Saying No After Saying Yes. Sil=Bridezilla

Decorating By BethLS Updated 13 Feb 2011 , 8:58pm by ChilliPepper

BethLS Posted 10 Feb 2011 , 1:25pm
post #1 of 19

Hi guys!

As the title implies, my soon to be sister in law is a bridezilla. Shocker, right?

Last year I told SSIL that I'd do her wedding cake as their gift. Since then, and onto even today, this girl cannot, or will not, make any sorts of decisions on her cake. She can't even decide between cake, or cupcakes. I keep telling her over, and over that I need SOMETHING to go off of, and all she responds with is, "Yeeeah, I know. I'll think about it some more and get back with you".

I am becoming frustrated (and that's putting it nicely icon_lol.gif ) and I'm at my witts ends with her. I was doing this to be nice, as a favor, you know? (I'm sure many of you have been there done that) Because we all know the costs of these cakes if we have to buy them ourselves icon_smile.gif But now I also know she basically has an unlimited amount of money from her side of the family for this shindig. (Figures)

I REALLY want to tell her that I cannot do her cake anymore...(It was DH's suggestion, and I looked bewildered and said, "Can I DO that?" LOL) because honestly, my PAID FOR BRIDES for this year and even next year KNOW WHAT THEY WANT.

Truthfully, even if I made her a cake worthy of Kerry Vincent (and I'm not even within a football field of her, just saying for theatrics icon_wink.gif ) I think she'd somehow fine flaw in it. Oh, and now on top of the 250 serving cake, she wants a grooms cake, with like 5 different cake flavors for them that she wants to taste soon. Gosh how I just love being taken advantage of icon_mad.gif

What would the more experienced cakers on here suggest?

18 replies
indydebi Posted 10 Feb 2011 , 1:59pm
post #2 of 19

when is the wedding? 2 weeks away is a whole different situation than 8 months away. "SIL" is a vague relationship .... will this be your brother's wife? Is it your husband's sister? Is it your husband's brother's wife to be?

some folks consider me "too" blunt, but darlin' I'm tellin' ya, it has developed from YEARS of dealing with people at all levels and I just don't have time to deal with the bullsh*t anymore.

Dear SIL:
I volunteered to do your wedding cake as a favor and as my gift to you for your wedding, but in my atttempts to try to get information from you so I can plan this with you, you seem not to be interested. If you prefer to make other arrangements, I'm totally ok with that because that means I can sit back and enjoy the wedding with the other family members instead of having to work the wedding. If you are still interested in having me do your cake, I will need all design and flavor requests locked down by blah-blah date. Otherwise, i will assume you've made other plans and I will get you a traditional gift from your registry instead.

Yes, some people you DO have to hit in the head with a brick. icon_mad.gif

Narie Posted 10 Feb 2011 , 2:00pm
post #3 of 19

I'm not an experienced caker, but this isn't about a cake. Your soon to be SIL doesn't get it that the world doesn't revolve around her-possibly too much money? Go ahead and make the choices yourself- it is your gift to your brother. As for the groom's cake make it the flavor your brother would like -period. Then tell her that since she hasn't made the choices in a acceptable time frame, you have. Then tell her what kind of cake you are making- if that isn't good enough then you will back out of the whole deal and buy your brother and her some other wedding gift. I would make dang sure the gift you buy is something your brother wants.

indydebi Posted 10 Feb 2011 , 2:12pm
post #4 of 19

I also just caught the "250 servings" part. Is she REALLY expecting 250 people (she REALLY invited over 400 people???) or is she just doing a "gift grab" for lots of leftover free cake?

VaBelle Posted 10 Feb 2011 , 2:20pm
post #5 of 19

I say make an appointment with her to sit down and discuss it. Having to sit down and think about it might help her to focus better than the off the cuff or phone or email conversations. I'm assuming as your SIL to be she's tasted your cakes before so I wouldn't think she'd need a tasting of several different flavors.

I have to say, I find it a bit amusing when I here cakers complaining. A friend made my cake and I had to beg her to sit down with me a month before the wedding. She wanted to do it the week before. Glad I convinced her too because I wanted some different fillings that she hadn't made before so it gave her time to figure out how she was going to make them.

BethLS Posted 10 Feb 2011 , 2:37pm
post #6 of 19

Hi guys,

K (Bride) is just very, very scatterbrained. Has lead a very "sheltered" life if you will, and doesn't quite get that the world doesn't revolve around her icon_wink.gif

This is my husbands brother and his fiance.

My husband says (I say this now, but that'll most likely change) he isn't even going to the wedding....but I know he's just mad because he wasn't even asked to be in the bridal party, when his brother was his best man in our wedding.

Aren't families FUN? icon_rolleyes.gif

Debi, I think she truly believes that AT LEAST 220, if not 250 guests will be coming. (I totally sent her your blog article on the guest count list too! icon_lol.gif )


Her wedding isn't until August, so 6 months away approximately. But like I said I'm just getting frustrated because I've spent hours looking at things for her based on her colors and flower choices and drawing up things for her. She's sent me numerous links to things she likes, but can't make a decision. I would really to know if I need to buy the materials and get started on a ginormous cupcake stand while the business is on the slow side of things (winter, blah).

And, like I said in my first post also, I have a good handfull of brides after August that have their cakes booked with deposit, swatches given, sketches authorized, ect.

But she can't?

VaBelle, I tried getting her to book just a consult...her response? "I just don't know when! I'm soooo busy!" icon_evil.gif

BethLS Posted 10 Feb 2011 , 2:43pm
post #7 of 19

Oh did I mention this grooms cake is to be a 3D carved cake? LOL

leily Posted 10 Feb 2011 , 2:51pm
post #8 of 19

Since you still have 6 months until the wedding i would go to her (or email her) the following items... maybe nice it up a little?

Since you are unsure of what you would like for your wedding cake Lets plan on getting together 1 month from today (or whatever time frame you pick) to sit down and go over what you have come up with. This should give you enough time in the next month to look online and in magazines to see what you would like for a wedding cake.

Please keep in mind that our gift to you for the cake is in the amount of $---- Anything over this dollar amount for your design will need to be covered by you. (You REALLY need to do this otherwise her wedding cake and grooms cake will become huge i bet)

If we do not meet in 1 month and get a contract written up will assume that you have chosen to go elsewhere for your cake and i will open up that date for someone else to book with me.

Mb20fan Posted 10 Feb 2011 , 3:19pm
post #9 of 19

When you are giving something as a gift, who other than you can put a value on that? That totally just leaves the door wide open with you taking a huge loss. I agree that you should explain to her that your gift is a beautiful cake valued at $X amount and anything over needs to be covered by them AND that your gift of a wedding cake didn't include a 3D carved groom's cake with multiple flavors. Image But of course, you can say that nicer than I just did. icon_wink.gif

cheatize Posted 10 Feb 2011 , 3:27pm
post #10 of 19

I like leily's response. I would start treating this less like family and more like a business transaction. The only difference is that you aren't getting paid. She doesn't get to just throw in a groom's cake unless she pays for it. You are providing X number of servings in a style not to exceed X number of dollars. Meet with her, get everything in writing, and then put it on your calendar- just like a business transaction. Later on, when she still tries to change stuff, refer back to the contract. To me, this is a CYA situation. You want something in writing; you want everything to be understood on both sides of the transaction. If you usually let brides put down a deposit and get back to you later with design, that's what you do in this situation. If your brides have to everything nailed down at the time of signing the contract, that's what you do here.

Personally, after I give a client a few initial design ideas, I leave them alone to think. They can search the web as easily as you can so why do it on your dime?

TexasSugar Posted 10 Feb 2011 , 3:32pm
post #11 of 19

I'm a caker and if you asked me what I wanted for my cake I would have a hard time telling you, because I don't know. Now my best friends, when she decides to get married, I have a pretty good idea what I would do if she gave me the freedom to do what ever.

To me, considering the comment about hubby, I'd say there is alot more going on here than just the cake. That may be the bulk of it, but there sounds like there are other issues at play. If you don't want to do the cake, then don't. Be honest and up front with her now so that she has time to find someone else.

If you do decide you still want to do the cake, then I would do as suggested above. You need to set the guidelines of what kind of behavior you are willing to accept from her. If she has had your cakes then I would point out that a taste is unneeded, but that you would love to sit down with her one on one and really talk about the cake. It could be that you need to sit down with her and get her focused attention to really get some information out of her.

indydebi Posted 10 Feb 2011 , 3:51pm
post #12 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by BethLS

I'm just getting frustrated because I've spent hours looking at things for her based on her colors and flower choices and drawing up things for her. She's sent me numerous links to things she likes, but can't make a decision.


Stop looking for things FOR her. When she sends you things, send her a note with, "Thanks for the photo. Just keep it all together in your file so you can bring it all with you when we get together to finalize the design next month."

You might also start analyzing what she is sending you. Is there a pattern or a theme or is she all over the board? If she's all over the board, I'd "suggest" icon_rolleyes.gif that she seems to be all over the board on what she's selecting and she needs to really narrow it down more. Give a couple of examples, if you can, like a 5-tier gold and red topsy turvy AND a 4 tier white fondant with plain ribbon. Those are two TOTALLY different styles and tastes. Narrow it down.

Ali3971 Posted 10 Feb 2011 , 3:56pm
post #13 of 19

You agreed to do the wedding cake as a gift not a free grooms cake too! Also it is wise to put a cap on your gift of the cake. When you first agreed to make her a cake what price point were you estimating? before she invited a ton of people? That should be your cap. If you were thinking of making her a $6-700 wedding cake than she needs to pay a difference and a deposit like everyone else does. My best friend is getting married and I am doing her cake and we are so excited, picking designs etc HOWEVER she still has to sign a contract, follow my timeline in which I need decisions made, put down a deposit or I will cancel her. I give all of my customers a timeline. This is what I need when and if I do not have this information I cannot proceed in making your cake. I do not keep a stock of supplies and Im not maying extra to have them rush delivered to me. I need time to order the things specifically for their cake and prepare and prep and you have went out of your way enough already. You have been finding designs and pictures and made several attempts to get things decided. If she went to a non family baker she would have to follor their rules and she should have enough respect for you to follow yours. You deffinitily need to remind her that your soing her a favor because you want to and not because you have to.

KateLS Posted 10 Feb 2011 , 3:56pm
post #14 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi



Dear SIL:
I volunteered to do your wedding cake as a favor and as my gift to you for your wedding, but in my atttempts to try to get information from you so I can plan this with you, you seem not to be interested. If you prefer to make other arrangements, I'm totally ok with that because that means I can sit back and enjoy the wedding with the other family members instead of having to work the wedding. If you are still interested in having me do your cake, I will need all design and flavor requests locked down by blah-blah date. Otherwise, i will assume you've made other plans and I will get you a traditional gift from your registry instead.

Yes, some people you DO have to hit in the head with a brick. icon_mad.gif




I second this! Tell her she needs to make up her mind. Otherwise, let it fly!

endymion Posted 10 Feb 2011 , 4:20pm
post #15 of 19

I think a (nicely-stated) deadline may be what she needs. I'm pretty indecisive myself... It doesn't mean I'm not interested or that I think the world revolves around me; I'm just indecisive!

But given a specific deadline, then I'd make a firm decision by then.

I'm guessing she is thinking if the wedding is 6 months away, there is no rush on her decision. She may have no idea that this is causing you so much stress and frustration.

I agree with others that it would be good to clarify exactly what you are gifting, and allow her to pay extra if she wants something beyond that.

I hope everything works out well for everyone!

TexasSugar Posted 10 Feb 2011 , 4:36pm
post #16 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by endymion

I think a (nicely-stated) deadline may be what she needs. I'm pretty indecisive myself... It doesn't mean I'm not interested or that I think the world revolves around me; I'm just indecisive!

But given a specific deadline, then I'd make a firm decision by then.




You should see me with picking out paint colors. And my poor family wouldn't even give me votes. I got the its your house paint the rooms what ever you want. But, but help me make up my mind! icon_lol.gif

vtcake Posted 13 Feb 2011 , 7:54pm
post #17 of 19

Either be firm with her or forever hold your peace.

indydebi Posted 13 Feb 2011 , 8:34pm
post #18 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by vtcake

Either be firm with her or forever hold your peace.


Excellent! thumbs_up.gif

ChilliPepper Posted 13 Feb 2011 , 8:58pm
post #19 of 19

I am so with IndiDebi on this. Get tough. Drop the Groom's cake unless she is prepared to pay for it. Make a definite appointment to FINALISE the design of the wedding cake and you still get nowhere tell her because she didn't want to sit down and finalise designs with you that you have taken another booking as you assumed she'd made alternative arrangements.

Am I getting hard in my old age - probably!

CP xx

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