iceit4me, All I can say to your post is A-MEN my Dh is the same way!!!1 Today is my b-day and this am that little red-neck sh*# asked me to scratch his back Hello shouldnt i be the one getting pampered today?????? Anywho I do everything for my hubby tooo so I know where your comming from

mrspriss0912- I hope you are treated well today of all day from your DH. My birthday was in June and my DH didn't get me anything!

Okay, lets take the sex out of everything for a moment hell lets take all the other emotional issues out.

Obviously there are alot of other issues going on here. Which you need to figure out if you can continue to live with or if you have had enough and want to make some changes. You don't have to have your hubby go to counsling, but it sounds like you need to. I'd also say it sounds like you need to visit a laywer and found out what options you have as well. I'd think I'd also take a nice withdrawl from the bank account and go start my own, or if you work, place the money you make in a seperate bank account that his name is one.

Usually when people start placing money in a different bank account that is not a good sign. What will happen to you, if you decides to finish withdrawling what is in the joint bank account and put it in the new one, then tells you he is leaving you?

You have to be proactive in your life, and not his door matt. You have to fight for respect from him, for equality in the relationship. After many years, it may be something that can't be changed and that is something you have to figure out if you can deal with or not. If he has always been this way, and just gotten worse then it is probably not something he is going to ever change.

As far as the sex go, no one can make you feel used in cheap unless you are letting them. I have learned that from my past. I did things with some guys to please then that left me feeling bad afterward. After a few years I learned that I couldn't blame them because I went into the sitiation wanting to please them and didn't fight for what I deserve.

I still totally stick by what I said earlier, I would stop having sex with him. Why continue to do something that makes you feel used and cheap? I just don't get that. So what if he doesn't like it, it will make you feel better about yourself in the long run. If he isn't doing anything for you, you need to do it for yourself. If he isn't taking care if your emotional needs then you need to.

You need to figure out what you deserve in the relationship and fight for it, or find it somewhere else. And I don't mean that by cheating on him, but getting out of the relationship, so that you can find someone that is better equipt at being an equal in a relationship and not just the one that demands and gets everything.

GF...I'm gonna come over there and smack you along side yuor head!

You KNOW what is going on and it has been for along time. I think you are looking for excuses to stay because it's easier. WTH for??!!!

Please do not use your child as an excuse. Living in an unhappy home is far more detrimental for him than a divorce.

Let me say it in plain language...
HE'S CHEATING AND GETTING READY TO LEAVE YOU!!!!!

His behavior and the fact it's getting worse says it's all about HIM only!!!
Marriage isn't one sided and GF you have NO marriage.

Marriage is mutual respect. Funny thing is..he has none for you or your marriage. Trust is certainly not there and without trust there is NOTHING!
Taking money and putting it into accounts only accessiable by him certainly throws red flags up and you really need to take a good hard long look at the situation before he leaves and you have nothing but debt and tears

Okay, I am going to comment here and probably take lashing for it.

It sounds to me like you have spent the last 19 years teaching your husband how you like to be treated. Now, that he has learned it well, you don't like it. You can not allow someone to walk on you and treat you like a doormat for 19 years and then complain about the way they treat you. I think a lot of your problems with your husband are because you have not stood up for yourself. You said yourself that you continue to give in to his needs because it will only get worse if you don't. That is an excuse for you so you don't have to deal with any real issues with him. You have to be willing to stand up for yourself. That does not mean go threaten divorce or give him an ultimatum. That will only scare him off and trigger his defenses.

You need to sit down with him, ask him to listen to you for a minute. Tell him how you are filling, but take responsibility for your part in this relationship. (not how you do EVERYTHING for him) but how you have not made your needs known. Let him know that you realize that he is probably not very happy either. If you truly love him or are very committed to making your marriage work, let him know that. Tell him the things you are willing to do to make a change, give him time to contemplate the conversation. He is not going to make any moves towards change until he SEES your actions. It may take a month or 6 months, but if you are willing to give it some time, you may be pleasantly surprised. 19 years is a long time to walk away from. And it will be very hard making changes. But, being whiny to him about it or nagging him or being his doormat is not the way to make changes. Love him, don't just please his needs. He can tell the difference. A gentle touch to his neck or rubbing his shoulders can go a lot further than having sex sometimes. It shows a different kind of love that a lot of women do not realize men really do need.

edited to add:
even if he is cheating, it is not the end of the world, That is not the problem, that is a symptom of a problem. If you are committed enough and know HOW to forgive, you can make it though anything. With God all things are possible.

I hope I didn't step on too many toes.

i'm not being a heartless bitch, but 'm not going to sugarcoat here.

someone who is that selfish and disrespectful for 19 years is an asshole.

if plumbing is not repetitive motion, then where did he get the carpal tunnel to start with? and if he does have carpal tunnel, so what? does he have tmj too? hands aren't the only thing that can give pleasure.

you also have fault here. why the hell have you taken it for 19 years? you deserve to be happy, you deserve to be loved, so take it!

why is the son a consideration in you leaving him or not? in my opinion, more harm is being done to your son by him staying and watching this asshole at work and his mother being a mouse...you are treating him exactly how his future wife wants to be treated.

none of our advice will matter one whit to you, though, until you have gathered up your tattered self esteem, strengthened your backbone, and find some determination to get what you deserve. i hope for your son's sake, and yours, that that is soon.

Mixinvixen, I laughed out loud about him having TMJ.

But seriously, Mixen is right, it is worse that your son has to see this going on between his parents. Do you want your son to treat his girlfriends/wife like this when he grows up? I was engaged to a guy who was verbally abusive. His father treated his mother like gum stuck on his shoe. This does not go away. We went to therapy and nothing changed. He grew up in that environment and that is how he learned to treat women. I had to break my engagement because I feared that I would create children of the same monstrous breed. There is NO REASON for it. NONE. Bottom line is that no one, man or woman, deserves to be treated with anything but respect. That does not mean perfection but love, respect and honesty.

I'm sorry, but I agree with Justbeck 101. I have always told my girlfriends, "You are in the relationship you create. A man is only going to treat you the way you allow him to." My BFF was in a marriage that was just sad to watch sometimes. But you know what, she understood that she let him be a certain way for so long, how else was he going to act. For some people thay are more then willing to make everything about them. They did end up getting a divorce. By the way, when money starts being moved into "mine only" accounts, that is a HUGE red flag.

I agree that you shouldn't have to be putting up with this cra#. My DH used to forget that he wasn't married to his mother, which they all treated like crap and basically anything she said was stupid in their opinion.

So, yes he treats me with respect, but only because I make him. If I didn't at the start, I'm sure he would have reverted back to the way he was brought up with.

I pay the bills, so I need to know where ALL the money is. Groceries and bills first THEN if there's something that we'd really like to buy but don't need: discussion time.

I really do hope that your marriage is salvaegable after all of these years, but if it's not maybe you and your son are better off.

Mantra homework for the week:

"I am not a doormat, I am not a doormat................."

Jen

I understand what your talking about been there done that. ( And now divorced)
But, when I started realizing my self worth than that's worth was projected outward.
Sometimes things start to become part of the norm and that you get relaxed and dependent. You start to notice that you no longer want to go along with this program anymore because YOU ARE NOT SATISFIED....
Some where you lost respect for yourself. It happens especially when you want to be a good wife. My only advice is to PRAY UNTIL SOMETHING HAPPENS.
And if he still won't go to counseling; this may be something you have to do Solo.

Ok - this is hitting lots of raw nerves on so many levels. I thought it was going to be a funny thread about sex and along with TexasRose, I only have to smile at my DH and he's up for it!

I however can come at this thread from the childs point of view. My parents have just gotten divorced after 39 years of marriage. My mum was hanging on by her fingernails to any scrap of attention my dad would throw at her. While my dad was the one who went outside the marriage, my anger over the last few years has well and truely been directed at her. As an adult child of divorce, I was privvy to WAY more details than I would ever care to know, but I can tell you that their relationship affected me way before my adulthood.

When i asked why she didn't leave when we were little, her reply was "well what would you have me do, be a single mother in a 1 bedroom flat with 2 kids?" To which I swiftly responded "If that meant having a mother who was actually happy - then yes!" She was so preoccupied with her misery, that she missed so much of me, my struggles, my thoughts and most of all my lonliness. If you're honest, how much of your undivided attention does your son currently get? If your husband was not a consideration in your life, can you see your time with him being different? Dont stay in an unhappy marriage because of him, he wont thank you for it and if he's anything like me, he'll feel guilty as hell for it when he's older.

So many of you are right. I have let alot of what he does slide. Yes, I am a people pleaser. I find it hard to day no to people. I also know that now is the time to stand up for myself. First on my list is to find out if he is having an affair. There are so many issues between us it is like layers. Things we need to talk about. I thank all of you for your support.

Stay strong and know that we are here for you !!!!!!

Grace - making that decision is the first hard step. I totally get the need to find out what, who, when, how. My mum was fixated on all that initially, women seem to need to know this stuff. You have so much to get through and most of it aint pretty. Just please dont do it in front of your son and never use him as a diversion, bribery or a mediator.

I wish you strength and courage as you go forward.

I have one question, have you ever asked for what you want, have you showed him what you want???

And i'm wondering if he feels he is just your meal ticket? You know just the guy that brings home the money and from what it sounds like you might be a sahm and if thats the case he may think you have nothing else to do but his bidding, he may feel like that is part of your job.

At any rate i agree with the others, you all need to talk.