Jealous Friends *vent*

Lounge By emrldsky Updated 27 Jul 2010 , 9:20pm by JanH

emrldsky Posted 21 Jul 2010 , 7:36pm
post #1 of 38

So, DH and I are close friends with another couple, and we spend a lot of time together, hanging out, etc. But lately I've noticed that whenever DH and I share good news that we're excited about, one or both of them will reply in some manner such ask, "Well, at least you have ___."

Well, today really just knocked me on my rear. I was sharing my new business logo with her and after 5 minutes of her typing in the chat window, she goes on about how it really hurts her that I rub her face in my success, and that if I had spent 2 seconds thinking about her I would have realized that she could have done it, yadda yadda. I was floored. I mean, I sat at my desk, at work, BAWLING my eyes out, because I hadn't realized I was hurting my friend. I mean, not intentionally, of course.

But now this has me thinking about past situations. When DH and I bought our house, and we complained about not finding one we liked with a basement, their response was, "At least you can afford a house." We got our first-time home buyer's tax credit and were looking at new dishwashers (ours wasn't working right), and they said, "At least you have a dishwasher." I mean, how are we supposed to take it?

As for talking to them about this, no way! They (specifically she) has no problem bringing up when we've done something, but anytime we've even approached this subject with them, it always gets turned around back on us about how we have so much.

I'm seriously considering slowly distancing myself from them. Just thinking about this whole situation has me nearly throwing up and crying (again).

If I were a heartless person, I'd brush it off, but I'm not so I can't. I just feel like things are a bit one-sided. icon_sad.gif

37 replies
Herekittykitty Posted 21 Jul 2010 , 7:45pm
post #2 of 38

Well first off, congratulations to you on becoming legit, I read your other post regarding earlier. I am sure your logo is wonderful.

Some people just cannot see the good for others and can only see what they don't have compared to what you do. In short they are negative (I am intimately familiar with these types of people).

The only thing you can do is either realize this is how they are ALWAYS going to react to news and just accept it (in other words just smile serenely and move the conversation along) or drop them as friends. In the case of family - I grin and bear it, in the case of friends - well lets just say I don't miss them much.

Sorry you recieved this reaction. You have every right to be happy and proud of your accomplishments.

emrldsky Posted 21 Jul 2010 , 7:50pm
post #3 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by Herekittykitty

Well first off, congratulations to you on becoming legit, I read your other post regarding earlier. I am sure your logo is wonderful.

Some people just cannot see the good for others and can only see what they don't have compared to what you do. In short they are negative (I am intimately familiar with these types of people).

The only thing you can do is either realize this is how they are ALWAYS going to react to news and just accept it (in other words just smile serenely and move the conversation along) or drop them as friends. In the case of family - I grin and bear it, in the case of friends - well lets just say I don't miss them much.

Sorry you recieved this reaction. You have every right to be happy and proud of your accomplishments.




Thank you so much! I am proud of all I've been able to do, and I wanted to share that with friends.

Right now, I'm not very reasonable, so it's nice to have someone else be the voice of reason. icon_smile.gif

Thank you. icon_biggrin.gif

Sunflower08 Posted 21 Jul 2010 , 7:57pm
post #4 of 38

I think I would slowly start putting some distance in between you and the so called friend. Sounds like she doesn't know how to be excited for someone and would rather have the spotlight on her.

Do what makes you happy! And be happy in your success! Don't let others get you down.

Loucinda Posted 21 Jul 2010 , 8:13pm
post #5 of 38

Unfortunately there are people in the world that just never want to see anyone else do good or have success. I call these people toxic. My own mother was one of these types. It took a lot, but breaking the ties with her was the best thing for me and my young family. You may have to make that decision. I would much rather have my self surrounded with people who celebrate with me when things are good and have hugs for me when they're not. I don't have time or energy for the ones that are always negative and look at the glass half empty.

Good luck with how you decide to deal with this situation.

Texas_Rose Posted 21 Jul 2010 , 8:44pm
post #6 of 38

I've been on the other side of things myself. My younger sister always gets money or gifts from her in-laws and so she has lots of things that I don't. She always goes on about everything she gets too...I don't know if she wants to make me feel bad or if she is just excited about what she has. Maybe your friend has the same kind of sibling issues and it carries over into your friendship. Either way, since she's a friend and not your sister, you can ditch her if it gets to be too much to deal with icon_biggrin.gif

I would send her an email: "I have been sitting here crying because I didn't realize that I made you feel so bad. I remember your comments when we bought our house and realize you must have felt bad then too. That wasn't my intention...my husband and I work hard for everything we have, and it's nice to be able to tell our friends about new milestones in our lives, like our first house and my new business, but I never meant to make you feel bad. Part of friendship is being proud of a friend when they reach a new milestone, like the way I was so glad for you when you (fill in the blank with something she has done). "


And maybe she'll see that she's being unreasonable or a bad friend.

emrldsky Posted 21 Jul 2010 , 8:50pm
post #7 of 38

Sunflower - You're so right. I do need to focus on what makes me happy and successful.

Loucinda - I'm gonna need all the luck I can get, thanks. icon_biggrin.gif

Texas_Rose - I actually did respond to her, told her that I was sorry, that I would never intentionally hurt a friend and I was sick and crying over hurting her. I didn't address the issue of sharing good news...I'm just going to stop sharing the good things.

I think the reason this has me so shaken up is because, even though they say those negative things, she's never really been outwardly negative about things. She said she was excited I had started my business, but I guess me not even thinking to ask her for logo work just really got to her.

I know her background is in art, but when I think of logos, I think of graphic designers. I explained that to her today.

Heck, maybe it's PMS (she's notorious for her mood swings around that time of the month...not even kidding).

For now, I'm going to tread lightly, keep my distance, and revert to a more superficial relationship until things can be worked out, either for the good or bad.

Thank you all so much. I feel SOOOO much better about the situation, now that I've read some excellent advice and calmed down. icon_smile.gif

BlakesCakes Posted 21 Jul 2010 , 9:03pm
post #8 of 38

Sadly, we live in a world where "misery loves miserable company". icon_cool.gif

There are a lot of people who spend so much time licking real, or imagined, wounds about not having enough $$ or enough stuff, that they can't bring themselves to feel good about the good fortune of others.

Whether deliberately, or subconsciously, they make remarks crafted to make the more fortunate feel badly about having good fortune or for having had the audacity to talk about it.

They live in a world of self pity and they want others to feel just as rotten as they do. They're the "Debbie Downers" of everyday life.

I refuse to give people like this what they want. I won't apologize for my life, whether I created my own good fortune or whether it just fell in my lap. Their reaction IS THEIR PROBLEM, NOT MINE. I don't "rub in" good things, but I don't hide them, either. If it comes up, I talk about it.

People who continue to try to guilt me just stop hearing from me.............. icon_wink.gif

JMHO
Rae

Texas_Rose Posted 21 Jul 2010 , 9:22pm
post #9 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by emrldsky


Heck, maybe it's PMS (she's notorious for her mood swings around that time of the month...not even kidding).




You know, I was thinking that when I read your original post...PMS or pregnancy hormones.

emrldsky Posted 21 Jul 2010 , 9:22pm
post #10 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by BlakesCakes

Sadly, we live in a world where "misery loves miserable company". icon_cool.gif

There are a lot of people who spend so much time licking real, or imagined, wounds about not having enough $$ or enough stuff, that they can't bring themselves to feel good about the good fortune of others.

Whether deliberately, or subconsciously, they make remarks crafted to make the more fortunate feel badly about having good fortune or for having had the audacity to talk about it.

They live in a world of self pity and they want others to feel just as rotten as they do. They're the "Debbie Downers" of everyday life.

I refuse to give people like this what they want. I won't apologize for my life, whether I created my own good fortune or whether it just fell in my lap. Their reaction IS THEIR PROBLEM, NOT MINE. I don't "rub in" good things, but I don't hide them, either. If it comes up, I talk about it.

People who continue to try to guilt me just stop hearing from me.............. icon_wink.gif

JMHO
Rae




You're absolutely right. I get into this mode where I'd rather just suck it up and deal with it rather than hurt anyone's feelings. It's not healthy, I know this.

I've got a lot of thinking to do.

emrldsky Posted 21 Jul 2010 , 9:55pm
post #11 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by Texas_Rose

Quote:
Originally Posted by emrldsky


Heck, maybe it's PMS (she's notorious for her mood swings around that time of the month...not even kidding).




You know, I was thinking that when I read your original post...PMS or pregnancy hormones.




I doubt she's pregnant...if she were, she wouldn't be very happy (she really doesn't want kids just yet). icon_wink.gif

So...here's the logo that started the big blowout! icon_biggrin.gif

http://cakecentral.com/modules.php?name=Forums&file=viewtopic&p=6892493

mamawrobin Posted 21 Jul 2010 , 10:04pm
post #12 of 38

Well, I'M happy for you icon_biggrin.gif I also know people like this. Maybe you and your husband have "grown" out of this 'relationship'. I remember friends that I had back in my 20's or even 30's that I'm no longer close to. We are constantly growing and changing and some people just don't grow as fast as others.

I have a friend that is about to come into a LOT of money. She called me the other day to tell me and I started crying with her. icon_lol.gif She said "I called you because I KNEW you'd be happy for me...I didn't even tell ____________ because I knew what she would say." Apparently she knows someone much like your friend. icon_lol.gif

You and your husband have worked hard to have the things that you have but even if you'd won the lottery and gotten the things that you have through 'good fortune', she should be happy for you instead of wanting your sympathy for the things she doesn't have.

Love the logo btw thumbs_up.gif

emrldsky Posted 21 Jul 2010 , 10:11pm
post #13 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamawrobin

Well, I'M happy for you icon_biggrin.gif I also know people like this. Maybe you and your husband have "grown" out of this 'relationship'. I remember friends that I had back in my 20's or even 30's that I'm no longer close to. We are constantly growing and changing and some people just don't grow as fast as others.

I have a friend that is about to come into a LOT of money. She called me the other day to tell me and I started crying with her. icon_lol.gif She said "I called you because I KNEW you'd be happy for me...I didn't even tell ____________ because I knew what she would say." Apparently she knows someone much like your friend. icon_lol.gif

You and your husband have worked hard to have the things that you have but even if you'd won the lottery and gotten the things that you have through 'good fortune', she should be happy for you instead of wanting your sympathy for the things she doesn't have.

Love the logo btw thumbs_up.gif




Well, my husband is trying to say that it's her problem but that I shouldn't just drop her as a friend, blah blah. I don't think he truly gets how I feel about it all.

But you know what...it doesn't matter. What matters is that I am doing the things in my life the way that I've always done them, and heck, I'm pretty successful. There are other people who have whined about the fact that DH and I have it "easy" when their life is hard (ahem, his sister), but we just remind her that we chose a different path than she did (she's in veterinary school).

All in all, I knew this place would be a great source of advice and reason into the situation. I love you all!! icon_biggrin.gif

And mamarobin, icon_smile.gif Thank you for the compliments on my logo.

Jenny0730 Posted 21 Jul 2010 , 10:32pm
post #14 of 38

I think it really sucks that your "friend" can't be happy for you. What kind of friend is that?

As far as the "at least you can afford....." comments....are you supposed to feel bad about that? Didn't you work hard to have what you have? You shouldn't feel bad because you are able to afford a house and a dishwasher.

You worked really hard to get your business where it is and for her to say that you are rubbing it in her face....well, screw her! If she were your true friend, she would be happy for you.

Ya know, my sister married into a family with a lot of wealth. She is able to stay home with her children and they are in the middle of building this amazing house with a kick ass pool. It's not something I could ever afford, but you know what, I am really happy for her. I think it has a lot to do with just being happy with what I have. I don't have the biggest house on the block or great designer shoes but I do have a great hubby and two amazing kids and I wouldn't trade any of that for anything.

emrldsky Posted 21 Jul 2010 , 10:36pm
post #15 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by Jenny0730

I think it really sucks that your "friend" can't be happy for you. What kind of friend is that?

As far as the "at least you can afford....." comments....are you supposed to feel bad about that? Didn't you work hard to have what you have? You shouldn't feel bad because you are able to afford a house and a dishwasher.

You worked really hard to get your business where it is and for her to say that you are rubbing it in her face....well, screw her! If she were your true friend, she would be happy for you.

Ya know, my sister married into a family with a lot of wealth. She is able to stay home with her children and they are in the middle of building this amazing house with a kick ass pool. It's not something I could ever afford, but you know what, I am really happy for her. I think it has a lot to do with just being happy with what I have. I don't have the biggest house on the block or great designer shoes but I do have a great hubby and two amazing kids and I wouldn't trade any of that for anything.




I think you've nailed it on the head there. She's not happy, at all, with what she has. She feels that she doesn't have much, and that they struggle to even get that small amount.

So when they ask DH and I where we want to go to dinner, we try to suggest cheaper places that are still nice, keeping their budget in mind, without being obvious about it (in fact, we often let them choose). We are very aware that they are in a different situation than we are, especially financially.

But I also know that I wouldn't trade anything DH and I have to make us even. We have worked hard to be where we are.

cheatize Posted 22 Jul 2010 , 12:02am
post #16 of 38

I suggest you think about what a friend is. If you cannot share nearly all of your life with a person, are they really such a good friend? Even if she did get everything she wants, would she be able to be happy for you?

I have acquaintances, good acquaintances, casual friends, and a few really good friends. I think you have her in the wrong category.

indydebi Posted 22 Jul 2010 , 1:21am
post #17 of 38

It's tiring and exhausting to be around people like that. TRUE friends are happy for the good things that happen to their friends. They don't whine because "gosh! why can't that be ME!? Why do YOU get all the breaks?"

Dump 'em. Life's too short. Misery loves company and I'm sure they'll find a "friend" down the road and the two of them can sit on their front porch complaining about how everyone's got it better than them and how it's (stomp foot!) "not fair!"

Dump 'em.

emrldsky Posted 22 Jul 2010 , 2:50am
post #18 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi

It's tiring and exhausting to be around people like that. TRUE friends are happy for the good things that happen to their friends. They don't whine because "gosh! why can't that be ME!? Why do YOU get all the breaks?"

Dump 'em. LIfe's too short. Misery loves company and I'm sure they'll find a "friend" down the road and the two of them can sit on their front porch complaining about how everyone's got it better than them and how it's (stomp foot!) "not fair!"

Dump 'em.




Debi, you always know how to make it sweet and simple. icon_smile.gif Oh, and make a person smile at the same time.

Unlimited Posted 22 Jul 2010 , 7:13am
post #19 of 38

It's so sad when your friends, loved ones, and even family members can't just be happy for you. Those are the type of people that you need to distance yourself from because they'll only bring you down.

It's as if they set themselves up for disaster/failure on purpose, just so they can rub it in "poor me", or "I told you so... we aren't as fortunate as you."

We tried to help a best friend by showing them exactly what they could be doing or what NOT to do, and they'd turn around and do something totally stupid (like buy a $200 dog), when they couldn't afford to feed their three childrenmuch less buy dogfood too! We gave up on 'em before they had a chance to start blaming their problems on us! Sadly, we haven't talked to them for 12 years, but that's okay because it's better than listening to them complain about how they can never get ahead, when they don't take the free advice from DH (financial planner, at the time).

emrldsky Posted 22 Jul 2010 , 1:16pm
post #20 of 38

Thanks again everyone!! I got some sleep last night, and talked to DH yesterday evening.

Anyway...I wanted to just give an update on the situation.

I would love to just not deal with them anymore, really, but it seems DH isn't on board, and it would be nearly impossible to cut myself out of the equation. However, I'm not going to lie down and let myself be walked all over like a doormat. I gave that up in high school, and I'm not reverting now.

I'm going to try and handle this in a mature, adult way, and just chalk up her overwhelming outburst yesterday as PMS. Overall, her major complaint was that she's out of work, I didn't think about her when considering who to get to do my logo, and how I don't bring up art with her so she can talk about her artwork.

In keeping with that, I sent an email, expressing how her outburst made ME feel, and how I'm seeing our friendship because of it. Essentially telling her that it hurt she would think I would rub my "artsy" success in her face, that it broke my heart to think that I wouldn't be allowed to share good news with her, pissed that she took a moment of excitement and joy and turned it into something ugly, and disappointed that there's an "off limits" sign on our relationship. I also explained that when I bring up a cake project, it's my roundabout way of bringing up the subject of art, in which she could be an active participant. I truly don't know enough about art to strike up a conversation on it, so I invited her to open up to me about it, to talk about it, show me what she's working on.

We'll see how she responds, because really, that'll determine my next steps. (In other words, if she's unreasonable, DH will be hanging out with them alone.)

I also didn't address their past comments, but will keep those in mind in future conversations. I'm hoping that it WAS a hormonal response when she was already feeling down on herself.

I don't think she's an unreasonable person, but there are times when she's difficult.

KKC Posted 22 Jul 2010 , 2:30pm
post #21 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi

It's tiring and exhausting to be around people like that. TRUE friends are happy for the good things that happen to their friends. They don't whine because "gosh! why can't that be ME!? Why do YOU get all the breaks?"

Dump 'em. Life's too short. Misery loves company and I'm sure they'll find a "friend" down the road and the two of them can sit on their front porch complaining about how everyone's got it better than them and how it's (stomp foot!) "not fair!"

Dump 'em.




So true!!! My hubby and I went thru something similar a couple of months ago. But it was more about our marriage. We live in a small town where everyone is basically related or very close to the family. Anyway,I grew up with these girls and I kinda warned him before we moved here that they were trouble and they thrived on drama. So we always had our wall up being around them. They would always try to invite my hubby out to strip clubs (withoutt me) icon_mad.gif but he would always turn them down.

Anyway, they were jealous because hubby and I went out on dates like twice out the month...I'm not one to brag but I'd put on my FB status "Date night with hubby" but I never threw it in anyones face. But they didn't think of it that way. So they called me insecure and it was just flat out ugly. They were telling people that he was cheating on me, that we were having problems in our marriage. I finally found out the real reason why they were saying this crap...one of the girls in particular had always liked my hubby (we all went to high school together) and she was bascially trying to get him for herself icon_mad.gif Well I confronted each and everyone of them (3 girls in total) and I let them have it.

I made sure i distanced myself from them, as did my hubby. We are now in the process of finding a place far as hell away from them. Whats sad is that all 3 of these chick have a man...one of them is actually married but her hubby is never home..they don't do things together unless its a big group of them. The other chick her boyfriend doesn't like her partying ways so they are always breaking up. And the other her boyfriend of 24 years (yes boyfriend not husband) is always ot of town, and he brought her home a baby to take care of (from his other chick all the way from New York). So i guess its safe to say they have more issues in their relationships combined than i'll ever have. So i guess by me putting on my status that i was having date night with my hubby that made them jealous. I told them well if you got your man to take you out more often then you wouldn't be worried about what goes on in my household or my relationship.

Its amazing how some people act when their life is miserable. thumbsdown.gifthumbsdown.gifthumbsdown.gif

ninjacaker Posted 22 Jul 2010 , 3:24pm
post #22 of 38

icon_sad.gif

This isn't your fault, in my opinion. I think they are struggling in life and seeing you do well is hard for them. Your friends should support you in your successes, not be jealous and upset with you.


I'm sorry you are going through this. I think you can either talk to her about it, or you can start to distance yourself from her. But this sounds tough.

Peridot Posted 22 Jul 2010 , 4:54pm
post #23 of 38

WOW KKC - that's quite a story!!! Happy to hear that you are planning on moving away from the *itches and that your marriage is strong and has survived!

I am still chuckling over the 24 year relationship and he brings home a baby for her to take care of. OMG!!

KKC Posted 22 Jul 2010 , 5:14pm
post #24 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by Peridot

WOW KKC - that's quite a story!!! Happy to hear that you are planning on moving away from the *itches and that your marriage is strong and has survived!

I am still chuckling over the 24 year relationship and he brings home a baby for her to take care of. OMG!!




Thanks...now that i look back at it, I just laugh at them. Its amazing the lengths that people will go to ruin someones life. I am so ready to move out of this neighborhood and move on. Its bad that people who you consider your "friends" can't be happy for you because of whats going WRONG in their lives. I guess thats life icon_cry.gif

mamawrobin Posted 22 Jul 2010 , 5:49pm
post #25 of 38

I have a lot of acquaintances but few friends. cheatize mentioned this in her post. "Friend" is a highly over used word and not everyone in our lives fall into this category.

indydebi Posted 22 Jul 2010 , 5:55pm
post #26 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamawrobin

I have a lot of acquaintances but few friends. cheatize mentioned this in her post. "Friend" is a highly over used word and not everyone in our lives fall into this category.


Agree totally. I've asked more than one person, when they refer to "a friend at work" ....... "If you left that job, would you still hang out with that person? If yes, then they are a friend. If no, then they are someone you work with."

I'm not being cold but I've seen people get all pitiful because they've gotten laid off or left a job "...... and all my friends just threw me to the curb and don't talk to me anymore!" icon_cry.gif

Ok.....they weren't FRIENDS. They were PEOPLE YOU WORK WITH. There's a big difference. Get over it and move on!

emrldsky Posted 22 Jul 2010 , 5:57pm
post #27 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamawrobin

I have a lot of acquaintances but few friends. cheatize mentioned this in her post. "Friend" is a highly over used word and not everyone in our lives fall into this category.




I completely agree with this. My coworker is always talking about her friends, and most of them are just acquaintances.

When I talk about my friends, that's exactly how I mean it. icon_smile.gif The couple in my OP, well, I was going to be in her wedding as a bridesmaid (it was postponed).

iluvpeeks Posted 25 Jul 2010 , 4:20am
post #28 of 38

Her wedding was postponed? You have a house? You have a dishwasher?
You are starting a business? (congrats btw) Shame on you! Unfortunately as you grow older (I'm assuming you are still young, and not old as dirt like me) especially while you are growing as a couple, there will always be someone who'll try to take you down because they are, and unfortunately you kind of outgrow certain so called friends. Take it from me, and I'm sure others will agree, get rid of the negativity in your life, and focus on what makes you happy and fulfilled, and let those negative people figure out what's going to make them happy. They are not your problem. Live life to its fullest, enjoy every moment, cause it goes by way too fast.

KKC Posted 25 Jul 2010 , 5:06am
post #29 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by iluvpeeks

Her wedding was postponed? You have a house? You have a dishwasher?
You are starting a business? (congrats btw) Shame on you! Unfortunately as you grow older (I'm assuming you are still young, and not old as dirt like me) especially while you are growing as a couple, there will always be someone who'll try to take you down because they are, and unfortunately you kind of outgrow certain so called friends. Take it from me, and I'm sure others will agree, get rid of the negativity in your life, and focus on what makes you happy and fulfilled, and let those negative people figure out what's going to make them happy. They are not your problem. Live life to its fullest, enjoy every moment, cause it goes by way too fast.




thumbs_up.gifthumbs_up.gifthumbs_up.gifthumbs_up.gif

tesso Posted 25 Jul 2010 , 8:55am
post #30 of 38

I am sorry you have to go through that..

I have family members who are like that too. It drives me crazy. The solution.. you either grin and bear it or cut and run.

I just cut them off. I dont need that kind of negativity in my life. I would rather just tell my good news to my dog who responds with a bark and a wag..aka.. way to go mommy!! icon_biggrin.gif

and just so you know.. I AM HAPPY FOR YOU AND YOUR NEW BUSINESS!!!

and one other little rant..it has been bugging the crap out of me.. your friends comment about you never bringing up art.. HAS SHE SEEN YOUR CAKES?? They ARE art.

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