What To Do What To Do

Decorating By Neen22 Updated 24 Jun 2011 , 6:01pm by MamaDear

Neen22 Posted 23 Jun 2011 , 6:00pm
post #1 of 36

My sister is getting married soon and she called me to ask me if i would make her wedding cake which is a 4 tiered topsy turvy cake as well as plan and coordinate her wedding...... Sadly I am the only sister between the bride and grooms sides of the family that is not in the wedding. I am a little worried that my sister and soon to be brother-in-law are planning on me making this cake at my own expence. What should i tell her she wants all specialty flavors of cakes and fillings and the cake is fairly detailed and would take me a couple weeks to compleat.

35 replies
Herekittykitty Posted 23 Jun 2011 , 6:08pm
post #2 of 36

That it's going to cost x amount of dollars. You can give a discount as a wedding gift if you so choose.

Or tell her you will be willing to do it for free but get to decide what flavor/s (or give her choices of basic flavors) and design with her colors.

She can only take advantage if you let her and it sounds like you already have a big job ahead of you corrdinating the shin-dig.

dorothymarie Posted 23 Jun 2011 , 7:12pm
post #3 of 36

Oh my! It's your sister! Give her the cake for a wedding gift. No way would I allow my sister to pay me for the cake. I am surprised you even are asking.

sillywabbitz Posted 23 Jun 2011 , 7:35pm
post #4 of 36

I would let my sister pay me for the cake. Not only that she would volunteer to pay me for the cake. She knows well how expensive just the supplies are. You don't want to resent making the cake so think what would make you happy. Would you be happy if she paid and you gave a discount or if she just paid for ingredients and supplies but not for your time? Or would you be happier declining the cake? If you're the wedding coordinator, you're going to have a ton to do the week before the wedding. if this cake design is complex it would hard to do both well. She's your did, just be honesticon_smile.gif

Neen22 Posted 23 Jun 2011 , 7:37pm
post #5 of 36

well even though i love my sister dearly she is already asking me to help her pay for alot of her other items involved with the wedding and i do not make enough extra money to pay for most of her things. she has a tendancy to want large items and have other people pay for them. In a way i feel she is taking advantage of me by not asking me to pay for the cake but just assuming i will

kristiemarie Posted 23 Jun 2011 , 7:48pm
post #6 of 36

Well, I don't understand something... Why are you the only one NOT in the wedding?

Is there a reason behind it? Personally, I'd feel pretty upset if anyone asked me to do their cake and then assumed I wasn't charging them. She should offer to pay and then graciously accept the cake as her gift when you tell her she doesn't have to pay for it.

I think I'd just go to her like you don't know she doesn't know she's paying for it and tell her you are doing the cake as a gift but that if she wants this this and this, she needs to pay for the ingredients.

I think that is more than a fair trade.

TexasSugar Posted 23 Jun 2011 , 7:51pm
post #7 of 36
Originally Posted by ContestCook

Oh my! It's your sister! Give her the cake for a wedding gift. No way would I allow my sister to pay me for the cake. I am surprised you even are asking.

I made both the wedding cake and grooms cake for my brother and his wife, and yes her family did pay me the cost of ingredients for the cake. I did give my labor as a gift. Actually I also did the bridal shower cake as well.

I do not think it is wrong to ask for some payment for the cake.

First off if they ordered one they would have to pay for it, and probably a lot more.

Second, even if you give it as a gift, not everyone would be willing, want to or could afford to give a $300 to $400 or more gift.

Third, can OP even really afford to give a 4 tiered wedding cake as a gift, even for her sister? We don't know OP's financial or work situation. Maybe she has a full time job and would have to take off work to complete the cake order along with everything else she's asked to do.

Forth, my rule with my family is, if you ask me to do a cake, you pay for it. If I offer, it is free.

To the OP, my suggestion is to figure out what you feel comfortable offering. What you are willing to do, what you are willing to do for a cost and then talk to your sister about it. I'm sure she will be understanding about it. I would go ahead and do it soon though, so everything is squared away, and you don't have to worry or stress about any of it.

aggiechef Posted 23 Jun 2011 , 7:52pm
post #8 of 36

[quote="kristiemarie"]Well, I don't understand something... Why are you the only one NOT in the wedding?

I was thinking the same thing.

A couple of other things you mentioned about your sister makes me think that you're very aware of her taking advantage of people. The cake that you described is very detailed and will take a lot of time. If you're trying to do that and coordinate the wedding, you are going to be beyond busy the week of the wedding. My advice would be to do one or the other, but not both.

Neen22 Posted 23 Jun 2011 , 8:04pm
post #9 of 36

I am actually not sure why i am not included in the wedding party there are 4 girls in my family my older brother got married i was also not in his wedding. My sisters bridal party includes 2 of my sisters, the grooms sister who she has never even met and a friend of hers that she has not seen in about 5 years. this was very hurtful to me and makes it hard to make the wedding cake free of charge. I do not know the reason for me not being in the wedding. i have been there for my sister through alot so on that side of things it is a very weird deal. icon_confused.gif

malene541 Posted 23 Jun 2011 , 8:05pm
post #10 of 36

Are you not in the wedding because she has better uses for you? Like making the cake and planning the wedding?
(Not trying to get too personnal but that's the way it looks) ???

Neen22 Posted 23 Jun 2011 , 8:07pm
post #11 of 36

I honestly hope that is the reason but i am not sure...... i do know my soon to be brother in law is not a big fan of me

kristiemarie Posted 23 Jun 2011 , 8:07pm
post #12 of 36

I'm sorry neen, but I'd tell her you can't do it.

It sound to me like she's taking advantage of you and that's not right.

teatime423 Posted 23 Jun 2011 , 8:15pm
post #13 of 36

yea it really sounds like she was hoping to use you for the planning and making the cake.

malene541 Posted 23 Jun 2011 , 8:16pm
post #14 of 36

I think this will be a question that only you will be able to answer.
Do you really want to make the cake?
Do you want to add this to your other wedding jobs?
Do you want her to pay for the cake?
Are you willing to ask her to pay if you want her to?
Are you willing to deal with your sister if you decide to deny the cake completely?
Or in other words what would the perfect outcome be if you could choose and are you willing to make that happen?

BlakesCakes Posted 23 Jun 2011 , 8:20pm
post #15 of 36

I'm an only child and I'll be the first to admit that sometimes, I just don't get this sibling stuff.............

First off, I'd ask--calmly & nicely-- about why I was being excluded from being in the wedding party. I would tell my sister that it hurt being excluded. She gets to share in the emotions she causes in others , too, even if she doesn't realize it's hurtful, doesn't care if it's hurtful, or didn't mean it to be hurtful.

Next, I'd tell her how I feel about making the wedding cake. If I want to make it, it'll be on my terms--or not at all. If I need to be paid for ingredients, then it's up front--not after the wedding--and there's no haggling.

In this case, the intense labor IS my gift and I won't be able to provide more, seeing that MY GIFT is worth upwards of $XXXXXXXXX. She complains, she buys the cake from someone else and I buy a gift off of her registry that I can comfortably afford--and NO MORE.

I love her, but I don't give into her demands, making myself emotionally or financially uncomfortable, sleep deprived, unhappy, unnerved, angry, or anything else negative.

If she's blind to my generosity, then she's immature and unappreciative and................THAT'S HER PROBLEM, NOT MINE.


CreativeCakesbyMichelle Posted 23 Jun 2011 , 8:43pm
post #16 of 36

I agree with some of the other posters. My little sister has decided she is getting married this coming March 31st. And I just started an accelerated nursing school program and will be in the middle of clinicals at that time, but she is insistent on that date (tried to convince her that next fall would be a lovely time, as in after I graduate, but didn't have any luck with that lol.) I'll be her maid of honor and we have talked about me making her cake. We have already discussed the fact that I may not have enough time depending on my schedule that semester. So she has a backup person that will make the cake if we decide I won't have enough time. It may end up being me driving down that Friday night after clinicals and coming back Sunday night (1.5 hour drive) depending on what my school schedule ends up being. Her wedding is going to be fairly small so I would do the cake for free for her but I know that she would pay for it if I needed her to because she understands that I will be living on student loans at that point.

I think it really comes down to your relationship with your sister. I agree that it seems that she has excluded you from the wedding party in order to take advantage of your skills. Personally, that would offend me, but, again, that depends on your relationship. I agree with the advice from BlakesCakes and TexasSugar. You need to decide what you are willing and capable of doing for her (financially and time-wise), and set the ground rules now. Just because she is family doesn't mean that she can use you and disregard your feelings. Sit down and talk with her now to clear the air so that your feelings are known and the wedding won't end in resentment on either side. Good luck!

MamaDear Posted 23 Jun 2011 , 9:06pm
post #17 of 36

Giving the gift of a wedding cake to a sister is one thing, however, from the OP it sounds like the sister wants the OP to do everything and for free.

OP you should sit down and really think hard and be honest with yourself...if you weren't crafty and didn't bake, how much would your gift to the happy couple cost you (in X amount of dollars). If Sis isn't reimbursing you for the items she is using for her wedding and hasn't offered to pay you for the cake, sit her down and tell her... Sis- I love you and am offering to do X amount of free stuff for your wedding, after that, you pay the tab, in advance. And then be firm...really really firm. It's going to be hard to do but only you can let Sis take advantage of you... she can't do it by herself. I bet if you start out this way then you wont be expected to put out for every birthday, shower, celebration that Sis and new BIL have for many years to come.

I know I have been there. I have many nieces and nephews and have done free cakes for their weddings (along with flower arranging, favor making, etc, etc, etc) except for one. This one BZ that married my nephew, I told early in the planning that I could do her wedding cake anytime duirng the spring except weekend X because that was when my troop went to girl scout camp. Well wouldnt you know it, that was the only weekend she could possibly have her wedding. So I bought a card, wrote out a check for what it would have cost ME to do the cake, mailed it and never looked back. It was amazing how scaled back her wedding got after that but hey, I got a life too. I hope it all works out for you!!!! [/u]

TexasSugar Posted 23 Jun 2011 , 9:13pm
post #18 of 36

I wasn't in the wedding party for my brother's wedding. I was asked, but told them they got either the cake or me in the wedding that I wouldn't do both.

When did your sister ask you to make the cake? When did you find out you weren't in the wedding party/ Maybe she figured since you were making the cake, you wouldn't have time to do it all.

You and your sister need to have a heart to heart. None of us know the full story so we can't tell you what to do or not do. You need to decide what you feel comfortable doing for her wedding and figure out what is bothering you most about all the situations involved and sit down with her and talk to her about all of it.

Neen22 Posted 23 Jun 2011 , 9:38pm
post #19 of 36

Thank you so much for all the feed back it is very helpful..... thumbs_up.gif

KatieKraft Posted 23 Jun 2011 , 9:46pm
post #20 of 36

I'm super close with my sister and I dont get along with her significant other (oh the fun). They aren't married but I highly doubt I will be in her wedding party when they do get married. I don't think it is as big a deal as everyone here seems to think that she not add you to the party. Taking it personally is really the wrong thing to do.

At the end of the day it is her wedding to her husband and everyone else involved is just along for the ride. It's her day and she (theoretically) is only getting one of them. She shouldn't have to worry whether or not the decisions for HER wedding are making other peoples feelers hurt because Patti got picked over Suzie. This isn't kickball. The day after the wedding, everything will resume as normal and life with move on, as it should.

In regards to her asking you to do (and consequently pay for) various things BESIDES the cake, and then leading with the assumption that you'll cover the cake too - I would be logical. She is asking you to narrorate a very big day for her - this may be her way of including you and not considering the burden and expense. I would sit down, by myself, and estimate my personal budget for what I could afford to contribute to her day and then I would start subtracting the things she has asked or expecting me to cover. If you don't have enough to cover everything or aren't comofrtable with it, sit down with her and make a plan for what your contribution WILL cover. If you subtract things and your budget won't cover any of the cake, let her know and offer to do the labor for free as long as someone else pays for the ingredients, as the cherry on top of your financial contributions and planning services.

The best approach is to just be honest and know what you CAN do going into the conversation. This could be a really great experience and it shouldn't be as stressful and dramatic as some people are making it out to be.

amygortoncakes Posted 23 Jun 2011 , 9:59pm
post #21 of 36

I love how when someone is getting maried all of a sudden the world belongs to them and they expect everyone elses world to revolve around them.

My sister got married 2 years ago and I was the maid of honor, but she kicked me out of the wedding party because I wasn't able to throw her the bachelorette party she wanted. Mind you at that time my boys were just tunring 1 and 2.

If I were you, I would let her know that her wedding isn't the center of your world and to look around for a baker that can accomodate her needs seeing as you are planning everything else.

Neen22 Posted 23 Jun 2011 , 10:02pm
post #22 of 36

amygortoncakes......... that is crazy that sounds like something my sister would do....... one other deail about this wedding is they are already married. they did a random court house wedding that no one in the family was told about or even asked to be witnesses it was a little interesting and now they want a huge wedding.

malene541 Posted 23 Jun 2011 , 10:19pm
post #23 of 36

WOW, this brings a whole other level!! Walk away, far away!!!!

Neen22 Posted 23 Jun 2011 , 10:25pm
post #24 of 36

Ya this is an interesting situation. i dont even know what else to say lol

Kitagrl Posted 23 Jun 2011 , 10:38pm
post #25 of 36

Wow! I feel so bad for you! "Sorry, we don't have room for you in our wedding party, even though you are my own sister...BUT we'd LOVE if you'd make us a free cake for 350 people AND plan the wedding start to finish! What a deal for you, eh?"

Good grief!

Maybe you could help her plan it or something but you may want to tell her you won't be able to afford to make her wedding cake. A four tiered wedding cake with specialty flavors may cost you $200 out of pocket just for supplies. That's a VERY large and generous gift, one she has no right to ask of you unless YOU actually want to make it for her. (I did my brother's wedding cake but it was smaller, and I wanted to do it.)

DSmo Posted 23 Jun 2011 , 10:43pm
post #26 of 36
Originally Posted by Neen22

well even though i love my sister dearly she is already asking me to help her pay for alot of her other items involved with the wedding and i do not make enough extra money to pay for most of her things. she has a tendancy to want large items and have other people pay for them. In a way i feel she is taking advantage of me by not asking me to pay for the cake but just assuming i will

Wait, WHAT??? You say she's already married and now wants a big wedding... she hasn't paid you the honor of asking you to be in the bridal party, but she wants you to plan the whole thing and SHE'S ASKING YOU TO HELP PAY FOR A LOT OF OTHER ITEMS???? icon_eek.gif And she wants you to make an elaborate cake? icon_surprised.gif Clearly, she believes you are a door mat. And it sounds like you're letting her walk all over you.

Wedding planners and cake bakers are paid professionals. Don't give your services away for free. And why on earth would you be paying for other elements of HER wedding? icon_confused.gif

Stop being her enabler. Make her cake if you want -- for a price. Or give it to her as a gift if you want. But please don't let her push you around like this. She needs to plan and PAY for her own darn wedding.

Karadactyl Posted 23 Jun 2011 , 10:46pm
post #27 of 36
Originally Posted by malene541

Are you not in the wedding because she has better uses for you? Like making the cake and planning the wedding?
(Not trying to get too personnal but that's the way it looks) ???

That's exactly what I thought when I first read her post. She won't have time to be a bridesmaid if she's making the cake AND planning the wedding.

Gerle Posted 23 Jun 2011 , 11:31pm
post #28 of 36

I don't know you or your sister, and I know it's hard to make tough decisions like this without it causing a riff in the family, but I have to agree with others that have posted here. Sounds to me like your sister is using you. As has already been said, you can only be used if you allow her to use you. If you give in with her wedding ideas and what you should be paying for, she'll just do it over and over again with other situations. You haven't mentioned parents...are there none in the picture? If there are, why aren't they paying for the things sis seems to think she has to have yet she thinks that you should pay for? And if they're already married, why does it have to be such a big affair? It seems to me that it should be a reception...not another wedding. Sister or no, she needs to take responsibility for her own expenses. If she and husband want a big wedding, they should be paying for it, or the parents, but not you. However, you have to do what you feel is right for you and what you're comfortable with. If you want to make the cake but can't afford what she wants, tell her what you can afford and that is it. If she wants more, she pays for the rest.

kristiemarie Posted 24 Jun 2011 , 12:32pm
post #29 of 36

Oh now this just got interesting. Neen, please be strong and stand up to your bullying sister. She is being selfish and greedy. If they are already married and want to throw a party for it, THEY should pay for it, not you. That's insane.

I know you love your sister but we don't always have to like the people we love. I'd tell her to blow it out her ear. LOL

ycknits Posted 24 Jun 2011 , 12:49pm
post #30 of 36

I do a lot of baking for my family and friends and love it. Most are very kind and gracious about it. But there are a few that are not. When they ask me for 'just one more special cake,' I've learned to say no. There is no joy for me in baking for them. Maybe if they go buy a few so-so cakes they will appreciate mine more.

A good friend of mine always says about a difficult person, "I can't make her well, but she can make me sick!"

I'm sorry, Sweetie - but it sounds to me like you're indulging a demanding, unappreciative sister just because you love her. In return, she's treating you badly. Think about what advice you'd give to a dear friend if you saw them being taken advantage of. Sometimes it helps me to look at another person in my situation when I can't figure out what I should do.

I applaud you for reaching out and asking for input from others. That takes courage! Please take care of yourself. You have to put yourself first in order to be there for others. Hugs & prayers to you!

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