I Need Help With Parental Issues.

Lounge By Sugarflowers Updated 19 Dec 2009 , 4:59am by Adevag

Sugarflowers Posted 17 Dec 2009 , 11:32pm
post #1 of 19

I'm 45 and I am to the point that I don't want to see my parents ever again. I care about them, but I can't say that I love them. How am I supposed to handle this?

Essentially, I have never been good enough. No matter how many things I accomplished I could have or should have done more. There is always something wrong with every thing I have ever done. I don't even show pictures of my cakes to my mom because she only tells me how I could have made them better, this includes prize winning cakes.

The biggest problem started when my son got into a set of serious problems and they blamed me for his choices. When I defended myself they refused to talk to me for several weeks. They also had intentions of taking him away from me and my husband. Our son is 16. He is doing quite well now.

This year I have been hospitalized 7 times and have only told them of 3. They don't believe that I have Mulitiple Sclerosis and that my health issues are all in my head. They even left the hospital room when I had a bad reaction to some medication. They thought I was just trying to get attention. I have been sickly my whole life and was always given the impression that if I wasn't so sensitive that I would be fine.

I want to want to be a part of their lives, but I'm tired of the comments and disappointment they have in me. I don't think they are bad parents. They have just become people I don't want in my life any more.

Thanks for any words of wisdom.

Michele

18 replies
Loucinda Posted 17 Dec 2009 , 11:40pm
post #2 of 19

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}} I had to come to a decision such as yours a long time ago. My 21 year old never met my mother. There are some people who are just toxic (for lack of a better word) and you have to decide what is best for you and your family. I am so sorry that you have lived a lifetime with emotional abuse. icon_sad.gif

LaBellaFlor Posted 17 Dec 2009 , 11:57pm
post #3 of 19

I agree with Loucinda. I know a lot of people are all about family ties, but sometimes that just isn't enough.

I think we all have different expectations & limits on what we except from the different relationships we are in. At 45 you may have finally just reached yours...and your not wrong if thats how you sincerely feel.

indydebi Posted 18 Dec 2009 , 12:04am
post #4 of 19

I cut my ties with my parents when my youngest was born, 17 years ago. As mentioned above, I no longer was willing to allow that toxicity into my home with my family.

I take the stance that I have a responsibility to my children to protect them from dangerous people. My mother told my ex-husband lies about how my then-2-year old son was being treated, while I was in the middle of a custody battle! My grandchildren are a mixed race and my mother was heard to refer to them as n*ggers. Sorry ..... I don't allow my family around people like that.

It's so sad that my parents had 6 kids, 11 grandchildren and 4 great grandchildren. As far as I know, only one of their children still goes around them. The rest of us have had it and have said "no more". Somehow I can't figure out how 5 out of 6 kids can be "wrong" about the same people.

I know personally, that it's very VERY hard to cut the ties with a parent, no matter how bad they may be. But I can tell you that my personal experience has been that once that decision was made, a great burden was lifted from my shoulders and my life became more calm and less stressed.

PM me anytime. Been there ... done that .... don't want to wear the T-Shirt anymore.

Adevag Posted 18 Dec 2009 , 1:05am
post #5 of 19

Yes, you are allowed to cut your ties with your parents. And hearing your story I support you completely. Just because they are parents does not give them the right to treat you any which way and you don't have to keep them in your life.
When I was reading your story it was like a flash back to my own childhood and a lot of old memories and feelings just came back.
My mother never let me be who I was and accepted me for the one I truly am. I was a disappointment and her way was always right. She finds problems with everyone. At the age of 17 she kicked me out of the house and I moved in with my dad. Before that, I swore to myself that when I was older I was going to move as far away from her as possible. I totally forgot about this promise that I made to myself when I was younger but I do live far away from her now and she sees her grand kids about every other year now (I am in the US, she is in Europe).
It's hard for kids to be mentally or emotionally abused, which is what your childhood seems like. I am so sorry for you to go through that. Kids tend to trust their parents and not realizing what they are doing is wrong.
If you have a hard time talking to your parents I would suggest writing them a letter. That way you don't get interrupted or yelled at and get to say what you need to say (plus for your parents they get to keep the letter and read it over again if they don't understand or forget something)
Wishing you all the best!

cylstrial Posted 18 Dec 2009 , 2:25am
post #6 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sugarflowers

I'm 45 and I am to the point that I don't want to see my parents ever again. I care about them, but I can't say that I love them. How am I supposed to handle this?

Essentially, I have never been good enough. No matter how many things I accomplished I could have or should have done more. There is always something wrong with every thing I have ever done. I don't even show pictures of my cakes to my mom because she only tells me how I could have made them better, this includes prize winning cakes.

The biggest problem started when my son got into a set of serious problems and they blamed me for his choices. When I defended myself they refused to talk to me for several weeks. They also had intentions of taking him away from me and my husband. Our son is 16. He is doing quite well now.

This year I have been hospitalized 7 times and have only told them of 3. They don't believe that I have Mulitiple Sclerosis and that my health issues are all in my head. They even left the hospital room when I had a bad reaction to some medication. They thought I was just trying to get attention. I have been sickly my whole life and was always given the impression that if I wasn't so sensitive that I would be fine.

I want to want to be a part of their lives, but I'm tired of the comments and disappointment they have in me. I don't think they are bad parents. They have just become people I don't want in my life any more.

Thanks for any words of wisdom.

Michele




Did they ever talk to the Dr? Because clearly, you are sick and have health problems. How can they not see that?

ladyellam Posted 18 Dec 2009 , 2:34am
post #7 of 19

I loved my mother dearly and miss her very much. My father, on the other hand, is a nasty person. He has always had a "different" set of rules for me and not my other 5 siblings. I decided to cut him out of my life because I was tired of allowing him to make my life miserable. I don't wish him any harm and hope he finds whatever he needs in his life to make him happy. I can also say if I never saw him again, I would not be sad. I have taken "his" power over me and have empowered myself.

I hope you feel better and whatever you choose to do with your parents, don't second guess yourself. You are a pretty smart cookie and I wish you nothing but the very best.

mellormom Posted 18 Dec 2009 , 3:15am
post #8 of 19

My father left when I was 6 and never came back. I haven't even spoken to him since. Boy am I ever glad he just stayed away! I never had lots of issues growing up because he never came back to give me any. So I got to move on and stay moved on. Sometimes I wonder if he is alive and what he is doing but I would never look for him because that would just be inviting issues into my life.
My Mom on the other hand is a great lady and raised us well! I'm very lucky to have her!
If your parents are not smart enough to see you for who you are and love you no matter what then maybe it's time to cut the cord. You don't need that negativity in your life! It may be hard because they are your parents after all, but sometimes it's for the better.
Now all you can do is make sure your kids are never treated that way and that they know how you feel every time your parents are around and say those things. This way they will think twice about how they treat other people.
This will be a hard journey but when it is over you will be so much happier!
Jen...

indydebi Posted 18 Dec 2009 , 3:23am
post #9 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by mellormom

Now all you can do is make sure your kids are never treated that way ..


Excellent! I've taught my kids that the way you treat other people is how you will be treated. My parents never learned that. They treated other people horribly, drove away anyone that may have been a 'friend' and will never know the love and joy of a close and loving family. You know that old saying: "you reap what you sow".

On the flip side, since we treated our kids with respect and love, they learned to treat people (parents!) with respect and love.

My sisters and I marvel on how we "broke the cycle". It's not as hard as people make it sound! thumbs_up.gif

Adevag Posted 18 Dec 2009 , 4:55am
post #10 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi



My sisters and I marvel on how we "broke the cycle". It's not as hard as people make it sound! thumbs_up.gif




I love hearing stories of happy endings by breaking the cycle. When my first child was born I started getting a lot of childhood memories playing in my head almost like movies that I had forgotten all about. Probably because I just became a mom. I decided to make it into a learning experience of what NOT to do. And my biggest job as a mother is to let my children always know how wonderful they are and by that breaking the cycle!

Sugarflowers Posted 18 Dec 2009 , 5:00am
post #11 of 19

Wow. I had no idea that this was not an unusual problem. It just doesn't seem to be the way it should be. I have worked very hard to not treat my kids in the same way. It seems to be working because both of my sons talk to me about almost everything. Sometimes I have to remind them that I'm Mom and some subjects are TMI. icon_smile.gif

I have always tried to look past my mom's comments and disapproving looks because.. well..., she's my mom and her childhood was beyond bad. Dad's wasn't much better, so I thought they did great to not bring what was done to them to me, my sister, and brother. I still believe that they did the best they could with the worst role models you can imagine. I never really knew my grandparents because we were kept away from them. They were not nice people.

Until recently, I thought my dad and I had a really great relationship. If mom wasn't in the picture I think we still would. Since her stroke 3 1/2 years ago he has been her primary caregiver. With his help she continues to make awesome strides. When I tried to talk to him about the problems we were having with our 16 year old he chewed me out and told me that I had to suck it up and learn to deal with things. I needed to stop crying and just take care of business. I just wanted some support not a lynching.

All this was going on while I was dealing with the MS causing potentially serious eye problems which led to liver problems, gallbladder removal, multiple other problems and my son going down a very deadly path. Thankfully he has turned his life around (nearly breaking us in the process). According to my dad stress was causing all of my health problems. As bad as that was, I have been through MUCH worse and survived without losing my mind. I lived through 8 years of being tortured and back-stabbed by a step-daughter and mother-in-law. Before that, six years of emotional abuse, attempted entrapment, and ONCE, physical abuse by my first husband. I can defend against physical abuse, but I have never learned how to deal with verbal and emotional abuse. Counselors only made me feel like a failure.

How do I go about this without feeling so awful. God wants us to honor our father and mother. I really want to do what is right.

Thank you so much for the support. Maybe I can use the strength offered here to be able to make the right decision. Thank you so much.

Michele

ladyellam Posted 18 Dec 2009 , 3:05pm
post #12 of 19

God a very understanding entity and all HE wants is for you to be happy! He understands everything even when we don't. As long as you live your life to the best of your ability and try not to cause harm to others, I think he's happy with all of us.

He knows you are a good person, Michele!

psmith Posted 18 Dec 2009 , 3:50pm
post #13 of 19

Start by giving yourself permission to be happy and content. Look at what makes you unhappy and stressed and know that it is ok to cut toxic elements out of your life. I doubt your parents will ever change or admit they have been abusive so it is up to you to take control and decide if you are willing to continue being treated badly. I was in a similar position and eventually it lead to a no contact situation. I've been happier ever since. Good luck with your decisions. (((hugs)))

Mike1394 Posted 18 Dec 2009 , 4:06pm
post #14 of 19

Just because someone got pregnant, why does that allow them a lifetime pass?

Mike

indydebi Posted 18 Dec 2009 , 5:18pm
post #15 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sugarflowers

How do I go about this without feeling so awful. God wants us to honor our father and mother. I really want to do what is right.




I really get so sick of people trying to "guilt" me by using this "honor thy father and mother" line. I personally don't believe that God says,"Mom, Dad, you can do anything you want, treat your kids totally like crap and kids, you just have to suck it up and take it." Nope. Sorry. I don't think my God believes that.

My sister is an "elder" of her church and she's who I go to when I have questions and issues. What she has taught me is that people pick and choose the verses from the Bible that serves their own purpose. They conveniently overlook the part when Mom and Dad are to live their lives in a Godly manner .... that does NOT include treating your kids like crap.

Same with the "Woman, obey your husbands" line. People conveniently overlook the part where husbands are instructed to love their wife like Christ loveed the Church; where husbands are basically suppose to put their wives on a pedestal. And if a man treats a wife in such a holy and Godly manner, then of course she's going to go along with what he says.

Think about it. If my husband gave me anything I asked for, treated me like a queen, never questioned anything I did ... and then he came along and asked me to do something for him, well of COURSE I'm going to do something for him that he asks!

"Honor" your parents doesn't mean you have to sit by silently and take whatever they dish out. When people try to pull that line on me, I look them right in the eye and ask them, "Tell me ... what exactly does that MEAN?" You'd be amazed at how many people DON'T have an answer. icon_twisted.gif

mightydragon663 Posted 18 Dec 2009 , 9:18pm
post #16 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi

When people try to pull that line on me, I look them right in the eye and ask them, "Tell me ... what exactly does that MEAN?" You'd be amazed at how many people DON'T have an answer. icon_twisted.gif



That is priceless!

LaBellaFlor Posted 19 Dec 2009 , 3:38am
post #17 of 19

It's funny that you should mention "Honor thy father". I hear that a lot along with "Respect thy elders"...espcially from my MIL. It kind of messed up her head when I mentioned the part in the Bible that tells how parents are supposed to treat their children and how your "Elders" are supposed to act in order to be worthy of respect. God is NEVER one sided and covers EVERYTHING. Yeah, my MIL wasn't to interested in THAT part of the Bible.

Sugarflowers Posted 19 Dec 2009 , 4:41am
post #18 of 19

I have to admit that I expected to be chastized for this thread and I am very grateful that I haven't. The responses have been moving and very helpful. My courage is starting to build. I felt great when I stood up for myself about my son's problems. I never raised my voice and flat out told my mom that she was wrong and I had NOT misunderstood her what she had said. She's not one to tread lightly and always says whatever is on her mind. I think she likes the power of crushing a person's spirit.

It's so stupid that I will stand up for myself with just about anyone, but I'm a bowl of Jell-O with family. It took me six years to get away from a jerk of a first husband (I blamed myself for our problems for quite a while). Now I just feel guilty because they are my parents, my mom had a stroke, and my dad has unusual health issues. They are both doing very well, so this shouldn't affect my thinking.

Thank you so much for the support. It has been so much more than I ever expected. We plan to see them on the 26th. My intention is to leave if they make me feel like a loser. I'm not starting a battle, but I am going to end it.

Thanks again.

Michele

Adevag Posted 19 Dec 2009 , 4:59am
post #19 of 19

I'm sensing a different (and happier) tone in this last post vs. the first one that opened this thread. You sound prepared and in control. You deserve respect and I hope everything works out for the best. And if anything ever happens I hope you will always know that YOU are not the problem or the real issue.
It's a little funny but my kids were watching a TV show and the one girl was called names, which hurt her feelings. She asked for help and what she was told was that the reason mean comments hurt is if you think they are true (I know, simplified towards children). So this teacher told the girl that "you know they are not right, you know you are good enough. These comments are not true" and after that she did not get offended by the comments. Yes I know TV has happy ending but I was thinking that sometimes adults need this reminder as well.

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