My Daughter Wants To Be A Surrogate Mother

Lounge By Echooo3 Updated 30 Jun 2010 , 12:08am by KatyJ

Echooo3 Posted 18 Jun 2010 , 11:51am
post #1 of 22

I'm all for the idea execpt not for my daughter. I don't think she can handle it emotionally. But she is an adult and will probably go through with this.

I explained to her my thoughts. Weird because I usually stay out of their business. Yes, she is married and has two wonderful, beautiful and healthy children (18 months old boy and a 4 year girl). I love being "grandma".

I'm crushed because I think she is making a very bad decision. It wouldn't be her egg so technically it wouldn't really be her child. They have been married 8 years. They hardly have anything so she thinks the money will really help. $25,000 looks big on paper but in the hands it's like water.

Anyway, thanks for letting me get this off my chest.

21 replies
Ursula40 Posted 18 Jun 2010 , 12:59pm
post #2 of 22

It is a very emotional decision, but the emotion will come, when she is carrying the child. You as her mother won't care, whether it is her egg or not, your child is carrying a child. We had problems getting pregnant and carrying a child to term, surrogacy would have been a dream, that never would have come true, unless we moved to other parts of the world. i don't think I could ever give up a child, be it mine, r someone else's, especially not, if i had carried it for 9 months. But then, we are in the position, where we don't need the 25,0000 Dollars. Your child has two children and as you said, not much in the bank. She is thinking of them. Yes it will be hard, when the time comes, but she is doing what she can, to give her children the best chance. Try and respect that and also think of the couple, who might never have a child of their own, it is heartbreaking, I can't count the tears we've both shed, every time the test came back negative.

I say, hats off to your daughter, she needs you now. She will have emotional ups and downs, she wouldn't be a real mother if she didn't, but she needs you to be her mother and support right now. She is an adult and has made the decision with her husband, they are in it together. The child part in her will need you throughout and after, the adult part is telling her, she needs to do it for her children, at least that is what I understand in what you have written. As a woman, who has thought of adoption (not possible because of travel (hubbys job) and surrogacy, also not possible because of the same reasons, and not able to adopt now, because even if we would live in our home country because of age, I have a lot of respect for your daughter. In my eyes, she deserves the same respect as a living donor of lets say a kidney or part of a liver deserves, only more so. I wanted at least 6 children and have been blessed by one, at least I have her (and all friends and all of my nephews and nieces, but it was a very difficult road for me and for my husband as well, we both come from prolific families)

Try and help her to invest the money wisely, in her childrens future and most of all, support her as much as you can. As you said, she is an adult now, but to be honest, in your eyes, she will also always be your child, just do not treat her as such at this moment, you might jeopadise the relationship

mamawrobin Posted 18 Jun 2010 , 1:02pm
post #3 of 22

As a mother I can certainly understand your concerns. How old is your daughter?

Echooo3 Posted 18 Jun 2010 , 1:31pm
post #4 of 22

Ursula40, thank you for your view. I am not looking at this from both sides and your words have enlightened me. Wow this is tough. The truth of the matter is I really don't think she can handle it emotionally. She went through a SEVERE depression after her first child, not so much with the second, however, she does have very high days and very low days.

My daughter is 31 years old and a stay at home mom. She is a wonderful mother. My grandchildren seemed to be very happy and well balanced. I think she has these mood swings because in her mind she has to be the BEST mom. It's impossible to be perfect and she doesn't get that part.

I am very close to her, we see each other every week and talk to each other daily. I will have to focus on supporting her if she goes through with this but honestly I am completely against it.

With Gods help we will get through this.

Ursula40 Posted 18 Jun 2010 , 1:46pm
post #5 of 22

Yes I understand your point of view as well, I have a daughter (13 at the moment)

Should she ever come with this thought, I think I would offer her the money for the child, I would have problems with her giving up the child, but it's because i still want children, although I am full in the change and could not biologically have any anymore, that doesn't matter though in my heart, i would adopt as many as i can (do NOT tell my hubby that, we had agreed on 3 at the beginning, never even wasted a thought how difficult even one could be)

It's a very difficult position to be in, regardless, i just wanted to point out the other side. But in the end, we only have our children for 18 yrs, after that, they leave home, found their own families and we should be grateful and happy, if the relationship lasts. You never know, what their partners are like, what happens in their life, that might estrange children from parents, it's not only the one or others fault, sometimes other circumstances play a role. Be glad, that she told you now, before she enters into it. It shows a trust not all mothers have with their grown daughters. Cherish it and be there for her. Help her in all that you can, especially with a history of depression after childbirth, believe it or not, I had it as well. I do not like to admit it, but to be truthfull, it can also stem with wanting or trying to be too perfect. Maybe this time it won't be so bad, because she knows that the child is not her own and not hers to keep. Believe in God, but also believe in yourself and your daughter. Be there for her and your grandchildren. I believe, but I also believe, that he helps those, that help themselves and others. I for one, admire her decision, but on the other hand, also know how difficult it is, for you as her mother

Echooo3 Posted 18 Jun 2010 , 1:58pm
post #6 of 22

So glad I have posted here. I typed and email last night to my daughter but haven't sent it yet because I wanted to think about what I was saying to her. The email talks about all the things that could go wrong.

I'm not going to send it now. You are right, she needs my support. She will have enough people that won't understand, she doesn't me to be another one of those. I love her more than life itself. We are a praying family and God is the center of our lives.

You know one of the things I'm struggling with is -- should I be happy when she calls and says "I'm pregnant"?

TexasSugar Posted 18 Jun 2010 , 2:04pm
post #7 of 22

Why not suggest your daughter visit with a counselor? I'm not sure if that is a requirement, but I'd think it'd be a good idea for anyone that would be in that postion to do. Maybe then the counselor can help her see if she is emotional prepared for it.

In the end, it is her body and she will make the choice she feels is right for her and her family. Since you have told her how you feel, I'd step back now and try to be at least support of her choice. That doesn't mean you can't help her weigh out the pros and cons, but if you are pushing negativity at her, that will also effect how she will handle everything.

Peridot Posted 18 Jun 2010 , 2:14pm
post #8 of 22

What does your daughter's husband think about this decision?

Ursula40 Posted 18 Jun 2010 , 2:14pm
post #9 of 22

Yes you should, because that is what she will need right at that moment. She needs you to be happy for her, suportive when she needs you. It's going to be difficult enough for her as it is, and she porbably knows it, she is a mother as well, she doesn't need you to remind her, but she is doing it for her kids. It's probably easier for her husband, it's not his child, nor hers, he won't really understand what really goes on in a women who carries a chidl inside of her. Should she become pregnant, it's going to be a rollercoaster, most men have difficulties understanding what goes on in a woman anyway (they think pregnancy involves getting icecream in the middle of the night or pickles) but there is a lot more, most of which no woman I know, really tells all to her husband, cause she's scared of scaring him off. She will need you to be there, so she can tell you. Can you imagine her telling her husband she is thinking of keeping the child? She will have these thoughts, and just talking them out (it will freak you out at the time) will help getting it all into perspective again. I always say listening is a big part of being a mother, that's what I missed most of all, having lost my mother at a young age, she was the best listener ever. I hope I am and will be as well. Just listen and try as much as you can to go with the flow. Have your arms ready, the tissues to dry the tears, but see her as an adult not as a small girl anymore, as difficult as it may be at the time. I'm here in the forum or by PM if you need to talk anytime and I'll have the virtual tissues ready, when you might need them

Echooo3 Posted 18 Jun 2010 , 2:23pm
post #10 of 22

This has been so good for me to hear everyones comments. I decorated 100 wedding cookies yesterday (took me 12 hours). That is a lot of "think" time. The conversations in my head were nonstop.

I adore my son-in-law. He is the best. My daughter says he is pessimistic so I think she is hearing about all the things that could go wrong from him. I do believe he is pretty much on board with the idea though.

They have met the other couple who currently have a daughter that came from another surrogate mom.

I am interested in everyone's thoughts to help me get some clarity around this. Thanks you.

Ursula40 Posted 18 Jun 2010 , 2:44pm
post #11 of 22

As a mother of a daughter, I understand, where you stand, as a woman, who nearly did not have any children and the doctors told me, that the chances were slim to none ( I lost a few as well), I understand the side of the couple wanting the child as well. To me, your daughter, if she goes through with it, is a hero, willing to give the greatest gift of all, not for her own gain, but because of her children and that is laudable. She should see a councelor though, to talk about pros and cons with someone, who is not involved in the process and definately not with any party involved, but I imagine, that that would be the norm? At least it sounds like your daughter has the support of her husband and her trust in you, she actually has the best of both worlds, a loving family all around. Wish you all the strength you need to get through this as a family

SweetArt Posted 18 Jun 2010 , 3:15pm
post #12 of 22

I have been a surrogate. I viewed it just like when I worked in a day care. I cared for the kids, but no matter how much I liked the children, I had no problem giving them back to the parents.

I also did not have depression issues though, after the birth of my other children. I was able to keep myself detached during the pregnancy. I also nursed the baby in the hospital and pumped milk for the the child's first 3 months. Not once did I think of keeping the child. Not that I would have legal right to as I was not genetically related to the child.

I did not do the surrogacy for the money. I did it because I had had an itch to do one since I was in High School. I did use the money to start my cake biz though.

If she goes through an agency, they will screen her. She will have a background check, have to talk to a counselor, and have a ton of medical test done. It is not an easy process. I was also on several different meds, and had to give myself daily injections for months. This is not as easy as it sounds.

There are always risks in pregnancies. I had had 3 perfect pregnancies and deliveries, but the surrogacy birth did not go as easily. I would suggest that she be okay with not having any more children if something goes wrong, before proceeding. For me, I carried twins. The mother was just over 40, so her eggs were a little old. One of the twins had down-syndrome. That little girl died at 18 weeks into the pregnancy. I continued to carry the other, but was high risk because of the circumstances. At the birth, the baby became stuck. I almost had to have and emergency c-section. (I am against cutting unless it's life threatening.) It was a struggle, but the baby was born. The dead twin had calcified itself to the side of my uterus. I had to have a D&C and had clotting problems for the next couple of weeks. (Sorry for all the TMI.)

My husband and I were able to have another child a couple years later, but for awhile I was worried that damage had been done to my body. I don't regret it. (I can say that now that everything turned out okay, but for awhile there, I wasn't sure.)

My mother supported me through the whole thing. She liked the idea. My husband's family did not. Their reasons were selfish though, not concern about me. This did leave some bad feels between us for awhile. I would suggest that if you have concerns, sit down and have 1 chat with her. List all of those concerns, then tell her she now knows how you feel, and that you will not mention it again if she decides to go through with it, but that you will be there for her through it.

Echooo3 Posted 18 Jun 2010 , 4:11pm
post #13 of 22

icon_surprised.gificon_surprised.gificon_surprised.gif Cake Central is AMAZING. Thank you SweetArt.

It is so great to hear from someone who has actually been there. Did you know the person you did it for prior to the arrangement? Are you still in touch with them now?

I heard there are all kinds of test both medical and phycological for both my daughter and her husband.

Thank you, thank you, thank you.

SweetArt Posted 18 Jun 2010 , 4:53pm
post #14 of 22

I did not know them prior. I would have gladly done it for a friend, but none of my friends needed it. We do still keep in contact. She sends me a birthday and Christmas card every year with pictures, and I do the same.

BlakesCakes Posted 18 Jun 2010 , 10:15pm
post #15 of 22

I'll bring up another issue that concerns me greatly.

Her children are very young and at a very impressionable age. I'd be terribly uncomfortable about how the older child would respond when Mommy gives the new baby away.

A 4 or 5 year old will understand most of the talk about the "baby". She's likely old enough to realize that the last time she heard that talk and Mommy got a big tummy, a new baby came home. Kids at this age can have huge abandonment issues. This child would be prone to acting out strongly if she puts 2+2 together.

Surrogacy can be a wonderful thing--at the right time for not just the family that needs the surrogate, but also for the family OF the surrogate.

At 31, your daughter is considered a "geriatric" pregnancy (great term, I know) and this brings about a special list of concerns, in itself. Her history of post partum depression is also a risk factor here.

I understand you desire to be supportive. In your shoes, I'd want to know that she and her family have been rigorously vetted by multiple counselors AND that there be a plan in place for post partum evaluation and care--for both her AND her husband and children. Should she have post partum issues, it's not fair for them to have to shoulder the financial and emotional costs alone.

If you are part of the evaluation process, be HONEST about your thoughts and feelings. DON"T say what you think others want you to say about your daughter or surrogacy--say what YOU believe.

All the best.

SweetArt Posted 19 Jun 2010 , 12:01am
post #16 of 22

When I did my surrogacy, my children were 2, 4, and 6. They did not have a clue. The growing tummy happened so slowly that my kids did not even realize. (And I was not an over weight person.) There was not much "baby" talk. When it's not your child, your not anxiously awaiting the arrival and make preparations.

My kids did not visit me in the hospital when I had her, and they never saw me hold her. My kids still don't know about it and I don't plan on telling them until them can understand biology and genetics. (High school age at least.) Yes, a young child may think you're giving away their sibling.

Your daughter should have a good contract drawn up that includes compensation for postpartum problems, including depression. This is actually not unusual.

I agree with Rae 100%; if you're asked about concerns you may have state them honestly. You know your daughter's postpartum issues better than she may be willing to admit even to herself.

Echooo3 Posted 19 Jun 2010 , 1:16pm
post #17 of 22

My granddaughter, 4, is very bright. My daughter will probably tell her that she is growing a baby for a couple that is not able to grow one of their own. I don't think my daughter will try to hide it because the 4YO is extremely intelligent. She is more likely to understand that things that we can't grow ourselves we go to somewhere else to get them. IDK, but it could be tricky.

Nothing is definately at this point so it could go either way. We just need to keep praying that God's will is done and it's for the best for everyone.

Echooo3 Posted 20 Jun 2010 , 8:09pm
post #18 of 22

I'm really having a hard time dealing with this.

Ursula40 Posted 20 Jun 2010 , 11:45pm
post #19 of 22

At the moment, nothing is set yet, your daughter still has to pass all the tests. Perhaps you should contemplate seeing someone about this, if you still have problems with the thought, when she does go through with it. It's one thing writing about it to strangers, another to have a face to face talk with someone (pastor, professional therapist, perhaps even with your daughter's doctor)

amarilloyankee Posted 28 Jun 2010 , 3:44pm
post #20 of 22

Hello I was directed to this link from another question cause I am a proud surrogate mother. So I will give my views on it.

I am now 35yrs old (ugghh) my surrogate daughters are 6 and almost 5yrs old. I carried for the same couple. They used an egg donor and I carried the babies. My couple tried for 13yrs to conceive and still no pregnancy ever took place. Yet put the embies and me and bam..Baby!

At first when I decided to be a surrogate I had to explain to my ex it was to help with money to those I knew wouldn't understand my desire to help was always explained the money would help us. (btw I live in a 3500sqft house and am by no means hurting for money!) Most surrogates are middle income families so dont let the "news" poison your thoughts that surrogates are only in it for the money! The money is the last thought most surrogates think of. Anyways, I actually began thinking of the fact I NEVER wanted kids..I was a tomboy and the thought never entered my mind but luckily I had my surprise child who is about to be 16yrs old and I couldn't imagine my life without at the time I had 3 children when I began researching surrogacy. I then had another 4 BOYS under the age of 6yrs old! As a compromise to my ex since he thought it was a PHASE I was going through I did egg donation! After all to me all I was donating was HOPE! So much more must "happen" and work for a baby to come from egg donation. I did 4 known egg donation cycles...resulting in 8 babies that I see and have visited and all that fun stuff!! (5 boys/3girls). Anyways, all egg donation did was fuel my fire to be a surrogate. I experienced the pure joy of helping someone have the most amazing gift in the world! Imagine giving someone a gift they always wanted and multiplying that feeling by 100 and you still cant get close to the amazement that comes to ones heart and soul when you help give the gift of LOVE to a parent!

I matched as surrogate through a WONDERFUL lawyer friend of mine (he helped me find my 4 egg donor couples). The couple I helped is amazing and to this day we are closer than family! The girls know I carried them and call me Aunty Katy!

My children also know I carried as a surrogate mom!! THEY ARE SO PROUD OF IT!! They tell EVERYONE they meet I am a SURROGATE MOM!!! My (4th boy was 3yrs old when I became pregnant he is now 10yrs old). ALL my boys know Sue and Ken!

One thing I always try to remind people is that children do NOT have a prejudice of how BABIES come into this world! What we teach them is what they accept. My boys know that parents dont have to carry their babies to be their parents. My kids know that BLOOD doesnt make one family but LOVE does! It is truly amazing to see the "TRUTH" of life in what my kids believe! Surrogacy was one of the most amazing life lessons I could teach them...they learned giving from one's heart and soul is the best gift to give! They learned that LOVE outweighs all other things in this world! How many people have the chance to TRULY teach that to their children through their actions?

My boys also know all my egg donor bubs and again to them it's normal!

I did have to warn all my kids teachers when they are pregnant that my kids will ask "WHO's BABY IS IT? cause to them...just cause you carry a baby doesn't mean it's yours! hehe!

Now there are RISKS...I had 4 easy pregnancies..then my 1st surrogate daughter I was sick the entire 9 months!! Put on meds to prevent me from being sick and gained 85lbs!! (yet still sick the entire time ugghh) went on to have easy birth but her sister a week after transfer we were faced with the HORRORS of life when the egg donor found out she carried a rare (only 44 families in the WHOLE WORLD have) disease and we had to do genetic testing on the baby cause if it was a boy it would have most likely been a FATAL outcome!! So for 13weeks we waited to see if we were going to have to lose a baby! It was stressful and painful and something NONE of us imaged!! But those things happen! As a surrogate the hardest part isnt the pregnancy but the ability to take care of 2 adults who entrust you with their most precious thing in life! THEIR BABY!! It can be stressful cause you can't TURN OFF pregnancy it is 24/7 for 9months..there are things you cant do with your kids ...I missed 6 flags rides and stuff! But to me having the "extra" money was for them allowed me to HELP others and allowed them to be compensated for giving up their mom for 9 months..but really its more like a yr cause of all the testing, meds, dr appts ect!!!

I will tell you that I have several friends now struggling with infertility after being surrogates. We never think it can happen to us. I too had a year of infertility and now am blessed with my little Turtle man who is 9 months old! So she does need to be prepared to accept her fertility might be over cause THINGS CAN HAPPEN!!

I did have my first emergency c-section with my last surrogate daughter. It was a NIGHTMARE!! she came out ARM first and nothing anyone could do. My epidural came out so I went 12hrs without pain meds!

The best advice you can give her is EDUCATE..there are many websites out there..I suggest a year of educating before she begins cause even then she will learn stuff just by going through the process...surrogates get about 1.75 per hr!! (so NO ONE really does it for the money!) there is usually a strong desire to help others as I side I couldnt imagine my life without my children and I couldnt imagine wanting kids your whole life and not being able to have me Karma is big and I felt it was my way of thinking a higher power for giving me the gift of my children!! Sorry if I have missed anything..I know I am jumping all around the place so if you have questions ask!! I know there are a couple more surrogates on here (we all know each other hehe) so I can get them to pipe in too!!!

Surrogacy is truly an amazing journey!!!

Echooo3 Posted 28 Jun 2010 , 4:01pm
post #21 of 22

Katy, thank you for sharing your story. Wow, for someone that didn't think she wanted to have children, you sure did an about face.

I have prayed about this and have turned it over to God's hands. My daughter no longer talks about it. She is very busy right now teaching bible school and her 4YO just started theatrical school today so we having been talking as much as we usually do.

I would love to hear from other surrogates. God bless you all.

KatyJ Posted 30 Jun 2010 , 12:08am
post #22 of 22

I dont really have any opinions about surrogacy, but wanted to say that this post was so helpful to me! I have been thinking about being an egg donor (actually have started the application) and Katy, I think your post just gave me the push I needed to finish the application. I think the Aunty Katy part is what did it, cause (obvious by my forum name) my name is Katy too. And all my boyfriends nieces call me Aunty Katy icon_smile.gif
So, Katy, Thank you!!!

And as I type, I realize I guess I do have an opinion, small though as it may be. I agree that for me its not about the money... I had always had being a donor on the back of my mind for awhile, even maybe being a surrogate one day (though I would wait until I have had children myself). About a month ago, I read a book called "Certain Girls" by Jennifer Weiner and a big part of the book deals with the mom's inability to have children again and her husband wanting to have another child (their current child was from the mom's previous relationship, so he wanted one of their own). As I was reading this novel, it 'lit my fire' to want to help a couple conceive...

For as long as I can remember I've wanted to be a mother. And the egg donation to me is simply wanting to help someone, who cant, realize that dream too. I could not imagine being ready to have a child and finding out that you cant, time and time again. THe idea that I could help a couple get through this pain? O my... it makes me tear up if I really truly think about it. So I guess I just want to say that... for your daughter this could be amazing. Or could be too hard. Its definitely something that she needs to sit down with a physchologist and talk through.

OKay. that's my 1/2 penny of wisdom.
THanks again Aunty Katy, hehe from one Aunty Katy to another!

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