Marriage In Trouble Need Advice

Lounge By mrspriss0912 Updated 9 Oct 2009 , 3:23pm by Dale

mrspriss0912 Posted 4 Oct 2009 , 3:23pm
post #1 of 50

Ok Ccers I need some advice I am afraid that I may be in an abusive marriage....
Last week dh and i got into a hughe fight over finances He isnt working a regular job and I work 40+ hrs a week. our bank account came up overdrawn again and when i started asking about what he had been spending he said it was me! I have looked over past bank statements and I know its not me but any who the argument got heated I yelled and he yelled. This time though he grabbed me and pushed me down. I slapped him and got up. So you see we both took it to a new level I feel bad for what happened and he said he dose too and said he will never do it again. I am afraid thought that this has just began a cycle that will only get worse. my family and friends have told me to get out it wont get any better. I want to believe that things are going to be bette though we have already been throught infidelity and i gave him a second chance and took him back. This is my second marriage and I dont want to go through another divorce because I dont like the idea of breaking my vows again I want this to work!!....but I willl not be mistreated like that nor do i want to ever be that angry again as to hit someone. I deciced to give it some time and one last chance which hasnt met well with friends and family I feel like i have to though am i crazy for not want ing to give up on this marriage ????? Thanks

49 replies
indydebi Posted 4 Oct 2009 , 3:52pm
post #2 of 50

Being a person who's "been there, survived that".......

I have zero tolerance for this, so when I say that I understand how people can blow their cool "one" time, that's saying a lot, coming from me.

I would ask if there are any other "signs"? An abuser is a controlling person. DOes he have to know where you are all the time? Is he regimented, having to have dinner "on time" all the time, his clothes HAVE to be folded a certain way, he can spend whatever he wants but YOU have to account for where you spend the money?

He's un-under employed, money is tight, checkbook is overdrawn "again". Yet both of you say this wont' happen again. The triggers are still there ... unemployed, overdrawn, tight money ..... so how do you KNOW these triggers that are still in place wont' trigger it again?

Your friends are saying get out. Friends don't say this over a one-time incident. What else have they seen that you're not seeing or denying ..... and when we're in that situation, we do a LOT of denying. I think 2nd or 3rd marriages have more denying because we dont' want to admit we're wrong "again". We try to soften the reality ("he didn't HIT me ... he just PUSHED me....") to try to fool ourselves.

Oh yeah, and they're ALWAYS sorry .... always.

mkolmar Posted 4 Oct 2009 , 3:53pm
post #3 of 50

I read something interesting in your post, that may be from the wording or something more deep. When you said you don't want this marriage to fail because you don't want to break your vows a 2nd time....is this because you love him and want it to work or because you don't want to get divorced a 2nd time? Once you figure that question out that will tell you more what needs to be done.
Your marriage has been through a lot. A lot more than I would put up with.
Isn't this the man that had someone on the side and even bought her an engagement ring out of your joint account? (I think this was you who posted that once, but I may be wrong)

paulstonia Posted 4 Oct 2009 , 5:49pm
post #4 of 50

Ok, not that I would want anyone to stay in an abusive relationship, but other side of the coin. Were you in his face, were the words you used belittling? Not an excuse for a man to hurt you, but I have a son whose wife does that. Breaks things, throws things at him, and says really awful stuff to him when she's angry. He's been out of work for a while. He's been looking but the job market in Ca. is bad. So life is stressful. He's never hit her, but he has had to push her away from him to walk out so he wouldn't. What I am saying is make sure you fight fair. Better yet try to discuss financial matters when your not so upset. Have a plan for how the two of you will handle things. Take a time out and come back if things get too heated. And of course as indydebi said look for those warning signs. Don't shut yourself off from family and friends, they see thing from the outside we can't. If they're saying leave, ask them why? Is it because your supporting him for now or is it something more? I hope things get better for you. Good luck.

d3sc3n7 Posted 4 Oct 2009 , 5:55pm
post #5 of 50

Ok...lets look at it from a male point of view.

First off, I can in no way condone violence in a relationship. However, I do understand that a person can, ONCE, lose all control and take it to that level. My wife and I have been there, ONCE (no, I didnt do the hitting). Shes the one with the temper, so I will pin her down, but wont hit her. ANYWAY!

I know you want it to work...you want everything to be happy. The question is, does he? It looks like your willing to put in 110%, but if he isnt willing to do the same then your going to have a hard decision to make.

You two should IMHO sit down, and talk it all out. Don't pull any punches, lay it all on the table. Feelings WILL be hurt, emotions will flare...you have to go into it knowing this, and be willing to deal with it.

LaBellaFlor Posted 4 Oct 2009 , 6:44pm
post #6 of 50

All very good advice. All very insightful. Just so you know, finances is the #1 reason for divorces.

ShelleyMJ Posted 4 Oct 2009 , 7:57pm
post #7 of 50

Been there, done it, no tolerance for the violence..... Not once, not ever!

I was hospitalized by a person that I had to get a restraining order on many years ago. Of course the restraining order stops no one, but it is a legal avenue.

Get out before someone gets hurt.

Texas_Rose Posted 4 Oct 2009 , 9:10pm
post #8 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by mrspriss0912

I dont want to go through another divorce because I dont like the idea of breaking my vows again




If someone abuses you, he's already breaking the vows. If you need a divorce in order to be safe, then it's not something to be ashamed of.

That being said, I think you can have an isolated incident and it doesn't automatically doom you to a lifetime of abuse. From what you described, he pushed you, you hit him, and then you both talked about it and decided never to cross that line again. So at this point, it's not a pattern.

My husband and I had a problem like that before...we were arguing (about money) and I reached the point where I knew we weren't going to make any progress in the resolving things, so I went to the bathroom which doesn't have a lock, and leaned against the door to keep him out. Then I quit pushing on the door on my side and he hit the door really hard on his side and knocked me into the bathtub. I hit the tile wall so hard I saw stars. He insisted he didn't mean to knock me down (and I am bigger than him so I can see where he might not have thought it was possible). When it happened I was really upset. I thought our marriage was over...but we managed to work through it.

Oddly enough that was the last time we even yelled at each other. Now when we have to discuss something, we do it fairly calmly, or if one of us needs to take a break from the discussion, we do that and just come back to it later. It's been three years since then.

You have to remember that men are brought up to feel like they should support the family. So when they don't have a job, not only is there the shame of not being able to find a job, but the extra shame of being supported by a woman.

Etta1025 Posted 4 Oct 2009 , 9:35pm
post #9 of 50

I have two absolute deal breakers in a relationship:

1. Cheating
2. Hitting or laying hands on me in a violent way

Anything else I can work through. Sounds to me like your husband has done both. For me, the relationship would be over.

Doug Posted 4 Oct 2009 , 9:52pm
post #10 of 50

1) did we ever actually analyze the bank statement to see the REAL source of the overdrawn status?

who REALLY overspent?

or was it just assumed it was "all his fault?"


2) this incident has the potential to go either way -- one time kerfluffle or start of a very nasty pattern -- she yells (abuses) he strikes back.

the givens:

  • 2nd marriage

  • infidelity 1x already on his part (there went the vows!) -- failure to respect his wife and their marriage

  • irrational reason for staying -- not breaking vows 2x -- OP has not broken the vows; the vows broken by him with his infidelity and now this marriage is as good as dead in that regard -- (and if that was situation in OP's 1st marriage then again, she hasn't broken any vows!)

  • failure to respect or show concern for the ailing emotional and psychological health of the husband resulting from his employment status and cultural stereotyping and expectations that he be the main support of the family

  • husband's lack of self control with money

  • outside observers' comments and advice that the relationship is best terminated.




rational conclusion -- down for the count -- get out!

-------------------------------------------

and NOW THE RANT:

and why pray tell is it ALWAYS the MAN who is at fault?

why is it always the man who could be, might be, will be, is the abuser!?!?!

It's ALWAYS his fault seems to be the mantra of women.

just reading through the posts here -- several clearly show that the FIRST move -- the INITIATING MOVE was by the WOMAN -- but in all they make it out to be the man's fault!

even the one post that talks of the wife saying really awful things, breaking things, throwing things still carries a tone of he would be an abuser if he practiced SELF DEFENSE and sides with the wife over her own son! even implies that pushing the abusive wife off (defending self) is potentially abuse!

what manure!

abuse doesn't have to be just physical

and from reading these posts -- several show SEVERE verbal, emotional and mental abuse being perpetrated by WOMEN on men -- but no -- it's the man's fault.

----

funny how with woman's lib, women were supposed to be equal to men in all things and some have taken that to mean they can abuse men but then instantly switch over to "poor helpless thing" and cry abuse when they started it!

sorry, but if a woman hits me, I DO have the right of self defense! --- but oh yes, defending myself makes me an abuser just because I'm a man.

And YES -- yelling IS ABUSIVE!

but that's right -- it's only abuse if a MAN does it.

what a freaking stupid double standard

can't have it both ways! if women are abuse via yelling, demeaning, denigrating, other emotional or psychological ploys (silent treatment, sleep separately, sighs, disdainful expressions) or worse yet physical violence -- then don't be surprised if the man gets angry and wants to lash out just like a woman would if the man did that to her!

----

women want men to be civil to them? then women have to be civil to men too!

(edited -- guilty of spelling abuse, typing abuse, grammar abuse!)

LaBellaFlor Posted 4 Oct 2009 , 10:05pm
post #11 of 50

No matter how I may be able to go off on my hand, I will NEVER have the strength to take him in a fight. Does it make it okay, for a wife to mistreat her husband, no. Does it make it okay for a man to put his hand's on his wife, cause of verbal abuse, NEVER. There are leaps and bounds between verbal abuse & physical abuse.

Jen80 Posted 4 Oct 2009 , 10:07pm
post #12 of 50

Judi, your story brought tears to my eyes.

Mrspriss, if he was mine he would already be gone. I never let any of my past relationships get to the stage where they cheated on me. As soon as their eyes started to wander it was "Bye bye."

As far as him being abusive, if you give him a second chance you have to stick to your guns and let him go if it happens again. I couldn't though. If my husband ever even looked like he was going to hit me I'd have to get outta there. He's so massive campared to me he'd kill me with one flick of his little finger and I aint tiny.

Paulstonia, I know where you're coming from. I have a close relative who deliberatley pushes all of her husbands buttons so that he will hit her, just so she's got something to cry about when the girls get together. She is one person who thrives on drama. That might not go down too well with some of you here, but she knows what she's doing and she loves it.

Doug Posted 4 Oct 2009 , 10:12pm
post #13 of 50
Quote:
Quote:

There are leaps and bounds between verbal abuse & physical abuse.


not buying it.

the vast need for psychiatrists and psychologists and personal counseling proves otherwise.

verbal abuse creates deep psychological and emotional wounds that can and sadly do persist, sometimes for a lifetime.

just because they can not be seen in the form of scars or bruises or broken bones or cuts or torn flesh or physical disfigurement, emotional and psychological wounds are every bit as real, every bit as hurtful and can be FAR more debilitating.

words ARE weapons!

ABUSE -- verbal or physical is wrong no matter who does it.

Jen80 Posted 4 Oct 2009 , 10:16pm
post #14 of 50

Doug- thumbs_up.gif

Deb_ Posted 4 Oct 2009 , 10:26pm
post #15 of 50

Any adult should be able to have enough self control to walk away from a heated argument before it turns physical.

It's NEVER ok to shove, push, hit, punch, or physically hold down your partner......I don't care how heated the verbal argument gets you ALWAYS have the CHOICE to just leave the room/house or just WALK AWAY.

No double standard here......yelling, name calling, sighing, ignoring etc., does not equate to punching, hitting, shoving etc.

It only takes one shove for someone to fall and hit their head hard enough to kill them. It only takes one punch to break someone's nose or disfigure their face....especially at the hands of a big strong man/woman.

Doug, some of your post surprises/disturbs me. No person man or woman that has been or is being abused should be blamed for "egging on" his/her abuser. The abuser is 100% responsible for becoming physical, he/she ALWAYS has the choice to just walk away.

To the OP if your family/friends are telling you to get out maybe you need to reevaluate your reason for staying.

I'm sorry this is happening to you and I will definitely keep you in my thoughts and prayers. Stay safe and don't let the guilt of breaking your vows keep you in a physically violent marriage. Nobody DESERVES to be physically abused....not ever.

MnSnow Posted 4 Oct 2009 , 10:33pm
post #16 of 50

Had to butt in here...

He pushed her down

She slapped him

Equal abuse

Both very wrong

seasonsmoke Posted 4 Oct 2009 , 10:34pm
post #17 of 50

This is really deep and emotional. I don't agree with pushing and hitting. I do think that people can go over the line one time. Now is the time to pray. Then talk with your husband. You have been through a lot. You do not need to be a door mat. Decide what you need from him and let him know. Then be willing to listen to what he has to say. To meet in the middle both sides need to take steps.

Doug Posted 4 Oct 2009 , 10:34pm
post #18 of 50

WORDS ARE WEAPONS

egging on is STARTING a fight -- starting abuse.

----

until we realize that -- we have a double standard.

until we realize that WORDS can be the spark we have a double standard

untl we realize that WORDs harm too the cycle of abuse will not be broken!

until we realize that VERBAL abuse exists and stop it!, the cycle of abuse will continue.

until we realize that WORDS - VERBAL ABUSE kill something far more precious --- a person's HEART and SOUL, even their will to live -- then we continue to commit a heinous crime every time we use words as weapons to verbally abuse someone.

---

interesting how strongly WORDS are defended as being innocent and harmless and not at all abusive.

interesting the fixation on physical abuse and the ignoring of emotional and psychological abuse that are that product abuse use of words

interesting how so wrong to physically harm but who gives a flip about the damage done to the heart, soul and mental well being.

mbelgard Posted 4 Oct 2009 , 10:35pm
post #19 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by Doug

Quote:
Quote:

There are leaps and bounds between verbal abuse & physical abuse.

not buying it.

the vast need for psychiatrists and psychologists and personal counseling proves otherwise.

verbal abuse creates deep psychological and emotional wounds that can and sadly do persist, sometimes for a lifetime.

just because they can not be seen in the form of scars or bruises or broken bones or cuts or torn flesh or physical disfigurement, emotional and psychological wounds are every bit as real, every bit as hurtful and can be FAR more debilitating.

words ARE weapons!

ABUSE -- verbal or physical is wrong no matter who does it.





You are very right.

I was an abused child, mostly verbal/emotional, and the stuff that was SAID has had far more impact on my life than being hit with a belt.

Doug Posted 4 Oct 2009 , 10:38pm
post #20 of 50

simply put:

I KNOW where of I speak

Deb_ Posted 4 Oct 2009 , 10:39pm
post #21 of 50

Nobody is saying that verbal words are not abusive....I'm saying that BEFORE any punches are thrown.....walk away. Period.

The physical abuse was mentioned in the first line of her post and that is what I'm speaking of.

Just walk away before it becomes physical.

Doug Posted 4 Oct 2009 , 10:42pm
post #22 of 50
Quote:
Quote:

BEFORE any punches are thrown.....walk away. Period. ... Just walk away before it becomes physical.




and what of the post about the wife physically and verbally abusing the husband that insinuates that he is wrong to physically push her away when see attacks.

it is NOT always possible to just walk away (a hollywood fantasy!) -- sometimes if not oft times the other person is so in your face, so all over you that you have to physically take action to first push them away so you can then hopefully run away -- but -- oh -- that's abuse isn't it if a man has to do it to an abusing wife!

not to mention and what do you do if they follow you? chase you? try to inflict bodily harm by any number of remote means (throw things like a knife or lamp or .... or point/shoot a gun at you)

LaBellaFlor Posted 4 Oct 2009 , 10:53pm
post #23 of 50

Verbal abuse-mentally & emotionally destroys

Physical abuse-mentally & emtionally destroys and has left people dead

Leaps & bounds

Jen80 Posted 4 Oct 2009 , 11:27pm
post #24 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by LaBellaFlor

Physical abuse-mentally & emtionally destroys and has left people dead




So has verbal abuse. The difference is it's self inflicted.

indydebi Posted 4 Oct 2009 , 11:50pm
post #25 of 50

Speaking from my "been there, survived that" experience.....

To me, verbal is worse. Wounds from falling down, from being physically hit ... those heal and the bruises go away.

Verbal is forever in your mind, causing havok inside of yourself, peeling away at whatever self-respect and self-image you might have left.

Hard to explain .... you had to be there. It was 30 years ago. The mental bruise is still there.

Doug ... you are right.

Deb_ Posted 5 Oct 2009 , 12:03am
post #26 of 50

Let's stay focused on the OP's post, she's the one asking for advice.

I'm not going to psychoanalyze every abusive relationship in the world I'm certainly not qualified to do that. I'm trying to help the OP with her specific problem.

Based on the information provided to us.......

She said they had a heated argument, he became physical with her first, she then defended herself.

I hope nobody is implying that she deserved to be hit by her husband because she may have said the "wrong" thing to him.

This coward should have had the self control to not hit his wife during an argument. He crossed the line, he made it physical first. Is she not supposed to defend herself?

I've been married for 26 years and dated my husband for 5 yrs before that. We've had plenty of heated arguments over the years, but neither of us has ever let it get physical.


If this were my sister, daughter or friend who told me this exact story, I would tell her to get away because if there is a next time you may not live to tell us about it. It's the sad truth. icon_sad.gif

Doug Posted 5 Oct 2009 , 12:04am
post #27 of 50
Quote:
Quote:

Verbal abuse-mentally & emotionally destroys

Physical abuse-mentally & emtionally destroys and has left people dead

Leaps & bounds




oh, suicide doesn't count?

mental and emotional abuse cause suicide.

lots and lots of data in support of that.

Doug Posted 5 Oct 2009 , 12:07am
post #28 of 50
Quote:
Quote:

She said they had a heated argument, he became physical with her first, she then defended herself.

I hope nobody is implying that she deserved to be hit by her husband because she may have said the "wrong" thing to him.




no, asserting that the one who started the argument should have guarded the tongue and words so as not to provoke! http://net.bible.org/verse.php?book=Pro&chapter=15&verse=1

not to mention had been adult enough to discuss civilly instead of argue

Deb_ Posted 5 Oct 2009 , 12:17am
post #29 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by Doug

Quote:
Quote:


She said they had a heated argument, he became physical with her first, she then defended herself.

I hope nobody is implying that she deserved to be hit by her husband because she may have said the "wrong" thing to him.



no, asserting that she should have guarded her tongue and words so as not to provoke! http://bible.cc/proverbs/15-1.htm





So based on the information the OP provided you've concluded that she "provoked" him? icon_confused.gif

I wonder what you'd say to a daughter, sister or niece if she came to you with this same story. Would you ask her if she provoked her abuser?

That's scary.

Deb_ Posted 5 Oct 2009 , 12:21am
post #30 of 50
Quote:
Originally Posted by Doug

no, asserting that the one who started the argument should have guarded the tongue and words so as not to provoke! http://net.bible.org/verse.php?book=Pro&chapter=15&verse=1

not to mention had been adult enough to discuss civilly instead of argue




OK that part in bold wasn't there when I first quoted your post so I'll comment on that separately.


FINALLY we do agree on something LOL!.....I said it back on page one.....ONE of them should have had the sense to walk away. This whole mess would have been avoided.

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