This Is Just Too Much!!!! (Very Long)

Lounge By Annabakescakes Updated 22 Dec 2010 , 1:03am by cownsj

Annabakescakes Posted 7 Dec 2010 , 9:22pm
post #1 of 63

My mom sends me an email today that says "cake for 12/11/10" and I'm like WTH??? So i look at it and she says, " Sorry it's taken me so long to send this, call me when you can go to this site, and I will give you the location of the images
http://www.4armedforces.com/results.cgis?KEYWORDS=engeneers&CATALOG=CUSTOM&s=40&p=2

Well, the image is the Castle for the Corpse of Engineers. My brother is in the National Guard and it is for their Christmas thing.

Well, we discussed me MAYBE doing a cake in Dec for this, but we talked about a couple months ago and we never talked about it again! She said she would let me know when it got a little loser, and she said "nothing that elaborate, just a sheet cake. 20 to 50 servings."

Then I see a second Email from her saying 100 servings and she hopes that I do the castle 3D. icon_eek.gif SAY WHAT??? It is 4 days away!! I erased the email because I was so mad. But we are broke so I though it would be nice to get some $$$

So I call her and I say," What were the details we discussed? I barely remember this." Basically I am trying to get to what $$$ I quoted her. She meanders through the tulips a bit and then I finally ask her,"What did I say I would charge you?" SHe says, "Well, I had hoped I would cash in that free cake you said you would give me." SAY WHAT??? I was thinking an 8" for her boyfriends birthday! The woman cut two different colored sheets in half then sewed back together opposite to make some curtains for my baby so we could block the light for naps, and match the decor! And she thinks that would be worth $450? Besides, I haven't even gotten them back yet, and that was over a month ago.

I feel like I have to do this, because she bought my kids coat and gloves for Christmas, but I do not want to!! This is the first year she even got them anything because she filed for SS disability and got a 12 moths back pay, so she is rolling in $$, for now.Plus, she isn't even disabled, she got it because she has an erratic work history due to popping off at the mouth and making mistakes as a nurse. She said it was anxiety, now she gets $2000 a month for free and sews for people "under the table".

And I don't even think of doing it for my brother because He went to Afghanistan a couple years ago, but can back and applied for unemployment and food stamps and HUD and WIC for the kid. He has gone to school some but dropped out. His wife is a slut and strips for tips so she has no traceable income. He never looks for a job, and has collected unemployment ($324 a week) for almost 2 years, and was thinking he might have to find a job soon because his unemployment was running out BUT congress just extended it today! So he sits on his butt, his wife shows her butt and they live better than me and my DH, who works HARD 40 hours a week, I supplement with cakes when I can. My X owes $8000 in back child support and hasn't given me any in 6 months. We have been eating meatless meals for 2 weeks and have officially canceled Christmas for the kids this year. And we may loose the house because we were supposed to get the First time homebuyer tax credit, but the IRS has disallowed it, and I can't even start the business I was going to start with it, so I could pay the bills. And now I am supposed to do this cake for free! icon_cry.gif But she will get the ingredients. Gee thanks.

Somebody please say something that will help!!!! icon_rolleyes.gif Though I am asking for a miracle! She is so manipulative, conniving, and has this whole "poor me" thing going. She reinvents the past to make her self out to be a martyr and a victim. But the therapist I had after high school said that I was trying to earn her love but she just doesn't like women, may have multiple personality disorder and there is nothing I can do.

If anybody is till reading this, thank you!

62 replies
Mb20fan Posted 7 Dec 2010 , 9:31pm
post #2 of 63

Wow...what a situation! I think I would have to honestly speak with her and explain YOUR situation and that making a few $$$ on this big project would mean a Christmas for your family or better yet, paying the bills. I'm so sorry for you...I do hope you find some sort of agreement with her that will benefit both sides...and find it quick. Best, Best, Best of luck!

KSMill Posted 7 Dec 2010 , 9:36pm
post #3 of 63

You have so much on your shoulders right now, the first thing you should tell her is that you absolutely cannot afford to do a cake that large for nothing. Given what history has shown you, you have to be upfront and stand your ground. Good luck!

Franluvsfrosting Posted 7 Dec 2010 , 9:39pm
post #4 of 63

Why is it exactly that you feel obligated to make this after all that you said? Seriously think about what you're willing to do and for what amount of money. Then tell her and stick to your guns.

Honestly though, maybe it's time you stopped trying to earn her love and apply a little tough love both to yourself and her. (You because it will obviously be very hard for you to do without feeling guilty. But aren't you worth more than just being manipulated for what they can get from you? )

I hope that didn't sound harsh, it wasn't my intent. I just loathe manipulation and people who think everything is their due. If she bought your kids a gift, it should be taken as a gift and any strings she might have attached should be ignored (and therefore have no bearing on this situation so you are free to not bake her a ridiculously large free cake!)

Good luck!

Ambar2 Posted 7 Dec 2010 , 9:44pm
post #5 of 63

Charge her if she wants it, you and your husband need the extra bucks, NO FREE CAKE! Sorry Mom!!!!!!!!!Sounds like my in-law

ShaunPepe Posted 7 Dec 2010 , 9:45pm
post #6 of 63

Honestly....I wouldn't even do a cake. She is not going to be happy with anything you make. You are going to stress, stress, stress about it all week. Just tell her, you can't do a cake like that for free. If you want, email her. I know moms have a way of twisting your words around in a conversation and then you hang up the phone and realize the phone call made things worse. I have a mom who never listens, but loves to be heard. Email and tell her you can do a sheet cake to feed 20-50, thats it, if you feel like you HAVE to make something. Good luck with this. Stand up to her, you can do it. She doesn't deserve a free cake.

LuluSweetArt Posted 7 Dec 2010 , 9:48pm
post #7 of 63

Repeat after me: "I'm sorry but at such short notice and without proper compensation I am unable to do this for you at this time."

And if that doesn't work, try this: "My children are having to do without a Christmas this year. I refuse to financially burden my family further."

Don't give in to this! You are being bullied! Good luck! ::HUGS::

soobsessedwithcake Posted 7 Dec 2010 , 9:50pm
post #8 of 63

I am so sorry for your situation. I think you should definitely tell her what you've said here. Ok, maybe not everything you have said, but the part where you were thinking a small birthday cake or something for her free cake, not a $450 cake. Tell her you are not financially able to do a cake like that, or any cake it sounds like, for free right now. I would hope she would understand. Does she know about your financial situation? Stand your ground or you will be out $ you don't have and your valuable time. I hope things turn out well for you!

cabecakes Posted 7 Dec 2010 , 9:50pm
post #9 of 63

WOW! I think the first thing you need to do is take a deep breath in...hold it...out. Now then, number one: You can only be used as much as you allow yourself to be used. If you don't want to do such an elaborate cake, simply tell your mother, "Mom, I'm sorry but at this late notice I couldn't possibly make his cake as fancy as that. It take time that I just don't have right now due to (whatever). I will be more than happy to make you the sheet cake that we agreed upon, something nice." When the But comes out of her mouth just put your hand up and say, "Mom, I really love you and want to do this just the way you want, but it's not going to happen. Unless you can find someone else to make it at this late date, but I'm telling you it can't be done." There is a simple word...one with only 2 letters...NO...everyone needs to have it in their vocabulary when it comes to pushy people like this. Why is it that the people who don't have to punch a time card or have other responsiblilities are the most demanding...wanting everything right now and wanting the best there is. Nothing makes me madder then to be in someplace like Wal-mart and watching people with stuff like crab legs and steak and shrimp in their cart and paying for it with food stamps. I can't even afford to buy those kinds of things and I work 40 hours a week.

Karen421 Posted 7 Dec 2010 , 9:50pm
post #10 of 63

Oh boy, I am so sorry! I think a very nice sheet cake would be appropriate. If you feel the need to explain, then very nicely tell them, that money & time are very tight, but you want to do something, so here you go. Leave it at that and don't stress yourself out - it is 4 days away!! Good Luck!

amygortoncakes Posted 7 Dec 2010 , 9:58pm
post #11 of 63

All I can say is unbelievable.

Whatever you decide please let us know...I can't wait to see what she says/ offers.

Kitagrl Posted 7 Dec 2010 , 10:12pm
post #12 of 63

Wait...your MOM expects repayment in a huge cake, for throwing together some curtains! I thought moms did that kinda stuff just because they love their kid!!!! *sigh*

I'd definitely just say "My kids don't have Christmas this year. I'm sorry but I cannot afford to make free cakes at this point". If she throws the curtains back in your face, or the coats...then give them back or tell her you'll pay her back next year. (Hopefully that will guilt her into some sense) But don't let her bully you into doing more things you can't afford.

I'm so sorry you are going through this!!!! It makes me sad to see the people raking in government help while people like your family works hard and barely makes it. Sometimes its just not fair how they run all those social programs. Sorry. thumbsdown.gif

pkinkema Posted 7 Dec 2010 , 10:21pm
post #13 of 63

Anna, your cakes are great! How about if you let her take some ownership also--since it's for your brother--and tell her that you could decorate and put a fondant castle (flat) design on it, but you need her to provide (bake) the sheet cakes for you. Bet she won't want to make the effort at this late date. Viola! Please don't back yourself into a corner over this! I just said a little prayer for you. You need some higher power help and peace here!

JanetBme Posted 7 Dec 2010 , 10:22pm
post #14 of 63

- do you not want to do this because you think she is manipulating you- or that she is asking too much or that you feel she thinks you owe her for the coats and gloves- or that you feel she is doing nothing for her money and since she rolling in it right now and you aren't, that she should pay for it.

Whether you really owe her is not the point. From what you said above, you certainly feel that you "have" to do the cake. So, Make the best of it .

4 days, not feasable to do an upright castle. Period. Tell her that. You can also tell her that you don't have the money to buy all the stuff to make it. However, if she buys the stuff you will still feel that you owe her. If you do it, then you will feel that you don't any more. I think getting that off your back is important.

A sheet cake however you can pull off. OR even a 2 d one would be easy enough and impress them. (two 12x18 torted and filled side by side- 1 single layer 12x18 cut the shape of the castle outline and lay it over the center of the two cakes. It is a simple shape. Ice it gray. No supports no inner board needed. If you have a brick texture mat then texture it. (or take a ruller and press in the lines) Put the name of the unit across the top on a fondant banner (outline in gold) People will see your work at that event- the more events you do the more people that might order a cake from you. You will come out on top.

TejasRebel Posted 7 Dec 2010 , 10:59pm
post #15 of 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by LuluSweetArt

Repeat after me: "I'm sorry but at such short notice and without proper compensation I am unable to do this for you at this time."

And if that doesn't work, try this: "My children are having to do without a Christmas this year. I refuse to financially burden my family further."

Don't give in to this! You are being bullied! Good luck! ::HUGS::




Amen. Enough said.

neelycharmed Posted 7 Dec 2010 , 11:28pm
post #16 of 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by LuluSweetArt

Repeat after me: "I'm sorry but at such short notice and without proper compensation I am unable to do this for you at this time."

And if that doesn't work, try this: "My children are having to do without a Christmas this year. I refuse to financially burden my family further."

Don't give in to this! You are being bullied! Good luck! ::HUGS::




Ditto thumbs_up.gif
Jodi

dldbrou Posted 8 Dec 2010 , 12:07am
post #17 of 63

Okay, I hope that letting off steam helped with your stress level. You need a shoulder to lean on and we are here for you. My thoughts go out to your children. No Christmas for them is not right when your mother is rolling in $$$$$. Your EX husband owes $8,000 and he isn't in jail? Sick the law and him or pay up so the kids get a Christmas.

Since your mother thinks you owe her, tell her you will just give her an IOU and clear your stress of her. You do not need the financial or physical stress for a cake for a brother you have no respect for.

How can you take from the kids to please a mother that could care less about her grandchildren. You said this was the first gift in a long time. Just remember a gift is a gift, not a guilt trip. The curtains have not even been given to you, so you do not have to repay for her services at this point.

Do not let her manipulate you into feeling you owe her, she is your mother and should do for you and your children without strings.

Just email her, no phone call and tell her you can not help her at this time and would rather spend the Christmas holidays trying to make something for your kids no matter how small. Be honest if she does call you and tell her that if you have any money this month it will go towards Christmas, not a cake.

Check with your church or government to see if they have gifts that you could give your children.

costumeczar Posted 8 Dec 2010 , 12:23am
post #18 of 63

Tell her no. Just because she's your mother doesn't mean that you have to do everything she wants. You already know that she's manipulative, but that doesn't mean that you have to let yourself be manipulated. YOU DON'T NEED TO FEEL GUILTY!!! She's trying to take advantage of you big time, and if she tries to make you feel guilty just remember that. A good mother doesn't do that to her kids. She needs to grow up and get over herself.

NerdyGirl Posted 8 Dec 2010 , 12:24am
post #19 of 63

The best thing to do is just be honest and tell your mom your problems/how your feeling. She may not even realize what she's doing (moms are human, after all!). Sure, she wants to cash in her IOU, but if you explain to her why now is a bad time, hopefully she'll understand.

Kaytecake Posted 8 Dec 2010 , 12:31am
post #20 of 63

Annabakescakes- I'm sorry that things are so difficult for you this holiday season. Is your mother aware of this? If not, then let her know. If she is aware but still expects this expensive cake- then she is being unreasonable and selfish.

I know people like your family members and they will continue to take from you as long as you allow it. It's painful and frustrating. Give yourself a bit of time to take a hard look at the relationship that you have with them and then decide how you want to be treated. It will be difficult and they will get angry with you but, do you want them to continue to invalidate your feelings and concerns? I don't mean that you should pick a fight with them but take a stand. You decide what a fair exchange is and you decide what works for you.


Don't they have much tougher "dead-beat dad" laws? Is there a free legal assistance office in your area? Your ex needs to pay up. Good luck to you and I hope that your situation improves soon. (HUGS)

obsessed Posted 8 Dec 2010 , 12:41am
post #21 of 63

I think that you teach people how to treat you. Let go of the guilt (it's not easy, I know....) and nicely tell your mom that you cannot afford to do a giant free cake right now. In my opinion, your kids (and their well-being) are the most important thing...your mom and brother are adults (technically) and should understand this. You need to do what is best for your family. If you feel you must make a cake, I agree with the others...offer a simple sheet cake. If they need/want more than you can provide, they have the option of stopping by the grocery store.... Just my two cents....

adonisthegreek1 Posted 8 Dec 2010 , 1:12am
post #22 of 63

First of all, just say no. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty or obligated.

There is so much that I don't understand in your post. How can someone get unemployment for 2 years? Here you have to register with an unemployment agency that partners with the state, meet with a counselor, post a resume online and show proof that you are actively seeking employment.

How can your mom get disability for such a frivolous cause? I had a relative who was seriously disabled with several documented ailments that are potentially life threatening. They were still denied disability, and had to fight for almost 3 years to get it.

cownsj Posted 8 Dec 2010 , 1:15am
post #23 of 63

The time factor alone makes this impossible to do, even if she gave you money. At first I thought you were going to say you brother was home on leave and there is only a weeks time to have this cake for him. However, since that is clearly not the case, there is no reason he "HAS" to have this cake for Christmas. Just because your mom may have promised him one for Christmas doesn't mean you have to fulfill her promise. You could explain all the problems going on, and also tell her that the cake she wants just can't be done to the standard she'd like to see for your brother, so the two of you should get together after Christmas and work out all the details for a cake for a future date (and you include cost, etc.) In the meantime, if your family gets together for the holiday, you'd be more than happy to make a nice cake for that.

The one thing I may have missed is why does she want a cake for so many people? If she is having that many people for a gathering, then she's got to be spending money on food and drinks, and no matter where they come from, she'll have to pay for it. Regardless, unless she gave you enough money to be usable for making a better Christmas for your kids, then it's not worth the stress on you to try to fulfill her demands. Best of luck.

mommynana Posted 8 Dec 2010 , 1:19am
post #24 of 63

WAIT u think u owe her for the coats and gloves, those are her grandchildren, ( i would give my life for mine) and as a mother she can`t see that ur in a spot right now, i would say NO MONEY NO CAKE

Annabakescakes Posted 8 Dec 2010 , 5:18am
post #25 of 63

Thank you for all the comments, I wish I had cake balls when it comes to family, but I don't. I do tell my mom off about once every couple years, and swear she's poison and I'm never going to have her in my life again, but then she worms back in after 3 months or so. She sucks the life out of me. But I am such a people pleaser. I hate letting people down, and yes I bend over backwards so she can take advantage of me.

I do want her to love me. I always felt like I was adopted growing up. I asked her who my father was when I was 11 and she told me that she was raped to conceive me. Even told the whole story of being followed home by a stranger and pushed into the floor. I believed it for 5 years but my aunt and I were talking on the phone (when I was in a children's home!) and she said that something reminded her of him. I said,"You knew my father? Mom said she was raped to have me." My aunt just about had a cow! Said he was a guy that worked with my uncle and she met him when she came "sniffing" around the the job site. They shacked up for 2 months and he even offered to marry her, but she refused because she was waiting for her husband (my soldier brothers dad) to get out of prison! lol! I met him after my grandpa found him on the internet. We look alike. He was living in a Ranchero (car/truck from the 70's like an El Camino) and tried to molest me on my 18th birthday! So, yeah, I come from white trash, but I am really trying to overcome. I feel like I can make something of myself with my cakes. BTW, my mom is the only one of her family that is white trash. She is a drama queen and swears her sisters and mother lie about her because she has such a good relationship with her daddy, they are all jealous. The woman hates females, she even treats my daughter like crap. It is like watching my life as little girl to see them together.

It is a Christmas party for the battalion, or whatever it is called when it is National Guard. That's why it is so big. Maybe I can get business from it. I just know that if she ever comes around, I can't be at fault for not coming through for her.

Yeah, I'm doing the damn cake. I told her we are broke, the furnace is going out, we owe 1200 in property taxes and she knows the kids are not having Christmas. All that is old news. i gave her the shopping list and "padded" a bit. Extra dozen eggs and extra mixes, got milk to use instead of water! We are going to put pudding in the mix too, I have been meaning to try it, but it has never seemed necessary until this time, lol! I'm going premium ingredients, only the best for my brother! I even had her spurge on the vanilla. Yeah, I know it is petty, but maybe it will give her a new found respect for all I go through. It took her a whole hour at walmart to get it all, lol. She knows how much it would cost, I made sure to tell her, we'll see if she comes up with anything. Knowing her, she will give $50 bucks and make some occasion out of it with a presentation and a prepared speech., turn on the tears and hold my hand for so long it becomes really uncomfortable. (yes, she has done that, minus the presentation, and the hand holding got really weird after 10 minutes and all I could think about was whether it would be rude to remove it) She should write soap operas, she is so dramatic.

mom2twogrlz Posted 8 Dec 2010 , 5:47am
post #26 of 63

WOW!!! Annabakescakes. I truly wish you the best in this situation. At this point your only option is to make an amazing cake that will turn into many future orders. Stay strong and positive and things will turn in your favor!

Corrie76 Posted 8 Dec 2010 , 5:50am
post #27 of 63

I work at a Mental Health agency and everything you've described about your mom indicates that she has Borderline Personality Disorder. Clients with BPD are rarely told and most therapists will diagnose them with anxiety or depression as the primary Dx but sneak in the BPD as a secondary. You should look into this, there are several really good self-help books for children of BPD. They main thing to remember is to have Good Personal Boundaries, from your posts I can tell you really need to work on boundaries. you need to learn to have rules for yourself regarding your mother, a newly adjusted backbone and how to leave that nasty guilt behind! Good luck!

Annabakescakes Posted 8 Dec 2010 , 6:17am
post #28 of 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by MadameRaz

I work at a Mental Health agency and everything you've described about your mom indicates that she has Borderline Personality Disorder. Clients with BPD are rarely told and most therapists will diagnose them with anxiety or depression as the primary Dx but sneak in the BPD as a secondary. You should look into this, there are several really good self-help books for children of BPD. They main thing to remember is to have Good Personal Boundaries, from your posts I can tell you really need to work on boundaries. you need to learn to have rules for yourself regarding your mother, a newly adjusted backbone and how to leave that nasty guilt behind! Good luck!




I believe it, I really do. I read about it a little just now and it sounds like my mom. She does the love/hate relationships with every person she meets, she is very reckless sexually, she does the "splitting" with me and my brothers. My brothers have borrowed money and stolen from her and all kinds of stuff. She acts like they hung the moon. I just wouldn't eat her cooking, or let her men beat on me and I still think her cooking is terrible! Of course, she makes a presentation with every meal she cooks like it the new best thing EVER.
She gets all moody and weird and makes a spectacle out of herself. I read that the BPD levels off after 30 or so, but she will be 55, in January. I wish she was told if she has this, it might do some good to know her off her high horse! But then, she would just have another dramatic tale to tell about how even her own Dr. was "out to get her" and "jealous" and a liar.

I haven't posted any pictures in years, but I will post this one!

Corrie76 Posted 8 Dec 2010 , 6:52am
post #29 of 63

So first off I should say that NO ONE can diagnose ANY ONE- just through forum posts, lol, just a hunch. Also, my own mom has BPD and she is 61 and still struggles. There's no magic pill to cure it and, unfortunately, real treatment requires regular (as in weekly) therapy for these individuals. That's why I suggest you look into resources for children of BPD. You will not learn anything on how to change your mom in any way, but you can learn how to cope with her. I've even read that in some cases, you, as the child, may have to find closure and then cut that toxic person from your life for good.

Annabakescakes Posted 8 Dec 2010 , 7:20am
post #30 of 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by MadameRaz

So first off I should say that NO ONE can diagnose ANY ONE- just through forum posts, lol, just a hunch. Also, my own mom has BPD and she is 61 and still struggles. There's no magic pill to cure it and, unfortunately, real treatment requires regular (as in weekly) therapy for these individuals. That's why I suggest you look into resources for children of BPD. You will not learn anything on how to change your mom in any way, but you can learn how to cope with her. I've even read that in some cases, you, as the child, may have to find closure and then cut that toxic person from your life for good.




lol! I know that no one can diagnose over forums and the frustrated daughters postings! I guess you have to say that though, as some people can be so dense. I just read the most awful thread, and I want my life back, so I really do know about how dense people can be.

I have cut her out of my life many times, and I really feel so much more peaceful when she is out of it. But she lives 1.5 miles from me, and there is only 1 walmart in our town, so I am bound to run into her!

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