At What Age Do We Stop Letting Our Moms Make Us Feel Crappy

Lounge By karateka Updated 4 Feb 2010 , 6:01am by penguinprincess

karateka Posted 16 Jan 2010 , 5:55pm
post #1 of 53

Last night I was at dinner at mom's since my sister was home from Boston with her 3 kids. Mom looks at me and says "So, Stac...your hair has looked better...what's up?"

I just looked at her. She continued on to say that last time she saw me, I had my hair flipped up on the ends and more "poofy" on top, and now it looks like today I just "didn't give a shit". Then she added that she didn't mean that to be insulting. ??????

Now, even I know not to criticize my kids in front of the other one, but she does this to me in front of my 2 sisters, their kids, my brother, my kids and my DH.

She's the same one who told me I could when I asked if I could make my sister a birthday cake for when she came home, and she said "Just don't go to a lot of trouble". So tonight when we do cakes, I'm sure I'll catch crap for that, too. I made a fondant covered thing with flowers and handpainted RI inscription. She told me if I was short on time, she'd do up a box mix and canned frosting. Like that's supposed to be a suitable sub for anything I'd bring to the party.

I'm 41. Seems like I'd be over that kind of stuff by now, doesn't it?

52 replies
AverageMom Posted 16 Jan 2010 , 5:59pm
post #2 of 53

I have no idea what it is with women and their mothers. I was adopted at a young age, and met my birth mother when I was an adult. You would think we were past those issues, but noooo....I went to stay with her once, and she checked to see if I had lunch money. And a bus schedule. And was I really going outside in that flimsy coat?

ShelleyMJ Posted 16 Jan 2010 , 6:16pm
post #3 of 53

I don't think we will ever see a day that what ever we do is just fine with our mom's.

I live 800 miles away and it still is no different!

I feel your pain!

Kiddiekakes Posted 16 Jan 2010 , 6:54pm
post #4 of 53

Me too...she is the only person in the world..Besides DH or course who can say the things she does about the way I dress,do my hair and my weight ..AND GET AWAY WITH IT....But not long ago we stopped in at my Mom and Dad's and she was in sweats and her hair all over and I couldn't resist so I said..."Nice hair ..looks like you just rolled out of bed"....she told me to shut-up but has had less comments than before...go figure...

karateka Posted 16 Jan 2010 , 8:44pm
post #5 of 53

When she said this, she was wearing baggy sweat pants and an oversized OSU t-shirt. I should have answered by saying "I've seen you dressed better...what's up with that?"

Mrs-A Posted 16 Jan 2010 , 8:59pm
post #6 of 53

my mother and i see black or white when we're looking at a sunflower - we just can not agree on anything and to be honest, a few years ago i just decided i was over it and i did. not. care.

personally my mother is someone i wouldnt want to know if we werent related so i contact her regualarily only because its the polite thing to do but other than that i have no emotinal committment to her anymore - and once i made this decision i felt so much happier and more relaxed, she can say anything she wants to me now and my thoughts are "and your opionion matters why? oh thats right, your opinion does NOT matter to me"

*sigh* my sister has taken it one step further and she hasnt spoken to my mother in almost 15yrs

sherrycanary62 Posted 16 Jan 2010 , 9:23pm
post #7 of 53

My mom has been gone a long time..so Dad was mom...A few years ago...after I hit the age of 40. I called my dad, he wasn't home so left a message...nothing urgent...just saying hi. Then I hopped on the internet...at the time we had dial up..so of course the line was busy. A few hours later I get a knock at the door..it was the local police...they wanted to know if everything was OK icon_confused.gif uh...yeah....your father called us from Las Vegas (a distance from me of 400 miles) and said your line has been busy for hours and hours and he is frantic to know if you are ok... icon_eek.gif ...I couldn't believe he called the police just because my line was busy...The parting shot from the police officer was..."call your father". He KNEW I had dial up...lol...I was very angry...but eventually we laughed about it.

7yyrt Posted 16 Jan 2010 , 11:17pm
post #8 of 53

Reminds me of my mom.
Once she said "Gee you've gained a lot of weight can I borrow $500?"
I said 'Why yes I have, and no you can't.'
-
I have learned darn well not to give my parents anything I ever want back.

indydebi Posted 17 Jan 2010 , 1:13am
post #9 of 53

One, there is no magic age.
Two, each of us deals with our family is a way that is either healthy or toxic to us.

I cut ties with my family 17 years ago. Haven't looked back. Life is much smoother and less stressful since I cut the toxicity out.

Those comments are really less to do with a mom and more of just a rude person, regardless of the relationship. Try to look at it as if a co-worker had said that to you. You probably wouldnt' feel intimidated and might jsut tell them what you thought of their comment. Or at the very least, it wouldnt' affect you as much.

I honestly also believes it has something to do with at what point in time do we permit ourselves to be an adult around a parent. My mom tried using the line, once of "Debi doens't get it..... *I'M* the parent, she's the child!" Bite my, a$$, b*tch. I was a married woman with 3 children. She didn't function as a mother when I WAS a "child" .... she sure as hell wasn't going to try to start using that "I'm the final authority" bullsh*t with me today.

But I digress! icon_rolleyes.gif

motherofgrace Posted 17 Jan 2010 , 1:35am
post #10 of 53

ahhh yes, ok, I have no contact with my mother, out of the picture when I was 9, and I tried when I was 19 but no go.

Now with my step mother. She has alot of ..... opinions lol. Dont get my wrong it isnt an evil step mother thing at all, she was more of a mother then my bio. But when she talks about my weight, I just quietly rimind myself that she is bigger then me!!!!

JustToEatCake Posted 17 Jan 2010 , 2:59am
post #11 of 53

My mom was the best. Always kind and had everyone's best interest at heart. She was born to be a mom. You know the get up fix breakfast before school, scratch your back to wake you up, always cooked dinner and kids ate first kinda mom. She was strict but loving. I have friends' whose moms aren't the nicest as some of you post about here. People like that are toxic in life and they'll bring it to all those they come in contact with. If they feel they can get away with it they are rude to strangers AND their own families. I never get that, but when I encounter those people I remember how it must suck to be them! They can't be happy when they are always looking for something negative/hateful/rude to say.


Heh, I am almost 50 and my dad, who is 80 still makes me call when I get home to make sure I get in safe and sound...but hey it makes HIM feel better and he is my "Daddy" and to him I am his baby..lol...big baby!

indydebi Posted 17 Jan 2010 , 3:14am
post #12 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by JustToEatCake

Heh, I am almost 50 and my dad, who is 80 still makes me call when I get home to make sure I get in safe and sound...but hey it makes HIM feel better and he is my "Daddy" and to him I am his baby..lol...big baby!




Hubby and oldest daughter, who is 32, STILL have "Daddy-Daughter" day, when they go to lunch together and just hang. Just the two of them. And it's daughter who usually reminds dad "Hey! We need to schedule our Daddy-Daughter Day soon!" And to add to how cool this really is .... he's "technically" her stepdad!

JustToEatCake Posted 17 Jan 2010 , 3:32am
post #13 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi

Quote:
Originally Posted by JustToEatCake

Heh, I am almost 50 and my dad, who is 80 still makes me call when I get home to make sure I get in safe and sound...but hey it makes HIM feel better and he is my "Daddy" and to him I am his baby..lol...big baby!



Hubby and oldest daughter, who is 32, STILL have "Daddy-Daughter" day, when they go to lunch together and just hang. Just the two of them. And it's daughter who usually reminds dad "Hey! We need to schedule our Daddy-Daughter Day soon!" And to add to how cool this really is .... he's "technically" her stepdad!




Being a "Daddy" is definitely more than being a sp#rm donor! And there ARE great men in this world!

My brother adopted his EX wife's son when they were married and they've been divorced 10 years and that adopted son is STILL loved, along with his wife and HER children within our family (my folks taught us love). They join us for celebrations and everything. I will say his mom HATES it that we are still close. My brother's new wife LOVES being granny to "their" kids and always goes and gets them and takes them to Chucky Cheese, swimming, the movie or whatever...now think about this..This is my brother's new (about 5 years) wife picking up the children of his exwife's son's wife (they have 3 kids and only 1 together)...lol..boy if that can't be confusing. My mom always said kids are not to be blamed for their parents do...She left a great legacy I think...

JodieF Posted 17 Jan 2010 , 4:32am
post #14 of 53

My daughter is 26 now, but when she was 24 years old my ex's mom called her to tell her how terribly worried she was because Amy was OBVIOUSLY GOING TO BE A SPINSTER!!!!!!!! icon_lol.gif OMG.....a SPINSTER! 24 years old.....just got her Masters degree.
I still tease her to this day (she's a whopping 26 now, bought her own house last July) that I never dreamed my daughter would grow to the ripe old age of 26 and would still be without a husband!!! She's just been wasting her life!

Image

I'm SO disappointed in my child.....she obviously is a total failure!

Jodie

SugarFrosted Posted 17 Jan 2010 , 4:51am
post #15 of 53

My mother was dead for at least 10 years before I forgave her for the way she treated me as a child. Nothing was ever good enough for her or up to her level of acceptance anyway.

However, to this day, occasionally I will look in the mirror or do something I am proud of and I will hear her mean little whisper in the back of my mind ...

"You will never amount to anything."
"Nothing you ever do will be worth a hill of beans."
"I wish I'd never had children."

Years ago, a psychologist friend taught me a trick. I force myself to stop and mentally go to that tape recorder in my head and pull out the tape and throw it into the trash. Some of the worst "tapes" have been set on fire mentally.

I am happy to say, many of her awful jabs don't go through my mind anymore.

We never out grow the criticism, even when they are dead. But we can take out the trash.

Ruth0209 Posted 17 Jan 2010 , 5:55am
post #16 of 53

My MIL still treats my DH and his sister as if they were 12. She's never learned how to make that transition to having a respectful and equal adult relationship with her grown children.

I see this so often, and it's unfortunate because it's such a rich and satisfying relationship to have with your adult children. It's wonderful to just be able to enjoy my kids as people who I genuinely like. Of course I'll always be their mother and worry about them, but I don't think it gives me the right to treat them like crap, but then I never believed I had the right to do that when they were children, either. I've never understood where people get off thinking they have a right to treat their kids with meanness and disrespect. I've always believed children have a right to be treated with basic human dignity. Otherwise, how will they ever learn how to be kind and decent adults? I think it's the mothers who just don't get this who continue to treat their grown kids disrespectfully. I doubt it's anything new.

LaBellaFlor Posted 17 Jan 2010 , 6:06am
post #17 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by SugarFrosted

My mother was dead for at least 10 years before I forgave her for the way she treated me as a child. Nothing was ever good enough for her or up to her level of acceptance anyway.

However, to this day, occasionally I will look in the mirror or do something I am proud of and I will hear her mean little whisper in the back of my mind ...

"You will never amount to anything."
"Nothing you ever do will be worth a hill of beans."
"I wish I'd never had children."

Years ago, a psychologist friend taught me a trick. I force myself to stop and mentally go to that tape recorder in my head and pull out the tape and throw it into the trash. Some of the worst "tapes" have been set on fire mentally.

I am happy to say, many of her awful jabs don't go through my mind anymore.

We never out grow the criticism, even when they are dead. But we can take out the trash.




Your mother sounds EXACTLY like how my Mom used to be. She is still alive. I still talk to her on ocassion. Not mad at her at all. But I'm a grown woman and have been on my own for quite some time. Before I even should have been. You want your Mom to stop talking to you crazy? You tell her to stop. And then you snap on her every time she keeps doing it. Just cause she's your Mom doesn't mean she has a right to talk to you any kind of way. Believe me, my Mom still likes to say the most evilest thing she can think of. But she knows not to do it to me. She does it to my younger sister. Thats how I know she hasn't changed. And if pushed, I can be even nastier...and what I say is worse, cause the truth ALWAYS hurts.

three_sets_of_twins Posted 17 Jan 2010 , 9:33am
post #18 of 53

UGH!!!
This year long assignment we are taking to san antonio in a few days is right where my mother is. ughhhhhhhh. I nicely got out of living in the same apartment complex with her, and we got a place about 10 minutes away from her. She is now calling the place where I'm moving to and telling THEM that once I pay my rent to give HER the key to keep for me. Surprisingly she said the woman on the phone agreed to it. I'm going to have to call the place and tell them the key be given to no one. Of course mom lectures me on where I should live, that I should buy used furniture rather than pay rent at a furnished apartment, (The air force is covering the cost, so so what! and Im not buying all that furniture and appliances and kitchenware just for a year) Now she is telling me she wants a spare key to my apartment, but having a mom with horders syndrome who also steals on a regular basis, I don't want any trouble with the place im going to live.

Ruth0209 Posted 17 Jan 2010 , 5:31pm
post #19 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by three_sets_of_twins

UGH!!!
She is now calling the place where I'm moving to and telling THEM that once I pay my rent to give HER the key to keep for me. Surprisingly she said the woman on the phone agreed to it.




I can't believe she would give a key to someone besides the renter. What an idiot. That's really unprofessional.

My MIL learned the code to my SIL's garage door and used to go over there and go through her stuff. We like to say that she has "boundary issues", then laugh at what a massive understatement that is. I just can't believe her lack of respect for other peoples' privacy. We have never given her any information about how to get in our house. My mom has the code and a door key because we know she'd never do that.

7yyrt Posted 17 Jan 2010 , 7:08pm
post #20 of 53

It is illegal for the landlord to give a copy of the key to anyone except the renter or the police.

Mrs-A Posted 17 Jan 2010 , 7:53pm
post #21 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by Ruth0209

.....
My MIL learned the code to my SIL's garage door and used to go over there and go through her stuff. .........




in the 10yrs we have been together my inlaws have never trespassed on us or our time. his folks do have keys to our house and yes, she comes into the house every monday but its to iron hubbys clothes (yes, im spoilt!)

i married a good aussie-greek guy, meaning his folks live very close to us - how close? try right next door icon_wink.gif and his 2 brothers live in the same street as well

MelissaAnn84 Posted 17 Jan 2010 , 11:26pm
post #22 of 53

wow, it really saddens me to hear all these stories! I have 2 very young daughters, and I could not imagine them not talking to me (when they do learn to talk!) or having any kind of relationship with them. It's a good lesson to me and all other new young moms, that how you treat your children for their entire lives, not just adulthood, will affect your relationship with them.

mrspriss0912 Posted 18 Jan 2010 , 1:48am
post #23 of 53

Wow I am greatful that my mom and I have a good relationship she will on occasion say something sbout me that is out of line to my DD but DD has starting telling her that she shouldnt be that way and that I am a big girl and can make my own choices.
My problem is with the part of the protiene shake that later on became.... me he dosent evem rate being a sperm donner just gave me a protiene shot mom did the rest. I havent spoken to him in 4 years not even at my grandmothesr funeral. He and his new hag tried very hard to run mine a DH's lives and when I finaly got up the nerve to tell him that he was no longer a participant in my life only an observer he and his hag turned me and DH into DHS and said we were making meth OMG how freakin stupid and vendictive can a person be. I will say that since i am not bothered with either of them anymore life has gotten better we still have rough times but at least if their is no communication then the false accusations are just that and they are left looking stupid to the whole world.
I always hope me and DD have a good relationship I dont want her to ever be made to feel the way I have in the past.
I also got into the habbit of saying that everyday that I get up and go to work and provide for my family then that is another day that I have proven them wrong and that feels good.

three_sets_of_twins Posted 18 Jan 2010 , 5:55am
post #24 of 53

It's good to know the renter wont give the key to my mom, at least I hope she wont, my mom said she agreed to it, but my mom doesnt always tell the truth. I still have to call them later today when they open to verify not to give it to her just incase. ughhh.
We have an ok relationship but I think sadly it's just because I live halfway around the world. We dont do to well in the same room for too long.

JGMB Posted 18 Jan 2010 , 11:53am
post #25 of 53

My mom's an Eeyore, always looking for the bad side of things, never the silver lining. I talked to her last week and told her that I was very excited to have made a cake I was proud of for a big party at church.

Without missing a beat, all she said was, "What if you promised to make a cake for somebody and then ruined it?"

I just brushed it off, reminding myself that she's old and tiny and just has always had that outlook -- it's not just me she has no faith in, it's everyone and everything! So, I simply said that I always try my hardest and hope that I never spoil anyone's celebration.

Sheesh!

indydebi Posted 18 Jan 2010 , 12:29pm
post #26 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by JGMB

Without missing a beat, all she said was, "What if you promised to make a cake for somebody and then ruined it?"



I just totally detest the "what if?" questions. I trained my kids when they were little to not do what if's. They'd ask a what-if and I'd answer "What if my butt was blue?" icon_lol.gificon_lol.gif They just don't know how to respond to that.

Works with adults, too. icon_twisted.gif

mkolmar Posted 18 Jan 2010 , 4:20pm
post #27 of 53

I'm sorry your mom was being rude. I have the same issues with my mom also at times. It's as if there should be a filter over their mouths (or duct tape) icon_wink.gif .
I love my mom but we have a rough relationship often. One of the best years I had for sanity was when I stopped talking to my family for 1 year. AAHHH, the peace of it all.

I have to say though now that I'm older I have more of a spine. I refuse to get talked to/treated how I use to. My DH has thrown family members out of the house who have treated me badly. Doesn't matter who it is either. He gives them a chance to say their sorry and if they don't out the door they go.

Now as far as your hair: it's gorgeous!!!!!

7yyrt Posted 18 Jan 2010 , 4:41pm
post #28 of 53

The blue butt question wouldn't work with me...
I'd say "Then you could just go dance with the blue-bottomed monkeys in the zoo!"
.
Oh dear, that sounded horribly rude. LOL
.
On second thought those have red bottoms, don't they?
.
Well, it's what I would have said anyway!

indydebi Posted 18 Jan 2010 , 5:29pm
post #29 of 53
Quote:
Originally Posted by 7yyrt

The blue butt question wouldn't work with me...
I'd say "Then you could just go dance with the blue-bottomed monkeys in the zoo!"
.
Oh dear, that sounded horribly rude. LOL
.
On second thought those have red bottoms, don't they?
.
Well, it's what I would have said anyway!




Now if we find someone with a white butt, we'd have a patriotic, red/white/blue dance trio! icon_lol.gif

millie332 Posted 19 Jan 2010 , 12:33am
post #30 of 53

This is so weird for me to read all of these post, who would have thought huh!! I bet you I can top all of you... I have 2 sisters and 1 brother. All have kids ranging from age 9 to 27. I am the middle child and before you say anything yes the middle child syndrome does exist. The funniest part is when my mom is with one of us all she does is talk bad about the other ones. Growing up wasnt much different either. Three of us live in the same city as mom and one doesnt. I have no emotional ties to my mom although I believe I try I just dont have the I Love You sorta thing going on anymore. We dont hug or anything and actually when she says I Love you or something like that inside Im like yea ok. Noway will I ever treat my kids like that nor have I.

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