Dh Asked Me To Hang Up My Apron For Good :(

Decorating By tsal Updated 27 Jan 2011 , 2:51am by jessyummycakes

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madgeowens Posted 6 Dec 2010 , 11:58pm
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I gave up a nursing career to stay home and just be there, but that was over 30 years ago.......its really a a tough decision. I cried, but decided to give it up for family first. I am not so sure I would do it again if time was turned back. You need to do what makes you happy too. I think only you can decide what will work and wont work in your house. Good Luck.

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tsal Posted 7 Dec 2010 , 2:34am
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Wow! I really want to thank everyone for their kind words, their honesty, and their advice. Dh left last night for a business trip so this is the first chance Ive had to respond since Im juggling the house and my 3 monkeys solo.

I appreciate the different perspectives. I would like to clarify a few things. Firstly, I have never left such a mess before. This was an extreme exception because knowing that the maximum time I would have to sleep was 2 hours or so (my kids are up at 5:30), I had to choose between cleaning and sleeping, and I chose sleep because cleaning would have cut my precious little sleep time in half! So, dh is not constantly cleaning up due to my hobby. If he had woken up to a clean kitchen, I doubt he would have freaked out to such a degree (I also have our coffee on a timer and didnt do that either so I had a cranky caffeine-deprived, mess-hating dh on my hands). I think it was the straw that broke the camels back after having so many consecutive caking weekends.

Also, while Ill agree that dhs choice of words was very poor (in terms of that was your last cake), I know that he was speaking irrationally out of frustration. From his perspective, I spend hours and hours working in the kitchen for people who would not spend as much working on something for me, and it is costing us money. I look at each project as a chance to improve my skills and evolve as an artist. I love the design phase, the CC research for technique, and the actual decorating. He doesnt understand that. Dh does make a good living, but I have invested a good amount of money into supplies over the past couple of years since Ive been caking (and since Im not selling, we have not recouped any of it). He doesnt see it as an investment though because I dont think he really thinks this is a viable business option for me (at least now) because of the amount of time I spend on each cake.

There was a lot of focus in some of the posts about my marriage being more important than caking. We have a good marriage and I would never jeopardize that. Dh is a good husband, is very involved with the kids, and he generally supports me (he has even me out on a few cakes) and has watched the kids plenty, but he wants weekends to be about family and I respect that..

I have made a total of 20 cakes since starting out, and I can see clearly that Im evolving as an artist. If you look at my first cake (for my ds first bday), the powdered sugar on the overly-thick appliqués was showing! I also recently realized that my tiers were too shallow and since Ive discovered that, I feel that my cakes have moved to the next level. Im constantly awed looking at the artistry on this site, and I always want to learn new techniques. Caking provides me with a creative outlet and I know that I do need that.

I also believe that things unfold a certain way for a reason and if youre struggling with something, its time to re-evaluate. Im very grateful for the Dora cake because it has forced me to really take a good long look at where Im at. Do I think Im ready to jump into business? Nope. My kids are still too young for me to consider starting up a business and I feel Im still working on basics. Do I need to streamline and find quicker ways to do things? Absolutely! When I think about how long it takes me to smooth my SMBC, it makes me cringe. This may be because of the recipe Im using, or the way Im whipping it up thats causing bubbles, but the only way to tell for sure is to practice. If Im doing cakes every three months or so instead of at least once a month, its going to take me much longer to improve.

I will not take on any more cakes for the next little while, just to give dh a break from having to hear about and deal with my caking. I have decided that the next few months are going to be about trying to complete things faster (any time-saving tips welcome!!) as that seems to be my biggest challenge with caking.

I love the dummy-cake idea and I did recently order dummies to practice on.

Thank you all for your input this was not an easy weekend for me, but Im grateful for it.

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adventuregal Posted 7 Dec 2010 , 2:36am
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I haven't had time to go through all the replies so I'm writing this after reading the OP...is there any way you could kind of bargain with him? Maybe you could tell him that you will work on re organizing your time to get things done faster and more efficient. If that doesn't work maybe you two can look at the problem again. From your OP it seems like you could probably make better use of your cake time (I know I could in the beginning!)
Set a schedule, try freezing your cakes, find simpler recipes, do gumpaste ahead of time, etc etc. The last tip I have which was huge for me is always clean as you go. You can avoid the huge mess at the end if you clean as you go. Good Luck!

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tsal Posted 7 Dec 2010 , 2:43am
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I forgot to say that I am going to try to do everything during the day when my housekeeper is here. She loves playing with ds so I think I'll take her up on her constant offers to play with him (for some reason I feel guilty handing him over) and see if I can do some work in that time.

Dh and I will have a talk when he returns from his trip. I doubt he'll have an issue with my caking as long as it's not too often on the weekend, and I charge people for supplies.

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sullymel13 Posted 7 Dec 2010 , 3:01am
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Glad to hear more of your story! It sounds like you really have thought this through, and everything you have come up with sounds very reasonable! I think we have all been in your shoes at one point! Sounds like you have a very reasonable husband too, and I am sure you will be making more of your awesome cakes again soon, but at a pace you all can be happy with. icon_smile.gif

Enjoy catching up on some rest and enjoying the holidays!

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cupadeecakes Posted 7 Dec 2010 , 3:30am
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It sounds like your husband may be feeling a bit like a "cake widower" - he may just be frustrated that he doesn't have your company as much as he used to. Have you ever considered involving him? Would he work with you? My DH helps me all the time and really enjoys it.

I now run a legal home kitchen, but I started out making cakes every weekend. At some point I knew I wanted to have my own business, but I also knew that didn't know everything I needed to know. So I got a job at a bakery making next to nothing. They worked me from 4am - 6pm 6 days a week, but in 8 months I had the skills (and still had the desire) to start my own business.

If taking care of the kids are keeping you from decorating during the day, maybe you should consider trading in the housekeeper for daycare? Ultimately, you know your situation better than any of us ever will and need to work out the best plan for everyone as a family.

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Justforfun751 Posted 7 Dec 2010 , 3:31am
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So glad to hear that you have got things worked out! It sounded like an everyone is tired type of situation when you first wrote. Glad you could come up with a compromise thumbs_up.gif

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mommynana Posted 7 Dec 2010 , 4:23am
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tsal just wanted to wish u good luck thumbs_up.gif

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Cricketina Posted 7 Dec 2010 , 5:02am
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Hi tsal

I agree with some of the posters about waiting to get serious till your small children are in school!

You could keep your skills fresh by making birthday and holiday cakes for your family...there is absolutely zero comparison between a cake or a family! ESP since your husband WANTS you to spend time with him! You have a short precious time in the early years of child hood and a strong loving marriage is something worth fighting for and not with a mixer or a spatula!

Since you can not afford child care or it would not even make sense to hire help because you do not make enough income...I would practice my craft like I said.. work on time management skills , watch free how to decorating you tube etc videos and go stronger when the kids are a lil older! A young marriage already has strains pick your battles not ev thing is worth fighting for!

I now have grown children I have been very happily married to my best friend husband 31 years...and while the children were small we both made sacrafices for the health of our family and I am so glad we did!

What is nice for you is that you do not have to work...I don't think?
That would be different you would have to work the hours you had to work! My poor daughter is 29 she has a 7 year old and a new baby on the way any day and she has to work at least 50 hrs a week hurting so bad right now 9 mo pregnant and you know how much she Would love to be in your shoes to be able to stay home!! And not have to leave a newborn all day till she gets off work! Her husband is college educated so is she but they have to have 2 full-time incomes in this economy right now to just make it...

I would choose my husband and my family ALWAYS first even over cakes..I am not saying quit I am saying hone your skills at party times for your family and after the little ones go to school YOU GO GIRL! And you will have about 6 hours 5 days a week at home alone to perfect your passion and your craft!
It will go by fast believe me! A lot of women have husbands that never want to spend times with them...and yours just wants more of you! And when you invest those hrs into you and him you will receive the best benefit of the whole situation! Good luck..sorry so wordy!

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cakesrock Posted 7 Dec 2010 , 5:12am
post #70 of 98

My story is eeirily similar. I totally get the creative expression thing and it's probably even a bit of an escape for you with 3 little kids! It's also very addictive. My DH refers to CC as "cake porn".
I was working 30 hours a week at a very busy, mngmt job and wanted to try doing cakes on the side to see if I could make a go of it. I also have 2 little kids. I was getting up at 4;00 am to do cakes before work and complaining that I was really burnt out. DH said the same thing in the end, "Well, you gave it a go, but it's not profitable, it's actually costing us, our children are being neglected and everyone you know gets nice, cheap cakes. Who's winning here?" It was hard to hear at first, but I knew it was true. I cut back and just do hobby cakes and everyone is happier...Your kids are only little once! You'll find that it's hard to back off at first, but once you do, you will get used to it. Cutting the time is tough, but my projects are a bit less ambitious these days. And I still manage to challenge myself with new things!

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Annabakescakes Posted 7 Dec 2010 , 9:32pm
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tiggy2

How do you figure DH is "carrying all the load without help"? OP is there all day, every day with the kids without help and isn't complaining. Why is it when men have to take care of the kids it's babysitting but when women do it it's being a mother? A marriage is a partnership not a dictatorship. If he wants to spend time with her he could try keeping her company in the kitchen instead of expecting her to sit by his side on the couch. I'd like to know how many loads of laundry and how many floors he scrubs a week if he's such a neat freak. Since when is everything the wifes job? Men seem to think being a wife and mother is so much easier then working a real job................give me a break. Yeah this a hot spot with me.




(STANDING OVATION)!!!! thumbs_up.gifthumbs_up.gifthumbs_up.gifthumbs_up.gifthumbs_up.gifthumbs_up.gif

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kimmerly1966 Posted 7 Dec 2010 , 11:39pm
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Maybe you should ask people to pay a little something, i do my grand kids and a few friends cakes for free but am getting a lot of referrals, and charge for those cakes, maybe if you were getting a little something he would be more apt to let you keep caking!

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tiggy2 Posted 7 Dec 2010 , 11:51pm
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Quote:
Originally Posted by kimmerly1966

Maybe you should ask people to pay a little something, i do my grand kids and a few friends cakes for free but am getting a lot of referrals, and charge for those cakes, maybe if you were getting a little something he would be more apt to let you keep caking!



Let you keep caking icon_eek.gificon_eek.gificon_eek.gificon_eek.gif I suppose he let's her fix the coffee every night before she goes to bed so it's ready for him the next morning and he let's her wash his clothes and cook his meals. I don't know about the rest of the women in the world but I don't ask my DH what hobbies he will "let" me do and I don't expect him to ask me hobbies I will "let" him do. I can't believe how many on this board have to get permission to do something they enjoy or there better half tells them they can't do it.

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madgeowens Posted 7 Dec 2010 , 11:58pm
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Maybe the husband works and brings home the money that pays for the hobby Tiggy?

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costumeczar Posted 8 Dec 2010 , 12:15am
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Quote:
Originally Posted by madgeowens

Maybe the husband works and brings home the money that pays for the hobby Tiggy?




Well, if he says that he's earning all the money so he gets to decide how to spend every penny, she should give him a bill for the childcare, housekeeping, chauffeur, cook, etc services that she's providing for the family while he's at work. Because we know that women don't do anything all day but sit around and eat bonbons while sponging off their husbands. icon_rolleyes.gif

It sounds like the OP clarified that her husband isn't a male chauvanist, and that she's figured out what she's going to do. I hope that it works out.

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costumeczar Posted 8 Dec 2010 , 12:17am
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Hey Tiggy, want to come over and eat some bonbons? icon_wink.gif

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Adevag Posted 8 Dec 2010 , 12:45am
post #77 of 98
Quote:
Originally Posted by costumeczar

Quote:
Originally Posted by madgeowens

Maybe the husband works and brings home the money that pays for the hobby Tiggy?



Well, if he says that he's earning all the money so he gets to decide how to spend every penny, she should give him a bill for the childcare, housekeeping, chauffeur, cook, etc services that she's providing for the family while he's at work. Because we know that women don't do anything all day but sit around and eat bonbons while sponging off their husbands. icon_rolleyes.gif

It sounds like the OP clarified that her husband isn't a male chauvanist, and that she's figured out what she's going to do. I hope that it works out.




Exactly, because if it was not for Tsal staying at home and through hard work give care for their children, then he would not be able to work and make money any way. (not towards Tsal at all, just towards the comment that "husband works and brings home the money...")

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tiggy2 Posted 8 Dec 2010 , 12:47am
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Be right over costume!

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costumeczar Posted 8 Dec 2010 , 1:47am
post #79 of 98
Quote:
Originally Posted by tiggy2

Be right over costume!




The bonbons are ready!

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Coral3 Posted 8 Dec 2010 , 2:45am
post #80 of 98

...did somebody say 'Bonbons'!?

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CakeDiva101 Posted 8 Dec 2010 , 2:58am
post #81 of 98
Quote:
Originally Posted by costumeczar

Quote:
Originally Posted by tiggy2

Be right over costume!



The bonbons are ready!





Where are the bonbons????? Can I come over too? Pretty Please??? icon_biggrin.gif

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eieio1234 Posted 8 Dec 2010 , 3:24am
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tiggy2


Let you keep caking icon_eek.gificon_eek.gificon_eek.gificon_eek.gif I suppose he let's her fix the coffee every night before she goes to bed so it's ready for him the next morning and he let's her wash his clothes and cook his meals. I don't know about the rest of the women in the world but I don't ask my DH what hobbies he will "let" me do and I don't expect him to ask me hobbies I will "let" him do. I can't believe how many on this board have to get permission to do something they enjoy or there better half tells them they can't do it.




I think this topic has really gotten offtrack the last couple of pages. Some of the wording is being taken so literally when it's not even necessarily what the posters mean. It's hard to determine exactly what someone means when it's been typed. It's not helpful to anyone for this thread to turn into an argument.

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indydebi Posted 8 Dec 2010 , 3:30am
post #83 of 98

can I come if I bring my friend, Bob? Bob Mondavi? (His real name is Robert, but we're such good pals, I just call him "Bob"!)

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costumeczar Posted 8 Dec 2010 , 11:52am
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Bonbon party at my house, my friends Johnny Walker and Jack Daniels will also be coming. Sam might be coming too...Sam Adams, and he'll bring his friend Jose Cuervo.

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CakeDiva101 Posted 8 Dec 2010 , 1:11pm
post #85 of 98
Quote:
Originally Posted by costumeczar

Bonbon party at my house, my friends Johnny Walker and Jack Daniels will also be coming. Sam might be coming too...Sam Adams, and he'll bring his friend Jose Cuervo.




My kind of party! I will be right over! I'll stop at Tsal's place and pick her up first. She can use some chocolate and alcohol icon_biggrin.gif. thumbs_up.gif

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tryingcake Posted 8 Dec 2010 , 2:50pm
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My answer was simply I don't choose to be a couch potato. I never have. If I weren't doing this I'd be doing something else. Period, end of story (on days I don't have cakes - I actually am doing something else). If you (talking to my spouse) want to be a couch potato go for it. I don't resent you for it. Please don't resent me for not wanting that. I enjoy staying busy. I do make a point of watching a certain show with my family each week. I honestly could care less about it. But it's important to the household. So I make that commitment and smile. Who cares if you are slow? You are earning zero sitting ion the couch..... why not earn a little by getting up and moving?

I agree with him on the can't afford to give them away free. I always charge at least cost - even to family. Think about this.... you do a wedding cake for a family member. Let's say you could charge even as little as $300 to anyone else. How many other people are giving a $300 gift? Same for the birthday cakes. It sounds like you are making more than a Costco Dora cake. So, let's say your cake retails at $50, maybe $75... how many other people are giving a minimum $50 gift? It's not just cake. It's saving the party thrower a ton of money. If you want to "gift" your time, go for it. But don't take money from your family to do this. Every cake you make for free is taking something from your kids. And honestly, I even charge for my time. If it's taking me away from my family for even one minute - I better be getting paid for it. I usually charge cost x 2 to family and certain friends. They are still saving a ton but I'm not taking anything from my family to do so.

God luck!

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Christina1207 Posted 8 Dec 2010 , 4:08pm
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Okay I didn't read all the replies. But i can understand having the kids under foot and trying to make cakes.
What I found useful when my two boys are home during school vacation or the weekend. I have them help me adding color to the icing or fondant. It keeps them from fighting or destroying the house. If it's nice out I kick them outside into the backyard (yes it's fenced in). Also I get hubby to help out to when it comes to something that would include sugar work. He loves working with sugar.
I have a small kitchen with one oven so I can feel your pain of trying to make a cake with a bunch of layers. What i usually do is bake the cakes in one day and while each layer spend some time with the kids and hubby. That way your not trying to do everything in one day.
I would sit down with your hubby and talk to him and explain to him that you like doing cakes but I agree don't give them away.
I made cakes for friends and I asked them just to cover the cost of the ingredients and supplies no time including. That way you can get partice and still not lose a bunch of money on a hobby

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kimmerly1966 Posted 8 Dec 2010 , 4:22pm
post #88 of 98
Quote:
Originally Posted by madgeowens

Maybe the husband works and brings home the money that pays for the hobby Tiggy?




I don't disagree, i wouldn't be with someone that i had to ask if i could have a hobby etc, even if he brings in the money, but to me it sounded like it was too much money and time etc, just giving her some suggestions, i dont think anyone should do it for free regardless but i wasn't trying to start a argument on womans rights either LOL

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lkoenig07 Posted 18 Dec 2010 , 5:20pm
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I have 3 kids - 2 1/2 year old twins & a 2 month old and I work from home. My husband is very supportive, and I am usually pretty quick with my cakes - sometimes doing 3 in a weekend. I think I wouldn't be able to do as much if I didn't have so much help from my hubby though, playing with the kids while I am working sometimes at night. I try my best to get as much work done as I can during the day, and if my cake involves cutting out fondant pieces, I do that either earlier in the week or while I'm sitting with him. I also have my kids play downstairs in the next room over so I can watch the & bake at the same time. Maybe you could have them coloring or something while you are baking?

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cabecakes Posted 18 Dec 2010 , 6:21pm
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Just a side note, when a person gets no sleep they get grumpy and irritable. I say this from experience. I would put so much of myself into trying to make cakes (I'm not so good at it), and I would get so irritated because I couldn't make it look like it did in my head, my DH would get upset with me. I was being unreasonable to think that I could work a full-time job, raise two kids, run a household and still be a loving wife with taking on so many cakes. It was also killing us financially as I was doing them for free. I even started charging for just ingredients, so even though it helped financially, I still was taking on too many cakes. I just do an occasional cake now, but I want to do more. I don't want to give it up completely, because I really want to see if I can get better at it. My DH would never ask me to give it up, he knows how much I love doing it. But he hated how upset I got with myself (mostly during one of those lack of sleep times). So we compromised. I now only do it occasionally. I am still learning about cakes and I still have my sanity. And the whole family has peace. It's all about compromise, find something that works out for everyone in the family. Let the little ones help (so to speak). Give them some fondant to shape or roll out or a cupcake to decorate with an icing bag. Maybe they will develop a joy for it as much as you. Quality time with family plus you get to cake. As far as the mess...I'm sorry...but life is not all neat and tidy 24/7. Especially when you have children. If he hates the mess so bad, let him get off the couch and help clean it up. If you are already in the kitchen...there you go...quality time...something you are doing together. I hate when men think they can work their 8 hour shift and come home and plop on the couch. I work my 8 hour shift and do I get to come home and plop on the couch...no. And my husband does help me.

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