My Parents Are So Sad

Lounge By Memie Updated 18 Nov 2009 , 7:07pm by Amia

Memie Posted 16 Nov 2009 , 4:17pm
post #1 of 14

and I'm furious with my brother. He took his own life back in February and it's like my parents are just withering away and I don't know how to help them. I think they are worse now than when it happened. Maybe because the holidays are coming up. It's like they have just given up on life. I hate my brother for doing this to them and then I feel guilty about that. How can I ever forgive him?

My mom is 79 and my dad is 81. They should be enjoying these years of their life instead of being shrouded in sadness. My heart aches for them and I love them so much.

Thanks for listening.

13 replies
saffronica Posted 16 Nov 2009 , 5:21pm
post #2 of 14

My family has been affected by suicide as well (my sister's husband), so I can empathize. I'm so sorry for your loss, and I'm sorry for what it has done to your parents.

Anger is a normal part of the grieving process, and frankly, I think you have the right to be mad at your brother. What he did was devastating to all of you. Eventually you will be able to let go of those feelings and choose to forgive him, which will allow you to feel peace again, but it will take time. Until then, don't feel bad for grieving normally.

You can also try writing down your feelings, including memories of your brother, both good and bad. It can be simultaneously heartwarming and heartbreaking, but it's a good way to let some of those emotions out.

I wish I had some great advice on how to help your parents. I suppose the best thing you can do is to continually let them know that you love them and that you appreciate them. They have to work through the grief, too, and it will help to have your support.

I wish you the best.

Deb_ Posted 16 Nov 2009 , 8:38pm
post #3 of 14

Memie, I'm so sorry for your family's loss. I think the holidays are a very tough time when we've lost a loved one......especially under the circumstances of your brother.

Do your parents have a pastor or priest they can speak to? Or maybe a support group would help all of you. I think the only thing you can do for them is to be there for each other through this very difficult time. Time does heal and it will get easier.

One of my brothers died when he was 45 and sadly my parents were never the same. As parents we're not supposed to outlive our children and when a parent loses a child a part of them dies with that child....no matter what the age.

Your parents will smile again as mind did......it just takes time.

I'll keep you all in my thoughts and prayers!

Pookie59 Posted 16 Nov 2009 , 11:04pm
post #4 of 14

Don't hate your brother. People don't kill themselves unless they are mentally sick. He didn't do it to be selfish or with the intent to hurt anyone else; he just couldn't take the mental pain anymore.

Hope you and yours get some help with the grieving process.

-Tubbs Posted 16 Nov 2009 , 11:27pm
post #5 of 14

Oh, I'm so sorry. How sad for everyone involved, including your lost brother.

You're right, your parents shouldn't be having to deal with this devastating loss at this point in their lives (not that there's ever a good time to deal with it...). I don't blame you for being angry at your brother, but I'm sure he never meant to hurt anyone. My sister was once borderline suicidal, and when she spoke about that episode later, she said she honestly felt everyone would be better off without her. So sad.

I wish peace for your family.

-K8memphis Posted 17 Nov 2009 , 12:10am
post #6 of 14

Wow--I'm praying for y'all. An idea that won't necessarily fix anything but can be a blessing is to maybe do an angel tree gift thing this year. I mean it's gonna be rough but getting to light someone's life up might help divert your attention for a bit. Just a thought. God bless you all very much. And I'm very sorry for your stunning loss. Maybe just giving each other the time you all need to heal enough might be a thought.

(((big hug)))

LaBellaFlor Posted 17 Nov 2009 , 12:13am
post #7 of 14

My niece tried the same thing. My sister was furious and frustrated. It's a permanent solution to a temporary problem. I will pray for you & your family.

prterrell Posted 17 Nov 2009 , 1:34am
post #8 of 14

My DH's cousin committed suicide just over 2 years ago. Even now, there are times when I am reminded of him and that he's gone and it hurts all over again. Have you or your parents joined a survivor's support group? DH's aunt did and it has really helped her a lot. Another thing to look into is talk therapy. This is not something you should try to cope with without professional help. The holidays are typically one of the hardest times for people suffering the loss of a loved one. Please do try to enjoy the holidays, without guilt.

FloraFlora Posted 17 Nov 2009 , 2:28am
post #9 of 14

There's this lady who is like a mother to me, more close to me than my own mother does. A few years ago, one of her sons, who I think of as a brother, died in a car accident while driving under influence. I miss him dearly, yet sometime I hate him for did what he did to making mom so sad, and then I feel super guilty for hating him. She goes to his grave and sits there for hours and hours, and I feel that I'm so useless not able to lessen her grief. I felt that all I could do was cry together with her.
Anyway, her husband had an opportunity to go abroad for a new job. He took it and she tags along for most of the year. It seems that when there's a lot of other things to do, other people to take care of, it makes her better. At least it appears to be so. It's not that we should forget the loved ones who is no longer with us, just sometimes distraction is a good thing.
Can you or your other siblings if you have any, and your children visit your parents more often? Do they keep pets? Pets can be very therapeutic. I suppose support groups would help, too. Also talking to a priest or pastor, or even a psychiatrist may help.
((hugs))

Mensch Posted 17 Nov 2009 , 5:50am
post #10 of 14

Have they been in counseling? Joined any support groups?

I'm so sorry about this.

Many people who kill themselves are NOT mentally ill. Some are and some aren't.

Rebealuvsweets Posted 17 Nov 2009 , 6:04am
post #11 of 14

Memie, I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. And for a parent to loose a child has to be the hardest thing in the world. And with the holidays here, that has to be even harder for your parents and u. Ask the Lord to give u strength, and to give your parents strenght through the holidays. Some say suicide is a selfish act. But, sometimes when a person has a mental illness or are in pain, they cannot take it or deal with anymore. They just want the hurt and pain to stop. May the Lord take care of all of u. And may time be the healer to your pain and loss...
God Bless U All...

Memie Posted 18 Nov 2009 , 3:19pm
post #12 of 14

Thank you all so much for your well wishes and suggestions. I have joined a support group and talked to my parents about joining but they are not open to that idea. I've talked to their minister as well. They do keep themselves busy with their church and they still deliver "meals on wheels".

I think they were having an especially bad day on Sunday. We were having a "rake Mom's yard" day at their house and as this was something my brother really enjoyed I think everyone was missing him extra hard. And then with the holiday's coming up....

Again, thank you all. I really appreciate all of your kind words and support.

G_Cakes Posted 18 Nov 2009 , 5:03pm
post #13 of 14

Memie, I am so glad you found a support group that you can share with. I think this is going to be very important for you and your family to help them heal and deal with the loss.

About 8 years ago my brother tried to commit suicide, and came very close to doing it. He spent 8 days in a coma and even the doctors said they were not sure if he would be "functional" if or when he awoke.

My brother and I have always be close, so close that some say we could pass for twins if it were not for the age difference.

What we learned from this experience is that my brother suffered from Bi-polar disorder and Schizophrenia.

After many years of counseling and even a few more attempt's to take his own life he finally found the courage to speak about what he was feeling all those years.

He believed that he was not worthy of love, affection and that he was a failure in life. Nothing could be further from the truth as he was a father, married for over 25 years and ran a successful business.

But thats what he believed and that is why he tried to end his own life, to save us all the pain he thought he was giving the family. He wanted to spare us.

I am not trying to justify what he did just sharing what he felt to try and give you some understanding.

I know everyone's situation is different but I feel there is one common thread and that is a low self worth or value.

My brother and his wife ended up splitting as she could not handle his moods any more and we feared the worst after the split for my brother.

But we made sure that he had a great support system in place with family and friends as well as professional help so that he could speak what he was truly feeling with out fear of judgment or repercussion.

My brother now lives with me and my family and I could not be happier. He has more down than up days but I always try to find something positive for him in each and every day.

Sorry about the long winded post and I guess the point of this post is to let you and your family know that for what ever reason your brother chose that route, it is NOT YOUR FAULT!!!!!

You have no reason to feel guilty at all, and although you may never know the reasons why he did what he did, know that it never meant that he stopped loving you or your family!

My thoughts and prayers are with you all at this time and I promise you it will get better icon_smile.gif

Amia Posted 18 Nov 2009 , 7:07pm
post #14 of 14

I am so sorry for the loss of your brother. I've dealt with suicide as well (my father, almost 11 years ago) and I wouldn't wish it on anyone, even my worst enemy. Maybe the reason it's hitting your parents so hard right now is that they've started to accept his death. I was in denial for well over a year. Once it really hit me, I had to grieve all over again. I also wasn't receptive to therapy, or any kind of help, until 5 years later.

This wound is still very, very fresh for everyone involved. Not even a year has passed. Losing a child is not something they'll probably ever come to terms with either, but they may need a little more time. They can only truly be helped when they feel they're ready. They have to want help.

I know this is hard for you, losing your brother and watching your parents suffer. My thoughts and prayers are with you. I hope you find some peace.

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