The last 5 years have been the best and worst of my life.
I married a man that I believe to be my soul mate and partner in this life and the next
He has seen me through everything good and bad and loves me just the way I am. For that I know I am truly blessed.
But also in the last 5 years I have buried many friends and family. Losses due to cancer, mental health, suicide and last Thursday September 10th a very dear childhood friend passed after a lengthy battle with cancer.
His funeral is tomorrow with a viewing later this evening. My husband and I are planning on attending both, but as the time creeps closer to the service I feel a knot in the pit of my stomach.
I feel saddened by his loss and angry that yet another soul in this world has lost the battle with cancer.
I know there are more people out there battling this dreaded disease; but I think what I am most angry about is that this will be the 7th funeral in 5 years. I just hate getting together for funerals and don't want to go to another one.
But I will go out of love and respect for my friend and his family. (But I just want to scream at the thought of going).
Ever since I got the news I have been feeling "OFF", even my DH has asked me if I am ok. I think emotionally I have just turned everything off.
Now it's 2:45am and I cant sleep and all I can think about is that I will be 45 years old in a few weeks and have I lived more life than I have left? and why does God see fit to take the good people in our lives? Why is it that the people who have lead decent lives and are good people are the ones he stricken with these horrible afflictions?
I guess I am having a crisis in faith, life and want to get out of this rut so I figured I would just vent here.
I buried my brother in '04 lost to cancer, my mother '05 respiratory failure, husbands grandfather '06 (who raised me like a father) to kidney failure, 2 friends committed suicide both by hanging in '06-07 and an aunt from my husbands family in '07 to cancer...and now a dear sweet friend yet again to cancer.
Ok, sorry for the long rambling pity party but I just needed to get it all out.
Thanks for reading
Been there done that, I am the eldest surviving member of my immediate family and have been since I was 40.
I have stopped asking why, what for, but just concentrate on getting on with it. I hurt every time I get news of another friend, family getting sick or die, but I know, we are here for a short time only. I want to make it count, for myself and all others I encounter. I concentrate on that, after all the crying and yelling. I try to keep myself busy, help those that seem unable to cope. I try to remember, that no matter how many people I lose, there are many more that have lost more, not only people they love, but also their existance, health and much more. I try to get perspective, doesn't work all the time and immediately after a loss, but the more you forcibly remind yourself, the earlier you will feel at least a little better. Ranting does help, so rant away, you have to get the anger out, there are always people here to listen. And after that, do something for yourself and also for another human being, so that you know, that you count to them. I don't know, whether I am explaining this correctly, I hope you understand waht I am trying to say. Be there for yourself, but also to the others, whose loss this time is greater than yours,.i.e. your friend's family
I'm so sorry.
have I lived more life than I have left?
I know how you feel. We have lost so many friends and family over the last few years that I was thinking the same thing.
But go to this funeral then get yourself out of this mindset otherwise it will affect your health as it did mine.
G-Cakes I have tears streaming down my face. I lost one of my best friends when we were 20. She died from a brain tumour which grew across her brain stem. It took her faculties one by one and we just watched her fade away. It's not fair, it sucks and you're not alone in questioning your faith. I still get so emotional because I just didn't know how to cope with it at that age and one of the few regrets I have are the things I never said to her when I had the chance.
I'm having a serious talk to god when I get there about why this has to hurt so much (though I'm sure it will all make sense once we are there!)
Squeeze that man of yours tight - let whatever emotions come be free to express themselves, if your feeling them - they are valid and real. (Sometimes that means belting the crap out of something or my personal favourite - go Greek and smash some plates!!) I'm so sorry for your loss and will think of you tomorrow.
I have nothing to say except to express my sorrow that you have had all of this in such a short space of time. How sad for you and everyone else who loved these people you've lost
Thank you all for the advice and kind words...
The viewing was difficult and very emotional for everyone in attendance.
I dreaded the Funeral and mass earlier today... but when we arrived at the church for mass I was greeted by smiling faces and people laughing and sharing memories of our friend.
AS odd as this may sound...it was a happy funeral (even reading it seems weird).
Instead of being greeted with the sorrow, pain, tears and crying; it was a celebration of my friends life.
Everyone was talking and sharing some of their fondest memories of our friend. There were tears but I believe them to be happy tears.
I was so relieved and felt like maybe just maybe, the crisis I was experiencing and feeling, well God heard or felt my pain and said ok lets put a positive spin on this.
Don't get me wrong, I DO NOT want to go to another funeral for a very very long time.
But for what it was, I was glad to be there, for the family, my friends and myself too.
But I want to give a big shout out for everyone on CC, you are all like a second family.
Thank you again for the words of encouragement and your thoughts and prayers.
Hang in there, isn't it a nice thought, that people were smiling and celebrating his life?
Someone help us understand who ordered
This disgusting arrangement with time and the end
I don't want to hear who walked on water
Because the hallways are empty and the clocks tick
Thief by Our Lady Peace
These lines from a song that got me through 2 childhood deaths of 2 sisters, a cousin who died at the age of 20, a friend from suicide, a Grandmother from Parkinson's, my mother's best friend (who was important to me) from a car/train accident, the list goes on and on...it was helpful for me to be able to put into words how I felt (especially after the 2 sister's deaths since I was young - but I never really could move past it until I was in my 20s). This stuff changes who you are, it didn't seem like it was for the better for a long time, but as I became a mother it made me a better person and someone who doesn't sweat the small stuff, dwell on the past or care much about material things than I do people. If any, that's the silver lining for me.
I missed my Grandmother's funeral because I just couldn't handle it again...I had a good excuse that my family felt was legit, but I now regret it.