Does Anyone Else Feel This Way?!?!

Lounge By Mel2085 Updated 6 May 2010 , 1:16am by tesso

Mel2085 Posted 9 Apr 2010 , 4:38am
post #1 of 27

This is my first time posting in "The Lounge" but I just need to get something off my chest before I explode....and it be at my hubby!

I babysit a 9 month old as my job....5 days a week, my husband is a HS science teacher, so needless to say at the end of our days we are both tired! Well he is on Spring Break this week and I have asked him all week if he could just do a load of laundry here and there to help out since he isn't working this week. But instead he has gone fishing 3 days already and today he didn't go anywhere....I found out Wed. night that he didn't have anything planned and that he was going to stay home on Thursday, so I made him a short (seriously 5 things) to do list. Now mine on the other hand is 26 things! I am having a Tastefully Simple Party at my house Friday at 7....So I asked him to

1. unload the dishwasher
2. sort all the dirty clothes into 4 different catagories
3. Go to the post office and get stamps and drop off a letter
4. Clean the living room start to finish
5. fold the laundry that is sitting in baskets on our couch (which may or may not have been there for 3 days already!!

I get home from work and the only things that have been done are the dishwasher was unloaded and the clothes were separated! He started cleaning up the living room...but hadn't dusted and vacuumed! I had also put a little note on the top of his to do list that said that I needed this stuff done so I could get my list done.....

So when I get home from work and see that he has made a pile of stuff in the kitchen of stuff "he didn't know where it went" I was slightly put off by that but I thought well at least he got the stuff I asked done.....Then as he is sitting on the couch drinking a beer he tells me he needs a break because he is so tired....and I then thanked him for doing the work I asked and he he goes oh I didn't get it all done...I forgot to get stamps, and I didn't dust of vacume yet....So I think okay I am going to go clean upstairs and maybe he will get the living room done....I come down about 30 min. later and there he is still sitting doing nothing! So I start doing the rest of his stuff so I can then finish my work...which was the kitchen! After I have moved almost all the furniture to vacuume under he says "oh here I will do that" I serously wanted to just scream!!

Needless to say I needed a break from that and the baking....oh yeah did i forget to mention I am doing 3 dozen baby shower cup cakes that are being picked up tomorrow night BEFORE my tastefully simple party....which means I am going to be up all night.....UGH!!!!

I am just really frustrated right now because I feel like I get no help around the house....I come home from work and start dinner, then clean up after dinner and then clean the house!! While he is either watching TV or on the internet! Yes he does help....but maybe 2 times a week....I am so tired of it and I've said things to him but it changes for a few weeks then back to the same old same old!

Should I just give up and stop asking for help and just do it all my by self?!?

26 replies
SugarFrosted Posted 9 Apr 2010 , 5:37am
post #2 of 27

Bill Cosby once did a comedy routine in which he said (I'm paraphrasing here) "Husbands who are asked to do chores often do such a bad job on purpose that the wife NEVER asks again, and that was the husband's plan all along."

Personally, I believe some people *cough*MEN*cough* don't SEE dirt like dust or stuff on the carpet.

I am not the world's best housekeeper...I have better things to do with my time. If something needs to be done, I do it. But my husband had better NOT mention it to me, because I will tell him where the tool is that needs to be used to do it. The "tool" is usually the man standing in front of me who had the nerve to tell me this or that needs cleaning. I have given up on my husband doing anything around our house. He does a terrible job when asked, so if something needs doing, I just do it myself.

You could do what I did...just stop. He does his own laundry because he complained about how I did it. So I stopped.

He knew that dinner was served at the same time every day, but to let me know at least a day ahead of time if he would be busy with something like a scout meeting (he was a scoutmaster) or if he had some other thing. I understand about emergencies.

BUT...3 times in a two week period he and our son were in the house while I prepared dinner and each time, I said, "dinner's ready in about 15 minutes" to which my "husbum" replied "oh. we're leaving in 5 minutes, we won't be here, we have a (scouts, band, taekwondo) meeting. We'll grab a pizza." All 3 occasions were things HE knew about but did NOT tell me. I'd cooked for 3 people, and ate alone. So I stopped...I quit cooking. I said "Plenty of food in the house. Make it yourself."

Our son went off to college, and has an apt of his own now. My husbum is either at work or one of his other activities. And I cook for me. I am diabetic and need to eat on a fairly strict schedule, so I eat at the same time every day. Occasionally I offer some, of whatever I have cooked, to my husbum. He always declines. I guess because he thinks I will ask him to clean up after himself. And he's right.

Mrs-A Posted 9 Apr 2010 , 6:42am
post #3 of 27

our household is a kickback to the old days... the only thing my hubby does it take out the garbage and... hmmmmm.. yep, thats about it and thats how i trained him - i like it that way. despite me working longer hours and making more money, we have a very old fashion traditional homelife.

i will say though.. i think training hubbys is like training puppies. if hubby does something for me (ie, actually get his dirty clothes in the hamper and not the bathtub right next to it) i have to compliment him about half a dozen times and he gets all smiley and keeps doing it. i think women as a general rule always end up doing too much - its in our nature to be do'ers i think

indydebi Posted 9 Apr 2010 , 6:59am
post #4 of 27

Didn't you know? When a MAN has a day off, it's suppose to be "a day off". But when a woman has a day off, it's the time she can catch up on all the stuff that no one helps her with during the week!

I've been sick for 2 weeks. Missed a week of school. Comatose for 2 days due to meds. Sick. Really. Sick.

Yesterday I asked, "How come if mom is sick, suddenly NOBODY can remember how to load the dishwasher!?"

Since the day we got married, he does his laundry and I do mine. I would ask "What do you want for supper?" He'd reply, "whatever you feel like fixing." To which I'd respond, "Well, I dont' feel like fixing anything, so that's what we're having." He quickly found out I wasn't kidding. There is NO law that says if HE'S hungry then *I* have to cook!

I refuse to share a bathroom with him because I refuse to clean up man-mess. Not my bathroom ... not my mess .. I'm not cleaning it. That one took him four months to take me serious. It took him 6 hours to clean that bathroom. Hmmmm..... magically, he figured out how to rinse out the sink after shaving so the shaving cream and little hairs wouldn't DRY OUT on the sink making it IMPOSSIBLE to clean!

(And how the hell do you get toothpaste on the mirror anyway!? That one just ticks me off in general! I dont' SPIT at the mirror when I'm brushing my teeth!)

Loucinda Posted 9 Apr 2010 , 11:49am
post #5 of 27
Quote:
Quote:

(And how the hell do you get toothpaste on the mirror anyway!? That one just ticks me off in general! I dont' SPIT at the mirror when I'm brushing my teeth!)




This one made me laugh outloud this morning!! I thought I was the only one who had the toothpaste on the mirror problem!! icon_lol.gif Maybe that is something guys are born knowing how to do???

Tiffany29 Posted 9 Apr 2010 , 11:58am
post #6 of 27

I can understand where you are coming from.
The only thing that my DH does without me asking him to is, roll the trash can to the end of the driveway on friday morning before work. (must be so hard!)
If I want anything else done RIGHT, I do it myself. If I need him to do something I have to spell it out and be specific, because somehow the simpilest things can make him lose his common sence. He is completely oblivious to the thing that need to be done.
When mine is off, he's off. His ass never leaves the couch! The only thing he sees is the T.V or computer screen. (If he isn't napping!!!)
I am pissed at my DH (d- standing for dumb) right now. Yesterday he got off work @ noon. By 3pm he's napping until 7:30.
For dinner I had slow roasted a pot roast all freaking day and when he got up he had the nerve to look at it with disgust and "huh!" like a 2 yr old. So I refuse to cook. We'll see how he likes that, and the silent treatment. It drives him absolutely crazy, but it doesn't bother me a bit!! icon_twisted.gif

TexasSugar Posted 9 Apr 2010 , 1:34pm
post #7 of 27

Okay not married here, so take what I say from an unmarried woman.

Has your husband always been like this? If he has always expected you to do the house work and you always have, why in the world would he change now? Plus you just taught him that if he doesn't finish his short list you will.

That isn't saying he shouldn't help out around the house. But I think IndyDebi has the right idea. You have to not only say something, but also show you are serious about it. Men, nor women, are not mind readers and I truely believe that comunication is the key to a relationship. Yes hubby should 'know' that you need help around the house. And he should 'know' that when you gave him a list he should have finished it. And he should have 'known better than to sit there while you vacumned.

But instead of telling him that you weren't happy that he didn't do his part you continued on with yours AND then did his. At any point, did you ask him to get you and help you? (Yes he should have done so with out you asking, but...) Or did you tell him how you were feeling? Or did you just carry on and silently stew about it the whole time you were doing your and his chores?

Silently stewing gets you nothing but a headache, a pissed off mood and no change with the situation going on. Believe me I know. I've been really good at this myself. I think it goes along with the women are people pleasers and in the end we just do things even though we don't want to just to make the other person happy or we feel like because we are the woman the house work is our job, blah, blah, blah.

I have decided that it isn't worth losing my happiness to make someone else happy any more.

If both people in the home work outside then you need to sit down and divide up chores. Or decide which way is best for your household. But over all you need to let hubby know what you are thinking about all of this, preferably in a calmer manner. Calm usually gets more results than coming at someone screaming, screaming just causes the other person to get defensive and it is then a waste to argue.

Doug Posted 9 Apr 2010 , 1:46pm
post #8 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by Loucinda

Quote:
Quote:

(And how the hell do you get toothpaste on the mirror anyway!? That one just ticks me off in general! I dont' SPIT at the mirror when I'm brushing my teeth!)



This one made me laugh outloud this morning!! I thought I was the only one who had the toothpaste on the mirror problem!! icon_lol.gif Maybe that is something guys are born knowing how to do???




the secret -- brush with your mouth OPEN -- and an electric toothbrush makes it even more fun! icon_rolleyes.gif

Kellpepper Posted 9 Apr 2010 , 4:40pm
post #9 of 27

My Huggie of 1 yr walked out of the bedroom last week and was looking around strangly. He said he had a dream that he woke up and I was packing. Gonna leave him. When he asked why...I told him I had found a better cook! LMAO

He does 99% of the cooking and kitchen clean up. Even my cake mess. xoxo

I do the laundry.

Since we dont have kids at home, the rest gets done when one of us feels like it. (Thank God we are not hoarders or slobs!!)

To the OP, there was a time when I had 5 kids at home, ran an in home daycare, went to school full-time, took care of my ex's bookwork, and my ex was only home 1.5 days a week. I would trade anything to have it all (but my ex) back.

Elcee Posted 9 Apr 2010 , 10:51pm
post #10 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi

I refuse to share a bathroom with him




Funny...I've been married 26 years and always tell people the key to a happy marriage is separate bathrooms and separate checking accounts. icon_smile.gif

I don't do his laundry either. icon_biggrin.gif

catlharper Posted 10 Apr 2010 , 1:01am
post #11 of 27

Mine quickly learned the connection between helping around the house and sex. I didn't threaten, didn't tell him no...just said that I was too tired after (insert work list here) and just didn't have any energy for anything else. Took him about six weeks before he finally figured it out...if I'm not getting help then he ain't getting anything either. LOL! But, seriously, we can NOT do it all. If you can't find a round about way to get the point across then you are going to have to have a sit down and hammer out who does what. You are both working full time, you both dirty the house/clothes/dishes and you both need to be cleaning it up. If you take over everything trust me the only thing that will grow in that relationship is resentment, not love.

Shelle_75 Posted 10 Apr 2010 , 2:03am
post #12 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by catlharper

Mine quickly learned the connection between helping around the house and sex. I didn't threaten, didn't tell him no...just said that I was too tired after (insert work list here) and just didn't have any energy for anything else. Took him about six weeks before he finally figured it out...if I'm not getting help then he ain't getting anything either. LOL! But, seriously, we can NOT do it all. If you can't find a round about way to get the point across then you are going to have to have a sit down and hammer out who does what. You are both working full time, you both dirty the house/clothes/dishes and you both need to be cleaning it up. If you take over everything trust me the only thing that will grow in that relationship is resentment, not love.




Mine finally figured out (after 15 years) that the best foreplay is for him to do the damn dishes! Without me asking him to!!

mrspriss0912 Posted 10 Apr 2010 , 4:19pm
post #13 of 27

and here I thought I was the only one!!!! DH just went back to work after nine months .... At the end of the first week he informed me that he was going to need for me a DD to help him out by doing the yard work and taking off the garbage every week WTF??!!!???! I already work 40 + hrs a week and do the cooking,cleaning, ect you all know the endless list anyway now he wants me do to more since he has a job? I thought the roof was going to fly off my house just as a result of my blood pressure when he proposed this .... then this week he enlighted me to the fact that he thought that we should continue to "live" off of my paycheck so he could use his to pay off some bills he has Oh Yeah sure let me continue supporting your A** while you take your pay and play with it I dont think so!!!!
Why in the world do we let them do this too us ?

Mel2085 Posted 10 Apr 2010 , 4:20pm
post #14 of 27

Thanks everyone.....I sat down and talked with my hubby last night. I couldn't say anything to him on Thursday night because if I would have I would have spouted something off that would have been hurtful and that doesn't work. I have the personality of both my parents....I am like my dad in the fact I let everything build up until I can't take it anymore but that is only because I am like my mother and if I say say something right away I am going to say something out of anger and be hurtful and mean.

So we sat down Friday after (an hour before everyone was supposed be here) because I couldn't take it anymore!! And we hashed things out and we are good now!! He told me he didn't realize I felt that way and that he will make a conscious effort to help out around the house because he doesn't want us to do our own laundry and our own dishes and do everything on our own. And he said we need to figure out a routine before we have kids because if not aren't going to be the happy parents we want to be!

Thanks for letting me vent and get that off my chest!!!! Y'all are great!

shelbur10 Posted 11 Apr 2010 , 12:28pm
post #15 of 27

Good for you for having that conversation, and, for your sake, I really hope he sticks to it. My DH will help with the cleaning, but I have to nag nag nag to get anything done. I have to pay all the bills because he will 'forget', and there are certain chores that he won't do because he says that he never does them good enough for me. How freakin' hard is it to sweep a floor, I ask? I think a lot of it stems from how we were raised...in my household, we all chipped in with housework, even if my mom wasn't working. In his, his mom did everything, or it didn't get done (and a lot didn't get done...) My philosophy is that we all live here, we all made the mess, we will ALL clean it up together. Even the smallest child can help. It ticks me off when he's being a turd about it because not only is that more work for me, but he's setting a really crappy example for our kids. We have those heart to heart talks about it every couple of months, but it still remains the biggest (really the only) problem in our marriage. He KNOWS he should be helping me, but bottom line is he's just lazy and he doesn't care that much if the house is a mess, so he will ignore it if I let him.

pinky73 Posted 5 May 2010 , 4:14pm
post #16 of 27

IndiDebi..."man-mess"....oh my god that is funny!!

jammjenks Posted 5 May 2010 , 4:25pm
post #17 of 27

Looks like you have it under control now. Wonderful!

Now, just stick to it. Whatever his duties are, let him do them even if you want to step in and take over.

mamawrobin Posted 5 May 2010 , 8:35pm
post #18 of 27

My grandmother always said "if you want something said, you ask a man. If you want something done, you ask a woman."

My husband would live in a DUMP if he lived alone. He doesn't have a clue how to take care of a home. I've raised my boys better than that. They are going to make good husbands one of these days. I have two that are already married and their wives have told me that they do as much work around the house as they do. My MIL never even taught her boys how to make their own bed icon_lol.gif It's a combined effort around our house. We all do the things that have to be done. I have 3 still living at home and when we clean we each pick two rooms to clean. That way they have learned everything from how to scrub the toilet to how to load the dishwasher.

We have about 2 acres of yard to mow and my husband is really good to take care of the yard. So I gotta give him credit for that.

indydebi Posted 6 May 2010 , 12:06am
post #19 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamawrobin

We have about 2 acres of yard to mow and my husband is really good to take care of the yard. So I gotta give him credit for that.


Oh I never buy the "I mow the lawn and you don't!" crappola line! My hubby tried that once and I told him:

"Oh I'll happily trade you jobs! I'll be the one who mows the lawn once every 10 days between May and September and YOU be the one who does the snow shoveling every single day that it snows, the cooking, the laundry, the carpet shampooing, the dishes, running the errands and overall housecleaning. Man oh man I'll HAPPILY trade you all of that just to have to mow the lawn about 15 times a year! What a deal *I'LL* be getting!"

So don't EVEN try that crap with me. icon_mad.gif Mowing the lawn is NOT the same as everyday maintenance inside the house but to hear a man tell it, it's the almighty job that takes years of expertise, training and time.

Bull.

mamawrobin Posted 6 May 2010 , 12:30am
post #20 of 27

Debi I couldn't have said it better myself and believe me he's heard all of that plus some icon_lol.gif

Mrs-A Posted 6 May 2010 , 12:45am
post #21 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi

[.....So don't EVEN try that crap with me. icon_mad.gif Mowing the lawn .......





my brother is a big beefy 6'2 bloke and his wife is a tiny 5' nothing 100lbs and she does all the gardening work inc the lawn mowing. i swear the day after we ever win $$$$$ im going to buy her a pink ride on lawnmower with daisys painted on it and will tell my brother to keep his mitts off it

indydebi Posted 6 May 2010 , 12:47am
post #22 of 27

HEck, one time I told him, "Why don't I just take on the lawn mowing, too, then I can HONESTLY say that I do EVERYTHING around here!" icon_twisted.gif

The one that really sent me ballistic was when my son was coming home from the Marines. I moved furniture in 3 different bedrooms including hauling heavy bookcases and other pieces of furniture up and down the stairs BY MYSELF, shampooed carpets, etc. *HE* in the meantime, was "busy" writing checks, laying on the floor in front of the TV.

He then had the NERVE to ask me, in a whiny "i don't feeeeeeeeel good!" voice if I would give him a neck rub because his neck was all stiff from laying on the floor and watching TV!

I think my teenage daughter pushed me out the door before I could swing out and deck him!

Adevag Posted 6 May 2010 , 12:49am
post #23 of 27

I know this started as an older thread, but I'm so glad it was brought up again. It's so much fun to read icon_lol.gif
I know my DH does not understand how much work is involved keeping the house clean plus taking care of our kids, and I don't expect him to ever understand.
A typical morning for our family starts with me getting up about two hours before he gets up (he works late). By the time he is up I have folded laundry, started new laundry, fed the kids, gotten them cleaned up and dressed, unloaded dishwasher etc. When my DH wakes up is when I get to take my shower. So if I had yet to clean the stove from the breakfast, he will call for me as soon as I'm out of the shower, as if there is something urgent I have to come and see. When I get to the kitchen he stands by the stove with this needy look in his eyes just. So he has cleaned the stove and now he thinks it's the biggest deal and he is waiting for his compliments. *Sigh...* Sometimes I feel like I'm a single mother of four... (I have three kids)

casme Posted 6 May 2010 , 12:54am
post #24 of 27

You guys are just too funny. All you have to do is hire a housekeeper once or twice. Mine got the message when there wasn't enough extra money for things he wanted to do.

indydebi Posted 6 May 2010 , 12:56am
post #25 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by Adevag

When I get to the kitchen he stands by the stove with this needy look in his eyes just. So he has cleaned the stove and now he thinks it's the biggest deal and he is waiting for his compliments.



Geesh, do they take a class in this? When mine does this, ("I took out the trash." ..... "I put my lunch dishes by the sink" (so *I* can clean them later!) I ask him, "Oh, is this the point where I'm suppose to pat you on the head and give you a doggie treat for being a good boy?" Sometimes I actually do it, complete with "there! there! GOOD boy! He's a GOOD boy! Yes he is! He sure is!" (pat pat pat)

But then .... I tend to take the smart a$$ approach to things! icon_twisted.gif

karateka Posted 6 May 2010 , 1:09am
post #26 of 27

I guess I am profoundly lucky: My DH is a workhorse around here. Does laundry, mops the floors, runs the kids everywhere...he's wonderful. Think I'll tell him so! icon_lol.gif

tesso Posted 6 May 2010 , 1:16am
post #27 of 27

you guys make me feel guilty, and very lucky. you can throw cake ball at me if you want !! icon_twisted.gif

My hubby does : the mowing, garbage, laundry, vacuuming, shopping, most of the time loads/unloads dishwasher. Even takes time to give me back/foot rubs. and is my cake mule icon_biggrin.gif

I share in the dishwasher duties, I load only. I clean the bathroom, and mop floors, I DO NOT DUST (too allergic)...however, I do not like doing them so....

I pay my sister to come over and do my chores !!! icon_biggrin.gif He knew I was not suzie homemaker when he married me. icon_biggrin.gif

YES !!! I KNOW I AM A PRINCESS !!! icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_lol.gif My sister's/friends are always telling me I am spoiled. (but in a good way) I mean I work 10-12 hrs a day. I told him if we could afford it he could be a stay at home hubby. icon_lol.gif

OHHH...I have an idea... hubby for rent...I will start the bidding at... icon_lol.gif

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