Ok fellow cakers.. I need some guidance/advice/ or just what ever right now. My husband and I are going through a divorce currently (and still living together cause he won't move out!!!)
Anyhow quick recap of what I have tried to do to be a good wife... he is a full fledge alcholic , not abusive by any means to me and kids so no worries there. We have been married for 10 years, during that 10 years I have been through 2 DUIs (one was a 3rd conviction and the last one he was convicted on a 2nd offense cause of time lapse). So of course after years of being worried about him, lonely, mad and every other emotion that goes with it, I said I was done. He has spent thousands and thousands of dollars on his drinking, legal troubles and loss of work, all while I tried to make ends meet and keep all well at the home front.
Now that we are divorcing he has finally become interested in my cake business and is having my business certified appraised because he wants 1/2 the value and claims that I haven't been truthful in the income end of things cause he doesn't want to pay child support for 3 kiddos. I also do work yet outside of my cake business too.
So I guess after all my hardwork, and his out playing and doing what he wants, I owe him 1/2. REALLY. Will it really play out this way.
Does anyone have any advice that may be worth looking into that can justify why he shouldn't get 1/2?
You know I have been trying to get along, and what is sad we do. We had been in the divorce process for 8 months before we told the children and they were just blown away by it cause they never NEVER see us fight or argue.
But now I feel like I should pull all the cards out, but it scares me 1/2 to death cause I am afraid if I do he could lose the children (lose his visitation) I have enough info that could put him in prison (for violating his probabtion, drinking and then driving with the children). and I don't think he even gets that, that if I pull this stuff out to use he could lose everything.
I guess right now is what they call one of those bad days during divorce, when you really open your eyes to the person you thought was your friend, but realize they are just out for themselves.
Thanks all so much!
You'll need to talk to your attorney about this. Depending on your settlement, how you have structured the business, and the laws in your state you may or may not owe him half of the company assets.
You need a good lawyer. Unless someone on this board is an attorney in your state, we shouldn't try to give you legal advice.
I really feel for you and your children! I lived with an alcoholic boyfriend for a number of years (an abusive alcoholic). When I finally kicked him out, I felt like the weight of the world had been lifted from me. Wishing you all the best.
Oh dear... I'm very sorry that you are going through something like this. I don't have any legal advice to give... just want to send a big hug to you
I'm sorry to hear about your current problems. The previous posters have given you the best advice - seek an attorney. My only other advice: think twice before posting any personal info on a public forum, such as this one. Words can be misconstrued or twisted and then used against us later. Best regards, Mimi
Very sorry to hear of what you are going through...although other than stating the obvious of you hiring a VERY good attorney as previously stated, I cannot offer too much in that department. However, something you said alarmed me. You worry about him 'losing everything', INCLUDING your kids. Personally, I believe your main focus at this point should be about him being able to be with your kids. If he is already a full-fledged alcoholic AND has had several DUI's...perhaps he doesn't deserve to have your kids. If someone has had that many bouts with the law regarding traffic violations and such, he shouldn't be allowed to drive your children anywhere. And though losing everything he has should be enough to sober his butt up, it could also lead to his addiction worsening. Your children aren't worth that risk.
As far as him getting half of your cake business, unless you have a great big storefront and some rather expensive equipment, what can he get? That cake income went right back into your household, benefitting your entire family life. And if you do indeed have equipment and/or some inventory that adds up to something mentionable, then it may be worth it to 'settle' with him on it. But...that's definitely something for your attorney to figure out. I wish you well...hope it all works out for your children, you and I hope your husband finds value in life again before something tragic happens to him, or to some innocent person in his wake.
More than likely, with his drinking history on record, he want be able to drive with the children anywhere and may be subject to random sobriety test. Good luck, I think I would temporarily shut down cake business to focus on your children, as long as it is not a primary source of income. As for posting personal info, I agree with the above. I wouldn't do it, everything at this point will be misconstrued and used against you. Stay off facebook and any other social media. Get a darn good attorney and good luck.
I've been through a very messy divorce and actually you don't have any aces in your hand to play. Any thing you bring to the forefront can be turned around and used against you - I'm on your side and been in your position, so please don't shoot the messenger. You knew he was violated his probation...and you said nothing at the time & continued to live with him. You knew he was drinking & driving with your children and didn't file a report when it happened...again, you continued to live with him. So on & so forth, a judge is going to see it as it was ok with you since you didn't turn him in and knew everything he was doing, and by staying with him, whatever he did wrong is seen as forgiven on your end. That being said, I agree with others, don't post any more, take the advise so far from the others and if possible, see if you can delete this thread...you're on a public forum. Good Luck with everything, I feel so bad for what you are going through....and STOP worrying about him, he's trying to put YOU through the wringer!
Don't think for a minute this guy won't turn on YOU. Right now you're being a doormat. I totally agree with others who are telling you to hire an attorney. A good one. And you need to get him out of your house. "He won't leave" is a lame excuse. When he is out somewhere, pack his clothes, put them outside and change the locks. Get a motel room for him if you have to, but don't let him live with you anymore! What mixed signals are you giving your kids by allowing him to stay?
If he hasn't been 'outed' as an alcoholic, then you need to do so immediately. Quit enabling him. Why should he worry about getting sober as long as he has everything he wants?
I would be straight with my children and tell them that you still care about their father, but until he starts caring about himself you can't deal with it or the chance that he could harm them so you're doing what you need to do to make a better life for everyone.
You need to attend Al-anon meetings or some other sort of counseling that can help you deal with the unique situations of dealing with an alcoholic. I find it interesting that you say you're not being 'abused' by him, when in actuality his actions and the emotional strain and financial stress it causes you is VERY abusive! He might not hit you physically, but make no excuses for him...he is beating you up emotionally.
I do wish you well, but I will tell you this...do NOT be swayed by anything he says he is going to do to make it 'easier' for you both. When push comes to shove, alcoholics are very self-centered and will do what it takes to make it look like YOU are the problem and he is an innocent victim. You must be tough. It will help him and your family in the long run.
Thank you all for the wonderful support and advice. I do realize this is public forum and what I have stated on hear is just as much as I will bring to court with me. I do have an attorney! She is very good.
Thank you also for those whom bring all the aspects of the drinking and the effects of which. I do internally struggle with the decision that I am going to have to make (the enabler in me). Just hearing from those with on outside view brings me back to reality of what the situation is. According to what I do know is that his drinking and driving and legal record will not go unnoted in this case.
Unfortunately I cannot forgo my business at this point cause it does help cover some of the finacial costs in life.
Thanks all so much!
10 years with a functioning alcoholic boyfriend taught me a lesson I'll never forget. We only had furry children and there was no question of who would retain custody (me). After 10 years of sacrificing everything to support him/us emotionally and financially; he left me strapped with a house purchased 6 months earlier. I never realized just how one sided and mentally abusive the situation was until he was gone and I recovered emotionally (still haven't financially).
The very nature of an alcoholic is self serving; they only truly care about themselves no matter how it appears otherwise. Do what you need to do to protect yourself and your children.
Best of luck to you.
I am not a lawyer, but I went through a messy divorce several years ago and my one of my friends works as judge in domestic relations court. I don't know what state you live in, and laws vary widely from state to state.
I will tell you however, that divorce is first and foremost a business transaction. Taking all of the emotional "stuff" out of it, the judge has to determine equitable distribution of the debt and wealth accumulated in your marriage. If you live in a no-fault equitable distribution state, his bad behavior simply will probably not matter. From a business standpoint, you each get a certain amount of debt and wealth, period. Your earning power will be taken into account, etc. If you started your business after you married, depending on your state laws, he may well be entitled to half of your business, especially if you ran it from the home and the income went back into the home. I think if you never legally established yourself, or are established as a sole proprietorship, this can seal the deal. Where you live and how you structured your business will be the deciding factor.
FYI, the forensic accounting to determine value of a business can be quite expensive. Will there be anything left after he pays for this service? Seriously, that's a decision I had to make in my own divorce. In the end, I bit the bullet, paid him spousal support, and moved on. The money spent wasn't going to be worth it in the long run.
Get a good lawyer, and decide what's really important. Material items can always be replaced, they are just not worth fighting over. A good and loving relationship with your children cannot be replaced. Though you will be divorcing him, he is going to be in your life, whether you like it or not, for years to come, since you have children in common. Best to keep the emotion low and the logic high. Good luck.