So I don't post much in the Lounge, I don't like to get too personal, and as outspoken as I can sometimes be, I'm really pretty shy...
Anyway, I have been blessed to have this wonderful cake business, great customers, making money (not as much as I'd like, but who can say that anyway?), support from my wonderful husband....
And yet I have to admit that caking is kind of my consolation prize. Not to get too personal (but I will anyway) but my husband and I have been married for 11 years. We have one daughter. My dream has always been to have lots of children, to homeschool and to be a full time mom. But that just isn't happening. I am sooo thankful for my daughter. The doctors are still puzzled at how she came along, since both my DH and I have issues. She is truly a miracle, and when she was born I really thought 'this is it, here comes our family.' 4 years later and we're still just the 3 of us, and it sucks.
So, now its the middle of busy wedding season, I'm on round 3 of Clomid. I'm getting ready for the biggest weekend of the year, and I'm so hocked up on meds that I can't think straight and want to tear my hair out. And the problem is that if we wait until busy season is over, then if I get pregnant, well then I'll have a newborn during busy season!
It is so frustrating to make ANY business decisions, because I've been waiting 11 years to figure out what our family will look like. Do I take orders for next year? Or just save all the deposits knowing that I MAY have to give them back and get a bad reputation?
On top of that, we have poured most of our money into the business and home thinking we had all the fertility stuff figured out when we had our DD. So now to pay for anything, including adoption, we would be sooo far into debt that I can't do that to my family.
And so I wait. And climb the walls. And cake, cake, cake, all the time praying that by this time next year I will be taking the summer off...
Argh, thanks for letting me get too personal with complete strangers..
Ah honey...I know it is frustrating sitting and waiting for the shoe to drop....Everything will fall into place whether you get pregnant or not.Take the orders for next year and if you have to give back money..so be it!! Caking to me is a diversion from other issues..no money,no retirements saved Lost almost all of it when the markets dived a few years ago and the money we had went to pay off debt.Caking to me is a way to de-compress...drown my creative juices into something I can control...and give joy and happiness to those who gush when they see it...I am not a religious person but I do believe that everything happens for a reason and when one door closes ..another door opens....Keep your chin up!!
Ahhh...Clomid sucks! Would they move you onto the injectables if this round doesn't work? I had to use Clomid for my first baby, then the injectables for my second because Clomid wasn't working as well.
When you want to pull your hair out just remember that it's the hormones talking. This too shall pass.
honestly I don't know what they'll do next. I am on HCG for the second half of the cycle, so I do that injection 7 times too.
My Dr. is giving me the Clomid because of my husband's issues, in hopes that more eggs= better chances. I don't really need the help ovulating, I have other issues in the second half.
All this would be easier if the money wasn't an issue. We are going through a general practitioner right now who dabbles in infertility issues (she is well trained, just not her primary focus) so that it will be covered. We tried going to a reproductive endocrinologist but the tests alone were $3000 upfront. And you HAD to get the tests done through them, and they recommended IVF right away for us. It was like they were selling us a product. We aren't ready to go there yet, and I don't know if we every will be, simply because of the money.
If we could sell our house maybe we could do this, but my business is in the house!
I am going through something really horrible right now. I honesty don't know if I will be available to fulfill contracts or not in the future. One thing I have learned - you cannot plan your life on the unknown. You KNOW you have one child. You KNOW your cake business is moving along. This is what you act upon. This is the information you use to make your plans for the future.
I finally learned I could not stop life because of what MIGHT happen or not happen. If and when circumstances change - then I will adjust and do what I have to do to get through.
So, I take contracts, sign them, take deposits, sometimes for way in to the future. I can't live in fear that I may not be able to fulfill that contract. If something happens and I can't - I'll bite the bullet and fix it, some how, some way. I have friends that can make the cakes for me, I can return deposits if there is enough time. When all else fails - I'll pay another bakery to do the job, even if it costs me cash out of my pocket - after all we won't be talking about 100 cakes, right? I simply can't worry about what isn't in existence today.
In the meantime I'm doing what I need to do to hopefully have things turn out favorably for me and my issues. Do your treatments, keep trying... but work with what you know today. Really, the rest will take care of itself.
I know it sounds as I though I'm oversimplifying things - but once I grasped the realization that it really is that simple - life became so much easier to navigate.
Some good news. My daughter was on the same medication and got to the point where she was taking the injectible drug. No luck. They made a non-refundable down payment on the IVF procedure. The next step was to report the day of her period to schedule the appointment. She waited and waited. Finally her husband told her to take a pregnancy test. She was pregnant. The next year she got pregnant again without the drug.
Hopefully, this will happen to you.
Just want you to know that I am sending good thoughts your way. I have a good friend that is in a similar situation, so I understand that it is tough. *hugs*
Just wanted to offer my support to you!
I know what it feels like to live in limbo, we had been TTC for a long time these past couple of years, and every couple of months I would get pregnant but it always ended in a miscarriage. It was such a hard time, because I felt like my life was on hold. I couldn't make any plans, because I didn't know if I would be pregnant/have a baby/ect..
I finally learned to just live in the right now. I couldn't predict what would happen tomorrow, but I knew wht was happening today, so I lived by that. If things came up that required my plans to be changed, I did it.. But I didn't stop living.
I only have one boy who is 5, and he's my life. But i know how it feels to want more, I hope you get whatever it is you need to make you feel happy.
Thanks everyone! Today is a better day, but you never know when the hormone monster will hit around this house.
I get the "live in the moment" mentality. But that doesn't mean I'm good at implementing it!
I just wish we could make a decision with this stuff. But having raging hormones just doesn't lend itself to making good decisions! So I wait until we're done with the meds, and then we'll take a step back and re-asses our next direction.
I REALLY look forward to the day when I can focus on anything BUT these issues!
I get the "live in the moment" mentality. But that doesn't mean I'm good at implementing it! !
Believe me, I am awesome at handing out this advice - which has nothing to do with the fact that I have to remind myself of this philosophy daily. The point is that you get it and you are able to remind yourself in time. That's a good thing.