I Need Some Attention!

Lounge By iceit4me Updated 21 Sep 2009 , 11:58pm by Ruth0209

iceit4me Posted 10 Sep 2009 , 3:14am
post #1 of 47

I am at a lose on what to do. My husban has not been taking care of my sexual phsical needs in over a year. Yes, it had really been that long. He has corpoal tunnel in both hands it is true. But he tells me that his hands hurt too much to do anything for me. I am giving him everything he wants. Sex is definately one sided. I am totally neglected. He know I am upset about this, says he is sorry and doesn't even try to do anything. Yet, he is perfectly able to do his work. He is a plumber and is always using his hands. What does he expect me to do? What should I do? Counseling is out of the question. He wont go. Please help me.

46 replies
jensenscakes Posted 10 Sep 2009 , 3:17am
post #2 of 47

I had a similar problem and finally told my husband, "I'm not going to help you until you help me." I a very happy woman now. HTH.

Texas_Rose Posted 10 Sep 2009 , 3:20am
post #3 of 47

Okay, at the risk of sounding totally outrageous here....get yourself a BOB icon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gificon_biggrin.gif

There's even one you can buy at Walmart for $10 if you want a discreet one..."It's for my sore muscles, honey!"

Anyhow, from a carpal-tunnel sufferer, I'll tell you that what makes carpal tunnel the worst is repetetive hand movements. He's probably not making as many repetitive hand movements at work as he would when he was...um....you know.

iceit4me Posted 10 Sep 2009 , 11:31am
post #4 of 47

He doesn't even want to scratch my back for 3 minutes or kiss me. I am not ugly. I am a model for Highlight Modeling Agency so I cana't be that bad. I just dont get it. It just seems like he doesn't care anymore.

TexasSugar Posted 10 Sep 2009 , 12:55pm
post #5 of 47

Have you talked to him and told him how you feel? Not in a confrontational way, but in a Honey lets have a calm discussion way?

Personally I'd rather have no sex than one sided sex, so I'd cut that out myself. You aren't making him make any effort at all when you give him exactly what he wants. Now if he figured out he had to work and please you to get what he wants then he might start trying that.

There are alot of things you can do that aren't one single repeative motion that can be pleasurable, so I don't buy the Carpel Tunnel thing myself. I have issues with my hands, and believe me that hasn't stopped me from doing anything. Besides if you really wanted to please your partner you'd suffer through a little pain, every once in a while.

Mike1394 Posted 10 Sep 2009 , 1:54pm
post #6 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by iceit4me

What does he expect me to do? What should I do? Counseling is out of the question. He wont go. Please help me.




Sorry about this. Ask him if his GF gets satisfaction.

Mike

sadsmile Posted 10 Sep 2009 , 3:15pm
post #7 of 47

My brain went in the same direction as Mike's and it just stinks. Unless he is having issues that prevent him and too much pride to say something. Sex is like a drug and men are in general are all addicts so something isn't adding up somewhere. Emotional and relashionship issues aside men still want sex.

Texas_Rose Posted 10 Sep 2009 , 3:56pm
post #8 of 47

Is there any chance that he's depressed? Sometimes when men are depressed they act angry or grouchy instead of sad, and they quit wanting anything to do with the people around them. My husband was depressed and that's how he got. The bad thing is, I browbeat him about seeing someone for it to the point that he actually went to a doctor, they prescribed antidepressants and then he couldn't get it up anymore until he quit taking the antidepressants.

I don't think you should accuse him of cheating. From the sound of it, he's still having sex with you, he's just the only one really enjoying it.

Have you been giving him a hard time about not pleasing you? Maybe it's stressing him out to the point that he doesn't want to try anymore, because it's easier to never try than it is to always try and fail. Other than getting a vibrator to make sure you get your cookie (which I still suggest icon_biggrin.gif) maybe you could try some different things with him, maybe watch naughty movies together or buy a book of naughty stories and read them to him. If you don't want to try something like that, maybe get a sitter for the kids and then go away for the weekend together.

The other thing is, you didn't mention how long you have been married. It's sad but true that sex tapers off when you've been married a while...for my husband and me, sometimes we'll have times when we just can't keep our hands off of each other, and it will last a couple of weeks, and then we'll be back to the sexual desert for a month or two.

The other thing is, don't blame yourself. And if you decide to try talking to him about it, talk to him in a non-confrontational room...in other words, don't wait until the heat of the moment to mention that he doesn't get you off anymore. Don't even mention it like it's his problem alone, just say you've been wondering what the two of you can do to have more fun in bed.

iceit4me Posted 10 Sep 2009 , 4:54pm
post #9 of 47

Thanks to all of you for responding. Yes, the thought of infidelity on his part has crossed my mind more thatn once. I have talked to him about all these things. He is a hard man to live with so actually cutting him completely off of sex would make things worse I think. We have been married 19 years. It has always been all about him. It is just way worse now. There are other issues too. Like money. He buys wahat he wants, when he wants it. He opened a "Vacation account" without even talking about it with me. He also bought a $5,000 tractor that we don't need. he just came home one night and announed to me that he bought it. I had no idea what he was talking about. He went to a Phillies game last night with my daughtera and her friend and he spent $300 there. You see what I mean. There is alot going on. I ust want to feel loved and affection from him and all I get is barely a hen-peck for a kiss

PinkZiab Posted 10 Sep 2009 , 5:26pm
post #10 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by iceit4me

Thanks to all of you for responding. Yes, the thought of infidelity on his part has crossed my mind more thatn once. I have talked to him about all these things. He is a hard man to live with so actually cutting him completely off of sex would make things worse I think. We have been married 19 years. It has always been all about him. It is just way worse now. There are other issues too. Like money. He buys wahat he wants, when he wants it. He opened a "Vacation account" without even talking about it with me. He also bought a $5,000 tractor that we don't need. he just came home one night and announed to me that he bought it. I had no idea what he was talking about. He went to a Phillies game last night with my daughtera and her friend and he spent $300 there. You see what I mean. There is alot going on. I ust want to feel loved and affection from him and all I get is barely a hen-peck for a kiss




Sorry to jump in late year (I don't usually cruise the lounge), but all of the things you have just mentioned are HUGE red flags... your marriage is in big trouble and the sex is the least of your worries (although that's a huge problems too), from where I sit. I know you said he won't go to counseling, but this is where you need to get tough. If he's not willing to work on the marriage, then maybe that's a big sign that he wants out and he's waiting for you to make the move. Sometimes you have to ask the question that you don't really want to know the answer to... Ask him point blank: Do you even want to be married to me anymore? If he says yes, then tell him he needs to act like it or he won't be.

Mike1394 Posted 10 Sep 2009 , 6:06pm
post #11 of 47

Stay married Single
1. 1.
2. 2.
3.
4.
5.

AverageMom Posted 10 Sep 2009 , 6:25pm
post #12 of 47

I think the sex is the least of your problems right now, but if your needs are getting....crucial, I agree with Texas Rose. BOB. I love BOB. BOB is never tired, he always does exactly what I want.

iceit4me Posted 10 Sep 2009 , 7:36pm
post #13 of 47

I didn't understand Mike's reply= stay single married? I do agree that asking him if he wants to be married is probably the way to go- however scary that is. As far as I can see he wants a slut, a secretary, child care for our 10 year old, a maid,a cook, and some one to do his errands.

Mike1394 Posted 10 Sep 2009 , 7:40pm
post #14 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by iceit4me

I didn't understand Mike's reply= stay single married? I do agree that asking him if he wants to be married is probably the way to go- however scary that is. As far as I can see he wants a slut, a secretary, child care for our 10 year old, a maid,a cook, and some one to do his errands.




Sorry for the way it came out ???? Make a list pros of staying married, pros of being single, cons of both sides also. Good luck

Mike

Texas_Rose Posted 10 Sep 2009 , 8:20pm
post #15 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by iceit4me

I didn't understand Mike's reply= stay single married? I do agree that asking him if he wants to be married is probably the way to go- however scary that is. As far as I can see he wants a slut, a secretary, child care for our 10 year old, a maid,a cook, and some one to do his errands.




There's your list of what he gets out of the relationship...now make the list of what you get out of the relationship.

And if you can't think of anything then make a list of why you married him and what you liked about him. Sometimes when I'm mad at my husband, I can't think of a single good thing about him as he presently is, so I go back and review all the things I was crazy about when we were dating and newlyweds. That's usually enough to get me through the rough patch.

How old is your husband? Could this be the midlife crisis thing? I remember when my dad went through that...he turned into some jackass we didn't know, then after a while, average dad was back and that's how he's stayed. I told my husband that if he's planning on a midlife crisis, then he'd better start saving up for a sportscar now icon_lol.gificon_lol.gificon_lol.gif

The other thing is, I was thinking about the vacation account thing...is it possible that he was saving up to take you on a surprise vacation? If you've noticed a lack of romance in your marriage right now, he may have noticed the same and be planning to fix it.

BeeBoos-8599_ Posted 11 Sep 2009 , 1:19am
post #16 of 47

I am just going to say that any man who is acting this way is getting it somewhere. I dont care if you all want to go off on me for that but it is my honest opinion. IMO there are 3 reasons for divorce and they are Abuse, Addiction and Adultry. I think he is abusing you by treating your the way he is and I truely believe he is getting it somewhere.

This man has alot of issues and from the sound of it this is nothing new. He has been getting away with acting like and ass for years and it is getting worse because he is seeing how far he can push it. I would change the locks, Move the money to another account at another bank, get all of the financial documents gathered and locked in a bank box. Then I would tell him that I am more valuable then he has treated me and when he decides to come clean and man up I will consider meeting with him on newtral ground.

jamiekwebb Posted 11 Sep 2009 , 2:29am
post #17 of 47

I have never been in this situation but I hope that it isn't as bad as it sounds like. I hope that he is faithful and that he does care but it really doesn't sound like it. I can't tell you what to do because I don't really know, I will pray for you though, that is all I know to do in these situations.

mrspriss0912 Posted 11 Sep 2009 , 2:39am
post #18 of 47

OMG i know where you are comming from.... About a year ago I was living throught the same thing! icon_cry.gif It turned out the DH was in fact having an affair he would stay out late, come home and be a total grouch,and was spending money like it grew on trees. I found him out on my-space him and his girl friend. icon_mad.gificon_mad.gif He actually bought an engagement ring out of our chceking account for her icon_mad.gif of course he lied hwen confronted so I did the only thing i knew to do I got on my knees and prayed for guidance icon_rolleyes.gif It worked out in the end he was caught in a pack of lies and it all came crashing down around him. He returned home to me and begged for another chance which I was more than willing to give him. But he was at the point of no sex no intimate attention nothing he was like a total stranger to me .
A year later things are much different but we are both comitted to this marriage and our family we still have up's and downs but we are more in tune with each other now. My advice is Pray Pray Pray God will tell you what to do he will show you if you will just let him . I hope this dosent upset you but I have been there and lived trough it
My prayers are with you and your hubby icon_smile.gif

maryjsgirl Posted 11 Sep 2009 , 3:11am
post #19 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by iceit4me

He doesn't even want to scratch my back for 3 minutes or kiss me. I am not ugly. I am a model for Highlight Modeling Agency so I cana't be that bad. I just dont get it. It just seems like he doesn't care anymore.




Halle Berry has been cheated on. Looks or lack of them have absolutely nothing to do with it.

I don't understand why he is in control of your sexual satisfaction. Handle business and stop lying there waiting.


I would agree with TXRose that he may be depressed. You stated he has CTS. Chronic pain and depression tend to go hand and hand. Depression makes people stop caring.

Ruth0209 Posted 11 Sep 2009 , 4:41am
post #20 of 47

What an awful situation. From the way you describe it, I am wondering why YOU want to stay married to him. You need to ask yourself, "Am I better off with him or without him?" If you can see yourself happier and more fulfilled without him and his temper and disrespectfulness toward you, then you have your answer. And opening accounts with large sums of money that belongs to both of you without consulting you is disrespect. So is spending large sums without regard for how you might want to spend it. Using you sexually without regard for your pleasure or fulfillment is extremely abusive. I'd cut him off completely if he doesn't clean up his act in that department. I'd rather have no sex than be used.

It sounds like it's time for an ultimatum from you, but only if you're ready to act on your threat. One thing I've learned about bullies is that they don't respect wimps. If you let him walk all over you, then he won't respect you and he'll continue to do it. You need to tell him that you deserve better and you expect better, or whatever you decide will be the consequences will happen.

Good luck to you! I hope you find a solution for yourself and your family.

Rylan Posted 11 Sep 2009 , 5:03am
post #21 of 47

Tell him, "Do it to me before someone else does".

G_Cakes Posted 11 Sep 2009 , 6:51am
post #22 of 47

Wow after reading through this entire post, my heart goes out to you and how lonely you must be feeling.

I could choose my words here and sugar coat things but I have to agree with some of the other comments and I am going to call it the way I read it.

You say that he makes no attempts to pleasure you but that you continue to pleasure him (if I am not mistaken)


Ok well that rules out depression cause if he was depressed he would have NO interest in sex.

After reading only a few lines of your comments (OP) my first thought was he has another woman in his life...and in my books once a cheater ALWAYS a cheater! And I might also suspect that the vacation fund was not set up for your mutual benefit.


He has no problem spending $$$ and letting you know about it so why wouldn't he let you know about that account.

I suffer from carpel in both wrists and wear braces on both wrists when they bother me. Let me tell you that when it comes to sex my wrists never prevent me from doing anything with my partner.

It's time you made a choice, and ask yourself one question!!!

>>>>"Do I deserve to be loved?"<<<< and I know the answer is a big whopping yes!

Love yourself enough to say that you wont let a man control you self worth and values! That you deserve to be treated and held in a place of love and respect.

From what you described he sounds like he would be a selfish lover regardless. Time for you to confront him and let him know how your feeling. If he doesnt care or take you seriously then it's time for you to move on!

BOB can help you out on a physical level, heck a good hand held shower massage will certainly relieve stress, but I think your missing more than physical touch.

Intimacy, an emotional connection and physical touch all go hand in hand.

Tell him it's time to put out or get out!

Either way I wish you the best of luck and hope that everything works out for you icon_smile.gif

((((((((((HUGS))))))))))

iceit4me Posted 11 Sep 2009 , 2:32pm
post #23 of 47

Thanks to all of you for the tremendos replies. You are all so terrific! I have alot of sole searching to do. I also have to think about my 10 year old son in this mess too. I know that you all are praying for me and that means so much to me. It's nice to know that someone cares. I will keep you all updated. I have to talk to my sister and see what arrangements can be made with her if the untinkable happens. Love you all- Grace

Ruth0209 Posted 11 Sep 2009 , 3:34pm
post #24 of 47

Be brave. Divorce isn't the worst thing that ever happens to a person. It's not what anyone envisions for herself, but sometimes it's the thing to do to give you back your life.

Another extremely important angle you need to consider is the behavior you are modeling for your son. If he grows up in a home where it appears to be okay for a husband to treat his wife the way your husband treats you, that will become his standard. He will probably become that man. And you don't want that. Model for him a mother who knows she deserves to be loved and respected by her husband. Help your boy learn to do that instead. Plus, I'm sure he's more attuned to the tension and unhappiness in your home than you think. Kids don't miss much.

Again, the best to you.

BeeBoos-8599_ Posted 11 Sep 2009 , 10:35pm
post #25 of 47

THE FOLLOWING IS WRITTEN BY BEEBOOS HUBBY-
BEEBOO TAKES NO RESPONSABILITY FOR ANY OF THE FOLLOWING CONTENT.

When was the last time you sat down next to him when he came home from work and asked him sincerely how his day was or what can I do for you today? Men are more likely to take care of thier woman when they are showing that they care about him and his needs outside of the bedroom.
Is he getting intercourse or are you taking care of him in other ways? Are you getting laid at all and he is just not ensuring you get an O?
I do not think he is getting it anywhere else because you said you are taking care of his needs. I think you just married an ass hole who needs to be reminded of what and who he married. (I hope you are not a Kate plus 8 type of wife).

*Hubby's counselor booth is open anytime so feel free to ask him for the male point of view anytime ladies.

Texas_Rose Posted 11 Sep 2009 , 10:40pm
post #26 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by BeeBoos-8599_


When was the last time you sat down next to him when he came home from work and asked him sincerely how his day was or what can I do for you today?




See, every single time I ask my husband that, he unzips his fly. Every time. Without fail.

maryjsgirl Posted 11 Sep 2009 , 11:46pm
post #27 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by Texas_Rose

Quote:
Originally Posted by BeeBoos-8599_


When was the last time you sat down next to him when he came home from work and asked him sincerely how his day was or what can I do for you today?



See, every single time I ask my husband that, he unzips his fly. Every time. Without fail.




icon_surprised.gif














icon_lol.gif

dailey Posted 12 Sep 2009 , 12:12am
post #28 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by BeeBoos-8599_

THE FOLLOWING IS WRITTEN BY BEEBOOS HUBBY-
BEEBOO TAKES NO RESPONSABILITY FOR ANY OF THE FOLLOWING CONTENT.



*Hubby's counselor booth is open anytime so feel free to ask him for the male point of view anytime ladies.





i'll pass... tapedshut.gificon_confused.gif

Rylan Posted 12 Sep 2009 , 12:20am
post #29 of 47
Quote:
Originally Posted by Texas_Rose



See, every single time I ask my husband that, he unzips his fly. Every time. Without fail.




Really? We have a lot on common.

iceit4me Posted 12 Sep 2009 , 1:27pm
post #30 of 47

I don't have to ask my husband what can I do for you when he gets home from work. All day he sends me text messages or calls and asks me to do this or that for him or go here orget that for him. I do everything for him. I hardly ever if at all ask him to do me a favor or do something for me. Because I know he is too busy anyway. Yes, I am taking care of ALL the sexual needs he has. I would like to hear him say what can I do for you once in awhile. He doesn't care if I get the big O. He is selfish in bed and to add to that wants me to talk to him hike a hooker while I am giving him sex while I am getting nothing in return. If that doesnt make me feel used and cheap! He just opened a new checking account yesterday without asking me or consulting me first. HE said he did it because the current bank we use charges all kinds of fees. I dont get it. I didn;t know he had any more $ to put in another account. What is the deal with him!!!

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