Insecure Friend? Please Advise

Lounge By Claire138 Updated 12 Aug 2011 , 6:00pm by Claire138

Claire138 Posted 12 Aug 2011 , 8:08am
post #1 of 16

I have a problem with a very close friend of mine & want to know if any of you have ever come up against something like this & have some idea of how to deal with it or even if not but have an idea I'd love to know.

My friend & I have been close for about 10 years, unfortunately her financial status has always been very bad & I help her out when I can. When I decided to go into the cake business about 2 years ago (not fully there yet), she started asking me for cakes for her children's birthdays, her special occasions etc. I always made her something beautiful & never charged her which she knew.

So this is the problem, I recently offered to make some cakes for her sons confirmation and then after that for her daughters (confirmation) & she declined both times saying that she was catering everything (she's a very good cook and bakes well too but doesn't decorate), after her declining my offers for 5 separate occasions on which I could have gotten alot of publicity & then her asking for a cake for another home occasion I realized that she wants my cakes for her at home parties where she & her family can enjoy them but when it comes to a bigger occasion where I might get a little credit or more attention than her she says no.

Am I wrong?

If you have read the whole post & have some advice can you share? I do not under any circumstances want to hurt her feelings but would love to find a way to 'gently' explain to her that it works both ways.
Thanks!

15 replies
playingwithsugar Posted 12 Aug 2011 , 8:17am
post #2 of 16

I'm a skeptic when it comes to most people, so I tend to look at things from a different angle.

My feeling is that, if she can afford to cater these events, she's not in as much financial trouble as you have thought. It's time to stop offering free cakes.

I went through this with family members. One has plenty of money to throw parties all the time, but we're still waiting for the $20 we lent her for car parts years ago. Another owed me over $400 for years, so when I saw the opportunity to recoup it, I did. It caused a big rift which will never be mended. Repeated reminders did no good, so no more cakes or favors for them.

Theresa icon_smile.gif

cakesbycathy Posted 12 Aug 2011 , 11:14am
post #3 of 16

Honestly, I would stop making cakes for her altogether. It's entirely possible that you are reading the situation correctly. I think you are maybe setting yourself up to have your feelings hurt if you are offering and she is turning you down for the big occasions but then wants them for little ones. If it were me I know I would start to feel pretty resentful, especially if I was making them for free.

Next time she asks you can either be straight with her about how you view the situation and deal with the possible fall out from confrontation or just decline to make the cake. If she can pull off a cake for a large party she can certainly make one for a smaller event.

Claire138 Posted 12 Aug 2011 , 11:25am
post #4 of 16

You hit the nail on the head, I do feel resentful (& hurt). Baking the cakes is not the problem she can't decorate so therefore wants them from me for her kids birthdays etc but I know that these are for parties that she has had in her house for just family, but as I say, for bigger events she declines any offers.
My problem is that she is a dear friend and I just need to find a way (I've come to CC bc people are always asking for and receiving good advice) to explain to her that I feel used and that she is not being very friend like by saying no when it could benefit me.

Jennifer353 Posted 12 Aug 2011 , 12:53pm
post #5 of 16

Sometime you are talking about cakes or food or something vaguely on topic (I would think before an event requiring cake comes up) could you be direct and say Can I make a cake for your next big event where there will be lots of people there because it would be really good publicity for me? Maybe point out that although you are happy to help her by making her free cakes it would be really good for your fledgling business to get publicity and publicity through word of mouth is about the best you can get.
I would take the approach that she hadnt realised it would help you by you making her a cake for a big event, if that makes sense, so that she doesnt feel like you are accusing her of something (whether you are really accusing her need not be mentioned at this stage!)

If she says no, fobs you off with an excuse or even says yes and doesnt ask when the next event comes up I would stop making them for other events or certainly significantly scale them down and maybe gradually taper them out.

TexasSugar Posted 12 Aug 2011 , 2:33pm
post #6 of 16

Maybe she is trying not to take advantage of you?

Maybe she is okay with you offering your time to a family cake because it is smaller and less work for you, but feels like she would be taking advantage of your offer for a larger cake because she knows the time and expense you would be out for them?

Maybe she isn't considering the cake as advertisement for a large party. Or maybe she is sorta resentful for you wanting to use her parties as advertisement opportunities?

You may be reading too much into it. Or she may have reasons for it. If you just need to know, then just sit her down and ask her honestly, but be prepared for the answer. None of us here can tell you what is going on in her head, only she can.

Claire138 Posted 12 Aug 2011 , 4:08pm
post #7 of 16

Thanks for all your responses. To answer,

Jennifer, I have asked her more than once if I can make a cake for an upcoming event that she is making (in September) but she has turned me down time after time. I'll ask her again mentioning the aide this will give me & see what she says.

TexasSugar, I don't think she's taking advantage of me I honestly think she is not conscious of the way she is behaving. She is a really sweet woman who wouldn't mind the advertising (she has sent one or two people my way) but I think she doesn't want people looking more at my cakes than at hers at an event of hers (if you know what I mean); recently when we both made cakes for a friends birthday, she was very upset bc everyone was raving about my cakes and not about hers even though I just made something plain without any decoration but it was very moist and hers were dry so I feel that she just doesn't want any attention on me at her affair.
As to stopping making cakes for her altogether I don't know......... in my mind I give her a speech but saying it out loud is something completely different and I know I'll never do it.

I am not in any way vying for attention (I'm quite shy and stay in the back round mostly, which is my choice) but would love to be able to gain a higher profile for the cake decorating.

TexasSugar Posted 12 Aug 2011 , 4:24pm
post #8 of 16

If she also has her cakes at these events, then really it probably isn't the best venue for you anyway.

I wouldn't stress over it really. Find another way to advertise and get your feet into the market that you want to be in.

Claire138 Posted 12 Aug 2011 , 4:27pm
post #9 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by TexasSugar

If she also has her cakes at these events, then really it probably isn't the best venue for you anyway.

I wouldn't stress over it really. Find another way to advertise and get your feet into the market that you want to be in.




You're probably right. If I could find a way to say something without it ruining the friendship then I would (maybe!) do it but I value our friendship more so will leave things the way they are.

Thanks everyone for your help.

luntus Posted 12 Aug 2011 , 4:39pm
post #10 of 16

huh... how do you have a close friend if you cannot be bold enough to tell her how you feel?

Claire138 Posted 12 Aug 2011 , 4:48pm
post #11 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by luntus

huh... how do you have a close friend if you cannot be bold enough to tell her how you feel?



We are very close but she is extremely sensitive about her situation and I don't want to hurt her. Just bc we are close doesn't give me a permit to be uncaring. I just wondered if any one had nice way of pointing out to her what I am sure she is not even conscience of doing, but now think that keeping quiet is the best way to go.

luntus Posted 12 Aug 2011 , 4:55pm
post #12 of 16

Claire... telling someone how you feel doesnt mean you are uncaring. I am very sensitive but always grateful when I am told the truth. She probably hasn't even got a clue as to what she is doing....
remember we are all different and tend to see things differently until someone graciously tell us otherwise. If she is good friend and values your friendship I am sure she will see it from your point of view.

Claire138 Posted 12 Aug 2011 , 5:04pm
post #13 of 16

Luntus, you are right but I feel that she would take it the wrong way ( I know her very well & have often heard from her about being upset about something someone has said even if it was said in jest and not specially at her). It's just the way she is.

TexasSugar Posted 12 Aug 2011 , 5:33pm
post #14 of 16

I think you have to evaluate what you are looking for in the conversation with her, and if you would really get the response you want. Are you going to get out of the conversation what you need to to feel better?

I think sometimes we get wrapped up in a thought, an idea, and after some time we realize that even after we really wanted to say something, in the end, it wouldn't make a difference.

If this is something you feel you can put aside, for the friendship, won't harbor any resentment about, and in the long run isn't something that really matters in the big scheme of things between the two of you, then I wouldn't say anything about it.

If it is something that you think in the long run could ruin the friendship if you don't talk to her about it, then go ahead and talk to her about it.

scp1127 Posted 12 Aug 2011 , 5:45pm
post #15 of 16

Spend the same amount of time, money, and effort and send thoe cakes to your bank, insurance agent, dentist, vet... you will get more exposure to people with the right income.

Claire138 Posted 12 Aug 2011 , 6:00pm
post #16 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by TexasSugar

I think you have to evaluate what you are looking for in the conversation with her, and if you would really get the response you want. Are you going to get out of the conversation what you need to to feel better?

I think sometimes we get wrapped up in a thought, an idea, and after some time we realize that even after we really wanted to say something, in the end, it wouldn't make a difference.

If this is something you feel you can put aside, for the friendship, won't harbor any resentment about, and in the long run isn't something that really matters in the big scheme of things between the two of you, then I wouldn't say anything about it.

If it is something that you think in the long run could ruin the friendship if you don't talk to her about it, then go ahead and talk to her about it.




Right on every point - thanks everyone for your imput and advice. I have decided to just leave it as it is. At the end of the day I don't want to sacrifice the friendship.

Quote by @%username% on %date%

%body%