What Would You Do With This Situation??

Business By korkyo Updated 9 May 2010 , 4:41pm by Lita829

korkyo Posted 6 May 2010 , 12:24am
post #1 of 17

I have an aquantiance... friend of my sister that is planning on getting married. The man she is with abuses her. As in ----shoved her head through the fish tank type violence. She is stupid enough to still be there even after that. Does not think she has a way out.

The point is I REALLY don't want to do their wedding cake even if she is a paying customer. I don't want him in my house for a consult. I can't stand the thought of speaking to him for fear of what may come out of my mouth. I'm thinking I may just not be available... for any date.

I know it's not professional but I don't think I care in this situation.

What would you do?

16 replies
mamawrobin Posted 6 May 2010 , 12:41am
post #2 of 17

If you feel that strongly about it then don't do it.

GGFan Posted 6 May 2010 , 12:44am
post #3 of 17

I think I'll do the same. You are busy on that day unless you want to help out the bride then you could just work with her. If he is that bad, maybe he might not drag his lazy a_ _ to you house. I feel sorry for the bride. There are so many fish in the sea. I would rather be single. Good Luck!!

PattyT Posted 6 May 2010 , 12:50am
post #4 of 17

It's a very sad situation - but it's also extremely delicate as you cannot impose your feelings on them. I sympathize with your position.

I only do cakes for friends and family so my heart is 100% in every cake I make - I don't think I could do it if I didn't care something for the people on the receiving end.

However, the "Libra" in me sees the other side of the scale. Business is business - you don't have to like all your customers...golly some of the stories of awful customers I've read here have proven that!

If you are really uncomfortable, can you be already booked that date??

If not, could you focus on the bride and making her day as happy as possible. It sounds like she needs it.

Kitagrl Posted 6 May 2010 , 12:55am
post #5 of 17

I guess you can either be booked...or you can like someone else said, try to help give her a happy day as it may be the last one she has, by the sound of it.

That's terrible. icon_sad.gif

Mrs-A Posted 6 May 2010 , 12:57am
post #6 of 17

as its your sisters friend (meaning she isnt your friend but a friend of a friend type thing) i would keep it professional and just say that you were not available that day.

sadly some people need to hit rock bottom before they realize they have to get out - i hope this bride isnt one of them.

Amanda621 Posted 6 May 2010 , 1:03am
post #7 of 17

I don't think it's unprofessional at all. People turn down orders everyday b/c they don't feel comfortable doing them. Usually they are not comfortable with the design or the techniques required, but either way, they don't do them because they are uncomfortable. You are not comfortable working with this couple, so...don't. You dont have to do anything you dont want to.

I wouldn't tell them that you don't approve of their marriage, just do exactly what you said, tell them you're busy.

I must say though...Good for you for not wanting to "encourage" this relationship. I hope she wises up before the wedding!

Lita829 Posted 6 May 2010 , 1:06am
post #8 of 17

Hopefully the bride will wake up, realize her worth, and leave the SOB before he REALLY hurts her. Take it from someone who was once in an abusive relationship....if he hits you once and you don't make an exit, it WILL happen again...and again...and again. Many women think that getting married or having children will make it better. I have never been married and have never been pregnant because (A) I didn't want to be legally tied to my abuser and (B) I knew that the stress of parenthood would only make the abuse worse. Or even worse, he'd start beating up my kids.

Sorry for the long monologue but I do empathize with your situation. I personally think that men who beat on women are cowards. They'd probably run with their tails between their legs if a man was to get in their face. Anyway, if she doesn't wake up and decides to marry the loser after all...I agree with PattyT...do it for HER. God knows...she is going to need all the kindness she can get...even if you do disapprove of the union.

sarawaldmann Posted 6 May 2010 , 1:11am
post #9 of 17

You reserve the right to choose which cakes to take on and which ones to turn down. Forget about being viewed as "professional". You have integrity. Instead of quietly going along and ignoring the serious nature of the situation at hand, you are letting it be known that you do not condone his behavior and will not support it in any way. You are the only one who can decide what to say to them and how you want to handle it. I, personally, would flat out say that I didn't want to make their cake because I don't support her decision to marry a man like that. It may sound harsh. My sister married an abusive man, and I just quietly "kept my nose out of their business". I wish I had voiced my opinion. As much as I love my niece, it may have saved my sister from an unhappy 5 year marriage and a nasty divorce. To you, I say Bravo! You have a backbone! I hope this helps you in some way. Good luck!

Adevag Posted 6 May 2010 , 2:30am
post #10 of 17
Quote:
Originally Posted by korkyo

The man she is with abuses her. As in ----shoved her head through the fish tank type violence. She is stupid enough to still be there even after that.




Not sure how well you know your sister's friend. I just wanted to make a quick comment about her being "stupid enough." Maybe she is marrying him in fear of what would happen if she left him. So maybe instead of calling her stupid, she might just be scared.
It's easy for people from the outside to see an abusive situation in the right perspective, remember she might be very manipulated and too controlled to know what is right or wrong. I just also think it's a sad situation...

edited for typos

ChRiStY_71 Posted 6 May 2010 , 2:52am
post #11 of 17

Very sad situation...good luck in making your decision...and here's hoping that she sees the light and gets out the relationship!

korkyo Posted 6 May 2010 , 12:28pm
post #12 of 17

I think I'm just going to hold out hope that she does not marry him.

costumeczar Posted 6 May 2010 , 10:43pm
post #13 of 17

If it was me, and she asked me to do the cake, I'd not only tell her that I wouldn't do it, I'd tell her that I wouldn't do it because her fiance is abusive and I didn't want to be a part of a wedding of someone marrying an abusive person. I'd also tell her that if she needed anything as far as information about leaving abusive relationships I would be glad to help her find it. She'd probably be really mad at me for pointing it out but so what? Maybe she needs to hear someone else say it's unacceptable before she can start thinking about it in that way.

Cakepro Posted 9 May 2010 , 3:51pm
post #14 of 17
Quote:
Originally Posted by costumeczar

If it was me, and she asked me to do the cake, I'd not only tell her that I wouldn't do it, I'd tell her that I wouldn't do it because her fiance is abusive and I didn't want to be a part of a wedding of someone marrying an abusive person. I'd also tell her that if she needed anything as far as information about leaving abusive relationships I would be glad to help her find it. She'd probably be really mad at me for pointing it out but so what? Maybe she needs to hear someone else say it's unacceptable before she can start thinking about it in that way.




That's exactly what I'd do too.

glow0369 Posted 9 May 2010 , 4:05pm
post #15 of 17

ditto

newmansmom2004 Posted 9 May 2010 , 4:09pm
post #16 of 17
Quote:
Originally Posted by sarawaldmann

You reserve the right to choose which cakes to take on and which ones to turn down. Forget about being viewed as "professional". You have integrity.




Agree with this 100%. Although, you HAVE to be careful about telling them you don't want to do it because of his behavior. You don't know how he'll react or how far he'll go if he gets angry over that. He could take it out on you or he could take it out on the fiance. Neither of you should pay for his heinous behavior. Does he know that you (and probably others) know he slammed her head thru the fish tank? If not, and he finds out the fiance has told people, that could endanger her more.

It's a very sad and obviously volatile situation. I think I'd just say I wasn't available and leave it at that.

Lita829 Posted 9 May 2010 , 4:41pm
post #17 of 17
Quote:
Originally Posted by newmansmom2004

Quote:
Originally Posted by sarawaldmann

You reserve the right to choose which cakes to take on and which ones to turn down. Forget about being viewed as "professional". You have integrity.



Agree with this 100%. Although, you HAVE to be careful about telling them you don't want to do it because of his behavior. You don't know how he'll react or how far he'll go if he gets angry over that. He could take it out on you or he could take it out on the fiance. Neither of you should pay for his heinous behavior. Does he know that you (and probably others) know he slammed her head thru the fish tank? If not, and he finds out the fiance has told people, that could endanger her more.

It's a very sad and obviously volatile situation. I think I'd just say I wasn't available and leave it at that.




I agree with you, Newmansmom2004. It is easy to judge someone elses behavior until you find yourself in the same predicament. I NEVER thought I'd wind up in an abusive situation...even though I witnessed it as a child (my uncle was one...I actually think he hates women)...statistics, statistics, statistics...SOMETIMES they are right (but not all the time but that is another discussion). Anyway....these women often stay because of financial reasons, lack of education, and/or they just don't have anyone else who gives a damn about them. Their abuser usually alienates them from family and friends in order to gain complete control over them. You do have to be careful not to enrage him by telling him or her that your reason not for doing the cake is because of his behavior. He could quite possibly take it out on her and you might be making a cake for a wake instead of a wedding.

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