Worried About My Neighbor (Long)

Lounge By Texas_Rose Updated 20 Nov 2009 , 6:48am by cabecakes

Texas_Rose Posted 12 Nov 2009 , 2:08am
post #1 of 30

I have an elderly neighbor, G., who lives with her middle-aged son and DIL. I've known her for years and just in the last year or so she's not quite as sharp as she used to be. Her son and his wife have never seemed like bad people, just extremely selfish...last year my neighbor had huge holes in her shoes and I asked why she didn't get some new ones, and she said her son wouldn't give her any money for them. She gets retirement and social security but he decides how much she can spend in the month. So I asked her son if he would like me to take her shoe shopping, because it was cold and her shoes had worn out. The next day G. had new shoes.

There was a day this summer, not long after G. got out of the hospital for a heart attack, that she was sitting on the stairs outside of her apartment. She got up and walked toward us and then started swaying on her feet. I took her arm so she wouldn't fall and asked what she was doing outside when it was 100 degrees outside. She said her son and DIL were arguing and they'd locked her out until they were done. I took her home with me and gave her some water and walked her home a while later.

Anyhow, today G. was outside walking her son's dog and I noticed she had a bandage on her eyebrow. Up close, I could see that she had a black eye and a bruise that went all the way up into her hairline, at least four inches in diameter. I asked her what happened and she said that she was coming in one door and her son was coming in another door and they didn't see each other and bumped heads. I used to live in the apartment she lives in now and there are no doors in there that meet that way. I told G she should go for an xray, because of how extensively she had bruised, and she said it didn't hurt at all.

I went walking with the kids this afternoon, hoping I'd see G's son to see if he had a bruise on his head too. (They have a big dog who loves me and every time I see him out with the dog I start talking baby talk to the dog from across the parking lot and the dog drags the guy behind her as she races over to lie down at my feet icon_lol.gif ). I didn't see him.

I told my husband I thought G might be being abused and he said he thought so too.

29 replies
Rylan Posted 12 Nov 2009 , 2:31am
post #2 of 30

Awww. I'm not really sure what to say. You are such a nice person to think of her though--I salute you.

Deb_ Posted 12 Nov 2009 , 2:33am
post #3 of 30

OMG that's awful and I can see why you're so concerned.

It's a tough position for you to be in because you don't want to wrongly accuse her Son of abuse but on the other hand it could be the case and you'd be helping G.

I think for now the only thing you and your husband can do is be a friend to G and watch for any other signs or bruises.

I'd also let her Son see you with her....talking to her etc., so that he'll know you are around and are aware of her cuts and bruises.

Poor lady, I really hope and pray that abuse is not the case.

cabecakes Posted 12 Nov 2009 , 2:35am
post #4 of 30

Could you make up some kind of excuse just to drop in. Maybe drop off some cupcakes or something for G. It's so sad to think someone you spent your life raising could be abusive to you in your latter years, but it does happen. My elderly father was "being taken care of" by my brother and his family until one day my dad burst into tears. I asked what was wrong, and he said, "they said they were going to put him in a home." But he wouldn't tell me who "they" were. I moved him in with me the next day. He lived with me for 6 years before he passed on. I miss him a lot. I really hate to hear someone could treat their parent like that. My dad passed right after Christmas last year, and I still catch myself thinking I should be fixing him a plate or getting him something to drink. Keep an eye on them Texas_Rose. Your a good neighbor to G.

jammjenks Posted 12 Nov 2009 , 2:37am
post #5 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by dkelly

OMG that's awful and I can see why you're so concerned.

It's a tough position for you to be in because you don't want to wrongly accuse her Son of abuse but on the other hand it could be the case and you'd be helping G.

I think for now the only thing you and your husband can do is be a friend to G and watch for any other signs or bruises.

I'd also let her Son see you with her....talking to her etc., so that he'll know you are around and are aware of her cuts and bruises.

Poor lady, I really hope and pray that abuse is not the case.




Good advice. I sure hope it is not the case too.

tatorchip Posted 12 Nov 2009 , 2:43am
post #6 of 30

that makes me want to cry, I admire your caring for her.

LaBellaFlor Posted 12 Nov 2009 , 2:55am
post #7 of 30

DOCUMENT EVERYTHING! Get a notepad & write everything in there from her shoes to the bruises and the day they happened.It never happened if it wasn't written down. And yes, you writing it in a notebook is good enough. That just makes me want to cry. Just keep watching and contact social services and the police. Ask them what is the procedure to help someone who may be in this position.

adree313 Posted 12 Nov 2009 , 3:04am
post #8 of 30

exactly what labellaflor said. EXACTLY.

these situations disgust me and just hurt my heart. i cried reading this. abusing elderly people is... it's just disgusting. it's beyond words how much this subject upsets me.

please, write EVERYTHING down. contact someone who would know what to do exactly.

you are a wonderful person for caring and wanting to help.

TexasSugar Posted 12 Nov 2009 , 3:22am
post #9 of 30

I agree about contacting social services. They can come in and access the situation and get her help if it is needed.

Ruth0209 Posted 12 Nov 2009 , 3:49am
post #10 of 30

You should call the police and ask them if they will do a welfare check on her. Tell them what you've observed and they'll tell you if they can go check on her. Or, contact your state's adult protective services.

http://www.dfps.state.tx.us/Adult_Protection/About_Adult_Protective_Services/in_home.asp

If bad things are happening and you don't say anything to someone who can fix it, you'll never forgive yourself. Don't be afraid of being embarrassed if it's nothing. Anyone who loves her will thank you for it even if they have to answer some questions.

Ruth0209 Posted 12 Nov 2009 , 3:51am
post #11 of 30

You should call the police and ask them if they will do a welfare check on her. Tell them what you've observed and they'll tell you if they can go check on her. Or, contact your state's adult protective services.

http://www.dfps.state.tx.us/Adult_Protection/About_Adult_Protective_Services/in_home.asp

If bad things are happening and you don't say anything to someone who can fix it, you'll never forgive yourself. Don't be afraid of being embarrassed if it's nothing. Anyone who loves her will thank you for it even if they have to answer some questions.

MissRobin Posted 12 Nov 2009 , 3:00pm
post #12 of 30

I would definitely alert Social Services about your concerns. It sounds like an abusive situation and so very sad. I hope and pray that is not the case, but someone needs to investigate and get to the bottom of it!!!

ziggytarheel Posted 12 Nov 2009 , 8:03pm
post #13 of 30

I think you have every reason to be concerned so this is just a side note about one particular thing you mentioned. It is quite common for older people to bruise exceedingly easily. I know that my grandmother would get huge bruises on her arms from just little bumps that were quite insignificant as would my father-in-law. I don't know if the head bruises as easily as the arms and legs, but I thought I should mention that.

I think I would have to do something if I were in your shoes.

mkolmar Posted 12 Nov 2009 , 9:32pm
post #14 of 30

My mom is an advocate for the elderly for the county. This is actually not that uncommon, sad as that is.
Document everything. Get in contact with whatever advocate services are in you area. It's a long process but one worth taking because she's not being treated properly.
Unless he is legal guardian by the courts, he has no right to control her money. It's not uncommon for a family member to move in to take care of an elderly family member. Next thing you know the elderly family member is now moved to a nursing home and that care taker family member has now taken over their house. Same thing goes with social security and retirement checks. Unless he is appointed by the courts to do so, he should have no say about her money. I wouldn't be surprised either if her will has been changed without her knowledge.

They are not giving her the care that she needs, obviously.

delisa01 Posted 12 Nov 2009 , 9:33pm
post #15 of 30

That is such a tough situation and no one wants to be a part of. I would strongly recommend that you call social services just so that they can come out and assess the situation. In my state you can make that call anonymous. It is for her well being. Good Luck

saffronica Posted 13 Nov 2009 , 12:00am
post #16 of 30

Please, please, please, take everyone's advice and report this to social services. There are tons of services and programs out there for elderly people and their caretakers, and the professionals from social services can guide them toward the ones that will help them change the situation.

If you suspected a child next door was being abused, would you report it? I hope so. It's no different for an elderly person.

Texas_Rose Posted 13 Nov 2009 , 12:14am
post #17 of 30

I talked to the complex manager about it today. She's a good friend of mine and she's had to pick up G. from a couple of places when she's gotten lost and tried to go home to the wrong complex. She said that G's son comes in every day to pick up his packages and if she didn't see any bruise on his face like G was describing, she will call social services. She was disturbed by the whole thing too.

michellenj Posted 13 Nov 2009 , 1:30am
post #18 of 30

How sad. Please let us know what happens.

Karabear1125 Posted 13 Nov 2009 , 6:16am
post #19 of 30

aww poor G

cabecakes Posted 14 Nov 2009 , 12:52am
post #20 of 30

Also, Texas_Rose take heed in what ziggytarheel said. I know my dad bruised really easily also. Would it be possible for you to just ask G if everything is going ok over there, she may not give you an honest answer if she is afraid though.

LaBellaFlor Posted 14 Nov 2009 , 1:00am
post #21 of 30

The elderly bruis very easily, but surface bruises. It would take some force to give an elderly person a black eye that was as big as Texas_Rose described.

Texas_Rose Posted 14 Nov 2009 , 1:00am
post #22 of 30

I've been thinking about it, since she had a heart attack she may be taking something that keeps her blood from clotting, I think that would make bruising worse.

I saw her son today and didn't see any bruise on his face. He was friendly and wanting to make conversation which is not how he usually is.

LaBellaFlor Posted 14 Nov 2009 , 1:05am
post #23 of 30

I'm sorry, but I have to say this. We as woman have a natural 6th sense, we all have it, but in women it's just a little stronger. And every time it goes off, what do we do? Poopoo it away as we are just over reacting. I mean isn't that what society has ingrained in us? Woman are overly sensitive & over react by nature? What would happen if we just went ahead and listened to our own natural 6th sense EVERY TIME it went off & didn't worry about the possiblity of looking silly. How many tragedies could be prevented. Texas_Rose yours is going off for a reason. Listen to it. And don't we always say, better safe then sorry.

misserica Posted 14 Nov 2009 , 1:34am
post #24 of 30

LaBella, could not have said it better.

Texas- better safe than sorry. If nothing is going on of there then end of story. But if something is than at least you knew you did something about it. No one has to know it was you who took the bull by the horns.

costumeczar Posted 14 Nov 2009 , 1:50am
post #25 of 30

Defintely call social services, they can send someone out to check on the situation. The worst thing that could happen will be that the son is mad, but if he knows that he's on someone's radar he might shape up.

andpotts Posted 14 Nov 2009 , 6:41am
post #26 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by LaBellaFlor

I'm sorry, but I have to say this. We as woman have a natural 6th sense, we all have it, but in women it's just a little stronger. And every time it goes off, what do we do? Poopoo it away as we are just over reacting. I mean isn't that what society has ingrained in us? Woman are overly sensitive & over react by nature? What would happen if we just went ahead and listened to our own natural 6th sense EVERY TIME it went off & didn't worry about the possiblity of looking silly. How many tragedies could be prevented. Texas_Rose yours is going off for a reason. Listen to it. And don't we always say, better safe then sorry.




This is exactly what the female security officer who finally broke the Jaycee Dugard case. She just had an uneasy feeling about that man and the 2 girls he had with him. She could have easily wrote it off as overreacting, there was nothing outwardly wrong, the girls even said he was their father, but she followed her instincts and we all know how that ended. God bless you for caring enough! Andrea

Tiffany29 Posted 14 Nov 2009 , 1:01pm
post #27 of 30

I really hope your neighbor is ok. I know it's hard to make a decision to report it or not but I'd rather her be safe than something happen to her.

Definately keep a log of the injuries that you see b/c if she is being abused you'll have proof. I recentl saw a show about a woman who was being abused by her husband and even made their son video tape it!
A co-worker of hers kept a log of the abuse and when the woman had finally had enough she told the co-worker and they called the police.
The lady told them about the tape but it still wasn't enough that was only one incident. The co-workers log is what helped put the husband in jail.


Check on her regularly, drop by with some baked goods or something. maybe you could have her over for dinner and talk to her and tell her your concern. If she is being abused definately report it. I really hope she's ok.

Shelle_75 Posted 14 Nov 2009 , 2:18pm
post #28 of 30

LaBellaFlor was right on the money. We, as women, have a female sixth sense about things, but time after time we choose to ignore it. Why? Because we want everyone to like us, we don't want anyone to be mad at us and we don't want to hurt anyone's feeeeeeeeeeeelings.

I heard an actress on Oprah once say she was raped as a teenager because she didn't listen to her inner voice when the man walked into the convenience store she worked at. Why? She didn't want to seem rude.

If your gut is telling you something is wrong, follow it.

7yyrt Posted 15 Nov 2009 , 6:03am
post #29 of 30

Take it from an old lady -
Always listen to your intuition! Image
It's your unconscious mind telling you it noticed something.

cabecakes Posted 20 Nov 2009 , 6:48am
post #30 of 30

The abused won't always admit when they are being abused, especially when the abuser is someone they care about. I heard about this lady from a girl at work that put up with severe physical abuse for years, always saying she fell or some other excuse. This same women is now in an extended care facility because somehow she ingested rat poison, and she is so bad that she will probably never leave the facility. Nothing can be done to the husband, because there is no proof that he poisoned her. He still comes by the hospital to visit her. How sick is that. No the abused don't always tell on the abusers.

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