Family Stopping By Unannounced, What Do You Do?

Lounge By BakerInHeels Updated 18 Sep 2009 , 9:24pm by Pookie59

BakerInHeels Posted 17 Sep 2009 , 2:40pm
post #1 of 24

How do you deal with this? My husband and I have been living on our own for about 4 years now, but before that we were living in an efficiency that his mom rents out. The reason we moved was because we couldn't get any privacy. His mom and his brother would come by everyday all day knocking on the door and if we didn't answer they'd go and knock at the windows until one of us opens the door icon_mad.gif See my husband and I are the types that like to walk around the house with limited clothing on icon_redface.gif but you can't do that when you have people coming to your window peering inside to see if you are sleeping or what icon_mad.gif Anywho, my husband suggested we move a few miles away, I was a little apprehensive because I knew the rent would be 3 times more expensive. But I knew that I'd be miserable living there any longer so I said yes to the move.

Unfortunately, our 25 miles away move didn't stop them from dropping by announced icon_mad.gif Now, my family already knows not to come by our house without calling first because they know that I would not open the door AT ALL! I don't care if its raining, thundering & lightning whatever, you should've called first. So my family knows the deal! Anyway when his family drops by they'll stay all day long, try to eat up all my daughters snacks, they go in and out of my refrigerator. icon_mad.gif

So yesterday, his mom stopped by of course she didn't call first. She knocked and knocked and knocked for about 15 minutes until my husband got annoyed and just opened the door. Then she had the nerve to go into our neighbors backyard without permission and begins to steal all of their avocodos off of their tree. They even threatened to call the cops and she just came in the house and laughed like it was a joke icon_eek.gificon_confused.gif What adult acts that way? I got so pissed that I just got in my car and left until I was for sure she was gone.

I know that was very rude of me but what would you have done? I don't want his family to not come over I just want them to be a little more considerate. My husband works 12-14 hour days sometimes so I know he doesn't want company everyday. Oh yes, they come by every single day. But its his mom so he just lets it slide. I don't want to make her feel bad because she did give us a place to stay for a cheap price when we were first married. I don't really want to talk to my family about it because they are liable to confront her about it icon_redface.gif

Any advice I am open for it, give it to me straight!


Thanx

BakerinHeels

23 replies
Auryn Posted 17 Sep 2009 , 3:28pm
post #2 of 24

oh man
what a pickle your in.
His mom obviously doesn't want to cut the strings.
This is really one of those situations that your husband has to deal with.
He needs to take her out to lunch and tell her bluntly and clearly that you need your privacy and she can't come by everyday.

Shoot I would put an electric charge on the buzzer hehe

THe one thing you can do- agree on it with your husband first- is to go apologize to your neighbor, explain the situation to him, and tell him to please go ahead and call the cops next time if she goes into his yard again.
She is lucky, if she did that to me I would have totally called the cops (if I was your neighbor) and I would have taken my avocados back. I might have brought the shotgun out with me too just in case so she was sure to believe me.

its your husband's mom, he is the one that needs to put his foot down.

in regards to them eating all your food. Put locks on the cabinets- im being serious, and don't let her in the house.
I know you are trying to be polite but it obviously isnt working with her. Sometimes you have to be blunt.

And as far as being grateful for what she did for you, yes you can be grateful to a certain extent, but she didn't do it out of the kindness of her heart, she did it so it would be easier for her to keep tabs on you 24/7

This comes from having a grandmother that is just like that, my parent's solution was to move to a different continent.

brincess_b Posted 17 Sep 2009 , 3:41pm
post #3 of 24

keep answering the door in 'limited clothing'! spend the whole time there with 'limited clothing' in funny positions... make her so uncomfortable she will never come back! icon_biggrin.gif got to have some guts to do that tho lol.

seriously (although i like the buzzer on the door bell idea) have a talk with your husband, since its his mother, its better coming from him. make some compromises - see them twice a week? then cut to one. then when arranged. if he wont do it, then you have to. but getting between family is really dodgy, so you have to tread very carefully!
xx

BakerInHeels Posted 17 Sep 2009 , 5:09pm
post #4 of 24

Auryn thanks for that. My husband and I have been talking about this issue for a long time. I am going to apologize to my neighbor as soon as I see him. I'll probably send over a goodie basket or something. I am so embarrassed about what she did.


Quote:
Originally Posted by brincess_b

keep answering the door in 'limited clothing'! spend the whole time there with 'limited clothing' in funny positions... make her so uncomfortable she will never come back! icon_biggrin.gif got to have some guts to do that tho lol.




brincess_b, I would do something like that but she's one of those moms who would look at us in our limited clothing and say, 'Ooh are ya'll getting ready to have sex?' icon_redface.gif Yes she's one of those types of moms. She's always in our business and she always tell her sons her personal business and I mean extremely personal. Nothing is off limits when she's talking to her sons about her sex life thumbsdown.gif One time she asked my husband and I have we ever had sex on the beach icon_eek.gif What is the term for moms like her?

Auryn Posted 17 Sep 2009 , 5:32pm
post #5 of 24

the term is pita busybody with no life and an inappropriate lack of boundaries

I'm so sorry you have a mother in law like this.

Honestly, if your husband wont do anything about it, let him know that you will. Ask him, does he want to handle it or does he want you to handle it.

My boyfriend's mom is like that, thankfully he put a stop to it right quick last year, she had a key to his apt for emergencies and he had to take it away from her.
She will try to guilt him by crying and what not, but hes been burned by her so many times that it thankfully doesnt work anymore.

BakerInHeels Posted 17 Sep 2009 , 5:39pm
post #6 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by Auryn

the term is pita busybody with no life and an inappropriate lack of boundaries

I'm so sorry you have a mother in law like this.

Honestly, if your husband wont do anything about it, let him know that you will. Ask him, does he want to handle it or does he want you to handle it.

My boyfriend's mom is like that, thankfully he put a stop to it right quick last year, she had a key to his apt for emergencies and he had to take it away from her.
She will try to guilt him by crying and what not, but hes been burned by her so many times that it thankfully doesnt work anymore.




icon_lol.gificon_lol.gif I didn't think that there were too many moms like that. I guess I'm just a bit naive. He knows that when I get fed up with something thats it, theres no telling what I might say or do. And I don't want to be like that. I'm going to have him contact her about this. Yesterday was just the final straw for me. I don't understand whats so hard about calling first, because you never know if the person is home or not. Then she complains about gas all the time, and I'm like "maybe you wouldn't have to fill up every other day if you take your a$$ home after work instead of coming to my house everyday" icon_cry.gif

Texas_Rose Posted 17 Sep 2009 , 5:45pm
post #7 of 24

Time to start taking your daughter places...go to storytime, go to the duck pond, go for walks through the shopping mall. Go to the dollar movies, go to lunch at McDonalds and let her play for an hour. Find some friends for her and go play at their house, or invite them to yours. When MIL comes by, on the rare times that she catches you at home, apologize for missing her, but tell her you're sure she understands that you need to give your daughter some interaction with other kids her age. Ask her what day she would like to come over and write it on your calendar (which is posted where she can see it, with the activities for each day written on it).

It sounds like MIL is lonely...maybe she'd like to babysit sometimes? icon_biggrin.gif

adree313 Posted 17 Sep 2009 , 6:23pm
post #8 of 24

oooh boy! my mom's sister is just like this. i always have something that i have baked out on the counter. she'll come in and just grab whatever she wants! she doesn't ask, she just grabs! okay, we're not greedy, but... what if we really wanted that last apple tartlet? doesn't matter.

i had just baked chocolate chip cookies (JUST as in the were JUST coming out of the oven when she walked in) i was putting them on the rack and she snatched up TWO before i even got them all on the cooling rack!!! and they were HUGE cookies. and then she had the nerve to get all butt hurt when i tried to tell her that i thought she'd had enough when she went back for MORE when the second batch had come out. mind you, none of us even had ONE yet and she was working on the third!

she also has no qualms about finishing the last of my mom's soda either. my mom wasn't here one day and my aunt comes traipsing through the door looking for soda. my dad told her "that's her last bottle don't finish it." my aunt looks at him, pouring soda into her HUGE glass and says "well she can just buy more." icon_confused.gificon_confused.gif

oh it's so annoying! my mom doesn't like to say anything because it's her sister, but me and my dad go NUTS everytime she walks in the house.

BakerInHeels Posted 17 Sep 2009 , 6:27pm
post #9 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by Texas_Rose

Time to start taking your daughter places...go to storytime, go to the duck pond, go for walks through the shopping mall. Go to the dollar movies, go to lunch at McDonalds and let her play for an hour. Find some friends for her and go play at their house, or invite them to yours. When MIL comes by, on the rare times that she catches you at home, apologize for missing her, but tell her you're sure she understands that you need to give your daughter some interaction with other kids her age. Ask her what day she would like to come over and write it on your calendar (which is posted where she can see it, with the activities for each day written on it).

It sounds like MIL is lonely...maybe she'd like to babysit sometimes? icon_biggrin.gif


She may be lonely but she does have a boyfriend. I don't let her babysit because she uses foul language all the time and she does it in front of our daughter. Of course she says "excuse me" but that doesn't help it if my daughter has heard that word a million times in the past 10 minutes. And I don't let my daughter go to her house because she doesn't believe in AC (we live in Miami) and its always hot and I will not have my child sweating bullets while she's sleeping. She only opens windows and uses a small desk fan to get some kind of air. So its always, always hot in her house!

Texas_Rose Posted 17 Sep 2009 , 6:29pm
post #10 of 24

My grandma is like that...her house is probably worth half a million dollars and yet she doesn't run her air conditioner because she is afraid she won't be able to pay her bill.

Anyhow, that's why MIL wants to come over, it's cool at your house!!!!icon_biggrin.gif

peg818 Posted 17 Sep 2009 , 7:00pm
post #11 of 24

You are going to have to tell her point blank, and it may not be pretty. But if you are waiting for your husband to do it, you may be waiting much longer then you can stand.

indydebi Posted 17 Sep 2009 , 7:26pm
post #12 of 24

"Look, MIL, you REALLY have to call before you come over. We run around the house naked and when you just show up, we have to scramble to get dressed."

Then answer the door with a towel held up to your front. Make them wait outside "....till I get dressed". Yell real loud so they hear thru the door, "HONEY!! Your mom is here again! Put some pants on!"

Or just answer the door, all out of breath, and say, "I'm sorry, we're in the middle of sex. Can you come back in 40 minutes?"

With people like that, you jsut have to get blunt. icon_lol.gif

Mug-a-Bug Posted 17 Sep 2009 , 7:35pm
post #13 of 24

I love all the comments about running around without clothes!! icon_lol.gif I'm going to have to archive that one for future use with my PITA MIL!! icon_lol.gificon_lol.gif

BakerInHeels Posted 17 Sep 2009 , 8:36pm
post #14 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi

"Look, MIL, you REALLY have to call before you come over. We run around the house naked and when you just show up, we have to scramble to get dressed."




OMG, Indydebi, have you been looking in our window? icon_lol.gif Thats exactly what we do icon_lol.gif One time he ended up with my shirt/tank top on (our shirts were the same color) luckily I noticed it before he left the room. I can laugh at it now but back then it wasn't funny icon_cry.gif

CupCake_Caitlin Posted 18 Sep 2009 , 12:57am
post #15 of 24

My partners Parents do this to me. It gets worse, we moved out a year ago into our own place. its a small town so my partner uses the same mail box as his parents. Instead of leaving his mail in the box, his family members collect it and take it home with them. this includes his sister who lives on the other side of town. We've had packages that she has taken and just stuffed in her spare bedroom, weeks later remembering she had it!!

I was shocked to discover (my partner works 12hour days) I come home from work for lunch and there is a huge pile of mail on the kitchen bench. His Father had let himself in and dropped off the mail.... because he didnt want to slide it under the door...

Now I know they think they are helping out... but No way do I feel that is acceptable. Mail is a personal thing I dont want his parents, sister and brother going through my mail...

So now all MY mail goes to MY parents box, and I pick it up myself, because My parents dont touch it!!

My parents know boundries, THEY ALWAYS call and ask if I would like to go there or if they can come up to our house... My partners brother turned up one night at 9pm with his 1.5year old daughter on a work night WTH??!!

Not only that (My partner works 5day shifts, day and night) while I was at work, when my partner has an off day our house is like a target - all his family and friends all rock up unannouced, connveniantly its always after I come home for lunch and head back to work.
To my shock at 5pm when I head home the 1.5yr old niece was allowd to let loose through my kitchen pantry and throw sugar, rice and noodles everywhere. My Partners brother thought it was funny.

How can you go to someones house and NOT watch your toddler!!

I cant stand them rocking up unannounced... its sooo rude, I'm always in the most awkard situations, (Not dressed, cooking or doing washing)I was once cooking cupcakes for MY cousins party they all hovered around in the kitchen watching me, and I was horrified to find while I was washing my hands in the bathroom, they had all helped themselves.

Dont even get me started on new years and christmas, we had only been living in our house for 2weeks when the house was a target - they wouldnt leave, Xmas day - 3pm never left till 1am
next day 10am - 2am, next day again 12pm (Expecting us to provide food and drinks each time) to 1am
New years eve - 10am-3am. next day I had work, but found they had turned up again... I had 3 broken plates and 12 broken glasses. we just didnt have the money to replace there STUPIDITY!!

incidents like this I hate, and I really hate them coming over!!

OfficerMorgan Posted 18 Sep 2009 , 3:16am
post #16 of 24

Read Boundaries by Steven (Stephen?) Cloud.

michellenj Posted 18 Sep 2009 , 11:35am
post #17 of 24

My family does this, too. It's no accident that I live 1500 miles away from them now! My mom would do the exact same thing with the avocados-she thinks that she is entitles to have whatever she wants, whenever she wants it. Period. She thinks that by smiling and being cute that she can do anything, and everyone else should just get over it. She thinks that she is seen as a funny, zany lady, when in reality she is the town crazy person.

Good luck. I have the feeling that you will end up being the bad guy in this (if she's anything like my mom, and it sounds like she is).

BakerInHeels Posted 18 Sep 2009 , 12:28pm
post #18 of 24

Good Morning,

I spoke to my husband last night after another incident that happened yesterday morning. My husband gets up for work at 5am and when he went to leave he sees his brother sitting outside in his car in the middle of the street with all of the doors open. icon_confused.gif I live in a neighborhood where the police patrol like crazy and anything suspicious they are going to investigate. Well my husband asked him what the hell he was doing at outside our house and he said that he needed my husband to pee inside a cup for him because he had to take a drug test. So you all already know what that means! My husband told him that he had just went to the bathroom so he's S.O.L (s#!t outta luck) so he told my husband that he'll follow him to work and get it from there icon_confused.gif Now my husbands job is full of cameras everywhere and he works in a place that if anything looks suspicious they get rid of you first and ask questions later. So image my husband going into the building and coming back outside and giving God's knows what to this person. To the security it probably looks suspicious. When My husband told me that, I was so furious with him, because he could've lost his job over something so stupid. I told him that something needs to be done about his family, because I'm getting sick of it. When he was talking to his mom last night about his brother, I made it a point for her to here me saying that he needs to take a stand against them.

I know they say that you marry the family when you get married but is there anyway I can divorce them? icon_lol.gif

Auryn Posted 18 Sep 2009 , 1:58pm
post #19 of 24

Oh man, please tell mentour husband didn't do that for his brother, PLEASE

BakerInHeels Posted 18 Sep 2009 , 4:03pm
post #20 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by Auryn

Oh man, please tell mentour husband didn't do that for his brother, PLEASE




Yep, he sure did! His brother is in a drug & alcohol program and he needed some clean urine in order to pass the test so he won't go back to jail. I was livid, apparently the dummy (my husband) don't know how illegal that is. We had a long discussion last night and I told him to stop doing that for him. He needs to get his s#!t together!

As a matter of fact about a year ago, my husband wasn't home and he asked me if I could have my daughter urinate in a cup for him. I told him hell to the NO!!!! If you can't get your crap together then thats your problem. My husband bails him out too much and it really makes me mad. I don't know why he can't/won't put them in their place!
His brother even had the nerve to ask my husband if he could use his identity to get a job a restaurant inside a college here. icon_confused.gif I don't know what this boy is smoking to think that he can actually get away with something like this.

Ugh, I just wish that they would stay on their part of town! tapedshut.gif

Auryn Posted 18 Sep 2009 , 6:28pm
post #21 of 24

He thinks he can get away with it because until now he has.does your husband realize thar if they find out what he did he can go to jail???

Texas_Rose Posted 18 Sep 2009 , 6:32pm
post #22 of 24

I don't know what other ties you and your husband have to the area, but it sounds like if it was possible jobwise, you guys should move out of town. That way your husband wouldn't be put in those situations and your daughter won't grow up thinking that kind of stuff is normal.

BakerInHeels Posted 18 Sep 2009 , 6:44pm
post #23 of 24
Quote:
Originally Posted by Auryn

He thinks he can get away with it because until now he has.does your husband realize thar if they find out what he did he can go to jail???




Oh yeah, he knows because I've said it to him time and time again. He says that this will be the last time, and for his sake and the sake of our family this will be the last time. This boy his already heading down a path of self distruction (sp).

Quote:
Originally Posted by Texas_Rose

I don't know what other ties you and your husband have to the area, but it sounds like if it was possible jobwise, you guys should move out of town. That way your husband wouldn't be put in those situations and your daughter won't grow up thinking that kind of stuff is normal.




We both have alot of family here but I would still like to move. When my husband got his promotion about 3 years ago they offered to transfer him to their office in Atlanta but he declined icon_cry.gif When they come around sometimes I'll leave and take my daughter to my sisters house.

Pookie59 Posted 18 Sep 2009 , 9:24pm
post #24 of 24

Oh geez ... so glad I now live HOURS away from parents and inlaws. When I was first married and MIL was still alive, she drove me nuts - very demanding, controlling type of person. Caused a lot of friction between DH and myself. Of course she got offended when DH stood up to her, but it had to be that way. Husbands and wives must put each other first and put the inlaws in their place. Personally, if I had unwanted family "visitors" banging on my door for fifteen minutes and peering in my windows, I'd call the police! The best thing that could happen would be for you to make them so mad that they didn't speak to you/come around anymore. Relatives like that you just don't need.

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