Ggrrrr...family Freebies! (Feel Free To Add Your Own Rant!)

Decorating By Coral3 Updated 27 Apr 2011 , 4:34pm by TexasSugar

Coral3 Posted 26 Apr 2011 , 11:42pm
post #1 of 30

I don't sell cakes, I only make them for family, and have only ever volunteered to make them so they get pretty much NO say in the decoration. Family have never expected/demanded/requested I make a cake. (I do get asked by friends of friends, but I just tell them I don't sell cakes and that's the end of it, no drama) It's an arrangement that suits me fine. If I can't be bothered making a cake, I just don't volunteer. So simple.

The problem is that family have now just started asking. My SIL (the same one from this thread, no less! : http://cakecentral.com/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&t=694502&postdays=0&postorder=asc&&start=0 ) has now asked me to make her parents a 40th wedding anniversary cake. Now I don't have an objection to making the cake so much as I object to being asked - because now I'll feel bad saying no, so of course I'll HAVE to make it. To be honest it's not a cake I would have volunteered. My own parents had their 40th anniversary this year and I didn't make them a cake for various reasons, so now if/when I make this one I'll feel guilty for not making my parents one. Plus I can almost guarantee they won't let anyone actually eat it. icon_rolleyes.gif And my SIL is not exactly my favourite person, so if I'm really honest it does irk me a bit that it's her asking.

I guess this thread doesnt really have a point, except to purge myself of the annoyance. So if anyone else has a family rant to get off their chest, then feel free to purge away!

29 replies
myslady Posted 27 Apr 2011 , 12:21am
post #2 of 30

why do you feel bad telling her no. Tell her although you are pleased she asked you unfortunately are not able to. All she can do is get mad and not talk or ask anything of you which i gather from reading your post would probably suit you fine.

Coral3 Posted 27 Apr 2011 , 12:30am
post #3 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by myslady

why do you feel bad telling her no. Tell her although you are pleased she asked you unfortunately are not able to. All she can do is get mad and not talk or ask anything of you which i gather from reading your post would probably suit you fine.




She's the sort who would blow a simple "No, sorry." WAY out of all proportion, and she doesn't get over stuff and move on like most people would. It's not rational, but she's just like that.

caymancake Posted 27 Apr 2011 , 12:40am
post #4 of 30

Just tell her that you have other obligations, but you're sure that x shop may be able to accommodate her request...if she continues to carry on and make a fuss you can explain that based on the time needed and the cost of materials for the cake, it's just not feasible for you at this time. I hope this works out...don't let her bully you or guilt you into making a cake you don't want to!

myslady Posted 27 Apr 2011 , 12:53am
post #5 of 30

thats why i phrased it that way to make it sound like you want to but just arent able to. Hope it works out for you.

Bluehue Posted 27 Apr 2011 , 1:12am
post #6 of 30

Oh Coral - i just got through reading the other thread about the wedding cake not being cut or eaten at the wedding icon_confused.gificon_confused.gificon_confused.gif


You could always do *that* laugh throwing your head back and say -
"a cake !!! - is anyone going to get too eat it this time?"
And then say what myslady wrote.


Or just say - "Aweeee, sorry, my kitchen is closed that week" - icon_wink.gificon_lol.gif





Still shaking my head over ther wedding cake thread... icon_rolleyes.gif


Bluehue

BakerAnn Posted 27 Apr 2011 , 1:21am
post #7 of 30

Like Bluehue, I am still in recovery mode from reading the other thread. icon_eek.gif

For what it is worth, I have learned from long years of experience that in a situation like this one or the other of you is going to be displeased. You can decline to do this cake (for whatever reason you choose - or not offer a reason at all) and the SIL will be displeased. Or you can please her, do the cake, and tax your own health and frame of mind because you feel forced into it.

Me? It's a no brainer. I'd just let the problem be owned by the person who chooses to make it one.

JulieMN Posted 27 Apr 2011 , 1:39am
post #8 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by BakerAnn

Me? It's a no brainer. I'd just let the problem be owned by the person who chooses to make it one.




thumbs_up.gifthumbs_up.gif

Foxicakes Posted 27 Apr 2011 , 1:39am
post #9 of 30

I agree!! And, I remembered your post when all of that was happening and how absolutely outraged I was for you then!! And, didn't you make another cake for them after that also that they did the same thing with?? Like a b-day cake or something?? Please, please, PLEASE!! dont make that horrible family another cake!!PLEASE????...

artscallion Posted 27 Apr 2011 , 2:19am
post #10 of 30

I agree with bakerann. Why would SIL stop blowing things out of proportion when it always works. This site is filled with stories of wonderful people tip toeing around the crazy fits of others. Why do the crazies always get to be the ones who win??? Why are we so afraid they'll get upset??? When they clearly don't give a fluff if we are? I say let 'em get upset!

I used to be a real people-pleaser and peace-maker in my family. Until one day the above dawned on me. I stood up and decided that from then on I was going to be the demanding one in the family. I was going to be the one everyone was afraid to cross. But the difference between me and the SILs of the world, is that I don't demand crazy or irrational things. I demand respect, peace, my due and the freedom to decide when and if I want to make a $300 gift to someone.

I say this will go on and on until the rules are made clear. Even if you dance around it this time and get out of it, what's to stop her from asking next time. Say very plainly to her that you love making cakes for her. But that cakes are a lot of work and expense and that you aren't always willing or able to take one on. So if you offer to make a cake, it's a gift. Otherwise, you really prefer not to get requests for cakes.

Best of luck, whatever you decide to do. These people can be masters at the game.

klutzy_baker Posted 27 Apr 2011 , 2:54am
post #11 of 30

I read the wedding cake thread and I'm speechless. They take the whole cake home and when you mention that you might even like to try a taste after they raved about it, the mother says that she'll get in trouble for "giving bits away"?!?! Oh my!!

I think others gave good advice how to say "no" to you SIL, but I would highly suggest that you do say "no". Otherwise, she's always going to have that lousy attitude.

Take care!

saffronica Posted 27 Apr 2011 , 3:12am
post #12 of 30

Just in case you've forgotten, here's what you said in the other thread:
"Okay, definitely no more cake for them....I just visited the MIL and (one week later) the birthday cake has still not been cut! And to think I put expensive liqueur and over a kilogram of top quality eating chocolate into that thing! Hmph! Why do I bother?"

And from Indydebi, same thread:
"I'm having fun with potential responses to future requests for cake!!

'Gosh, since you were too embarassed to serve my cake at your wedding, I can't see how I can humiliate you at your party by making a cake for your birthday. Perhaps you should get one of those cardboard cakes at the grocery instead.'

'Sorry, I don't go to all of that work just to make a display cake that you won't serve to your guests ..... especially when I'm expected to make it for free. You'll need to actually PAY for a cake from somewhere else so you won't be ashamed to serve it.' "

Come now, Coral3! Have you learned nothing?!?! icon_smile.gif

Good luck, whatever you decide to do. And please, PLEASE keep us posted!

saffronica Posted 27 Apr 2011 , 3:26am
post #13 of 30

Wait, I just realized something: Are SIL's parents also your in-laws? That might change things. It sounds like the cake still wouldn't be served icon_rolleyes.gif , but I'd recommend at least discussing it with your husband. He might not care, but maybe he'd like a cake for his parents, regardless of what the SIL thinks.

Coral3 Posted 27 Apr 2011 , 4:08am
post #14 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by saffronica

Just in case you've forgotten, here's what you said in the other thread:
"Okay, definitely no more cake for them....I just visited the MIL and (one week later) the birthday cake has still not been cut! And to think I put expensive liqueur and over a kilogram of top quality eating chocolate into that thing! Hmph! Why do I bother?"

And from Indydebi, same thread:
"I'm having fun with potential responses to future requests for cake!!

'Gosh, since you were too embarassed to serve my cake at your wedding, I can't see how I can humiliate you at your party by making a cake for your birthday. Perhaps you should get one of those cardboard cakes at the grocery instead.'

'Sorry, I don't go to all of that work just to make a display cake that you won't serve to your guests ..... especially when I'm expected to make it for free. You'll need to actually PAY for a cake from somewhere else so you won't be ashamed to serve it.' "

Come now, Coral3! Have you learned nothing?!?! icon_smile.gif

Good luck, whatever you decide to do. And please, PLEASE keep us posted!




Um, I think I might have said that icon_redface.gificon_redface.gif

Obviously I'm a slow learner! icon_redface.gificon_rolleyes.gif

Why are families such a PITA at times? Don't get me wrong, I love them and all that, and if life takes an unexpected turn and things go terribly wrong they're the ones you can really count on, but sheesh - sometimes the silliest little things about them can bug the hell out of you...like them not sharing cake, for example LOL icon_rolleyes.gif

And yes, SIL's parents are my in-laws, so I don't know that refusing (as much as I'd like to) is really an option. I just know it's going to be a chore. SIL asks without having any appreciation for the amount of time I'm going to have to spend on it. If I asked her to spend that amount of her time helping me out with something she'd have a thousand excuses. And after the wedding cake fiasco I do resent her asking. The fact is if I'm honest, I don't think I would have a problem making it had my husband been the one asking. I do like my in-laws, and get on pretty well with them so I guess I'll have to focus on the fact that I'd really be making it for them, not her.

I guess I have learned nothing! icon_cry.gif

Mo-Mo73 Posted 27 Apr 2011 , 4:24am
post #15 of 30

i know its hard to say no to family but take it from me...i did my MIL hair for free ONCE...the thing that urked me is that she didnt offer to pay, tip, or even thank me..i also had to turn away paying customers cause i was still busy doing her hair..i know hair and cake are totally different but the point is...IF YOU DONT REALLY LIKE THE IN-LAWS AND IT WILL ONLY COST YOU MONEY AND TIME AND HEADACHE...DONT DO IT!!!

Bluehue Posted 27 Apr 2011 , 5:09am
post #16 of 30

Coral - make it easy on yourself -

tell yourself why you WOULD do it
then
tell you self why you WOULDN'T do it.

Which ever one makes you smile - go with it.

But remember - you have to stand by your conviction thumbs_up.gif

Families - unlike our friends - we can't pick and choose.
wellll unless you divorce *that family* and suss out another - icon_wink.gificon_lol.gif
just kidding. icon_smile.gif

If it were me - lolllll - i would just say
Oi, what do you think this is ......the good ole Coral Charity - they are your parents - how about you make one *this* time? icon_rolleyes.gificon_rolleyes.gif
Leave it at that - and stare at her with one of those *hmmmmmm* looks.


But then my soapbox is never far from me - lollllllllllllllllll thumbs_up.gif

Blue

johnson6ofus Posted 27 Apr 2011 , 5:24am
post #17 of 30

My favorite cop out is, "I'd really love to make it but because it is such and important event, and I am flattered beyond words that you trust me to make such an important cake, my health and sanity can't stand up to the pressure."

What can they say? "Suck it up and do it." ??? icon_eek.gif

If pressed, I have family, work, kids, "stuff" and just plain stress overload.

"no" is a wonderful and liberating word.

GL to you!

Bluehue Posted 27 Apr 2011 , 5:29am
post #18 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by johnson6ofus

My favorite cop out is, "I'd really love to make it but because it is such and important event, and I am flattered beyond words that you trust me to make such an important cake, my health and sanity can't stand up to the pressure."

What can they say? "Suck it up and do it." ??? icon_eek.gif
ROFLMAO - love that thumbs_up.gifthumbs_up.gificon_wink.gif

Blue


If pressed, I have family, work, kids, "stuff" and just plain stress overload.

"no" is a wonderful and liberating word.

GL to you!


carmijok Posted 27 Apr 2011 , 6:38am
post #19 of 30

Why not get out of it by saying 'gosh I appreciate you asking but I won't be able to--however I'll help you find someone else who can do a good job!' If she throws a fit just tell her that you're sorry it's a bad time for you. I mean what's the worst she can do? Quit asking for freebies?

de_montsoreau Posted 27 Apr 2011 , 10:51am
post #20 of 30

Ha, just smile brightly into her face and say: " Hey, I have a brilliant idea - why don't we do it together?!?! It will be soooo much fun!!" No worries, she will not agree and then you have an easy way out: " Oh, I can not do it alone with having xyz to do".

That was the diplomatic way... I would just say " Well, I rather bake a cake for myself so I can eat it, too" lol






Edited for typo

Jennifer353 Posted 27 Apr 2011 , 11:42am
post #21 of 30

If you really dont feel you can not make it, you could make a very tiny one and if she says anything say "well I assumed you wouldn't be serving it after the other times so there is no point in wasting a big cake and all the expensive ingredients and it saves you having to freeze it" Say you put extra special ingredients into it so that they were getting a particularly good quality cake and the quality didnt have to get watered down into a cake big enough to share with the "riff raff"

ShandraB Posted 27 Apr 2011 , 12:24pm
post #22 of 30

I have an ongoing difficult relationship with my in-laws, so I feel your pain. I would make the cake to avoid the future problems of not making it, but I wouldn't go above and beyond. Find out how many people are expected, make a dessert cake that will be super yummy and then, as the daughter-in-law, cut and serve it at the party. You could even bring the plates, forks and napkins, etc....

I also think you have an out. You can say that since you were not able to make a cake for your own parents anniversary, that you would feel very bad if you made one for your in-laws. I know you said they aren't always logical, but it's worth a try.

I have read your other posts about their terrible behavior (and it is just appalling), but you have to live with yourself about how YOU behave, and not how they behave. I have done many things I didn't want to do so that it wouldn't come back on my husband and cause him pain.

cutiepiecupcake Posted 27 Apr 2011 , 12:31pm
post #23 of 30

I'd be buying a dummy cake specifically devoted to your painful SIL ... that way you could just recycle it over and over.. afterall, she never eats the damn thing! Just pull it out of the cupboard and spraypaint it a different colour and pipe on the appropriate words icon_wink.gif I know, tacky with a capital T.. but I think tacky for a tactless SIL is perfect. Yep, dummy cake all the way for her.

Bluehue Posted 27 Apr 2011 , 12:50pm
post #24 of 30

Me again - nothing constructive to add icon_redface.gificon_rolleyes.gif

I am just howling at some of the responses -
If nothing else - this is one great thread to make one laugh - Sorry Coral, not laughing at your situation - just how clever some of the CC's are on here. thumbs_up.gif

carmijok ...
what's the worst she can do? Quit asking for freebies?

Jennifer353 ...
Say you put extra special ingredients into it so that they were getting a particularly good quality cake and the quality didnt have to get watered down into a cake big enough to share with the "riff raff"

cupcake ...
I know, tacky with a capital T.. but I think tacky for a tactless SIL is perfect. Yep, dummy cake all the way for her.


Poor Coral - she is probably whipping up something fantastic as i type...
either that or in front of the tellie not giving it another thought... icon_lol.gificon_lol.gif


Blue.

indydebi Posted 27 Apr 2011 , 2:16pm
post #25 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by ShandraB

I have an ongoing difficult relationship with my in-laws, so I feel your pain. I would make the cake to avoid the future problems of not making it, but I wouldn't go above and beyond. Find out how many people are expected, make a dessert cake that will be super yummy and then, as the daughter-in-law, cut and serve it at the party. You could even bring the plates, forks and napkins, etc....

I also think you have an out. You can say that since you were not able to make a cake for your own parents anniversary, that you would feel very bad if you made one for your in-laws. I know you said they aren't always logical, but it's worth a try.

I have read your other posts about their terrible behavior (and it is just appalling), but you have to live with yourself about how YOU behave, and not how they behave. I have done many things I didn't want to do so that it wouldn't come back on my husband and cause him pain.


Itsacakepop Posted 27 Apr 2011 , 2:58pm
post #26 of 30

I suggest that you agree to make it but let them know that you have been hurt by the fact that they do not serve the cakes to the guests. Or why not get hubby to say something. They are his family.
By the way you should be in the business, you're cakes are BEAUTIFUL.

m_willford Posted 27 Apr 2011 , 3:23pm
post #27 of 30

HAHA! I'd bring a dummy cake, and then bring out a big load of cupcakes and personally start passing them around to everyone!

My in-laws do this thing at weddings where they have a big wedding cake on display that the bride and groom cut at the end of the reception, but buy a bunch of sheet cakes and cut them in the kitchen and serve them on the buffet table. Not a huge deal for the local lady they used to get them from until I moved the area. I did on SIL's cake, carrot with amazing cream cheese frosting. They cut one piece to shove at each other but everyone else got sheet cakes from the kitchen. I had driven across the state - a good 5 hours - with the cake, and they had to take the whole thing home with them, divvy it up and send it home with various family members. Odd, but it seems to be the normal thing around here.

The next SIL, I had offered to do the wedding cake as a gift again, and this time said that I would do a small 2 tier for them to cut, as well as 6 doz cupcakes to display around the cake for people to eat! Dogonit, if I'm going to go to the trouble of making a cake from scratch and have perfected my recipes and all that, people are going to eat something yummy that I have made with love! Not some crap sheet cake from the local Winco.

That's the last sibling of my husband's, no more weddings on his side. But you can bet that when my brothers and sisters get married, I'll be doing their cakes as a gift- and I'll be there to cut and serve the wedding cake like I did the one sister whose cake I made! We served cupcakes at her wedding too for those that had to leave the reception early. I tell everyone my cakes are meant to be eaten, and that they taste even better than they look. icon_smile.gif

m_willford Posted 27 Apr 2011 , 3:26pm
post #28 of 30

I should add, in reading over my post, that the lady they used to get them from really didn't do a great job with the cakes and they tasted .... not so good. Probably why they would just do a sheet, because even that tasted better. I know, this lady did my wedding as a favor to my new MIL and the darn thing was nearly tipped over by the time we got there. Ugh.

indydebi Posted 27 Apr 2011 , 3:40pm
post #29 of 30

M. willford, I find the sheet cake thing is a "leftover from the past" kind of thinking.

As a kid (many many decades ago!), I remember the women planning weddings and getting "extra sheet cakes, just in case". Even as a kid, I wondered, "in case of what?" icon_confused.gif I learned later it was "just in case extra people show up." Now what really confused me is they figured all of these extra people were only going to show up for cake. They never had extra chairs "just in case" or extra chicken salad sandwiches "just in case" or extra punch "just in case". Nope! Just extra cake for those sweet toothed wedding crashers! icon_lol.gif

There is also some old-fashioned thinking of saving things "for good". My ex-mother in law died with a huge closet full of items still in the packaging, that she never got to enjoy, because she was saving them "for good". In my years of observation, there is almost a tradition of saving the main wedding cake "for good" and serving the "everday sheet cakes". This is combined with the "tradition" of sending cake home with certain guests, like a gift. Well, its tacky to give them the everyday sheet cakes, but how special we all felt when we got WEDDING cake to take home!

The whole thing, now, seems illogical as at git-out, but many what-we-call-traditions are continued just-because ..... not because of any logical reasoning, but "just because we've always done it that way."

Kinda like the story of cutting off the end of the ham before you cook it ..... then finding out it was because gramma's pan was too short to hold the ham! icon_lol.gif

TexasSugar Posted 27 Apr 2011 , 4:34pm
post #30 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by Coral3

I just know it's going to be a chore. SIL asks without having any appreciation for the amount of time I'm going to have to spend on it. If I asked her to spend that amount of her time helping me out with something she'd have a thousand excuses. And after the wedding cake fiasco I do resent her asking. The fact is if I'm honest, I don't think I would have a problem making it had my husband been the one asking. I do like my in-laws, and get on pretty well with them so I guess I'll have to focus on the fact that I'd really be making it for them, not her.

I guess I have learned nothing! icon_cry.gif




I think you have learned something. I think deep down in your heart you know what choice you want to make. But I think you are just afraid they will be mad at you, it will hurt their feelings, or any other thing.

Why is it okay for you to be upset, for you to be resentful, for you to but forth a lot of time/work/money when it isnt appreciated by them? If you make this cake, what will you do when you get asked again by SIL to make another cake? If you do it this time, she will ask you again.

It is time you stand up for yourself. Why are you thinking about doing something, that it really sounds like you dont want to do?

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