Another Family Situation

Decorating By JohnnyCakes1966 Updated 13 May 2010 , 5:59pm by Singerssoul

JohnnyCakes1966 Posted 9 May 2010 , 7:25pm
post #1 of 32

A casual friend who is getting married just called me in tears. She had previously contacted me about decorating her wedding and groom's cakes. Well, the wedding was being discussed at lunch with the family at her parent's house today, and her sister (who loves to decorate cakes and does all the family events) announces, "Well, you don't have to worry about the cake...Of course I'm doing it as my gift to you." She said it as though it was just assumed she would be doing the cake...She does ALL the family cakes, after all!

Problem is, her sister isn't very good, and I'm being nice. And that explains the bride's tears. She doesn't want her sister to do the cake, but knows it will cause bad feelings if she turns her down...and to make it worse, she would be turning down her sister's gift!

I suggested she tell her sister that she'd already contacted me to do the wedding cake, but that she could do the groom's cake. (I was actually going to offer the groom's cake for free anyway, so no loss of money on my part.) The bride said even that would break her sister's heart, knowing she wasn't asked first...and worse that she was being asked to do the "secondary" cake.

I'm not sure what else to suggest other than to either upset her sister or have an ugly wedding cake. I almost suggested that she tell her sister I had already offered to do the cake as MY gift, but.....I don't want to follow that up by saying, "Of course, I'm NOT, but you could tell her that!!"

Has this happened to anyone else?

31 replies
7yyrt Posted 9 May 2010 , 7:41pm
post #2 of 32

Could she check to see if food from unlicensed sources is allowed? Maybe the venue will give her an out.

JohnnyCakes1966 Posted 9 May 2010 , 7:49pm
post #3 of 32

GREAT idea!! We haven't discussed the details of the wedding/reception other than the date and her wanting me to do the cakes, so I'm not sure where the reception is taking place. That just might be her out! Thanks!

newmansmom2004 Posted 9 May 2010 , 7:51pm
post #4 of 32

Wow - that's a sticky one. Although 7yy has a great suggestion. If food from unlicensed sources is not allowed that takes care of it. Maybe even if it is allowed you could have the friend tell her sister it's not anyway and explain the situation to the venue manager and ask him or her to back you up if it comes up at the wedding??? I know it's being deceiptful, but sometimes a little deceipt saves a lot of hard feelings.

Kitagrl Posted 9 May 2010 , 8:09pm
post #5 of 32

Yep that is awesome, the unlicensed thing...

What about the rehearsal dinner? Some people do groom's cakes for that instead of the wedding. Maybe you guys can work it out to where she does the cake for the rehearsal dinner?

JohnnyCakes1966 Posted 9 May 2010 , 8:34pm
post #6 of 32

I suggested that her sister do the groom's cake, but the bride said she will feel slighted if she isn't allowed to do the "main" cake. I've met her sister before and she's someone who would say, "Ohhh, you don't think I'm GOOD enough to do the wedding cake??!!" The bride said she can just imagine her sister ruining the day by telling everyone at the reception that she wasn't allowed to do the cake and making the day all about her.

I thought I might offer to let her help me with it, but....I don't want her in my way. icon_mad.gif And if I had to go back and fix something I didn't like, she'd probably be offended by that, too. And I can already hear her telling me she knows what she's doing if I offered any advice. So...No. thumbsdown.gif

I think the only options are:
to have an ugly cake thumbsdown.gif
to hurt her feelings icon_cry.gif
to hope the venue doesn't allow unlicensed food thumbs_up.gif
or...to practice a little deceit icon_evil.gif

cakes47 Posted 9 May 2010 , 9:19pm
post #7 of 32

Hi ~ How about just tell her that she hired someone to do the cakes because
#1 - they'd be large and ''fancy'' cakes and #2 - didn't want her to be stressed
doing up the cakes & wanted her to feel relaxed and just the enjoy the wedding.

jillmakescakes Posted 10 May 2010 , 1:41am
post #8 of 32

TRUST ME, if sis is a bridesmaid, she almost definitely will not have time to worry about a wedding cake that day. I did my friend's wedding cake and was a bridesmaid and it was so difficult. The venue only has certain times available for delivery and chances are really good that it will clash with a hair appointment or other wedding related items.

Otherwise, sis is just gonna have to bite the bullet and tell her that she isn't doing the wedding cake.

mamawrobin Posted 10 May 2010 , 2:15am
post #9 of 32

You said that her sister makes all of the cakes for the family. This means that they don't usually buy cakes right? Could it be that after speaking with you and finding out that cakes cost X amount of $$'s that the discussion "at her parent's house at lunch" actually went like this?

BRIDE: so and so said that she would charge $$$ to do the cake icon_eek.gif but she's throwing in the groom's cake at no extra charge. icon_lol.gificon_rolleyes.gif
FAMILY: ? icon_surprised.gificon_eek.gif WHAT?? icon_eek.gificon_surprised.gif
SISTER: I'll do your cake as my gift and you can save that money! Can you believe that people charge that much for cake? icon_surprised.gif
Just call and tell her that I was planning on doing the cakes as my gift to you but you didn't know.

Just a "what if" for you to consider. You said that her sister always makes all of the cakes for the family. Did it not occur to her that the sister would assume that she would be making the wedding cake as well? I don't know but since she was firm with you about there being no way that she could get out of letting her sister do the cake I just am reading more between the lines than what she's actually telling you.

7yyrt Posted 12 May 2010 , 5:04pm
post #10 of 32

JohnnyCakes1966,
just saw your post on another thread regarding what sounded like this situation.

Did the venue veto the sisters cake?

metria Posted 12 May 2010 , 5:39pm
post #11 of 32

the bride could insist that she doesn't want her sister having to worry about something huge like a wedding cake. a bride needs her sister available to attend to her on her big day. she could load up her sister with other tasks instead. suggest she make a cake for the rehearsal dinner instead. let the caterers and cakers deal with the wedding stuff and everyone can try to relax and enjoy themselves. i hope this helps! i would hate to offend a family member. honestly i would try to avoid having family do anything for the actual wedding. it's a lot of work and i would rather them enjoy themselves.

indydebi Posted 12 May 2010 , 6:19pm
post #12 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by JohnnyCakes1966

I suggested that her sister do the groom's cake, but the bride said she will feel slighted if she isn't allowed to do the "main" cake. I've met her sister before and she's someone who would say, "Ohhh, you don't think I'm GOOD enough to do the wedding cake??!!"


You know what .. contrary to what sis thinks, this day isn't all about HER! Goodness, if bride can't stand up to her own sister, can you imagine what her life with her INLAWS will be? icon_eek.gificon_lol.gif

When I got married, the only family in the wedding party were my children, because I wanted my family to sit back and enjoy my wedding, not work my wedding. So it's not unusual for a bride to be considerate of her family (even if her family isn't considerate of her feelings on HER wedding day! icon_mad.gif ).

At some point in her life, bride will need to grow a backbone. She might as well get her growth spurt now.

cheatize Posted 12 May 2010 , 11:52pm
post #13 of 32

That's my thinking, too. I have 3 sisters and we sure don't hesitate to speak our minds to each other. They should stop babying her. If she plays the, "oh, you don't think I do good work" garbage, I'd tell her flat out, "that's what I think. You're good enough for family cakes but not yet good enough for the perfection required for a wedding cake."

Heck, I've been at this for 2 years and I know I'm not wedding cake material yet. I'd tell a bride that straight up. My friend's children are starting to get married and I'm not offended at all that they haven't breathed a word to me about the cake. I assume they don't want to offend me, but what they don't realize is that I wouldn't be offended at all. I'd give them all sorts of tips about how to choose a baker.

Anyway, the family drama isn't your problem. Tell the bride to get back to you when it's all over.

cookiedecorator Posted 13 May 2010 , 12:13am
post #14 of 32

Since the bride can't stand up for herself, maybe she should tell the sister she already put down a non-refundable deposit on the wedding cakes. In this economy no one wants to lose money they don't have! Maybe that will get the sister to back down. Besides she needs to get over herself...it's her sister's day and she should have what she wants.

indydebi Posted 13 May 2010 , 12:27am
post #15 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by cookiedecorator

Since the bride can't stand up for herself, maybe she should tell the sister she already put down a non-refundable deposit on the wedding cakes. In this economy no one wants to lose money they don't have! Maybe that will get the sister to back down. Besides she needs to get over herself...it's her sister's day and she should have what she wants.



Since I come from a long line of Jerry Springer type of people (there's a REASON I live 75 miles away from them all!) let me suggest that sis will still turn this around by spreading the story about how the bride was so STUPID as to put down a deposit "...when she KNOWS I would make the cake for free!"

Sis will still make it all about her.

I'm kind of the nip it in the bud type of person. Backbone. Grow One. Just tell her.

Jenny0730 Posted 13 May 2010 , 12:37am
post #16 of 32

I would use the venue as an out, regardless of whether or not they have that policy. I would just tell them you are using them as an out (in case she decides to call and ask them.)

It reminds me of the nurses that will kick your family out of the delivery room when they can't take the hint and leave on their own.

cookiedecorator Posted 13 May 2010 , 3:55am
post #17 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi

Quote:
Originally Posted by cookiedecorator

Since the bride can't stand up for herself, maybe she should tell the sister she already put down a non-refundable deposit on the wedding cakes. In this economy no one wants to lose money they don't have! Maybe that will get the sister to back down. Besides she needs to get over herself...it's her sister's day and she should have what she wants.


Since I come from a long line of Jerry Springer type of people (there's a REASON I live 75 miles away from them all!) let me suggest that sis will still turn this around by spreading the story about how the bride was so STUPID as to put down a deposit "...when she KNOWS I would make the cake for free!"

Sis will still make it all about her.

I'm kind of the nip it in the bud type of person. Backbone. Grow One. Just tell her.




LOL!! That's great! Grow a backbone or have an ugly cake...it's totally up to the bride at this point. She just needs to remember that the ugly cake will be imortalized in wedding pictures for years to come.

helsbels Posted 13 May 2010 , 4:21am
post #18 of 32

I have a similar situation with my daughters wedding. We decided regardless of whatever talent or lack of talent (lol) a family member might have we are not using family "services" for any of the wedding. The only job they have is to come and enjoy. The bride might want to try this approach because short of brutal honesty that may be a way out of a sticky situation. icon_sad.gif

Pitchers_Bakery Posted 13 May 2010 , 4:51am
post #19 of 32

im sorry but I love my wedding photos, because my flowers, cake, dress, etc were all store bought, no one in my family was allowed to make any of my items. Personally, I wanted the perfect day for my husband and I. If the bride wants the same, she needs to step up and say no thanks. My mother had a really close friend, and yes she attended my wedding, and she makes cakes, but in the time that ive been making cakes, i have surpass this ladies talent, lets just say she is still into the star tip (AHHH). Anyways, she offered, but I told her I simply was going with a baker my sister used for her wedding. It was as simple as that. I have to say I agree with indydebi on this one, she just needs to grow a backbone, and stand up for what she wants on her day. AHHGGG these people seriously just need to stop whining and grow up!

j_arney Posted 13 May 2010 , 4:55pm
post #20 of 32

I just made my sister's wedding cake last weekend. It was a desitnation wedding, but we had a rental house for the whole week. Not only was I the baker, but I was the maid of honor. So I can attest that it's NO FUN being the baker and the MOH. They all wanted to stay up late drinking and having fun, but I was in the kitchen. I wouldn't do it again. Tell her that you didn't want to burden her and wanted her to enjoy the wedding. I was nervous up until the cake was served. What if it fell apart and all the guests saw that my cake was a distaster? Thankfully nothing happened, but it was a huge stress that I shouldn't have put on myself. Maybe she'll understand that? Good luck!!

adonisthegreek1 Posted 13 May 2010 , 5:09pm
post #21 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi

...At some point in her life, bride will need to grow a backbone. She might as well get her growth spurt now.




I couldn't have said it better. The bride gets it her way. It's her special day...period! If you don't learn to stand your ground, people will walk all over you again and again.

Butterpatty Posted 13 May 2010 , 5:16pm
post #22 of 32

How about "darling, I love you a bunch and thank you for offering, but I already have the cake deal covered. How about helping me with -xyz-"?

Then if and when she starts whining to all that will listen about you not letting her make the cake, just say something mean like "oh, I couldn't let you do the cake. I knew it would wear you out and you would be whining about it for days" with a sweet smile. Us Southern women are very good at saying something mean and doing it with a smile so that you are not sure if we are sorta joking or sorta serious icon_biggrin.gif .

indydebi Posted 13 May 2010 , 5:18pm
post #23 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by Butterpatty

Us Southern women are very good at saying something mean and doing it with a smile..... .


That proves it! I KNEW I had southern in me somewhere! icon_rolleyes.gificon_biggrin.gif

kake4me2 Posted 13 May 2010 , 5:21pm
post #24 of 32

My sister offered to do my cake, and I was so happy to save the money! However my mom(who was paying anyways) nixed that idea quick! Her words..."You and your sister want to enjoy the day and not be stressed about how the cake turns out"
I realize now it was Mom code for "If you think I'm gonna rely on your sisters home baking skills to do such an important cake, you got another thing coming!"
Unfortunatley the baker we went with did not deliver the cake we ordered...but that is another story! icon_cry.gif

Leave it to the professionals and triple check they've got it right before the big day!!!

Bluehue Posted 13 May 2010 , 5:26pm
post #25 of 32

God forbid that the bride not have a say about HER cake on HER wedding day. icon_confused.gificon_rolleyes.gif

Perhaps you should phone the delightful sister *cough* and say -
"i hear that you were a tad confused over who is making your sisters wedding cake? No need for confusion - its all sorted - we have discussed exactely what i shall be making"
Ohhh and i look forward to seeing the creation you make for the grooms cake.......


Another case of *my sisters wedding day is all about meeeeee* icon_rolleyes.gif

Why are people so scared to be open and honest with family?
Is it because *the family* might have their feelings hurt icon_confused.gif
Someone hs to stand up and say - let the bride decide - its her day.


Bluehue

indydebi Posted 13 May 2010 , 5:32pm
post #26 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluehue

Why are people so scared to be open and honest with family? Is it because *the family* might have their feelings hurt icon_confused.gif


Good one!

It's always amazing to me how the mindset is "gee, I don't want to hurt THEIR feelings!" even tho' it seems to be perfectly ok for the family to act like an ass and hurt everyone else's feelings! I just refuse to travel on that one-way street anymore.

kake4me2 Posted 13 May 2010 , 5:42pm
post #27 of 32

Someone need to come up with a word for the opposite of a Bridezilla!! icon_biggrin.gif

Ivy383 Posted 13 May 2010 , 5:44pm
post #28 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamawrobin

You said that her sister makes all of the cakes for the family. This means that they don't usually buy cakes right? Could it be that after speaking with you and finding out that cakes cost X amount of $$'s that the discussion "at her parent's house at lunch" actually went like this?

BRIDE: so and so said that she would charge $$$ to do the cake icon_eek.gif but she's throwing in the groom's cake at no extra charge. icon_lol.gificon_rolleyes.gif
FAMILY: ? icon_surprised.gificon_eek.gif WHAT?? icon_eek.gificon_surprised.gif
SISTER: I'll do your cake as my gift and you can save that money! Can you believe that people charge that much for cake? icon_surprised.gif
Just call and tell her that I was planning on doing the cakes as my gift to you but you didn't know.

Just a "what if" for you to consider. You said that her sister always makes all of the cakes for the family. Did it not occur to her that the sister would assume that she would be making the wedding cake as well? I don't know but since she was firm with you about there being no way that she could get out of letting her sister do the cake I just am reading more between the lines than what she's actually telling you.




I agree with this thumbs_up.gif Gives you something to think about. detective.gif

Bluehue Posted 13 May 2010 , 5:45pm
post #29 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bluehue

Why are people so scared to be open and honest with family? Is it because *the family* might have their feelings hurt icon_confused.gif

Good one!

It's always amazing to me how the mindset is "gee, I don't want to hurt THEIR feelings!" even tho' it seems to be perfectly ok for the family to act like an ass and hurt everyone else's feelings! I just refuse to travel on that one-way street anymore.




thumbs_up.gif -
i believe in just saying it as it is ...with a smile - that way everybody knows where they stand - and if tissues are needed i will run and get them - and even hand them out. icon_lol.gificon_lol.gif

Hmmmm, i wonder if the sister has actually had HER wedding day yet?

Interesting thought.


Bluehue.

mamawrobin Posted 13 May 2010 , 5:49pm
post #30 of 32
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ivy383

Quote:
Originally Posted by mamawrobin

You said that her sister makes all of the cakes for the family. This means that they don't usually buy cakes right? Could it be that after speaking with you and finding out that cakes cost X amount of $$'s that the discussion "at her parent's house at lunch" actually went like this?

BRIDE: so and so said that she would charge $$$ to do the cake icon_eek.gif but she's throwing in the groom's cake at no extra charge. icon_lol.gificon_rolleyes.gif
FAMILY: ? icon_surprised.gificon_eek.gif WHAT?? icon_eek.gificon_surprised.gif
SISTER: I'll do your cake as my gift and you can save that money! Can you believe that people charge that much for cake? icon_surprised.gif
Just call and tell her that I was planning on doing the cakes as my gift to you but you didn't know.

Just a "what if" for you to consider. You said that her sister always makes all of the cakes for the family. Did it not occur to her that the sister would assume that she would be making the wedding cake as well? I don't know but since she was firm with you about there being no way that she could get out of letting her sister do the cake I just am reading more between the lines than what she's actually telling you.



I agree with this thumbs_up.gif Gives you something to think about. detective.gif




Yeah..makes you wonder... icon_lol.gif

Quote by @%username% on %date%

%body%