Jess155 Posted 27 Jun 2012 , 9:04pm
post #1 of

I'm making a wedding cake for a person I used to know well. She works at a non-profit place that I volunteered at for about 3 years (I stopped volunteering a year ago when my husband's schedule changed). She got engaged a year ago while I was still volunteering and she asked me to make her cake. I don't sell my cakes because it's not legal here in MN. She offered to pay for ingredients, but I said no.

We've been emailing back and forth about the design and such. She's told me the times and places for the wedding and reception (it's an hour away) because I needed to know where to bring the cake. I want to do the cake for her - that isn't the issue. She works at a non-profit and makes just above minimum wage, just graduated college, she's a good person. I'm happy to bless her with a beautiful cake. I just am wondering why the heck I haven't recieved an invitation to the wedding. Is it possible she just assumes that I assume I'm invited?? There's going to be 200+ people and it's 4 weeks away. icon_confused.gif

33 replies
bashini Posted 27 Jun 2012 , 9:22pm
post #2 of

Hi Jess, I know how you feel. I would feel bad if something like that happens to me. But as you are a good friend and because you said you would make the cake, do the cake. If she mentions about you coming to the wedding, just tell her that you thought you weren't invited. You cannot ask her why you are not invited.

mcaulir Posted 27 Jun 2012 , 9:33pm
post #3 of

I think it's safe to assume you're not going to be invited at this point. Which I'm sure hurts your feelings, especially if you thought you were close enough to warrant an invitation without the cake, let alone with such a large gift.

However, she did offer to pay you, which you refused for good reason, but it's possible she hasn't priced cakes, because you were doing it, and so just isn't aware of what an expensive gift you are giving her.

Also, unfortunately, she isn't really obliged to invite you regardless. It just lets you know where she feels her relationship with you stands. Do you have any mutual friends who you could ask to subtly find out for you if you're invited?

Jess155 Posted 27 Jun 2012 , 10:33pm
post #4 of

Yeah, it stinks. My husband says 22 year olds are not brilliant, especially when planning a wedding and she is assuming we'll come. He says if we drop off the cake and leave, she'll feel really bad. But I can't assume we're invited. I just think her and I are both going to feel bad about this.

We don't have any close mutual friends, except the people at the non-profit. I wish I could ask them, but it might be weird.

kimbm04r Posted 28 Jun 2012 , 12:21am
post #5 of

If you would like to go to the wedding you could always offer to help serve the cake since you will be making it.

DeniseNH Posted 28 Jun 2012 , 1:02am
post #6 of

If you didn't receive a verbal invitation or a written, you are not invited. After the wedding she will either admit her failure to realize it or you'll receive a glowing thank you card.

BakingIrene Posted 28 Jun 2012 , 2:54am
post #7 of

Just a thought...some brides run short of paper invitations. So they don't send one to people like the DJ or caterer or the cake maker.

So just ask her--maybe when she is confirming the number of servings. Just a simple "does your catering count include me?"

BlakesCakes Posted 28 Jun 2012 , 3:49am
post #8 of

I can see where you feel that you should be invited to the wedding, but sadly, I'm sure that you are..............it may be a simple oversight or it may be a conscious decision.

I most certainly think that as a previous co-worker who has agreed to provide a free wedding cake, you and your DH should be at the top of the guest list.

I would merely call--NOW--and ask a pertinent cake/delivery question, and then say, "I realized that we're very close to the day and I haven't received an invitation in the mail with an RSVP card. I'm sure that other vendors need final head counts. Are DH & I invited to the ceremony and reception?"

Wait for her answer.

If yes, then tell her 1 or 2 attending and follow up with an e-mail to that effect.

If no.................well............that's up to you.

Rae

Wildgirl Posted 28 Jun 2012 , 3:58am
post #9 of

I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that you're in such an uncomfortable situation! I would try to ask in some way, even if it's indirectly. You'd feel so bad if you found out later that she expected you there. And she very likely could've just overlooked it. It may make her feel good to know that you'd LIKE to come.

debidehm Posted 28 Jun 2012 , 4:12am

If I didn't receive an invitation, paper or verbal, I would take it as a "not invited". Since you've talked to her several times about the cake, she's had plenty of time to ask you. I would bring the cake and drop it off and leave. If after the event she asks why you didn't stay, tell her why (no invite, and that you can't just assume you're invited just because you made the cake). Depending on her catering company, I would think they would have needed the head count by now from the bride. If she hasn't asked you yet, chancing are she didn't include you into that count.

step0nmi Posted 28 Jun 2012 , 4:12am

i understand what you're feeling...it is a very sticky situation to be in. I think i would go with the idea of saying "is your venue cutting the cake? I know I am just dropping it off, but I can cut the cake!" she might realize how silly she had been to not invite you and then invite you...OR she will say that the venue IS cutting the cake and you know where you stand.

it's weird how an event like a wedding determines a lot of our relationships in life...but it does

step0nmi Posted 28 Jun 2012 , 4:18am
Quote:
Originally Posted by debidehm

If I didn't receive an invitation, paper or verbal, I would take it as a "not invited". Since you've talked to her several times about the cake, she's had plenty of time to ask you. I would bring the cake and drop it off and leave. If after the event she asks why you didn't stay, tell her why (no invite, and that you can't just assume you're invited just because you made the cake). Depending on her catering company, I would think they would have needed the head count by now from the bride. If she hasn't asked you yet, chancing are she didn't include you into that count.




you know...the thing about assuming now days is that a lot of people don't know the etiquette of weddings! I am helping a friend plan a wedding and they want to invite SOME to the ceremony, SOME to the "dinner", and SOME to the after party...WHO DOES THAT!? i truly believe the wedding etiquette has changed for this younger generation and they just don't get how it's supposed to go and/or what to really do!

the catering company that works in my University will still take a final head count 1 week in advance...everything has changed!

CupcakeMamaof2 Posted 28 Jun 2012 , 5:29am

All you have to do is email her and ask her if it is ok if you come to the ceremony. Let her know that you understand she has limited spots for the reception but since you will be out there anyway with the cake you would love to be able to watch her get married on her big day. Surely she will say yes to this or tell you you're invited.

mcaulir Posted 28 Jun 2012 , 11:38am
Quote:
Originally Posted by BakingIrene

Just a thought...some brides run short of paper invitations. So they don't send one to people like the DJ or caterer or the cake maker.

So just ask her--maybe when she is confirming the number of servings. Just a simple "does your catering count include me?"




The DJ and the caterer, and the cake maker aren't invited to the wedding. They've been hired to provide a service at the wedding. It isn't because the couple runs short of paper invitations that these people don't get one.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Wildgirl


I just wanted to say that I'm sorry that you're in such an uncomfortable situation! I would try to ask in some way, even if it's indirectly. You'd feel so bad if you found out later that she expected you there. And she very likely could've just overlooked it. It may make her feel good to know that you'd LIKE to come.




I suspect it would make her feel awkward, because if it's close to the day, she now has to either send you an invitation and scramble around giving different head counts to caterers etc, or have a terribly awkward conversation with you where she explains that you're not actually invited to the wedding, regardless of the fact that you are gifting her the cake.

Most brides don't forget to send invitations to people they want to invite.

Sorry, OP. The bride did not send you an invitation. She offered to pay you for a service, which you declined. She has hired you, for zero cost, to perform a service for her wedding. And that sucks if you thought you were closer.

Norasmom Posted 28 Jun 2012 , 12:24pm

It sounds like she views you as a baker who was an acquaintance. It's extremely tacky of her not to invite you, especially since you refused payment. No good deed goes unpunished.

Wildgirl Posted 28 Jun 2012 , 1:07pm

With her financial situation, is this going to be a huge catered affair? Or something more simple and casual?

carmijok Posted 28 Jun 2012 , 1:18pm

Throw the ball back in her court. Simply say "I can't wait to see you cut the cake!" And then wait for her reaction. It puts her in the position of actually having to tell you you're not invited...or she will agree and you know you're included. Sorry, but she put you in this awkward position, there's no reason not to make it equally uncomfortable for her!

OR you could just be straightforward and say "I just need to clear something...am I invited to the wedding? If not I need to schedule my delivery time differently."

I know it's not easy, but really, what have you got to lose?

Jess155 Posted 28 Jun 2012 , 2:02pm

It's a small town wedding with reception in the town hall. I just emailed her asking how many people have RSVP'd. Maybe I'll email her about the cake cutting. I'd would be nice to know what to wear (wedding attire or not) and how long I need my babysitter! It's not like I can run home and change.

vtcake Posted 28 Jun 2012 , 3:48pm

Don't assume that because she's young that she messed up. I did my daughter's wedding invites and the seating plan.
When a friend was helping set up the reception area, she saw the hairdresser's name on the seating chart, and told me 'you know, she said she wasn't invited'.
This hairdresser was not a close friend of my daughter's, but she was a very friendly acquaintance who boarded her horse at the same stable as my daughter. She also was kind enough to come to the home and do all the bridesmaids' hair as well as my daughter's.
I just assumed I'd sent out the invite to her and hubby.
I immediately went home and apologized profusely in front of everyone there, but she'd already made plans for that evening.
I felt awful.
So this could've been an oversight. Or else because you 'USED to know her well', she isn't feeling close enough to you at this point to have you at her special event.
That being said, it is tacky of her to accept such a huge gift as the cake w/o inviting you.

mcaulir Posted 28 Jun 2012 , 11:10pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by carmijok

Throw the ball back in her court. Simply say "I can't wait to see you cut the cake!" And then wait for her reaction. It puts her in the position of actually having to tell you you're not invited...or she will agree and you know you're included. Sorry, but she put you in this awkward position, there's no reason not to make it equally uncomfortable for her!

OR you could just be straightforward and say "I just need to clear something...am I invited to the wedding? If not I need to schedule my delivery time differently."

I know it's not easy, but really, what have you got to lose?




I just don't think she did put the OP in an awkward position. The OP has not received an invitation, and was therefore not invited. To deliberately make things awkward for her is rude.

SugaredSaffron Posted 28 Jun 2012 , 11:50pm

Something similar happened to me a couple years ago, I made the cake and because I didn't get an invite I assumed I wasn't invited. But turns out she just thought I should know I was invited icon_rolleyes.gif and was sad that I had left. You know what they say about assumptions.

MimiFix Posted 29 Jun 2012 , 12:26am

You need to be clear about the bride's expectations. Sometimes we are thrust into awkward situations. Ask if you are invited or if she simply wants the cake.

On a side note, when I owned my bakery I was invited to many, many weddings. If I did not know the people well, I always declined the invitation. Their next move was to say, "But you're still making the cake, aren't you?" Their assumption was that I would gift them with the cake, regardless of whether or not I was attending. Regardless of whether or not I would have been invited if I didn't make cake.

Elcee Posted 29 Jun 2012 , 1:00am

A few years ago I had a coworker ask (beg) me to do her wedding cake. I wasn't very exerienced and not legal so I couldn't sell her a cake. She begged and pleaded until I caved and said I'd do it as a gift.

Well, the invitations went out and I didn't get one. I didn't say anything, just wasn't planning to attend the wedding. I ended up geting a "D-list" invitation in my work mailbox 2 days after the RSVPs were due! icon_eek.gificon_lol.gif . She waited to get regrets and then invited more people! I was there setting up the cake when the wedding planner was laying out the seating cards and she didn't even have the names of the "D-listers"! We were all at one table in the back of the room. Talk about feeling like crap icon_rolleyes.gif.

I've since gifted a few more wedding cakes but I'm careful to whom I make that offer and don't allow myself to be talked into it.

debidehm Posted 29 Jun 2012 , 2:57am

I personally would feel funny just asking the bride if I was invited. Puts you both in a weird spot. However, if you really want to know, just say something like "Please send me pictures of the cake cutting, I would love to see them!" or something along those lines. That way, no one's being put on the spot. If she planned on inviting you, this would be her chance to.

Evoir Posted 29 Jun 2012 , 3:25am

I don't know. If I am about to spend the good part of a week, and over $100 in ingredients making a cake for over 200 guests for a 'good friend's wedding, I would have no problem enquiring about whether or not I was invited.

Either way you are going to find out what kind of friend you have there.

carmijok Posted 29 Jun 2012 , 2:18pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Evoir

I don't know. If I am about to spend the good part of a week, and over $100 in ingredients making a cake for over 200 guests for a 'good friend's wedding, I would have no problem enquiring about whether or not I was invited.

Either way you are going to find out what kind of friend you have there.




thumbs_up.gif

BlueRose8302 Posted 29 Jun 2012 , 6:50pm

Call her about the cake...and then ask her another question about the dress or flowers or something just to get her talking about it. Brides like to gush. And when she tells you about something she is excited about, say "that sounds beautiful! I wish I could be there to see..." And then her reaction will tell you one way or the other. If she thinks you are invited, she will ask why you can't be there. Otherwise, she will just let it go and keep talking.

I hope it is just an oversight! Such a large and thoughtful gift for someone you believe is deserving should invite you. But if she didn't, go have a nice dinner with just your husband and enjoy not having to do the chicken dance at a wedding!

ibeeflower Posted 29 Jun 2012 , 7:48pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlueRose8302

Call her about the cake...and then ask her another question about the dress or flowers or something just to get her talking about it. Brides like to gush. And when she tells you about something she is excited about, say "that sounds beautiful! I wish I could be there to see..." And then her reaction will tell you one way or the other. If she thinks you are invited, she will ask why you can't be there. Otherwise, she will just let it go and keep talking.

I hope it is just an oversight! Such a large and thoughtful gift for someone you believe is deserving should invite you. But if she didn't, go have a nice dinner with just your husband and enjoy not having to do the chicken dance at a wedding!




I really like this suggestion. I would not feel comfortable asking someone directly if I am invited to their wedding or not. Yes she may have overlooked you or just assumed you were invited. But to ask someone and make them feel uncomfortable is not the best thing to do. It puts them on the spot and then they feel like they would have to say yes even if they didn't mean to invite you.

Apti Posted 30 Jun 2012 , 12:48am

Quote:
Originally Posted by Jess155

I'm making a wedding cake for a person I used to know well. She works at a non-profit place that I volunteered at for about 3 years (I stopped volunteering a year ago when my husband's schedule changed). She got engaged a year ago while I was still volunteering and she asked me to make her cake. I don't sell my cakes because it's not legal here in MN. She offered to pay for ingredients, but I said no.

We've been emailing back and forth about the design and such. She's told me the times and places for the wedding and reception (it's an hour away) because I needed to know where to bring the cake...... Is it possible she just assumes that I assume I'm invited?? There's going to be 200+ people and it's 4 weeks away. icon_confused.gif

------------------Yeah, it stinks. My husband says 22 year olds are not brilliant, especially when planning a wedding and she is assuming we'll come. He says if we drop off the cake and leave, she'll feel really bad. But I can't assume we're invited. I just think her and I are both going to feel bad about this.

We don't have any close mutual friends, except the people at the non-profit. I wish I could ask them, but it might be weird.

------------------It's a small town wedding with reception in the town hall. I just emailed her asking how many people have RSVP'd. Maybe I'll email her about the cake cutting. I'd would be nice to know what to wear (wedding attire or not) and how long I need my babysitter! It's not like I can run home and change.




I've been following this thread hoping that it all works out, without any hurt feelings on your side. [I've quoted each of your posts above to make sure I didn't lose any of your comments in the body of the thread.] I hope your husband is correct, but it certainly could go either way. You offered with affection and pride to invest the time and $$ needed to do a wedding cake for a former acquaintance/friend. You assumed that since it was made clear that the cake was a gift, free and clear, that you and your husband would be invited.

I would suggest that 4 weeks out from the wedding that the "awkward phase" has passed and you need a distinct answer, potential hurt feelings or not. Since there has been no written invitation on her part, I think your concern: " I just think her and I are both going to feel bad about this." has already happened. I would simply ask if you and your husband have been invited. Not being clear is what is causing the current problem.

If she says, "No", then you may not wish to stay and cut the cake. If you offer to cut the cake before you find out, and THEN learn you are NOT invited, THAT would be "awkward".

4 weeks out is plenty of time to ask. I suggest a combination of BlakesCakes suggestion and my suggestion. The statements are clear, unambiguous and will tell you what you must know.

I would merely telephone (no email)--NOW--and ask a pertinent cake/delivery question, and then say:

"I need to firm up plans for your wedding day. Should I plan on wearing casual clothes to deliver and set-up the cake, or will my husband and I need to have a change of formal wedding attire to change into after the cake delivery. I realized that we're very close to the day and I haven't received an invitation in the mail with an RSVP card. I'm sure that other vendors need final head counts. Are DH & I invited to the ceremony and reception?"

Wait for her answer.

If yes, then tell her 1 or 2 attending and follow up with an e-mail to that effect. If, "No", then simply say, "Thanks. I'll just plan on wearing casual attire for the delivery and set-up at the venue."

(I sincerely hope that your husband is correct. Best wishes, dear lady.)

Jess155 Posted 30 Jun 2012 , 1:18am

Thank you for all your suggestions. They've all been so helpful. Like I said, I wrote her an email about the RSVP count. She usually takes a few days to get back to me, which is normal because I take days to get back to her too. If I haven't heard anything by Monday, maybe I'll give her a call and ask about sending me pictures. I should know by her answer. I just don't want the "pity invitation". Some of your stories were just awful, and I can see how you'd be so upset!

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