My Husband Tried To Choke Me This Morning...

Lounge By cantbelieveit Updated 5 Dec 2010 , 7:34am by cheatize

cantbelieveit Posted 30 Nov 2010 , 2:38pm
post #1 of 30

Over the last few weeks I have been very very stressed and frustrated. And I had been yelling at my family, particularly my children and I couldn't figure out why I was so angry at them or others. So finally, this weekend I took a step back and tried to just analyze myself and get to root of what was going on inside me and I sought the help of a professional counselor yesterday morning because I just desire to be a better person for my family.

Well, anyways, my husband found out because I had to use our joint account debit card. Last night he shunned me and didn't even speak to me. This morning, he started throwing my stuff (my phone and my laptop computer) around our bedroom. And when I told him to stop he grabbed me and started choking me in front of my children.

I had no choice but to fight him off. He told me he was going to take my children away from me at Christmas. I tried to explain to him that this counseling was not about him or anything he has done, but just about me and how I can step up my game and not feel so stressed and rundown all the time. I really don't know what to do right now. I had to take my kids to school and come to work and I don't know what my life will be like when I go home today. I don't have anyone/anywhere to turn right now because so many people think we are so happy and so many people think we have it all together and that he would never do anything like this. Even I'm shocked. I thought he would be supportive at the very least since he is always complaining about me having a bad attitude. You don't have to reply, I just needed to write this out so I can process it. I don't know how to explain this to my two year old and my four year old. I am just lost right now.

29 replies
GI Posted 30 Nov 2010 , 2:49pm
post #2 of 30

icon_smile.gif I'm so sorry you have to go thru this!!!
You need to get up from your job right now and go to the Police and file a complaint. Did he leave marks? they will take pictures for documentation. Document him choking you. document the whole story of what set him off, including your marriage counselor you went to. The judge will take this lodged complaint into consideration. His threats of taking away your kids are for intimidation. He's trying to intimidate you.

Don't let him get away with this abuse. Go document this with the police department immediately. He should not be alone with the children, either. He could harm the children.

Don't wait. Go do it. Now.

-K8memphis Posted 30 Nov 2010 , 2:49pm
post #3 of 30

You need to call the police and file on that nothing doubting--that's assault--that's crossing the line--in front of the kids. Ugh uh.
It's important. It's another first step. Huge wake up call for everyone. Do it.

Good that you are in therapy --that's another good first step.

Don't yell at your kids one more time. Not once more. Done with that. Over.

Keep going taking careful baby steps forward

-K8memphis Posted 30 Nov 2010 , 2:58pm
post #4 of 30

Something real important is to eff what 'people think'. It's not a consideration in how to proceed. Don't let it inhibit you from proceeding toward safety and toward nurturing of the kids and toward the ER for your marriage. You all are hemorrhaging dangerously and you all need first aid stat.

You all are increasing the heat in a locked pressure cooker and that needs to stop. Screw what people think--not a factor here. Time to man up and own it and let the chips start falling.

You should call your therapist too--they are there to help you--this is real important--don't back down now. Explain what happened so they understand that he is attacking your attempt at healing.

You are making progress. Keep going.

GI Posted 30 Nov 2010 , 3:00pm
post #5 of 30

I do agree with K8 -- when the kids are being cranky, stop, take a breath....count to 10. Look at them with adoring eyes....these little ones are your babies.....they need their mommy. figure out what it is that is making them cranky. Hungry? Tired? Cold?

Take a step to their needs without raising your voice. Don't do it not one more time. Paste a smile on your face even if you don't feel like it.

Even get a silly with them, playing. they'll wonder what you're up to!

And kick the loser out of the house, filing this abuse complaint, and get on with it!

cheatize Posted 30 Nov 2010 , 3:08pm
post #6 of 30
Originally Posted by GI

icon_smile.gif I'm so sorry you have to go thru this!!!
You need to get up from your job right now and go to the Police and file a complaint. Did he leave marks? they will take pictures for documentation. Document him choking you. document the whole story of what set him off, including your marriage counselor you went to. The judge will take this lodged complaint into consideration. His threats of taking away your kids are for intimidation. He's trying to intimidate you.

Don't let him get away with this abuse. Go document this with the police department immediately. He should not be alone with the children, either. He could harm the children.

Don't wait. Go do it. Now.

This, do this. Get a plan in place NOW. Call in your posse and get moving on it.

-K8memphis Posted 30 Nov 2010 , 3:16pm
post #7 of 30

Is there someone at work or church or in the family or your boss or your neighbor that will come by your side a little bit? At least so you can call 911? If you have a church or whatever place of worship--one of the leaders there would help.

Isolation is a hallmark of abuse. Keep walking forward--don't slide back.

midwestmommy Posted 30 Nov 2010 , 3:34pm
post #8 of 30

You wnet to work because youa re in shock. You dont know what to do so you are following the normal routine. Your body is there, your mind is elsewhere.

your husband got upset bec YOU went to counseling? I would wonder some he thinking you are having an affair? Has he been abusive in the past? (verbal counts..its how it starts) Why did he throw your phone? what is he afraid is on there? Why have you been crabby? Is he constantly on you and berating you?

First, I would take a break (at work now) and put an emergency call into the therapist and tell her/him what transpired. The phone service or ofice will patch you through if you tell them you has a violent attack on you last night.

Can you talk to your boss and just mention that there was a family 'thing' that is weighing on you and you need to make some calls. If they see you teary eyed after the calls they will probably think there is an ill family member..dont worry about it.

If you call the police, it isnt going to just be on file for a complaint. They wil haul him off. I am NOT excusing or dismissing what he did. But they will NOT just 'make note' of it. Not saying you should not call, just know this.

Before you call the police, you might call a womens shelter or task force on demstic violence and get advice.

Thses are some things you need to do:

Pack a bag of essentials for you and each child in case you EVER need to flee.Keep the tank full. Have a safe haven..friend, relative, shelter, etc. Put cash, spare keys, ids, phone numbers, and important documents in a safe place that you can access 24 hrs (a friends home, etc.). A safe box at a bank wont help in the middle of the night.

If you fear for your lives...go to the police NOW.

Where are your kids while you are at work?

Dont be ashamed.
We often fell ashamed for having chosen this person who harms us.

midwestmommy Posted 30 Nov 2010 , 3:39pm
post #9 of 30

Also...calling the police is great advice. But if they haul him off, he will eventually be back. You need GOOD SOLID ADVICE and thats why you should contact a women's shelter.

When they take him away, you may be able to get a temp or perm restraining order against him. If he isnt sfraid to abuse you, he likely isnt afraid to violate court orders to keep you safe.

You really need to have your ducks in a row.
THink as clearly as you can and think AHEAD.

-K8memphis Posted 30 Nov 2010 , 3:40pm
post #10 of 30

And I'm proud of us for presenting our best face here and providing a bash free thread
of cake buddy concern.

No Bashing Allowed Please.

Family In Crisis.

-K8memphis Posted 30 Nov 2010 , 3:45pm
post #11 of 30

I'm glad you reached out. Just take it one step at a time.

Please talk to us--are the police on the way?

indydebi Posted 30 Nov 2010 , 3:52pm
post #12 of 30

I am crying as I write this because it's literally a "been there....survived that" moment for me. He had his hands around my throat, I was bent backwards over the sink with my vision fading to black before I managed to get away.

And trust me ..... not "everyone" thinks you are "so happy". My biggest point of realization was when I began admitting the truth to family and friends and I found out that most responses were "it's about time!" They all knew.


I say you will be VERY surprised at the help and support you have out there .... they are probably waiting for you to "see the light" and ask for their help.

Darlin' please ..... this is only the tip of the iceberg. I'm not talking in an abstract here. I've been thru it. The choking me wasn't the worst of it. Don't wait for him to fire the gun at you before you wake up. (Yep, really happened. And he said, "I aimed it over your head on purpose and you're not hurt so what are you b*tchin' about?" over my head? It went into the wall about a foot over my head.)

Please. There is help out there. You are NOT alone. I promise.

softwarespecialist Posted 30 Nov 2010 , 5:02pm
post #13 of 30

I wish I was near you so I could give you a big hug.
You do not realize how strong you can be and what you are capable of.
You saw a problem and you took the hardest first step!

Please, Please, Please do not allow anyone to abuse you. Physically, mentally or emotionally. You must protect yourself and your children.
If nothing else there is emotional abuse toward your children. They are defenseless, they need you to keep them safe.
You must file a police report in order to have documentation in case you need it.

Please contact your therepist they can direct you to support systems.

Be strong you can do it.

We are here for you!!

cheatize Posted 1 Dec 2010 , 3:03am
post #14 of 30

I just wanted you to know I'm thinking about you tonight. Be safe and keep the kiddos safe. Be a strong momma and do what you need to do.

-K8memphis Posted 1 Dec 2010 , 5:10pm
post #15 of 30

How you all doing?

Shelle_75 Posted 1 Dec 2010 , 6:30pm
post #16 of 30

Thumbs up to what all my cake buddies have already said. Prayers and support coming your way.

Rachel5370 Posted 1 Dec 2010 , 11:46pm
post #17 of 30

I witnessed my father breaking my mother's nose when I was four years old. It is burned in my brain like a movie. I vividly remember blood spattering all over the bedspread- it was right at my eye level. They were already divorced at the time. He has since gone to counseling and has tried from time to time to establish a relationship with me. I am still struggling with trust and forgiveness at age 40. That one event had more impact on my life and relationships than I can even express. I say this only because sometimes it's hard to take action for our own preservation and well being. But any mom can spring into action when she knows her kids are in danger. The emotional and physical well being of your children is most definitely at stake!!!! Protect them at all costs- it's your first duty as a mother. Just get out, get safe and figure out the rest later. I will be praying for you and any others in the same situation. I saw it as a child and watched my best friend go through it too. There is no way you have to put up with that and you don't deserve it. Your children deserve to feel safe, and trust me, right now they don't! They are too little to express it right now, but please save them a lifetime of heartache- and GET OUT AND GET SAFE! May you feel God's love and know you are a valuable and precious person.

JulieMN Posted 2 Dec 2010 , 12:30am
post #18 of 30

You are in my thoughts and prayers as you begin to take the needed steps to protect your children and yourself.

cakesbycathy Posted 2 Dec 2010 , 12:43am
post #19 of 30

If someone hears from the OP (maybe thru a pm) could they let us know? It worries me that she hasn't come back to give an update (although given everything she has going on it's not a surprising.)

Adevag Posted 2 Dec 2010 , 1:39am
post #20 of 30
Originally Posted by cakesbycathy

If someone hears from the OP (maybe thru a pm) could they let us know? It worries me that she hasn't come back to give an update (although given everything she has going on it's not a surprising.)

My thoughts while reading this post as well.

From the information you gave us, it makes no sense that your counseling really is the reason your husband got so angry. I'm wondering if it's from something else.

It's scary to read and I hope you are safe. Please, if you have time, give us an update!

-K8memphis Posted 2 Dec 2010 , 3:46pm
post #21 of 30

It was really good for you to put this all in writing--I hope you are all continuing to start to find the way out.

If you guys are not owning your actions, but stuffing them--you all are in much danger.

It's like an ant hill that's just quietly swelling the earth but the activity within is going to break through and bite again.

Keep breaking free and be safe. I won't forget about you.


edited to say--

Nobody can do it for you.

cantbelieveit Posted 3 Dec 2010 , 6:30pm
post #22 of 30

Hi. I just wanted to say thanks for all the support. I know you don't know me. But I really appreciate your kind words of encouragement.

I was almost going to just go about my normal routines and act like this ordeal never happened. However, when I asked him about it the next day, he said that it was my fault, because I betrayed him and went to a counselor and did not tell him about it. He then told my children that he was just "playing". And has been buying them things since the day after all this took place. Then I started thinking about all the things that have transpired over the years that have led up to this point and doing reading on domestic violence and abuse personalities. I now know that he is angry because he probably figured out that the wool would eventually be pulled and someone would finally know the person he really is when the lights are off.

My daughter told her teachers at school but they have not talked to me about it. They just keep looking at me in amazement because from the outside, he looks squeaky clean.

Currently, our living arrangment is in separate rooms all the time. He is looking for an apartment and I am scheduling a meeting with an attorney because I know he is going to try to take my children away.

To this day, my body including my neck and throat hurt. In addition, my lower back and hips are in pain from having to kick him off me. I took photos of the bruises and wrote the events down on paper along with things that have happened in the past that I have ignored or put behind me. But I have to tread lightly right now, because I never put together a plan B and I have cake clients waiting on me right now. I hope you all understand. I don't mean to disappoint you or sound weak by moving on these things so slowly, but I never imagined this. Never.

I have not yet told anyone in my family or any of my friends because it is just too much right now. I will probably forgo speaking to them or seeing them for a while and I probably won't be logging in again anytime soon. But please pray for me. This by far feels like someone I love has died and I am truly broken.

-K8memphis Posted 3 Dec 2010 , 7:52pm
post #23 of 30

Isolation is an abuser's best friend.

Praying for all of you.

Get those kids to safety.

indydebi Posted 3 Dec 2010 , 8:56pm
post #24 of 30
Originally Posted by -K8memphis

Isolation is an abuser's best friend.

And your best friend probably knows. She's waiting for you to ask for her help because she doesnt' want to "interfere". You are not alone. Really. You're not. There's more support out there than you think.

We'll all praying and thinking of you daily.

Texas_Rose Posted 3 Dec 2010 , 9:15pm
post #25 of 30

Cake is not a matter of life or death, and your safety and your children's safety may be. If things escalate suddenly and you need to take your kids and get out, your cake orders shouldn't be the main thing on your mind. You should pack a bag with a change of clothes for everyone, paperwork like kids' birth certificates and some cash if possible, and just casually stash it in a closet, ready to grab and go if you need to leave. You should talk to a women's shelter in your area, even if you wouldn't need to stay there if you left...but because they can give you the best advice on what you need to do.

Don't avoid your friends and family. What happened to you isn't your fault. It's not as uncommon as you might think. Your husband is blaming you and trying to turn your children against need the support of family and friends.

cakesbycathy Posted 3 Dec 2010 , 9:35pm
post #26 of 30

If this was your daughter what would you want her to do?

Would you want her to hide and still be abused or would you want her to come to you for help?

PLEASE as soon as your husband leaves the house: pack a bag for you and the kids, grab your children and LEAVE. Go to the police and get a restraining order and then go to a friend or family members house.
In your heart I bet you can think of at least one person you know WILL believe you and help.

Hugs to you.

funcakes Posted 4 Dec 2010 , 4:31am
post #27 of 30

"my daughter told her teacher. The teachers are looking at me in amazement"

Maybe the teachers are looking at you and waiting for you to say something so they can advise you how to take advantage of the available services in the community. The guidance counselor is there to help families. If your daughter told the teacher she was in the home, heard or saw any of this-they are mandated reporters and they would have had to make a call on her behalf to child services, or risked being fined or jailed. The ball is already rolling, get your things together and get out. See if child protective services can help with advice and free therapy for your daughter. Seeing violence against a parent IS child abuse. Report it! He will have a hard time getting custody or unsupervised visitation. The more people know of this the safer you are. Talk, talk, talk!

jo_ann Posted 4 Dec 2010 , 5:07am
post #28 of 30

I really want you and your CHILDREN to be safe. I want to let you know that I have been there. Not with young children, but with the abuse. People know, surprisingly for me it was my father in law who stepped in and helped me.

But the bottom line is you need to talk, don't keep this a secret.

Believe me when I tell you that he will use anything he can against you in court. The more documentation you have against him the better.

Do what you need to do to ensure your children and your safety.

MissBlu Posted 5 Dec 2010 , 3:01am
post #29 of 30

My heart and prayers go out to you and your family.

I agree with previous posters.

Danny Bonaduce always quotes Dr. Phill, "Kids would rather be from a broken home then to live in one."

Let the abuse be life changing, not life ending. Plans never turn out exactly as envisioned so please take the steps to ensure your safety and a safe future for the kids.

cheatize Posted 5 Dec 2010 , 7:34am
post #30 of 30

I'm not going to argue with you. The last thing you need is to feel like yet another person is trying to control you. Stay safe, be strong, get out as soon as possible. Know that the riskiest time is right after you leave.

Several times a day, I pray for you and the kids. May my prayers grow wings to lift you to safety and eventually to happiness like you have never known.

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