Has Your Kindness Ever Bit You In The Butt??

Decorating By rnt96 Updated 10 Oct 2009 , 10:17pm by Lita829

rnt96 Posted 7 Oct 2009 , 3:07am
post #1 of 36

I'm doing a wedding cake, totally free as a gift for a friend. I'm also hosting the party at my house, ect ect. I'm worried she's gonna moan and complain if something isn't right in the end and i'll end up feeling used.

So, I was wondering, has anyone here ever done something so kind and generous, only to have it come back and bite you in the @#%# in the end?

35 replies
Texas_Rose Posted 7 Oct 2009 , 3:13am
post #2 of 36

I don't think you should plan on that happening...she's very lucky to have a friend like you and I bet she knows it!

SJ169 Posted 7 Oct 2009 , 3:26am
post #3 of 36

I agree with Texas_Rose ..I wouldnt plan for something like that to happen.

And if your friend does try to guilt you for something maybe not going perfect then you might have to remind them that you did them a favour by hosting the party and making her the cake (which are two very big favours)

StaceyCakes75 Posted 7 Oct 2009 , 3:30am
post #4 of 36

She is lucky to have you as a friend. What makes you think she will complain? Is she that kind of person? I would just try to think positive and expect nothing in return. When you expect nothing your feeling can not get hurt. In the end you might be pleasantly surprised.

LaBellaFlor Posted 7 Oct 2009 , 3:44am
post #5 of 36

Yes. And what made it so bad, I was standing right behind at her reception, where I did the wedding cake, and she was talking about me, bad. She was talking how I kept bothering her for a picture of the cake she wanted and was getting on her nerves. Not to mention all other people she had talked to about me. Didn't find anything about this until after the fact. I will NEVER do anything free again. Now, my question to you is, if thats how you feel it's gonna be, then why are you doing it? See, I didn't know it was gonna be like that in my situation. If I did, I wouldn't have done it. In the long run, you can't get mad if it turns out this way, cause you thought that it might be a bad idea. You would have no one to be mad at but yourself.

And StacyCakes75 has another point. If your hoping for big thanks & recognotion after the fact, dont' do it. You should only do things out of the goodness of your heart.

krissycupcakes Posted 7 Oct 2009 , 4:00am
post #6 of 36

let me tell you my butt has been sore for a while now!!!! my best friend is a pain in my butt!!!! i was the only person in the bridal party so i threw the shower she was going to get married in vagas but then changed it to something localand moved up the date at this point i had already booked the place and bought all the personalized vagas theme decorations so i went with what i had planned because i couldnt affond to change it!! and she kinda gave me that look of OMG really this is what she did vagas theme!! and then for her bachalorette which we did after her wedding while her hubby was in iraq( thinking it would cheer her up) she said no strippers!! so i rented 2 hotel suites bought booze and snacks and hired a personal massage theripest to come in and give everyone a 30 min message. and they could stay over and got spa gift bags i paid for everything and she was like i dont want a massage!!! and then all the other girls acted weird!!!!! well thanks for listening to me rant (it felt good) and i hope this makes you feel better about what ever your friend does or says. but im sure this wont happen to you not everyone cake be as B!tchy as my friend!!

rnt96 Posted 7 Oct 2009 , 4:27am
post #7 of 36

I honestly want her to have the wedding that she couldn't otherwise afford, so thats why I said I would do the cake and the other stuff, but as time goes on, I see her wanting so many people to do or give for free and I'm getting a little resentful when so many of us are doing the work getting things ready, spending money on things and she is no where to be found. Yes, she tends to be "that kind of person". One who doesn't see that people care about her, stays negative type. I've always been the one to try to help her stay positive and look at the things to be thankful for ect.

I guess I'm also afraid that if it backfires and I get too criticized in any way, then I'm gonna be mad at myself for getting myself into a situation that I shoulda saw coming. I tend to think I can save the world sometimes.

Thanks for sharing with me. I'm going to pull on my big girl panties and keep on trucking knowing that whatever the end result, I wanted to do something special for someone I care about, bottom line. I'm getting back on the positive track and planning to stay there.

I have to add this too, to everyone here at CC, I can't say how much I've enjoyed reading and learning on here. I've been more the lurker type and have just started to get comfortable enough to chyme in here and there, but I've really come to know some of you just by reading the posts and concidering I don't get out all that much to socialize, I feel like I amongst friends when I log on here. Geesh, hope that wasn't too weird or cheesy! icon_smile.gif

__Jamie__ Posted 7 Oct 2009 , 4:34am
post #8 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by rnt96

I honestly want her to have the wedding that she couldn't otherwise afford, so thats why I said I would do the cake and the other stuff, but as time goes on, I see her wanting so many people to do or give for free and I'm getting a little resentful when so many of us are doing the work getting things ready, spending money on things and she is no where to be found. Yes, she tends to be "that kind of person". One who doesn't see that people care about her, stays negative type. I've always been the one to try to help her stay positive and look at the things to be thankful for ect




detective.gif And the penny drops. Low on funds, overflowing with that good ole' entitlement attitude. Their a$$es make the best noise of all when the doors slam shut on their bee-hinds. icon_lol.gif

madgeowens Posted 7 Oct 2009 , 4:49am
post #9 of 36

I flew my younger sister to Orlando Florida some years ago and had a stretch limo waiting for her.......I treated her like a little princess........we stayed at a beautiful resort and she had a wonderful time...........when my dad died about2 years later she was afraid I might get five dollars more than her and she got real strange with me(greed is a wonderful thing).....I wound up in the hospital and she called the hospital to find out if I had a heart attack over some nasty thing she said to me, and she laughed....so hey I been there and more than once....I do and do and do because I like to make people happy, and they do more often than not come back and bite you in the ass...........but as long as you know it ahead of time you should be ok....if it makes you feel good, don't worry about it....they have to live with themselves.......I wish you the best

Texas_Rose Posted 7 Oct 2009 , 4:55am
post #10 of 36

The things you do out of the kindness of your heart for people who don't really deserve them say more about you than about the recipient. Don't worry about what she thinks or says, just know you're going above and beyond what most people would do for a friend like that.

KitchenKat Posted 7 Oct 2009 , 5:01am
post #11 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by LaBellaFlor


And StacyCakes75 has another point. If your hoping for big thanks & recognotion after the fact, dont' do it. You should only do things out of the goodness of your heart.




True. True. True.

I put myself in this situation before. Made a shoe and purse cake for a new friend that I thought would be a BFF keeper. Not. People asked me how I felt that she was seemingly not over the moon about the cake. I said I didn't care because I didn't do it for the kudos but for the joy of giving. (true; i wasn't just saying that).

Anyways this new friend never did order anything from me. When she threw parties she would get cake from someone else, which caused other people to talk. Again I didn't care because that's her prerogative.

What ultimately broke our relationship down was when my oldest son got dangerously sick and I didn't get any message or visit from her at all. I realized then that she just wasn't the friend I thought she was.

So...the way she dealt with the cake was probably a warning sign but the true test of a friendship is in the caring shown between the two of you.

DefyGravity Posted 7 Oct 2009 , 3:45pm
post #12 of 36

Well, I haven't done anything overly nice in a while, because I usually end up getting treated like slime somehow. Its a shame, because I love doing things like that, but can't deal with the end result of getting stepped on. Now, if I see the potential for something to happen that will lead me to regret it, I just avoid it altogether.

It does help you weed out who is a real friend and who needs to be deleted from your phonebook though.

rosiecast Posted 7 Oct 2009 , 4:22pm
post #13 of 36

I feel for you. I love doing things for my family/friends- most of them appreciate whatever I do. But I have a cousin who thinks the world revolves around her. When her son's 1st birthday came around I rented a Pooh costume and put it on for about 1 hour to entertain the kids and take pics. then I go to change and hear her talking to her mom: "She hasn't done any games with the kids. I'm so mad" I turned around and told her that she was very ungrateful and that it wasn't my kid's birthday and I was doing more than her. Her face turned white and she looked shocked. Goes to show you, the ones that complain behind your back, when confronted run.. LOL

If your friend complains then you'll know what she's made of. But like some posters said: don't think negative, just do the best you can and hold your head up high. And I would love to see the wedding cake, of course.

CountryCakery4 Posted 7 Oct 2009 , 4:55pm
post #14 of 36

Why is it that so many of us try to do the 'nice' thing and then get treated badly after? Do we have a sign on our backs saying "Please walk all over me"?

Now I personally have to say that I've been very lucky and not had this experience but it makes me sad to hear so many stories like this.

rnt96, good luck with this wedding. I hope all goes smoothly for you.

colombean Posted 7 Oct 2009 , 5:07pm
post #15 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by rnt96

I honestly want her to have the wedding that she couldn't otherwise afford, so thats why I said I would do the cake and the other stuff, but as time goes on, I see her wanting so many people to do or give for free and I'm getting a little resentful when so many of us are doing the work getting things ready, spending money on things and she is no where to be found. Yes, she tends to be "that kind of person". One who doesn't see that people care about her, stays negative type. I've always been the one to try to help her stay positive and look at the things to be thankful for ect.

I guess I'm also afraid that if it backfires and I get too criticized in any way, then I'm gonna be mad at myself for getting myself into a situation that I shoulda saw coming. I tend to think I can save the world sometimes.

Thanks for sharing with me. I'm going to pull on my big girl panties and keep on trucking knowing that whatever the end result, I wanted to do something special for someone I care about, bottom line. I'm getting back on the positive track and planning to stay there.

I have to add this too, to everyone here at CC, I can't say how much I've enjoyed reading and learning on here. I've been more the lurker type and have just started to get comfortable enough to chyme in here and there, but I've really come to know some of you just by reading the posts and concidering I don't get out all that much to socialize, I feel like I amongst friends when I log on here. Geesh, hope that wasn't too weird or cheesy! icon_smile.gif




i have to tell you, there is something sick about people like this. I've read those horror stories in so many magazines. but I will tell you if she isn't happy.. oh well! I will bet that every person that will be in attendance is going to love whatever you do. she won't be happy only if she is just the type of person to not be happy about anything. but if she isn't she's going to be happy.

mkolmar Posted 7 Oct 2009 , 8:43pm
post #16 of 36

I've been lucky. Most people appreciate what I do when I try helping them. There has been a few times though where I've broke my back to help someone out and it was as if it were to be expected. (Usually by a few family members-- I just say no now though) I'm a very giving person, and this drives my DH batty at times.
Now that I'm getting older I'm more careful about what I'm willing to do. I'm not superwoman.

cakesdivine Posted 7 Oct 2009 , 11:16pm
post #17 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by rnt96

So, I was wondering, has anyone here ever done something so kind and generous, only to have it come back and bite you in the @#%# in the end?




More times than I care to remember! thumbsdown.gif

Spuddysmom Posted 7 Oct 2009 , 11:36pm
post #18 of 36

Things often go wrong when we jump up and offer our services as a gift and expect something in return (usually graditude, right?), but a real gift is just that, a gift. Did the person ask you for this favor? Then you are more than justified in feeling slighted if there isn't appreciation, but sometimes a person on the receiving end really doesn't understand how much of you is involved in your gift and would have been happy with much less. Only offer when it is totally from your heart and you don't require gratitude then you will always be rewarded (if only by your own satisfaction).

Jayde Posted 8 Oct 2009 , 12:05am
post #19 of 36

One time did I let a friend take that kind of advantage of me and it was the last. My situation was similar to LaBella's. I was bugging her too much for pictures of what she wanted, I was trying to plan the cake for her, I was ruining 'her' day by telling her that I wouldnt do mousse filling (it was outdoors in July, for heavens sakes), I was taking over her wedding and who did I think I was? All because I was wanting her to commit to a flavor/style.

She was a very good friend of mine and I was put in and taken out of the wedding party twice. I ended up not being in the wedding party, but had to listen to every BM (also all really good friends) crab, whine, complain, and yes cry becase she was being a zilla. At the end they refused to have anything to do with the bachelorette party. I paid for the hotel, so she would have one, I also paid for her meal since none of the maids would pony up.

I also sat there and made out most of the shower invites while the other maids were out smoking. I also was the one that realized that the shower location wasnt going to work since the street that it was off of was closed for a parade that day, forcing ME to call all 78 guests and explain to them the new location and time.

I did all of this for her to tell me years later that she should have had me in her wedding cause her BMs sucked and they didnt really do anything. I guess it is a good thing that her husband was my brother, otherwise I would have killed her. Never ever again....

DEBBIE157 Posted 8 Oct 2009 , 12:16am
post #20 of 36

"I guess it was a good thing that her husband was my brother."

Great ending. I wasn't expecting that one.

bettinashoe Posted 8 Oct 2009 , 12:51am
post #21 of 36

For every person who is a giver there is a person out there who is a taker. That is what balances this world. If everyone was a giver or a taker the balance would totally be "off." Personally, I would much rather be a giver than a taker and I know there will always be someone out there who will push the limit. That is their problem, not mine. I will continue to give because to not do so becomes my problem, not theirs. Give what you can to your friend, but don't do it with regret, do it with love knowing that the gift will probably not be as appreciated as it should have been. Your friend will never know how much time, energy and tears you put into her wedding. But when it turns out wonderfully, you will know you succeeded. And remember, it is a gift you are ultimately giving yourself, not her.

Ruth0209 Posted 8 Oct 2009 , 1:38am
post #22 of 36

I can't believe this conversation. There is nothing noble about giving of yourself to people who don't deserve it. If you continue to give of your time, energy, money, whatever to people who you KNOW will not appreciate it, then that says to me that you are a person with no self-respect. If you're so insecure about what a good and valuable person you are that you feel you need to give in this way, you need to step back and think about what you need to do for yourself FIRST. The OP says that she thinks she can "save the world". In this case, that translates to, "My friend is an inconsiderate jerk, but if I'M GOOD ENOUGH and show her how to be a nice person, I'll save her and make her into a nice person, too." Please trust me in this. It doesn't work. You can't fix anyone else.

Besides, let's admit it that when this woman has a good wedding, you're hoping everyone will say, "Isn't [your name here] a wonderful person to have worked so hard to give her a great wedding when she didn't even appreciate it?! A bit of a martyr trip, if you're honest.

Women in particular seem to do this, and it is so frustrating to me. You have a right to reserve your kindness for people who deserve to receive it. Respect yourself enough to stop giving that away indiscriminately.

I'm not trying to be ugly. You genuinely sound like a kind and generous person. Please quit giving that away to people who don't value you.

madgeowens Posted 9 Oct 2009 , 12:12am
post #23 of 36

Ruth, there are some people who really believe it is better to give then receive. I happen to be one of those people. I think if I had to live my life worried that if I do something nice for someone, are they going to kick me in the gut for thanks....I would be a very unhappy person. I have done many acts of kindness and more than I like to remember the person was unkind or uncharitable to me after the fact, but I would not change myself to be suspicious or worried that if I am nice they will be nasty later for no good reason...........I do things for people because it makes me feel good to do for others........it hurts when it is not appreciated, but I will not reduce myself to that level. If you want to do something for someone then do it, and do it for the right reasons.

Ruth0209 Posted 9 Oct 2009 , 3:27am
post #24 of 36

Madge, I agree with you. I also subscribe to your philosophy for living. And have I been burned by people to whom I have extended kindness? Of course, I have, and that's okay because that doesn't diminish the goodness of the act itself. But it only happens once. Once I know what that person is made of, I don't let them take advantage of me over and over.

The OP needs to value herself and her own feelings as much as the other person's and not let herself be taken advantage of. There's a difference between being a thoughtful person and being a doormat.

madgeowens Posted 9 Oct 2009 , 3:45am
post #25 of 36

Thats very true Ruth........and the school of hard knocks teaches us all one way or another.....I think the older you get the more wise in these things you become.

cakesdivine Posted 9 Oct 2009 , 3:06pm
post #26 of 36

Man I have to say I am getting a big dose of butt biting due to kindess from caking this week, yesterday on here, and at home from my daughter! YIKES! icon_lol.gif

Lita829 Posted 9 Oct 2009 , 3:27pm
post #27 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by rnt96

I'm doing a wedding cake, totally free as a gift for a friend. I'm also hosting the party at my house, ect ect. I'm worried she's gonna moan and complain if something isn't right in the end and i'll end up feeling used.

So, I was wondering, has anyone here ever done something so kind and generous, only to have it come back and bite you in the @#%# in the end?




To answer your question....CONSTANTLY!!! I have learned the hard way that many...no MOST people take kindness for weakness or take advantage of it. That is why I am now VERY careful of who I do nice things for.

indydebi Posted 9 Oct 2009 , 4:15pm
post #28 of 36

The WORST one I had was a catering.

Bride was incredibly wonderful. She had a tight budget from dad and she was SO respectful of trying to stay in budget, and she wasnt' trying to stayin budget by getting me to pay for it. SHe was working hard to see what she could sub out and cut out to stay inside her number. Because she was trying so hard, I was working with her.

In the end, I ate the kitchen access fee, I brought more food than was paid for, and when I added it all up, I pretty much ate $800 for this young lady. And don't get me wrong, she was very appreciative.

Then the parents got involved.

I should say ONE parent. See, I didnt' know this was a step-family deal. To make a too-long-story short, the bio-mom, who didn't pay a DIME for the food, called me and reamed me out because we ran out of meatballs and the crackers were broken.

Let me point out that we ONLY ran out of meatballs, not any of the other appetizer foods they ordered for a 7:30 p.m. reception (no buffet ... just appetizers, at 7:30 at night!) , and they paid for food for 100-125 and had 170 show up. These were not unexpected guests, but the parents were trying to do it 'on the cheap'. the bartender was int he same boat, as I heard him in thekitchen on the phone trying to get add'l supplies brought in for him. I ask him how many peole he was told to plan for and he was told 100. BUT .... the aunt, who made the wedding cake for FREE, was told to plan for 160-175. "Things that make ya go Hmmmmm...!" icon_rolleyes.gif

Bio-mom (and did I mentioned she didnt' pay me a DIME on ths deal?) had the NERVE to tell me that since it was the dinner hour, that *I* should have planned better and brought more food.

The only redeeming factor is that I got a WONDERFUL email from the stepmom who said, "I understand you had an interesting conversation with (hubby's) ex. We are SO sorry. (bride) would be devistated if she knew you were being talked to like that. We know you went above and beyond and we are recommending you to everyone."

I still have that email and it's about 4 years old.

But it was this episode that taughtme to never devalue my time and product again.

cheesecakekathy Posted 9 Oct 2009 , 11:28pm
post #29 of 36

I have always believed that when doing or giving something for a friend as a gift, I do it because it is in my heart to do it. (A) Not to look for anything in return , other than thank you (b) not to have my good thrown in my face. If they in the long run mess that up, its on them. They won't get a second chance to be ungrateful, selfish or unappreciative of anything I might do.
I have learned that what goes around comes around.

newmansmom2004 Posted 9 Oct 2009 , 11:48pm
post #30 of 36
Quote:
Originally Posted by krissycupcakes

let me tell you my butt has been sore for a while now!!!! my best friend is a pain in my butt!!!! i was the only person in the bridal party so i threw the shower she was going to get married in vagas but then changed it to something localand moved up the date at this point i had already booked the place and bought all the personalized vagas theme decorations so i went with what i had planned because i couldnt affond to change it!! and she kinda gave me that look of OMG really this is what she did vagas theme!! and then for her bachalorette which we did after her wedding while her hubby was in iraq( thinking it would cheer her up) she said no strippers!! so i rented 2 hotel suites bought booze and snacks and hired a personal massage theripest to come in and give everyone a 30 min message. and they could stay over and got spa gift bags i paid for everything and she was like i dont want a massage!!! and then all the other girls acted weird!!!!! well thanks for listening to me rant (it felt good) and i hope this makes you feel better about what ever your friend does or says. but im sure this wont happen to you not everyone cake be as B!tchy as my friend!!




Wow! I'm guessing after the two episodes of total ungrateful wenchiness, she's no longer your friend??? That would certainly have been the last time I'd do anything for someone so unappreciative.

That's why I like my dogs way better than most people! icon_razz.gificon_lol.gificon_razz.gif

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