Am I Wrong For This?

Lounge By torysgirl87 Updated 3 Sep 2010 , 4:26pm by torysgirl87

torysgirl87 Posted 1 Sep 2010 , 10:40pm
post #1 of 24

We (mom, aunt) are having a surprise appreciation celebration for my grandmother.

I drove around for 2 days looking for a nice yet affordable venue. I found one, designed and ordered invitations and banners. Per ma, today, she & auntie are discussing the menu and auntie says that she will have one of her friends make strawberry cakes. Auntie also wants me to act as though I'm throwing a get together for my parents anniversary and ask grandma to make coconut pies.

Now, I think it's tacky to ask someone to cook something that will be served at a special surprise party for them. But my real issue is I'm very mad, hurt, irritated, or something that my aunt wants to ask someone else to make cakes. First, I've done most of hte work thus far and no one discussed the menu with me. Of course, though, they will want me to cook whatever they decided on. Second and most importantly, CAKES ARE MY THING! Auntie especially knows this. She is always wanting me to make her a cake (and always at my own expense). Ma doesn't see anything wrong and thinks I'm being petty, selfish, a baby, something. I talked to Auntie about it and she said, "Well they are bundt cakes, not like yours." If someone else makes cakes, I do not want to make cakes! icon_evil.gif

I had something special in mind for my grandma and there won't be many ppl so I think all of the dessert will be too much and just be a waste of my time and resources. I asked DH was I being petty and he thought not. Doing desserts is very special to me and I just feel it was inconsiderate for them to do me like that.

Am I trippin?

23 replies
divinecc Posted 1 Sep 2010 , 10:55pm
post #2 of 24

I can see where you are coming from, I would be hurt too. It's insensitive of them to not consider your feelings, I guess they just don't get how much you love doing cakes. I think it's good you voiced your feelings so at least they know how you feel but I would just grit your teeth and move on, it's not worth stewing over. Next time your Aunt wants a cake tell her to ask her friend to do it! J/K icon_lol.gif

cownsj Posted 1 Sep 2010 , 11:00pm
post #3 of 24

My husband and I know EXACTLY how you feel. Each family thing, we get a call on who is bringing what and we always hear how someone else is bringing dessert. This really gets under our skin. I think most of the time they are just trying not to take advantage of us, but it hurts, and we always love to be able to try a new design. But, we always politely, but with determination, that will be taking care of cake, period. We are always nice and always polite, but we make sure they know that it is important for us to do the cake (and they always rave over it, so it's not that they don't like them), and we always do them.

Recently for my brothers 40th anniversary their kids were throwing them a surprise party. I found out a week before (I just hadn't picked up my mail), and offered to make them a wedding cake. No, a cake had been ordered. I asked if it was a wedding cake; no just a sheet cake. I reminded them that their parents had eloped and never had a wedding cake and that I thought they would really love to finally have a wedding cake. My nephew finally said, "are you sure?". After asking 8 times if I could, you would think he would know I was sure..... LOL Oh, and now could it have a brown derby filling. Of course it can. So now with a week to plan, make flowers, bake, decorate etc., I hang up the phone and am saying to myself "STUPID! STUPID! STUPID!". LMAO I really was, but I also REALLY wanted them to finally have a wedding cake.

I wasn't happy with the cake one bit, but they loved it. My brother and sister in law were besides themselves having a wedding cake, and did the whole bit of cutting it, feeding each other, rubbing on each others faces, and eating off each other. Everyone at the party loved it too, and I guess that was what mattered most.

Sorry for the rambling, but when we feel like you, we let them know, we want to do the cake, and we WILL be doing the cake. Very nice, very polite, but we won't be taking no for an answer.

Good luck, let us know how you make out. I think the party is very sweet. As for asking grandma to bake pies, I think it's ok. Does she make a dynamite pie that everyone would want? It's a good way to certainly throw her off track that she'd never suspect anything, and I bet she'd get a good laugh out of her unwitting participation.

patticake1951 Posted 1 Sep 2010 , 11:19pm
post #4 of 24

I think that would be cool and she would never guess it was for her.
We had my dd make a baby shower cake once and told her it was for someone at church. { this was years ago} when actually we were having a surprise shower for her. She loved it though!!

Ladiesofthehouse Posted 1 Sep 2010 , 11:44pm
post #5 of 24

I know exactly how you feel and I totally understand the hurt feelings. My sister and I were at a large dinner for our husband's business partners. We were sitting at the table bored while the husbands were talking with vendors so she showed me the pictures on her phone.

Imagine my surprise when a big birthday cake scrolls by. I said WAIT--I want to see that one. She gave me an elbow and tried to go past it but I took the phone from her and found the picture. It said Happy Birthday and her name--duh, it was her birthday cake.

I asked why she didn't let me make the cake!! She always loves my cakes.

She gave some lame excuse about not wanting to have to order ahead of time since I only do custom work, blah, blah, blah.

Yeah, my feelings were hurt all right and next time they need a cake I do believe my kitchen will be closed up tight.

It only made me feel a teensy bit better when her husband told me later that they threw quite a bit of it away because they have gotten used to my cakes and that one wasn't very good icon_razz.gif

thefancyladygourmet Posted 2 Sep 2010 , 12:08am
post #6 of 24

i dont think your wrong at all for being mad i would and thats so rude to ask her to make the cakes for her own party. Ive had a few times i was very insulted by friends and family not asking me and going somewhere else

giggysmack Posted 2 Sep 2010 , 12:14am
post #7 of 24

Make what you want anyway!!!! Just wow the hell out of them!

Jen80 Posted 2 Sep 2010 , 12:30am
post #8 of 24

What if you ask your grandma to teach you how to make the Coconut pies and then make them yourself for the party. That way you'll be making something you know she enjoys and taking the load off her.

If I was Grandma I would be peeved to find out that I had gone to all that trouble for my own surprise party and to be tricked into doing it too...and lied to.

myslady Posted 2 Sep 2010 , 12:57am
post #9 of 24

What about using dummies, that way you will still get to do a cake.

I for one don't feel that I have to provide cakes for my family events.

justducky Posted 2 Sep 2010 , 1:03am
post #10 of 24

Since this is very important to you, go back to Auntie and explain how much it means to you to be able to do this for your grandma. When it comes to grammies, we don't get do overs.

cownsj Posted 2 Sep 2010 , 1:35am
post #11 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by justducky

When it comes to grammies, we don't get do overs.




Oh boy, you couldn't be more right. I'll give you an example. A friend of my husband's from hs saw pictures of his cakes and were very impressed. She's lives out west and couldn't get her for her grandmother's 101st. So she asked my husband if he would do a special cake for her and deliver to her grandmother and tell her how much she loves her and wanted her to have a very special cake. Grandma was bedridden, but we were brought in and introduced to her. When she saw the cake, her whole face lit up and you could see her love and pride in her granddaughter's gift. She passed away 2 months later. But her granddaughter was still able to do something special from so far away. It was her last chance to do so, and I know how much it meant to her grandmother, and to her as well.

I like the idea of asking your grandmother to teach you how to make the pies. thumbs_up.gifthumbs_up.gifthumbs_up.gif That would be such a wonderful time spent together and you'd now be able to make her pies for one and all anytime. I think that would be a very special day for you both.

costumeczar Posted 2 Sep 2010 , 1:37am
post #12 of 24

Tell your Aunt that you're doing the cake and that you won't ask your grandmother to make a pie for her own party. Also tell her that she's welcome to have her friend (who's not a family member I assume) make a cake too, but as long as you're the one who's going to be expected to do all the cooking, you'll also be doing all of the presentation, and the extra cake will be waiting in the kitchen in case it's needed.

I will add that I think there's a lot of whining about "they didn't ask me to do the cake" from people who seem to think that they should be invited to do every cake for every occasion and are offended when they're not, but in this case if it's your grandma, and you're doing the bulk of the work, you get a vote too. Just speak up!

noahsmummy Posted 2 Sep 2010 , 1:50am
post #13 of 24

ahhh families hey!

i have the same issues. we had a combined going away/omas birthday family do not too long ago. now i had decided long ago what i was doing for my sisters going away cake, and noone was going to stop me making it. NO ONE!. anyway, then i thought it would be rude for me to make a cake for my sister and not my oma (right??) so i decided to make 2. only to get a phone call from a certain family meber telling me if i had to bring a cake, to make them small, because they were ordering cheesecake and pavlova too. ok im thinking.. whatever, im not happy about this seeing as everyone knows ive been wanting to do this cake.. oh and then theres the fact that there are 18 grandchildren plus all the adults.. so um.. too much cake isnt going to be an issue. get there.. and wow.. look at how much cheesecake and pav there is! =/ haha.. it was half a cheesecake and half a pav (and anway, if i do say so myself, my cheesecakes are 20x better than the one(or half) there...haha).

and then me cakes got scoffed down. with people asking for more "bus cake"=D. but it ran out.. because i made it small...

so, the point to my rantings is, stand up for yourself, and if you wanna make a cake, THEN MAKE THE CAKE =D screw them. whats the worst thats going to happen? there will be left over cake and people will have to bring a slice home with them? oh boy im sure people will HATE to do that...lol

tesso Posted 2 Sep 2010 , 5:54am
post #14 of 24

If it is all about you wanting to make something special for your granny.. then I say make her a special small cake that you can take to her the next day that you can both enjoy over a cup of tea, while you let her tell you all about what happened at the party the night before. (it doesnt matter that you were there and witnessed it all yourself)

There is one thing I have learned about grannies, They love to rehash everything. It will mean more to her and you, if you show up the next day for a little one on one time with her and let her talk about how much she enjoyed the family, food, while eating your special cake and drinking a cup of coffee or tea. that is how you make a memory that will last a lifetime.

Texas_Rose Posted 2 Sep 2010 , 11:33am
post #15 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by costumeczar

Tell your Aunt that you're doing the cake and that you won't ask your grandmother to make a pie for her own party. Also tell her that she's welcome to have her friend (who's not a family member I assume) make a cake too, but as long as you're the one who's going to be expected to do all the cooking, you'll also be doing all of the presentation, and the extra cake will be waiting in the kitchen in case it's needed.

I will add that I think there's a lot of whining about "they didn't ask me to do the cake" from people who seem to think that they should be invited to do every cake for every occasion and are offended when they're not, but in this case if it's your grandma, and you're doing the bulk of the work, you get a vote too. Just speak up!




This is great advice! thumbs_up.gif

costumeczar Posted 2 Sep 2010 , 11:35am
post #16 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by Texas_Rose

Quote:
Originally Posted by costumeczar

Tell your Aunt that you're doing the cake and that you won't ask your grandmother to make a pie for her own party. Also tell her that she's welcome to have her friend (who's not a family member I assume) make a cake too, but as long as you're the one who's going to be expected to do all the cooking, you'll also be doing all of the presentation, and the extra cake will be waiting in the kitchen in case it's needed.

I will add that I think there's a lot of whining about "they didn't ask me to do the cake" from people who seem to think that they should be invited to do every cake for every occasion and are offended when they're not, but in this case if it's your grandma, and you're doing the bulk of the work, you get a vote too. Just speak up!



This is great advice! thumbs_up.gif




Why thank you!

torysgirl87 Posted 2 Sep 2010 , 1:24pm
post #17 of 24

Thanks for all of the replies. My mother always tries to make me feel guilty when I don't do things her way, so I was wondering if I was being unreasonable. I don't have a problem speaking up for myself; when I did I was accused of causing a rift. This is likely b/c someone lied. When I asked auntie about her friend (not family member) making the cakes she claimed it was b/c my ma asked for a variety of desserts (as if I can't do this), which my ma denied. My ma said that she was trying to be considerate of me not having to take on too much. I appreciate this. She knows though that I want to BAKE - all kinds of things. I signed up for the yeast rolls even! I don't want to fry chicken or cook green beans! icon_biggrin.gif

I for one do not think I have to make cakes for all family events or even do I desire to do so. I think they try to use me up. But we have a family principle. "If you are going to pay someone to do the work, you should keep the money in the family." This isn't for money, but I think the principle fits. Also, for instance, with the comment about the wedding cake for the 40th anni. couple who didn't have a wedding, my grandma has never had a special cake. Therefore, I don't want it to be a small cake. I can make her a small cake anytime, today even. There just aren't tons of occasions to make party sized cakes for her. And I like to try new designs too. Plus my ma did ask me to make the cake at the start of all of this, so I was even more upset that she didn't say to my aunt, "Well you know Kay is going to do that." icon_confused.gificon_confused.gificon_confused.gif LOL!

I like the idea of asking her to teach me how to make the coconut pies. I don't eat them, but I know they are popular. I won't ask her to make them, though. I refuse to do that.

Thanks again. I feel better. I've decided to do what I want. I have already done more work on this than anyone. I have purchased the dinnerware and the tea, coffee and lemonade urns, etc in the past and my stuff is always put to use for every family event. I'm putting a lot into this and my grandma will get the cake from me that I want her to have! thumbs_up.gif

cownsj Posted 2 Sep 2010 , 1:34pm
post #18 of 24

Good for you. I was coming in to say that you've had all kinds of different answers, all with very good valuable reasoning, so I was going to suggest you just do what is in your heart. Looks like you are doing just that. And enjoy the day.

DefyGravity Posted 2 Sep 2010 , 2:31pm
post #19 of 24

I'm glad you stood up for yourself! I hate tricky situations with family.

I think the idea of an appreciation party for your grandma is completely adorable, and I hope the whole party goes great!

torysgirl87 Posted 2 Sep 2010 , 3:05pm
post #20 of 24

Thank you all! It will turn out nice, I'm sure. My grandma will be so surprised-I can't wait to see her face!

Ma just called and suggested we all meet at Auntie's house to discuss the party details together. This is a GREAT idea! icon_smile.gif

margaretb Posted 3 Sep 2010 , 6:52am
post #21 of 24

I agree with you -- make the cake you want! It's not even like you are a guest trying to bring in unwanted food -- you are one of the hosts!

If I wanted to make a cake for someone, I'd go ahead and do it. Of course, in my family, I get asked all the time, and I actually resent it. It woud be nice to be asked to bring the nothing that everyone else is asked to bring instead of always staying up ALL NIGHT before every event making a huge cake.

I feel for your frustration with this party. I have pretty much decided that I am never offering to host a party again. With the exception of my own children's birthday parties, any time I have ever offered to host a party, someone has hijacked it. The latest was my mom's 70th birthday party. After a year of trying to get my brothers to make some plans with me, I was informed that my mom expected to have the party at her place, and that is what all my brothers wanted, and then for the entire summer I kept hearing complaints about having to get ready for the party. WELL I OFFERED TO HAVE IT AT MY PLACE!!! I've had my mom hijack a birthday party I was going to throw for a bachelor uncle (I was the only one who even remembered he was turning 70 that year), I've had my sister in law hijack my mom's birthday party (okay, that wasn't really a hijack -- I said to my family that I was going to have a birthday party for my mom, and she jumped in with oh, I was going to do it here). Bah, whatever, it's a lot of work and expense, so I am not offering anymore. So I would be totally cheesed off if I were doing all the work and covering all the expense and then someone else was trying to dictate the party to me without my input.

torysgirl87 Posted 3 Sep 2010 , 12:46pm
post #22 of 24

Margaret, I don't think anyone realizes how much it costs to even give a small simple party!

I am an admistrative assistant professionally and I have super organization skills. I am ALWAYS asked to do party planning and for the most part I really don't mind, but when we are giving a party, we should give it, not we pay for it and y'all give it! LOL

emrldsky Posted 3 Sep 2010 , 3:48pm
post #23 of 24

Glad that it's working out and that you stood your ground and spoke up! icon_biggrin.gif Hope the planning session goes well.

I have an extremely supportive family, both immediate and in-laws. Funny enough, my MIL wanted me to do my SIL's vet school graduate cake next May, but she has since let me off the hook, seeing as her son and I will be taking care of an infant at the time. icon_smile.gif

torysgirl87 Posted 3 Sep 2010 , 4:26pm
post #24 of 24

OMGoodness! Congrats to you!!! DH and I are on cycle #4 TTC #1. Wish me baby dust! FYI, they have the cutest grandparent T-shirts on vistaprint.com where you can make caricatures. It says "proud grandparent of" and I did caricatures of all of the other grandkids and a baby with the name DH and I picked and put a message "Harper's on the way!". I got the T-shirts for free! I plan to wrap them and give them to my parents as a way to tell them when we're successful.

I have a great relationship w/ my parents and pretty good one with my inlaws. DH would say the exact same thing! icon_smile.gif His family is about 100 miles away in another city so we are more involved with my immediate family. We live on the block w/ my parents & my grandma is about 1/2 mile up the road. My ma is great and we really are good friends. My daddy has her so spoiled and she barely knows what's like not to get her way. I was frustrated and just gonna not make a cake or be bothered with them being inconsiderate, but I really want to do it so I am.

Best wishes mommy! thumbs_up.gif

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