Can I Vent?

Lounge By Horselady Updated 22 Oct 2009 , 11:00pm by cheesecakekathy

Horselady Posted 19 Oct 2009 , 10:49pm
post #1 of 19

Was planning bday party for bf. Was to be a surprise because I know if I told him about it that he would not want to go, but knowing him, I know he would have a great time once there. Well his sister told him about the party!!! Not sure why. It was a huge blow up and now I e spent hrs and hpurs on a party and hundreds of dollars that he doesn't want me to have.

This was to be a mixture between wedding nice and bbs nice. I made table runners out of gorgeous fabric, had awesome center pieces that I worked really hard on. I had already filled out and addressed 30 invitations, designed the cake bought a bunch of stuff etc.

So it gets worse. We have a big age dif. Between us and now he says he isn't sure he wants to be together anymore because he thinks its wrong. Says he "loves me too much and it isn't fair to you". Which I see his point but we've been together 6 years. Little late for that NOW! I don't know what we're doing now, guess we're sleeping on it. Idk. Part sayset hi$ walk. Other part says u love him more than anything, fight for him. So life sucks for me right now and I was so excited to do this for him!

18 replies
Texas_Rose Posted 19 Oct 2009 , 11:04pm
post #2 of 19

Maybe he feels like a big party will make the age difference more obvious to everyone.

Part of me wants to say if you knew he wouldn't want a party, then you shouldn't have tried to make him have one, even if he would enjoy it once he got there. And a surprise isn't always a good thing for everyone, some people really don't like surprises. If I ever threw a surprise party for my husband, he just wouldn't go to to it. He'd walk in, see the guests, and just walk right out. I wouldn't even try it because I know he'd be uncomfortable and I wouldn't be able to count on him feeling like he had to be polite to the guests, to make him stay.

I know you were wanting to do something nice for him though...don't push the issue with him, just explain to him that you love the fact that you've got such a wonderful man in your life, and you wanted to celebrate his milestone birthday the way that you would like yours celebrated. If there's anything that you want out of life that you can't get when you're with someone his age, then you might think about it (kids, for example) now that he's brought it up, but if you're happy with the way things are, this is the time to tell him everything you like about being with someone his age and that you wouldn't change a single thing about your life with him. He's mentioning the age difference because the upcoming birthday is making him feel insecure.

Horselady Posted 19 Oct 2009 , 11:15pm
post #3 of 19

Good point on maybe the birthday making him insecure.

I didn't mean to push the party on him. I mean I know it is something hed enjoy and I had already met the people I intended to invite so I didn't think that was a big deal but maybe you're right.

He's been kind of depressed lately but more medical related (long story) and I thought seeing 40-50 people that went out of their way to be a part of his birthday would show him how many people truly cared about him. People were coming from out of state for heavens sake.

I will try pointing out what I love about him and the benefits his age brings to the table. As to the family thing he swears he wants to do that even at his age? I'm in an odd spot I guess.

indydebi Posted 19 Oct 2009 , 11:21pm
post #4 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by Texas_Rose

Part of me wants to say if you knew he wouldn't want a party, then you shouldn't have tried to make him have one, even if he would enjoy it once he got there. And a surprise isn't always a good thing for everyone, some people really don't like surprises. If I ever threw a surprise party for my husband, he just wouldn't go to to it. He'd walk in, see the guests, and just walk right out.



I would agree with this. And I'm a "don't surprise me" type of person either. My husband would feel my wrath for days and after 20+ years of marriage, I'd start to wonder if we really should be together since he was too dumb to figure out that throwing me a party that I really don't want was a good idea.

I tend to think there are two and ONLY two kinds of people. Those who think birthdays are REALLY big deals .... and those who couldn't care less. And for some reason, the Really Big Deal people keep trying to convince the Couldn't Care Less folks how wrong they are.

If this party really is FOR him, then shouldn't you do something that HE wants to do? Somehow throwing a party for someone who doesnt want a party doesn't seem like a good "gift". It's like giving a horse to someone who lives in a condo.

Perhaps his 'backlash' about being togehter or not is just his way of venting his frustration about attending a party that he seems to be very uncomfortable about attending.

Horselady Posted 20 Oct 2009 , 12:40am
post #5 of 19

No. Party is off. He says no and I do respect that. Just frustrated.

Backlash. No he's been thinking this all summer just can't seem to really leave. Idk

Doug Posted 20 Oct 2009 , 1:22am
post #6 of 19

wonder if the "leaving" talk is a function of the medical issue, esp. if he is older than you.

Possibly sees the handwriting of AGE on the wall and is worried about his length of life vs. yours, his state of health and not wanting to be a burden, etc.

tracycakes Posted 20 Oct 2009 , 2:24am
post #7 of 19

I completely understand about wanting to do something special for him - I also have a husband who is 15 years older than me and would kill me if I threw him a surprise party. I know my hubby has had age and health concerns because he is older than me. I'm sure your bf has some of those feelings also. I wish the best for both of you.

LaBellaFlor Posted 20 Oct 2009 , 4:40am
post #8 of 19

Indy you are so right. I am the "Birthdays are Big Deal" person and can't figure out for the life of me what's wrong with the "Couldn't Careless" people! lol. 6 years is a long time, I think I would fight too. Unless there are clear cut signs, not age related, then it would be hard for me to walk away as well.

-K8memphis Posted 20 Oct 2009 , 9:49am
post #9 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi


I tend to think there are two and ONLY two kinds of people. Those who think birthdays are REALLY big deals .... and those who couldn't care less. And for some reason, the Really Big Deal people keep trying to convince the Couldn't Care Less folks how wrong they are.




This is how it is at work. I do not want my birthday celebrated there. They're not listening. Last year I stayed home.

I endured the previous year but I don't want it means something. It's my birthday, not yours. It was for two or three people so...they had other celebrants aka victims.

In 1st grade, Mom made and brought cupcakes to school and it was wonderful. Dude, that was over 50 years ago, let's move on. I mean I like my birthday. My family and I celebrate it. That's cool.

And to the op--so sorry that all happened. I know how hard you were working on it. (((big hug)))

edited for clarity/typos

lthiele Posted 20 Oct 2009 , 12:39pm
post #10 of 19

I love to plan nice things for people I love too, but sometimes it doesn't come off the way you imagine in your head. I'm guessing his sister told him because she knows him better than you do (no offence). Some people would rather stick a hot poker in their eye, than be the centre of attention.
The good thing about having party stuff in the house is, you usually dont have to wait too long till you can use it for someone else! Whether you end up with him or not - you've got great stuff for your next birthday!

Horselady Posted 20 Oct 2009 , 1:15pm
post #11 of 19

Thanks guys. Just feeling really down. We both had really high levels of carbon monoxide in 2008 and it has caused a lot of issues for both of us.so there are those issues plus the age difference. I don't know what to think anymore. I can't make him stay. Has to b his choice.
The more I push and say I love him, its my choice/my life, whatever the more he pulls away. So I'm at his mercy for the moment I guess. I think six years is a long time too but he says its nothing just a blink. Again age difference.

AverageMom Posted 20 Oct 2009 , 1:33pm
post #12 of 19

Let him go. If he really wants to not be there, you can't force him. And as for the party...
I totally get his point. I despise surprise parties. The absolute worst thing is when I say "NO PARTY" and someone decides to go ahead and totally disregard my feelings.

indydebi Posted 20 Oct 2009 , 1:38pm
post #13 of 19
Quote:
Originally Posted by AverageMom

The absolute worst thing is when I say "NO PARTY" and someone decides to go ahead and totally disregard my feelings.




Because at that point, the party isn't for the birthday person anymore .... it's for the party thrower.

lthiele Posted 20 Oct 2009 , 9:23pm
post #14 of 19

It sounds like he is trying to leave you with the least possible amount of pain to you. By making it seem its in your best interest, you dont have to feel like you've done anything wrong and your dignity stays intact. Maybe he just doesn't want to say "HE" wants out to spare your feelings. If he's been sketchy all summer as you say, was this party really about you clutching at straws with some grand gesture to keep him?

Horselady Posted 21 Oct 2009 , 2:25am
post #15 of 19

No, not grasping. No don't think he really "wants" to go. Think he just thinks is right thing to do. But all that said when I put down the "make a choice, stay or leave" speech he chose to stay.

Party had good intentions. We've never talked about parties so didn't know he wouldn't like it. And still feel hed have a great time if hed let me throw it. But I do respect him enough not to try to "force" anything on him.

We've put ourselves in hard spot, but I see the bright side(s)

lthiele Posted 21 Oct 2009 , 6:49am
post #16 of 19

Good Luck - I hope it works out for you! icon_smile.gif

seasonsmoke Posted 21 Oct 2009 , 9:50am
post #17 of 19

I started dating the man that turned into my husband when I was 30 and he was 47. Now I'm 34 with a baby almost 4 months old. We are talking about more kids.

Before him I dated other older men that let their age get in the way.

You have been together for 6 years and that is a long time. If your man is around 50 years old now, he might just be uncomfortable about his age. My husband got a little grumpy around the 50 mark. That lasted a while. My husband also dose not want a birthday party, no way, no how.

HowCoolGomo1 Posted 21 Oct 2009 , 10:43am
post #18 of 19

I don't know if this will help. I hate anyone or anything involved with my B. Day. This could be 99% rule.


Then, there is the; thing!, I have a desire to get wet by Shamu! I want to be spit on! I want it so bad I actually try to pay people to be there. Still can't get humans to get over themselves and get wet.

Try talking to him. Can't hurt!

cheesecakekathy Posted 22 Oct 2009 , 11:00pm
post #19 of 19

The one problem with this issue I see .You should've takened baby steps considering he does not like to be the one in the limelight. icon_redface.gif I know because myhusband doesnot like for me to make a fuss about anything when it comes to him. Maybe you and a couple of your friends could have went out and did something as a couples.

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