I Just Found Out I Can't Have Kids

Lounge By auntmamie Updated 12 Mar 2010 , 6:26pm by Monkess

auntmamie Posted 27 Feb 2010 , 3:11am
post #1 of 21

I went to my dr this week - I have PCOS, and only my right ovary, where the cysts are, is functioning. My left ovary doesn't work at all. Because of the development of the cysts on my right ovary, it has to be surgically removed. I tried birth control pills, but had to go off of them because of the side effects.

So, basically, I can never have kids. I don't really know how to feel right now. I'm just so sad - I always wanted to be a mother. And I'm not even married. Finding a BF/Husband now probably won't even happen.

My mom and two sisters each had three children. I just really wanted to be a mom too.


20 replies
Ursula40 Posted 27 Feb 2010 , 3:34am
post #2 of 21

It is a shock to find out, but WHY can't you find a boyfriend or husband? Just because you can't have kids? That's just rubbish. And you can be a mom, you might not be able to bear them yourself, but there are so many children needing loving moms. You get to choose yours instead. I know what you are going through, we thought we could not have kids either. After years of trying and many many tears, we managed one. We were told, we couldn't adopt, because we were living outside our home country and the countries we were living in, did not consider us, our gov. was apparently too outspoken on the adoption process in those countries. I have 5 siblings and they all have children, I wanted to have 6.

Once you get over the shock, hold your head up high. Some kid out there is going to be so lucky to have you as a mom, there are other ways to become a mother, don't ever forget that. And if someone is only going to marry you to be his child bearing machine, he isn't worthy of you anyway

Adevag Posted 27 Feb 2010 , 3:55am
post #3 of 21

I'm so sorry for you and I understand that you are down and see the bad sides to it -which you have every right to! But of course you will have a BF or get married in your life. You want to find someone who wants to share his life with you and wants to make you happy and he is out there. There are many different ways of mothering children.
I believe that everything happens for a reason, even if we can't see it at the moment. But there will be a day when you have your child (or children) and you will not want to change anything from your past because this child (or these children) were meant to be yours! And they will be lucky and blessed to have you as their mother.
A quote from Goldie Nash "Blood may be thicker than water, but love is thicker than blood."

Loucinda Posted 27 Feb 2010 , 4:42am
post #4 of 21

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} There is no time limit on finding the right person in your life to share. My DD was not able to give birth to children, but she has adopted 2 sons that she loves dearly. Give yourself time to grieve - and then focus on positive things in your life to fulfill yourself.

JustToEatCake Posted 27 Feb 2010 , 5:06am
post #5 of 21

I'm so sorry to hear your news. As the others said there are other ways to be a mother, probably not what you want to hear right now though. There are men out there who don't want children, if you choose to go that route. I know because I am with one. Works for us. I always thought, because I didn't want kids, that I'd end up marrying someone who already had enough and didn't want more but I ended up being with someone who is just like me. We enjoy other people's kids. Trust me the "guy" radiates towards kids but we both chose not to have them.

Let me ask you this, is there any way to remove some eggs now and freeze them for the future? Just a thought.<<<<hugs>>>>>

prterrell Posted 27 Feb 2010 , 8:47pm
post #6 of 21

Hugs sweetie! I also have PCOS and ovarian tumors on top of it. My right ovary has already been removed and I will be having a complete hystorectomy soon. So I absolutely know what you are going through! Have you tried metformin? What about a low-carb diet? Those in conjunction can sometimes get a non-functioning ovary to start working (didn't work for me because of other medical issues, but has for lots of women). PM me if you need to talk. Also check out this great website for PCOS support: http://www.soulcysters.com. And there's a man out there who will love you for *you* whether you can have a child or not.

catlharper Posted 27 Feb 2010 , 11:09pm
post #7 of 21

First of all, (((HUGS))), this is a bitter pill to have to swallow, I know. BUT, you should start considering what is more important...to be pregnant and have a child that is genetically connected to you or to be a mother and parent a child. 11 years ago we were there. I had been able to have my own biological child many years before with my first husband but after 12 miscarriages and one still born with my present husband, it was obvious we would never be able to have a child of our own. We were both heartbroken. At that same time, friends of ours were beginning an Open Adoption. We watched them go thru the process and finally hold a baby in their arms and realized that what was important to us was to parent a child, to be parents, not to have that child carried inside of me or to be genetically connected to us. So we, too, went the Open Adoption route. We have friends who went the International Adoption route as well and now have a daughter from China and a son from Korea. Our son was born almost 9 years ago into my hands and right into our hearts. He couldn't be more ours if we had given birth to him. The bonds are there from the moment they enter your heart.

You have another option as well that doesn't include a BF/Husband. Egg/sperm donors. You can do IVF in order to have a baby. Once again, not genetically connected but still very connected.

So there are ways of becoming a mother that do not include being pregnant...there is still hope.

As for finding a BF/husband...nope, not even remotely out of the question. There are many men out there who cannot have children of their own and would consider adoption or a donor situation. There are many men out there with kids of their own thru divorce or death that they need a partner to help them raise. So there are many options out there for you. Don't give up quite yet.

But first of all, allow yourself to grieve...losing your fertility is a devastating loss and you need to give yourself the right to grieve and work thru this loss before you can find your footing again. (((HUGS)))


Mrs-A Posted 27 Feb 2010 , 11:32pm
post #8 of 21

sending my heart felt hugs to you..... i also hope that with some time, you will realize you have some other option and dont ever paint yourself emotionally in a box where you think you will not be wanted by some to share your life with, there are some amazing men out there who will love to share their life with you

60sBunny Posted 28 Feb 2010 , 8:40pm
post #9 of 21

the day you can't have kids is the last day of menopause. Yes you have to live with the news that it is going to be a struggle, and that you might not be able to conceive naturally.

I have PCOS, I was symptomatic at 13 and diagnosed at 19, my chances are poor. But my aunt had it and she has two beautiful naturally conceived girls, and she has all the risk factors obese, diabetic and generally in poor health.

You can reduce the symptoms of PCOS by looking after yourself, keeping your weight down, and your health in general high. There is laser oblation surgery and diabetes medication metformin can help you when you want to try and concieve.

Both of my long term partners have been aware of my condition and it has never been a problem, and for some men, it will never be a problem.

I cried, I cried a lot, but i'm 24 and i'm not in any rush to try for a baby, if it happens it happens, If your not trying for a baby, try not to stress, your not considered infertile until you've been trying for 2 years unsuccessfully.

So your not infertile, you simply havent started trying, and you'll have to try a bit harder xxx

JulieMN Posted 28 Feb 2010 , 10:58pm
post #10 of 21

I will be keeping you in my thoughts and prayers. This is big and difficult news to receive and will take some time for you to come to terms with. Just know that while all may seem lost at the moment, there are so many things ahead of you in life that you can't even begin to imagine right now. Take the time that you need and don't lose hope for your future.

TexasSugar Posted 1 Mar 2010 , 3:12pm
post #11 of 21

One of my greatest fears is that I won't be able to have children. There is no reason why I should worry about it but the older I get that fear creeps in on me. Maybe because I have always wanted them.

I won't tell you I know how you feel, because we all feel many different things, but do not give up on the idea of being a mother. As others have said there are several options out there for you.

I will also say do not give up on finding love, there are many men out there that are okay with not having children, already have children or are more than willing to adopt.

Give yourself some time to deal with the information you have been giving, then research and find out what other options are out there for you. But please, don't give up on being a mother or a girlfriend/wife.

KHalstead Posted 1 Mar 2010 , 9:51pm
post #12 of 21

Can I just tell you that my best friend has POCS and was told from age 15 and on that she would NEVER conceive and if by some miracle she COULD conceive she would NEVER be able to carry to full term!!

She is 33 yrs. old and this is her beautiful baby girl!!

With God all things are possible!

edited to say: since she was 15 I told her "don't EVER say you CAN'T have children, just say you don't have any YET"

She tells me now that me telling her that made her stop telling herself that she couldn't and she really believes that if she had told herself all these years that she COULDN'T have kids, she believes her body would have reacted to those thoughts. Kinda like when someone is told they're dying and they just start to deteriorate even though weeks before they were fine not knowing of their disease. There is a huge connection between your mind and your body.........ever notice how people who lead VERY stressfull lives always look a lot older than people who don't get as upset about things.........not that the person who looks younger doesn't have difficulties, but they just deal with them differently.

Don't allow yourself to believe that you will NEVER have children because a doctor told you so.....even if you never do have natural children, God is in control here not your doctor!

turtle3264 Posted 2 Mar 2010 , 2:52am
post #13 of 21

I have PCOS too. I agree with the pp about checking out the soulcysters site. It has a lot of wonderful information on it. It has helped me to realize that there were a lot of people going through the same things that I am. It is not an easy thing to deal with. I was able to get pregnant after trying for 18 months. My husband's cousin also has PCOS. She has decided to adopt. She has been trying to get pregnant for 2 years.

tesso Posted 2 Mar 2010 , 3:04am
post #14 of 21

I am so sorry to hear that. I too have PCOS but wasnt diagnosed until a just a few years ago. Doc said my ovaries looked like bubble wrap. Even as bad as my ovaries are he said that they could do what is called ovarian drilling. they put little holes in the ovary and then you take hormones and the eggs escape through the holes. I told him no thanks, that there were so many children in the world needing homes that when the time was right, hubby and I would just go the adoption route.

We both prefer older children so if you go that route, you can still have lots of kids. THere are so many older children needing homes. everyone seems to just want the babies though, and that is when it seems the waiting list gets long.

on a side note, I have a friend who adopted four girls and each girl had children of their own plus adopted two children each. now that is a family tradition to be proud of.

edited to add. sweetie there are lots of men out there who are happy to adopt too. or just plain dont want kids. WHen the right man comes along he wont care. He will love you no matter what. that is how you know he is mr right.

noahsmummy Posted 2 Mar 2010 , 3:25am
post #15 of 21

im so sorry for you! a very close friend of mine is in the same situation, shes only 19 and has found out she cant have kids. She also doesnt have a b/f or anything, so she is going to freeze her eggs in the hopes that someday she will be able to use them. have you considered this? im sorry i dont know much about POCS, but if it means you cant carry children have you thought about a surrogate? there are also so many needy children in the world, adoption is also an option. it is a hard ropad, but one that seems well worth it. Also, have you considered foster care? i do have a son, but i would dearly love to be a foster mum as well when my sons is a bit older.

There are so many options out there these days! you may not be able to become pregnant, but by no means does that mean you cant be a mummy!

SS385Monte Posted 5 Mar 2010 , 2:45pm
post #16 of 21

I'll third (fourth?) checking out www.soulcysters.net. There are lots of women there that have struggled with PCOS and have managed to get pregnant.

Enchantedcakes Posted 5 Mar 2010 , 8:48pm
post #17 of 21

I am living proof that you may be able to have children. My mother was told at the age of 14 she would never have children. She also had PCOS and at 19 she had her left ovary wrap around her uterus and it had to be tacked down ( she was an areal ballet dancer). She had one ovary one blocked tube, PCOS and had two children! When she got pregnant with me in Hawaii (Dad was in the Navy) Her family doctor flew to the Island because he could not believe it. Four years later she had my sister, my sister was very premature and she had to have an emergency hysterectomy after giving birth, but my sister and my mom were just fine. Never give up hope. Adoption is always an option. When my grandfathers brother came to this country from Poland none of them could have children, all of my cousins were adopted, and I love them just the same.

juststarted Posted 5 Mar 2010 , 10:09pm
post #18 of 21

Everyone on this post already said what I wanted to say and more. So just wanted to send you my hugs.

DreamMaker2 Posted 8 Mar 2010 , 2:03pm
post #19 of 21

My heart goes out to you, my dear. My condition was not exactly the same, but I was also told I would never have children. My doctor insisted on doing a hysterectomy because I had severe endometriosis. But I just wanted to (also) be an encouragement to you. After the initial shock of the news, I chose to trust God - not the doctor's report. Don't give up hope!

My son is going to be 20 years old this year.

A dear friend of mine went through the same situation as you are experiencing. But she never stopped believing she'd have children for 14 years! She now has 3 boys.

Keep your chin (and eyes) up! All things really ARE possible to (s)he who believes!

cakesrock Posted 8 Mar 2010 , 8:06pm
post #20 of 21

I truly feel your pain, though fortunately I only experienced the same thing for a short time. At 35 we decided to have children and I went off the pill and started having hundreds of hot flashes a day. Then I was diagnosed with Premature ovarian failure (POF) and told I had less than a 5% chance of ever having children. I was also told IVF was a waste of time and money because it would only increase the chances by maybe 2%.
I was devastated but decided I would have children anyway I could. I was meant to be a Mom. I needed someone to bake all those cute cakes for!!

Well, low and behold I was actually pregnant while the fertility specialist was handing down the news! Six years later I have not one, but TWO amazing children only 22 months apart. Modern medicine is not always right. And even if you cannot have biological children, there are so many wonderful kids waiting for a wonderful Mom like you. My friend with POF adopted two beautiful children! There is a light at the end of the tunnel.... icon_smile.gif

Monkess Posted 12 Mar 2010 , 6:26pm
post #21 of 21

You are in my thoughts and a big, gigantic hug goes out to you. I know what you are feeling like right now, but trust me the Lord has plans for each and everyone of us. God bless you and good luck..please for your own sake-be happyicon_smile.gif

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