On December 4th I got home from work and began decorating a little 6" cake for a girl that I have been mentoring. It would be the first cake she has ever had for her b-day and it was her 20th. She has been a ward of the state since she was 4 years old. I worked until early in the morning on the 5th. Little did I know that two towns over my mom had fallen and struck her head causing a catastrophic brain bleed. I received a call from her early in the morning because she was throwing up and couldn't stop, but didn't know why. After a crainiotomy, spending virtually every waking and sleeping moment with my mom in the ICU she passed away after spending 18 days in the ICU. It was December 23rd. It was the last cake I baked and enjoyed. I threw together a cake for my ds's b-day on 12-10, but I didn't enjoy it and I don't even reallly remember it. My dd's b-day is next week. I don't want to make a cake for her. I feel no excitment at all. No joy. Before the cake for my friend, the cake before that was the one for my mom's 76th b-day. I just feel like the moment I start thinking about baking...I start thinking about the night that was the beginning of the end of my mom's life.
Am I a freak that two seemingly unrelated incidents are causing me to quit baking? I have a basement FULL of supplies. I want to give it all away. Is this just a sadness that will go away over time?
Sorry if this doesn't make sense. Thanks for reading.
I am so sorry. I hope with time your sadness lessens and that you may find joy in baking again.
No, you are not a freak. Will it go away? I think if you eventually face it, it will. It may just be too soon to deal with it. Give yourself a break.
I'm sorry for your lose. Everyone deals with things differently and at their own pace. Don't force yourself to do something your not ready to do. However you need to find something to do to occupy your time. You don't want to get into a deep funk.
Oh, sweetheart. My heart goes out to you. The connection you have made between cake decorating and your dear mama's death is a normal response. It doesn't have to "make sense", it just "is". As many of us know, it is necessary to be happy when making a cake. An unhappy baker will not make a happy cake.
Have you seen a grief therapist? That is your first step. If you are currently seeing someone (or if you are in a group) for grief counseling, bring up this subject and talk about it. Since I cannot know all the details, the best suggestion I can make is to ask a close friend to help you pack your cake decorating supplies in boxes and put them away for a time. Later, if you choose to take baby steps back into decorating, start with a small, simple cake project that doesn't require breaking into all of your boxed tools. You can always store boxes for a period of time, whether it is 6 months or 2 years.
Be aware, always, that our Western society doesn't allow the opportunity to grieve properly. We are socially "expected" to "get over it" in about 2 weeks and bravely carry on. Well, that is a crock. It will take about 2 years, maybe as many as 4 or 5 years. For all upcoming birthdays or events, just purchase a cake from the grocery store. No one will think less of you, they are also grieving.
I send you a long, warm hug and wish you well.
I'm sorry for your loss. The connection between the two incidents hurt less and fade in time. But it takes time, so take time to grieve and come to terms with her passing.
I'm sure your mother was very proud of your talents as a baker/decorator. I'm bet her eyes would light up when she told everyone about your beautiful cakes. Remember that when you think about baking. That's how I got through my daddy's death. I was decorating a cake when I got a similar call.
Im so sorry Big Hugs ! what you are feeling is normal. Give it time and one day you will decide you want to bake again. Its only been two months . In the meantime buy a cake for your daughter.
Thank you all for your responses. I have no words. Everything you said hit home and was just what I needed to hear. Thank you.
I'm so sorry for your loss, and I totally see where you're coming from. I had a similar experience with my Dad several years ago. It wasn't to do with cake, and he died almost instantly, but in the aftermath there was a lot I could no longer do. Certain music, for example, that used to be my favourite, I cut out from my life entirely because it just broke my heart listening to it and remembering how much he used to love it too.
It does get easier, but it takes time. It took me three years to be brave enough to even try, and another two before I could do it without falling apart. It's still hard, and I know everyone would totally understand if you did want to quit, but don't feel like a freak. There's nothing wrong with grieving, and you should take as long as you need to do it. Don't listen to anyone who tells you otherwise, and please, take care of yourself.
*hugs* The heart heals over time, and I'm sure your mom enjoyed the cakes you made for her, so perhaps one day, when the sad memories are overtaken by the happier ones, the love for baking will return.
Condolances on the loss of your mom *hugs*
My SON died Dec 4,2003 after a long battle with cancer. We KNEW he was going to die eventually and was getting weaker so it was nearing and finally happened. We had years to set the facts in our minds that this was a certanty but it still hurt when it did happen. We grieved, I still get teary eyed when I think of certain things (am feeling a bit misty as I write this). You didn't have the time to adjust. One day she was fine and a couple weeks later she was dead. Take all the time you need, don't rush it. Leave the cake things in the basement. Let it happen as it will. It'll take time but I feel that one day you will once again enjoy cake decorationg and kick yourself for giving away all of your supplies You have my sympathy.
My condolences on the loss of your mom.
More than two years ago, my dear mother-in-law was dying of cancer. We knew it was coming, but the end came sooner than I had expected, and it hit me hard. Would you know that to this day, the novel I was reading the night she died is still on my night stand, untouched since then? This is the seventh book in a series by a favorite author, and I haven't had any interest in starting to read it again. I know I will eventually, but I'm not ready yet, and that's okay.
Please give yourself time to grieve, and don't push yourself. Eventually, I'm confident that you will find your passion to bake again.
I hope you're not feeling guilty that you were enjoying working on a cake when your mom fell. One has nothing to do with the other. That being said, don't try to make yourself do anything you don't feel up to doing.
My condolences - - my thoughts and prayers are with you.
Just want to send HUGS and my deepest condolences. All the other posts have very eloquently said all the right things and all the things I too would say.
Take care of yourself, give yourself time and space. You will know when it is the right time again to bake and decorate. But for now everyone will understand. You have every right to feel the way you do. Don't be hard on yourself.
I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Take Care
I want to thank you all again for your responses. I am also sorry for the losses that many of you have suffered as well.