Off The Bus In 20 Mins....

Lounge By daltonam Updated 3 Nov 2010 , 5:48pm by Texas_Rose

daltonam Posted 2 Nov 2010 , 6:44pm
post #1 of 11

My daughter (age 10) gets off the bus in about 20 mins. I have to figure out how to talk to her about her best friend's mom getting killed last night in a car crash. I don't know yet if the school/teachers made an announcement (little girl's step-dad is a teacher at the same school) or if I'm going to have to tell her myself. It's not gonna help that I've been crying off & on since I heard.

Thanks for "listening".

10 replies
TexasSugar Posted 2 Nov 2010 , 6:48pm
post #2 of 11

*HUGS*

daltonam Posted 2 Nov 2010 , 8:26pm
post #3 of 11

Thanks. I could tell she didn't know & I still haven't told her. Hubby told me to wait, so I'm gonna wait on him to get home.

TexasSugar Posted 2 Nov 2010 , 8:44pm
post #4 of 11

That sounds like a good plan. I'll be keeping ya'll in my thoughts.

-K8memphis Posted 2 Nov 2010 , 10:35pm
post #5 of 11

Oh me too. So sorry to hear that.

daltonam Posted 3 Nov 2010 , 3:05pm
post #6 of 11

I suppose I just GUESSED she didn't know. Not even 5 minutes after I posted that she didn't she walked into my room & told me. We talked a little last night, prayed for her friend, her family & her little brother that is in the hospital b/c of the wreck. This morning she brought it up again, told me that her friend was gonna have to live with her stepdad & she didn't like him much. It's possible that the little girl's real dad will want the girls to come live with him, which means moving out of town. It's going to be hard to understand, even so very much harder on the actual family that's going through this. All I can think about is having to be without your Mom. I'm also selfish b/c I'm worried about my daughter being heartbroken too (how horrible is that). One step at a time, nothing has been posted about arrangements & I'm not sure if I want to let my daughter go to a viewing (visitation) or a funeral when it's not her own family???

Thanks guys so much. It's amazing how just typing (or talking) to someone helps.

-K8memphis Posted 3 Nov 2010 , 3:19pm
post #7 of 11

I understand about your hesitation to let your little girl attend the viewing.

If it was me I would take her and let her experience as much as she is able to absorb which probably would be everything. Would perhaps be a blessing to her friend. I think they need each other in some way.

Maybe they would just adjourn themselves to the waiting room area where there often is snacks & drinks.

I think children are sheltered too much in these most serious areas. She's a strong and wonderful child. It's part of life. Unrelenting loss is something we unfortunately need to learn.

Idea--if you decide to shelter her and nothing wrong with that perhaps make a time to take her & her grief stricken little friend out to lunch or something so they can be together mourn together in their own way. Or maybe you & her could make some cookies to take.

Really difficult circumstances--praying for all concerned.

daltonam Posted 3 Nov 2010 , 3:44pm
post #8 of 11

thank you.

TexasSugar Posted 3 Nov 2010 , 4:06pm
post #9 of 11

For me, even as an adult the hardest part of the viewing is the actual viewing. But you can always take her and if she doesn't feel comfortable you can leave or she doesn't have to go into the actual room where it is taking place. As K8 said, the friend may like having her around.

As with the funeral, I would probably take her, if she wanted to go.

CakesByJen2 Posted 3 Nov 2010 , 5:46pm
post #10 of 11

I think it is best to let her decide whether to go or not. Explain to her what it will be like, that people will be upset and crying, etc., so she knows what to expect, give her your advice, but let her decide.

My daughter never had to deal with the loss of a person she was close to, but she has had to deal with the death of a beloved pet. We had a cat that we'd had for 6 years before we even had kids, so she had always been part of Caitlin's family. When Caitlin was 7 yo the cat developed a terminal illness and had reached the point that we could not let her suffer any more and had to put her to sleep.

I was a coward and made my husband take the cat to the vet, and Caitlin insisted that she wanted to go (we had already explained what was going to happen). I tried to talk her out of it, but she was ADAMANT. So I figured everyone handles crises and grief differently, so I had to trust her to know what she needed to do. So she went, with the intention of staying in the room the whole time. When it came down to it, though, she changed her mind and just stayed with Ally until it was time to give the drugs, and said goodbye. Then one of the techs to her to another room to visit some other animals. Then they brought her home and we buried her in the back yard. I think being able to say goodbye like that was important to her and helped her deal with it.

So let her decide, but also let her know it's okay to change her mind at any point, as well, and she doesn't need to do anything she's not comfortable with. If she doesn't want to go, then try to help her come up with alternative ways to show her friend comfort and support.

Texas_Rose Posted 3 Nov 2010 , 5:48pm
post #11 of 11

They may not have an open casket. Sometimes they don't. So the viewing may not be like you're thinking of.

I would let your daughter attend the viewing and the funeral. Let her be moral support to her friend, and let her say goodbye to a woman who was part of her life. Ten is old enough to understand.

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