Ettiquette Question - Bridal Shower $ Gift Announcing

Lounge By KrisD13 Updated 28 Sep 2011 , 2:00am by BizCoCos

KrisD13 Posted 26 Sep 2011 , 6:25am
post #1 of 31

I am a bridesmaid for a friend who is getting married next weekend, and I was horrified when I was told to announce the cash/cheque/gift card AMOUNTS. Am I wrong in this?

As I have been going to Showers through the years, I have always been taught that this puts people on the spot, and is generally crude and rude. It is playing havoc with my scruples.

I just need to know if I am on the right track here. Please respond with your thoughts, good or bad. I just can't find any advice one way or the other online.

Kristine

30 replies
Bluehue Posted 26 Sep 2011 , 6:59am
post #2 of 31

Indeed that is rude.
The ammount of any cheques/cash given is between the giver and receiver.
I find it very poor ettiquette that the Bride to be would ask this of you....perhaps you need to have a quiet word with her and tell her that there are certain *ettiquette rules* about wedding/showers/celebrations in general.

If you find it difficult to tell her this - just don't read out the ammounts...
And if someone asks *how much?* - just polietly turn and say -

*one should never ask - it shows poor breeding and lack of manners*


Bluehue icon_smile.gif

Ursula40 Posted 26 Sep 2011 , 7:04am
post #3 of 31

I would have no problem with people wanting or wishing for cash instead of gifts, epecially as nowadays many marriages bring two households into one anyway, usually the people already have 2 of each. BUT, I would never expect a certain amount of cash from people and would never agree to announcing that a certain amount is expected. An announcement that, because of the situation, the couple prefer that the guests gift money instead.
In Europe it is practice to have gift tables, where the couple choose things they need or wish for, in this case the table only has cash, but to specify an expected amount is tacky!

mivea Posted 26 Sep 2011 , 7:13am
post #4 of 31

I don't know if there are any 'rules' or a tradition to go by, but I would find it very embarrasing to have my gift amount announced - I always try to figure out what is a proper amount to spend or give but sometimes get it wrong, and I really don't like giving too much, nor too little. I would also be uncomfortable hearing how much or little other guests have spent. There's a reason the store will cover the price tag when you say the item is for a gift (they do in Denmark, anyway).

Some guests may not have much to spend and would be embarrased and others might use as an opportunity to 'show off' and none of these two scenarios are what the event is about.

I have been told that some cultures have a tradition of giving money gifts in closed envelopes. The envelopes will not be opened at the party and no-one has to worry about beeing put on the spot for not giving enough or maybe giving too much. I know 'too much' may sound wrong, but some might feel the standard is being set on a level too high for them.
I don't care what people spend on my gifts as long some thought goes in to it and I try to do the same for them. And I certainly don't want anyone to feel any pressure regarding how much to spend.

KrisD13 Posted 26 Sep 2011 , 7:30am
post #5 of 31

Thank you for the replies. I was hoping I wasn't being old fashioned, and that what I saw as proper etiquette, was really that. I do mean to have a quiet word and explain my feelings.

Thank you, everyone.

Cricketina Posted 26 Sep 2011 , 7:44am
post #6 of 31

How embarrassing .....what was her point in having amounts announced? This isn't a contest these are generous gifts given in love! Not to see who gave the most..ESP with the economy as it is this is even more disrespectful... You are so right this was way out of line and unkind to the gift givers no matter the ammount! Wow!

Cricketina Posted 26 Sep 2011 , 7:47am
post #7 of 31

Bluehue

Your response is awsome...lol

Bluehue Posted 26 Sep 2011 , 8:04am
post #8 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cricketina

Bluehue

Your response is awsome...lol





thank you.

It really does tell someone in a polite manner that asking is .....
down right bloody rude - icon_lol.gif

Blue

Ursula40 Posted 26 Sep 2011 , 10:47am
post #9 of 31

Here in China, money is given, opened by family members and the amounts meticuously noted down. I don't remember anyone reading out though, who gave what

TexasSugar Posted 26 Sep 2011 , 2:47pm
post #10 of 31

People don't discuss how much the gift they bought cost, so I don't know why people feel the amount of the gift card should be disclosed.

BlakesCakes Posted 27 Sep 2011 , 12:16am
post #11 of 31

I would most definitely be telling the bride that I will NOT announce the amounts and that if that's a problem, she'll need to get someone with less SCRUPLES & MANNERS than I have to do it.

Good grief, who thought up that wonderful "tradition"--a 14 y.o. mean girl?? icon_confused.gif

Rae

cakestyles Posted 27 Sep 2011 , 12:33am
post #12 of 31

So you're expected to shout out "Aunt Betty has given the bride-to-be a $25 gift card to Macy's" ?

Yikes!

Is that common practice where you're from?

kakeladi Posted 27 Sep 2011 , 1:18am
post #13 of 31

We all know what the OP meant but when put in these words it is shocking!
.......So you're expected to shout out "Aunt Betty has given the bride-to-be a $25 gift card to Macy's" ?..........

Kitagrl Posted 27 Sep 2011 , 1:38am
post #14 of 31

That's why I rarely give money anyway...haha....If I have $20 to spend....I try to find something on sale or at a place like Marshalls or HomeGoods that's worth $30 or $40....but if I have to give money, I can only give the $20.

I think it would be awful to actually announce the amounts. Not everyone can afford to give generous amounts.

southerncross Posted 27 Sep 2011 , 2:20am
post #15 of 31

May we inquire as to who actually "told" you to make such an announcement?

KrisD13 Posted 27 Sep 2011 , 3:20am
post #16 of 31

The bride-to-be. icon_sad.gif

And no, it's not common practice. That's why it was so shocking. I've never, ever been to any Shower where this was done.

BizCoCos Posted 27 Sep 2011 , 3:44am
post #17 of 31

Gah!!! What is the thinking behind this? I know that for many manners have goneway south in a handbasket, but this takes the cake. When I have had money, I tend to buy extravagant gifts, but when I haven't, I have bought inexpensive but really nice gifts. Example, beautiful crystal champagne glasses for 2 at a discount store. (probably can't do this anymore, but you get the drift).

Foxicakes Posted 27 Sep 2011 , 4:38am
post #18 of 31

I have a friend of mine that is Korean descent and I know from her that in their particular culture it is quite the norm to record how much came from whom. This is apparently to ensure that when the giver themselves has a function that the previous receiver will be expected to "match" that amount.
I guess it just all depends on where you are from. Maybe in this bride-to-be's family they have similar beliefs?? (Not saying that I agree with it by any means, but it may be an explanation...?)

BlakesCakes Posted 27 Sep 2011 , 4:48am
post #19 of 31

I think recording the amounts is really fine.

Announcing the amounts in public at the reception, shower, etc., is NOT fine.

If I knew that my $ amount would be announced in public, I would either buy a gift or give the gift card prior to, or after, the actual event.

What I give is of no concern to anyone but the happy couple & myself.

Rae

Jennifer353 Posted 27 Sep 2011 , 11:37am
post #20 of 31

Since the bride specifically told you to do it could you just "forget"? Just say "Aunt Betty gave a gift card for Macy's" and leave it at that? If another guest asks how much use Bluehue's response.

My thinking on not mentioning it to the bride again is that if she can't see how rude it is even when you point it out it could make things more akward if she is really insistant? Obviously there is still a chance she will say it on the day when you dont say the amount but if she insists infront of everyone you could mutter it really quietly.

I wonder what her thinking behind it is... maybe his/her family is known for being mean/generous and she wants everyone there to know? That makes it even worse I think but I'm guessing she has some reason.

Mammadukes Posted 27 Sep 2011 , 12:10pm
post #21 of 31

I have never heard anything so Tacky and Inappropriate as asking the maid of honer or anyone for that matter to announce to a room full of people the amount of each gift What they h *** is this Bride thinking WOW good luck I hope she wakes up and smells the coffee soon : )

yortma Posted 27 Sep 2011 , 12:55pm
post #22 of 31

If you must say something, you could express you feelings without revealing the dollar amount, ie "the amount is not what counts, but it comes from my heart". or "it would be a million dollars if I had it!"

southerncross Posted 27 Sep 2011 , 1:54pm
post #23 of 31

I'm still confused. You have been asked in the roll of the bridesmaids to announce monetary gift amounts at a BRIDAL SHOWER? At every shower (bridal, baby, housewarming, etc) the bride/guest of honour has always opened the gifts, including cards. At that moment, the bride shows the gift. When the gift is monetary the recipient smiles at the gifter and says "thank you so very much for your kind gift. We will put it to good use". I've never experience anyone in the role of "gift crier"!

But then again, I've heard of couples actually sending notice to guests that they "prefer" monetary gifts. How sad for them.

I really think you need to discuss this with the bride in as much as she is the one who ask you to take on this callous role. As her bridesmaid you surely have a close relationship with her. I suggest you tell her how uncomfortable her request makes you feel. In any event I certainly hope you don't become part of what promises to be a very squirmy situation.

indydebi Posted 27 Sep 2011 , 7:20pm
post #24 of 31

Agreeing with all who say it's rude ... because it is.

I'm the type that wouldn't "forget" to say it. I'd have to tell the bride that it's unacceptable. This is one of her life lessons and she needs to be taught what polite means.

I caterered one wedding and my staff came running into the kitchen to tell me "Go look! Go look!" The bride was sitting next to the gift table, opening the cards and pulling the cash/checks out. She wasn't even taking the card out of the envelope if she didn't have to ... just opening it wide enough to pull the cash out.

I'm thinking, "how is she going to know who gave what when she does her thank you's?" But then someone this tacky probably isn't going to do thank you's anyway! icon_lol.gif

Someone walked by while I was nearby and told her, "you really shouldn't be doing that right now." Bride replied that "they" had told her to. (oh yes ... the infamous "THEY", who always gets the blame for everything!) The other person said, "Well, they were wrong. It's tacky. Stop it." (heh heh heh!) icon_twisted.gif

cakestyles Posted 27 Sep 2011 , 7:40pm
post #25 of 31

Debi, she probably needed the money to pay some of the other vendors. lol

Good Lord!

aligotmatt Posted 27 Sep 2011 , 7:51pm
post #26 of 31

Scenario and response:

You are opening gift card/check/cash and the bride is like "ooh tell the amount"

you tell a totally random and not correct amount and then wink at the giver. "ooh Aunt Betty gave a gift card to Macy's for $500!" everyone claps. You wink at Aunt Betty who only gave $25. And then later when the bride shows up at Macy's to check out and swipes that card, maybe she'll realize it's rude to have the amounts read aloud. Or she won't and she'll think you're rude. But it would still be funny.

superwawa Posted 27 Sep 2011 , 8:31pm
post #27 of 31
Quote:
Originally Posted by Foxicakes

I have a friend of mine that is Korean descent and I know from her that in their particular culture it is quite the norm to record how much came from whom. This is apparently to ensure that when the giver themselves has a function that the previous receiver will be expected to "match" that amount.
I guess it just all depends on where you are from. Maybe in this bride-to-be's family they have similar beliefs?? (Not saying that I agree with it by any means, but it may be an explanation...?)



I don't think the concern is with the "recording" of the amount - but of announcing it to the room as the gifts are opened.

I've been the "bridesmaid/maid of honor who gets to keep the written account of who gave what gift" more than 10 times I think. I do agree that it needs to be done to help the recipients stay organized when it comes time to draft thank-you cards - especially as I have seen many times the gifts/cards get all mixed up or separated when multiple people offer to transport the gifts home. I agree with the majority that it is exremely rude and distasteful to even consider hollering out the monetary amount. I learned this lesson as a kid at my own birthday parties - LOL only my mom needed to know how much money Grandma sent me!

I would definitely discuss this with the B-T-B and explain that that it is not approropriate, and politely decline the task if she insists this is what she wants. Is she a young B-T-B? Perhaps she is not experienced in the ettiquette of showers or parties in general?

QTCakes1 Posted 27 Sep 2011 , 8:38pm
post #28 of 31

I swear! Everytime I come on here I find new levels of rudeness. You are so right for not wanting to announce the amount. I think that is rude. Write it down, sure, but to say it out loud, wow. icon_sad.gif

BizCoCos Posted 27 Sep 2011 , 9:19pm
post #29 of 31

Lately at my home we have had the discussion about brides, weddings and mishaps that can occur. The purpose of having guests at your wedding is so that they can share in the joy of the occassion. Nowadays sadly, it seems that the purpose is to accumalate gifts.

KrisD13 Posted 28 Sep 2011 , 1:07am
post #30 of 31

The Bride is over 40 and has been to many Showers.

This already happened ... on Sunday.

And yes, it seems to be all about the money and gifts.

And I was truthfully shocked. There was a message thanking me for everything I have done, and will do for this wedding. In all the years of knowing the bride to be, this has never happened.

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