How Did I Let Myself Get Into This Situation?

Lounge By sweetlayers Updated 14 Dec 2009 , 2:07pm by suz3

sweetlayers Posted 13 Dec 2009 , 5:51pm
post #1 of 14

I am so tired of always working so hard and ending up with nothing. There has to be more to life than this.

It seems that nothing I ever do for my husband is good enough. I mean sure he works 40 hours per week, but so do I. However, I also do all the housecleaning, take care of the kids 99% of the time, am working on completing a master's degree and make cakes to put myself through school and help out when we are low on funds.

When he comes home, the couch or bed is where he goes. He never helps with any housework and always says things like he is a good man and any woman would be more than grateful to have him and wouldn't complain if he asked her to do things for him. (Argument this morning started over me making coffee which I don't even drink.)

Yes, he bought me a car, however, that was only because he sold the one I owned previously because of a bad transmission. Yes, he makes more money than me in his paycheck, but I took a crappy low paying job because I get fringe benefits to care for children anytime when needed.

Yes, he bought me a laptop, but he used up all the memory on the desktop with his music and files. So of course I have to hear about it all the time. How he was my savior and how I need him so much.

However the fact is, I was doing just fine without him. I was extremely happy, had a decent self-esteem and was taking care of myself with my own house, car job with mobility (yet stressful) etc.

Now, I feel like I have been beat up. I'm always tired, I never feel like a lady. Just someone who is going through the motions. It is so sad, because I two of the most wonderful and beautiful children who desrve to see me thrive, but I hae given so much that I don't even know who am anymore.

I just want to run away screaming half the time and other times I just want shut myself in a closet and never come back.

II guess all and all I'm just really pissed at myself for loosing me and giving so much away. I don't where to start to rebuild .

Anyways, you don't have to reply, I just needed to get that off my chest so I can
get on with the rest of my day.

13 replies
indydebi Posted 13 Dec 2009 , 6:07pm
post #2 of 14

He's a controller who likes to keep people (his "woman") under his thumb, subservient to him, and in her place.

Divorced one of those ... lucky to get out alive.

I could rant forever on this topic, but if you want to talk privately, email me anytime.

I find the controllers more dangerous than those who just flat out beat their wives. Physical bruises heal and go away. Mental bruises are baggage that you can carry your entire life and not even know you have them.

-K8memphis Posted 13 Dec 2009 , 6:28pm
post #3 of 14

Just wanna say that 'talking it out' to yourself in a notebook even might also be cathartic--I'm guessing there is more you din write--also wanna say take care, you're making some good first steps --

Praying for you

Mensch Posted 13 Dec 2009 , 6:43pm
post #4 of 14

Don't think back to how you got yourself into this situation.... start thinking ahead to how you're going to get yourself out of it.

I'll be thinking of you.

Mike1394 Posted 13 Dec 2009 , 7:08pm
post #5 of 14

One question. When does buying your spouse stuff equate to loving your spouse?

Mike

sweetlayers Posted 13 Dec 2009 , 7:14pm
post #6 of 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike1394

One question. When does buying your spouse stuff equate to loving your spouse?

Mike




There's actually a lot more to it, however, that is really all I choose to disclose on this forum. Hope you understand.

indydebi Posted 13 Dec 2009 , 7:16pm
post #7 of 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike1394

One question. When does buying your spouse stuff equate to loving your spouse?

Mike




Mike, that is SO common thinking with these kind of guys. "I bought you (whatever), doesn't that prove something?" First (abusive) hubby would throw out that he "bought" me a house so I had to have sex with him whenever he said, whether I wanted to or not. He was serious ... and it would turn violent. Funny .... he worked about 4 months out of the year and didn't own anything that *I* didn't pay for! icon_confused.gif He'd send flowers to show how much he "loved" me ... then hand me the bill so I could pay for it.

It wasn't a gift to show "love". It was a symbol of "without me, you'd have NOTHING!"

When current hubby and I first started dating, him buying me gifts was a big issue that I knew was my baggage and I had to learn new thinking. Because a gift was just something to hold over my head about how I "owed" him something, so I had a hard time viewing gifts as what they were ... just a gift. Because in my mind it was something used to render control.

I've come a long way, baby! icon_biggrin.gif

(edited to add one more thought)

Mike1394 Posted 13 Dec 2009 , 7:17pm
post #8 of 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetlayers

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mike1394

One question. When does buying your spouse stuff equate to loving your spouse?

Mike



There's actually a lot more to it, however, that is really all I choose to disclose on this forum. Hope you understand.




Are you sure in his mind that is true? He thinks if he is buying you stuff he is providing a good household.

Mike

LaBellaFlor Posted 13 Dec 2009 , 7:18pm
post #9 of 14

F#CK HIM! Hey, got to be honest. He really needs you...and he knows this. Did you know that? I thought you should, just in case you didn't. Theres a reason why he tells you that crap he does. And you know its crap. And I'm never going to be grateful that my husband takes care of me or buys me something. Why? Cause he's supposed to. Appreciate, sure, kiss his a@@ behind it, no. We create the relationships we are in, period! Does my husband work full time, yes. Do I, no. Would he rather stay at home & do what I do and let me work fulltime, HELL NO! He much rather have the job, then do what I have to do. Does he help me with the kids, hell yeah. Does he cook dinner every now & then, sure. Someitmes I just don't feel like cooking dinner. He understands this, so he is more then willing to cook.

Your husband sounds EXACTLY like my ex-husband. Did you catch that I said he sounded like my EX-husband. Now don't get me wrong. I'm not saying get a divorce. I put my foot down with my ex. He didn't think I ment it or would actually leave. Crazy, considering I had left him one time before. The renunion didn't last to long, and he became a permenant EX! But it's like Mensch said, doesn't matter how you got to where you are, what are you going to do now?

I'll be thinking of you as well.

mrspriss0912 Posted 14 Dec 2009 , 3:33am
post #10 of 14

Believe in yourself and trust in the Lord he will get you throught this!! Set some boundries and stick to them! He wont love it at forst but if he truly vares about you he will see that he needs to make changes himself if he cant then you are a good person and you will be bale to do it yourself Like you did before

Good luck you will be in my prayers

Adevag Posted 14 Dec 2009 , 5:50am
post #11 of 14

My first two thoughts of your husband were insecure and controlling. It's interesting to hear you describe most things evolved around money (but I understand that you have more story to this that you have not shared). But who cares who makes more money? And who cares who bought what for who? Why is that even discussed? It almost sounded like you tried to convince yourself that you are good enough (when you wrote how you took care of everything yourself before you were married). Don't ever think you are not good enough. Of course you can take care of yourself.

There are some people (not saying your husband is) who are very insecure and act like they have (fake) confidence and the only way to feel good enough is to bring their close ones down to their level or lower. I had a friend like that (but our friendship has ended). If your husband is scared he might feel better by making you feel worth less to make sure you stay with him.

So adding another word to my understanding of your husband I would say: scared, insecure and controlling.

Jen80 Posted 14 Dec 2009 , 11:41am
post #12 of 14

This "hers and his money" has got knobs on it.
I'm a stay at home mum and I have no problem at all saying "our money".

You're gonna have to do something or you're gonna burn out.

"Oooh sorry darlin, I (accidentally on purpose) lost my job."

costumeczar Posted 14 Dec 2009 , 2:03pm
post #13 of 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi


I find the controllers more dangerous than those who just flat out beat their wives. Physical bruises heal and go away. Mental bruises are baggage that you can carry your entire life and not even know you have them.




This is so true. Please keep hold of the thought that you expressed when you said that you did fine without him. It sounds like you realize what he's doing to your state of mind, which puts you ahead of a lot of women.

Don't make excuses for your husband, he's taking away your sense of who you are bit by bit and he'll keep doing it until you're totally beaten down mentally. Your kids don't deserve to think that it's a normal way to be, and that that's how husbands should treat their wives. And they will see it when they get older if it continues. If you can't confront the situation for yourself, do it for your kids.

I'd suggest talking to him, then if he won't listen, talking to someone else either with or without him. If he won't go to counselling then that's a pretty clear signal that you know what you have to look forward to in the future. He won't change unless you force the issue, why would he? He has it easy, so he won't be the first to make an effort to change anything unless you make him.

suz3 Posted 14 Dec 2009 , 2:07pm
post #14 of 14

I HAD one of those husbands also. Would rather be by myself everday the rest of my life than to spend one minute with someone like him. I completely lost myself when I was in this relationship. I didn't even know what I like to eat, movies I liked to see etc. when I was finally on my own. Please feel free to PM me if you want to talk more. My thoughts are with you. Stay strong.

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