Cousin Pushing My Buttons (Really Long)

Lounge By BakerInHeels Updated 8 Sep 2009 , 2:57pm by Texas_Rose

BakerInHeels Posted 7 Sep 2009 , 3:48am
post #1 of 27

Good evening everyone,

I need advice on this situation I'm having with my a-hole of a cousin. He's 19 with a major attitude problem. He's mad at me because I commented on something he posted on Facebook about his mom, his family and church family.

Ok, a few months ago he got mad at his mom because she wouldn't let one of her clients (who is also a family friend) rent him a car to go to Orlando. So now, he's mad at the whole entire family save for a few people. He really has his a$$ on his shoulders and his mom would not do anything about it. Now every other week this kid is "not speaking" to someone in our family, whether it be his mom, his dad, cousins or aunts. He always has an issue with someone.
Ok well he posted something really degrading and insulting about his mom and his family on Facebook. So I sent him a message and I read him like a book. So he's mad at me about that. So now he's been saying little derogatory comments to me under his breath and sometimes he says it out loud. I try not to let it get to me but today he really pissed me off. I really don't want to repeat what he said, just know that it was so bad that I almost poured a cup of hot tea on him tapedshut.gif

Did I mention that he literally cries, pouts and whine when his mom buys his 5 year old brother something. This boy is 19 and he acts like this. He quit the choir at church because he's mad at everyone. He's just an all around spoiled brat. And his mom caters to his every need because she doesn't want him to be mad at her!

Anyway, when he has an issue with me he takes it out on my daughter, which I am not going to tolerate. I've spoken to his mom about it but she just brushes it off. I told her don't blame me if some bodily harm is done to him because I'm not going to let him keep disrespecting me or my child. I am just really fed up with him and his mom seems to be clueless about it. One day he told me that he was going to slap my child icon_eek.gif I told him that if he lays a hand on my baby it would take an army to keep me from killing him. Ugh, I just really can't stand this kid and out of respect for his mom I have not done or said more to him.

Has anyone every dealt with a situation like this in your family? How do you deal with it? Thank you in advance

BakerInHeels

26 replies
WildSugar Posted 7 Sep 2009 , 4:12am
post #2 of 27

Oh man i hate kids like that. They've been spoiled to DEATH their whole lives and think they can still get away with pouting and throwing fits when they are supposed to be acting like adults. I say just ignore it and stay away from him as much as possible. He's just looking for attention with his fits and "silent treatments" and nasty comments, so if you dont give it to him, he'll eventually give it up.

How old is your daughter? Is she old enough to explain that he's being a bad person and dont take it personally? Although, if someone threatened one of my babies, it would be WAR, and you dont wanna see momma in a war!

KKC Posted 7 Sep 2009 , 4:13am
post #3 of 27

Sounds like this cousin needs a reality check. If he was in my family my uncles would've put him in his place real quick (although, I don't agree with how they try to discipline). Does anybody know why he is the way he is? For him to be jealous of a 5 year old thats pretty ridiculous. And not to mention he's mad at the whole family...maybe there is some deep issues that needs to be addressed. I don't know. Sounds like him and mom may need some counseling (sp). I'm sorry you are going thru this...I hate when people take their anger out on innocent children that really makes my blood boil!

BakerInHeels Posted 7 Sep 2009 , 4:20am
post #4 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by WildSugar


How old is your daughter? Is she old enough to explain that he's being a bad person and dont take it personally? Although, if someone threatened one of my babies, it would be WAR, and you dont wanna see momma in a war!




Normally I would ignore him but today it was just bad what he said to me. My daughter is 6. I tell her all the time to let me know if anyone mistreats her (meaning adults). My god, I really hate that, she's so innocent. I'm tearing up just thinking about it icon_cry.gif Why do people treat kids this way?


Quote:
Originally Posted by KKC

Sounds like this cousin needs a reality check. If he was in my family my uncles would've put him in his place real quick (although, I don't agree with how they try to discipline). Does anybody know why he is the way he is? For him to be jealous of a 5 year old thats pretty ridiculous. And not to mention he's mad at the whole family...maybe there is some deep issues that needs to be addressed. I don't know. Sounds like him and mom may need some counseling (sp). I'm sorry you are going thru this...I hate when people take their anger out on innocent children that really makes my blood boil!




All I know is that he has some issues that his mom doesn't want to address out of embarrassment. I hope they figure out something real soon because I would hate to have to go to jail because someone has hurt my child. I agree they do need counseling, I'm just afraid that I will be too little too late because of his age and him being set in his ways. His mom needs to really open her eyes, he has some kind of problem that needs to be dealt with.

indydebi Posted 7 Sep 2009 , 4:25am
post #5 of 27

People who act like that are not only spoiled, but they are bullies. They are bullies because people (like his mom) allow him to intimidate them.

With a threat against my daughter, I can guarantee you that either me or my husband would go into Drill Sargeant mode. This young man needs backed up against the wall and he needs it laid out for him. And I mean physically backed up against the wall. I am not kidding. Bullies will bully as long as they think everyone is afraid of them. Bullies back down when someone calls their bluff.

(I had more than one of my daughter's boyfriends confess to my husband, "Yeah, you make me nervous because you're her dad. But Debi just flat out scares me!")

If mom is a wimp and just blows you off, then take her out of the equation. He's not a kid anymore anyway. He's 19. He doesn't need mommy to take care of him and you don't need mommy to intervene for you. He needs to see that you are not screwing around with his little play acting bullsh*t! If he wants to pretend to be a big boy, then he has to play by big boy rules. And that means being accountable! If he doesn't know how to be accountable, then you need to show him what that means.

In the words of Barney Fife, "Nip it! Nip it in the bud!"

When you involve and threaten my child, then in the words of Roseanne Conner, "Oh.... I'm IN this NOW!"

(I think I watch too much Nick at Night! icon_rolleyes.gif )

BakerInHeels Posted 7 Sep 2009 , 4:37am
post #6 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi

People who act like that are not only spoiled, but they are bullies. They are bullies because people (like his mom) allow him to intimidate them.

With a threat against my daughter, I can guarantee you that either me or my husband would go into Drill Sargeant mode. This young man needs backed up against the wall and he needs it laid out for him. And I mean physically backed up against the wall. I am not kidding. Bullies will bully as long as they think everyone is afraid of them. Bullies back down when someone calls their bluff.

(I had more than one of my daughter's boyfriends confess to my husband, "Yeah, you make me nervous because you're her dad. But Debi just flat out scares me!")

If mom is a wimp and just blows you off, then take her out of the equation. He's not a kid anymore anyway. He's 19. He doesn't need mommy to take care of him and you don't need mommy to intervene for you. He needs to see that you are not screwing around with his little play acting bullsh*t! If he wants to pretend to be a big boy, then he has to play by big boy rules. And that means being accountable! If he doesn't know how to be accountable, then you need to show him what that means.

In the words of Barney Fife, "Nip it! Nip it in the bud!"

When you involve and threaten my child, then in the words of Roseanne Conner, "Oh.... I'm IN this NOW!"

(I think I watch too much Nick at Night! icon_rolleyes.gif )


Yeah he is a bully, because he got bullied but in the worst way possible. I don't know if thats why he's that way but I'm sure it has something to do with it. My husband has already said that if harm comes to our daughter, he won't be doing any talking. My daughter loves going to his house to play with his little brother and at times his mom leaves them in his care. Oh no, not my baby, I don't let her go over there anymore if I'm not with her. When she asks can she spend the night, I have to say no because I know how he is when he gets in his little moods. She'll say, 'Mommy if he hits me I'll hit him back'. It hurts me that my daughter would be willing to put up with this just so she can play with her little cousin. She's an only child and all of her other cousins are too old for her to play with. Everytime I think about this It makes me so angry. Maybe I should talk to my family about staging an intervention with him. This has got to stop!

BeeBoos-8599_ Posted 7 Sep 2009 , 4:44am
post #7 of 27

If it were me I would just delete him from my life. I watched my mom die 9 years ago and at that point I decided that I do not have room in my life for people who want to bring me or my family harm or drama. I don't care if they are "blood" or not. I would make sure I could no longer see his Facebook (it is his anyway) and I would not allow him near my family. My daughter would be told to stay away from him and I would deal with his parents only on subjects that do not involve him. You cannot change how she raises or deals with him. Why even get involved any more than you have? Just get on with raising good people.

BakerInHeels Posted 7 Sep 2009 , 4:55am
post #8 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by BeeBoos-8599_

If it were me I would just delete him from my life. I watched my mom die 9 years ago and at that point I decided that I do not have room in my life for people who want to bring me or my family harm or drama. I don't care if they are "blood" or not. I would make sure I could no longer see his Facebook (it is his anyway) and I would not allow him near my family. My daughter would be told to stay away from him and I would deal with his parents only on subjects that do not involve him. You cannot change how she raises or deals with him. Why even get involved any more than you have? Just get on with raising good people.


You are so right! I can't see whats on his facebook though cause he deleted me. I try to stay away from him as much as possible. Today I was unable to avoid him because he was at my Grandmothers house and we were having a meeting about what to put on my grandmothers headstone. I ignored him, as did everyone else he is mad at but he kept making little snide remarks. I'll just pray for him and pray that God gives me the strength to stop from hurting him.

JanH Posted 7 Sep 2009 , 6:49am
post #9 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by BakerInHeels

... and pray that God gives me the strength to stop from hurting him.




If this young man were not a family member, you would most likely sever all ties and situations that put you in contact with him.

The fact that he is a relative is regrettable but doesn't really change the situation... The fact that you're contemplating physical violence is an indication that drastic steps must be taken - and the solution is clear.

Remove yourself and your family from all further interactions immediately!!! You might be the only ones in the family who feel this strongly, but that shouldn't deter you from what's best for you and yours.

It will require more effort to stay in touch with the rest of his and the extended family (but there's always the phone, email, text messaging, having family visit at your house, etc.).

You have control over who's in your life. There's no need to suffer toxic people or situations.

HTH

P.S. Remember, you can't control "other" peoples actions or reactions - only your own!!!

Mike1394 Posted 7 Sep 2009 , 8:58am
post #10 of 27

Well said Jan, kick the jerk to the road. Being the way he is I'm wondering why you got involved in the first place.

Mike

lthiele Posted 7 Sep 2009 , 10:17am
post #11 of 27

OP - is he coming out?

majka_ze Posted 7 Sep 2009 , 10:29am
post #12 of 27

I am sorry you are in this position. I agree with all the others. Kick him out of your life. If your daughter wants to play with his brother, invite the little one to your house.
This young man - and he is an adult by our standards - the age of majority here is 18 in all aspects - needs to grow up. I would say even his mom needs to grow up. Mothers need to be an adult and see that you can't be a friend to their children (at least not all the time). They are parents, not friends. Parents like this make a big disservice to their children.

Texas_Rose Posted 7 Sep 2009 , 3:57pm
post #13 of 27

I've been dealing with a similiar situation with my youngest sister. She used to be a sweetie but she's turned into an impossible, spoiled, 20 year old brat. Last year at Christmas, she kicked my mother hard enough that she had to have xrays. My mom didn't want her adult child to get in trouble, so she lied to her doctor and said one of her grandchildren had done it (my kids are the only grandchildren).

Then earlier this year my sister was at my house giving me a hard time about something and my husband told her if all she came over for was a nag-a-thon, she should go on home. She called him names at the top of her lungs, suddenly remembered that she can't talk to him the way she talks to our parents, and knocked my oldest daughter down as she rushed for the front door. My daughter is a big kid, as tall as my shoulder already, so you can imagine how hard my sister hit her to knock her down. I do believe it was an accident, so I called and left her a voicemail that my husband wanted to press charges for assault against her and that I had talked him out of it, but that if she ever laid a hand on one of my children again, I'd be calling the police myself. The only reason I didn't let him call the police that time was because I don't think you can get a medical license when you've been convicted of assault, and I didn't want my parents stuck with her student loans if she couldn't get a job when she's done with school.

costumeczar Posted 7 Sep 2009 , 11:31pm
post #14 of 27

I agree with most of the other people here, you should keep your daughter away from this jerk, and don't deal with him if you don't need to. If you do have to be with him and he's sitting around saying stupid things, tell him that he needs to shut up and quit acting like a baby!

I'd also tell him that if he lays a hand on your child, you will press charges for assault. No adult should be able to threaten a 6-yr-old with violence and think that he's going to get away with it.

You can't choose your relatives, but you can choose whether you want to be around them.

indydebi Posted 7 Sep 2009 , 11:34pm
post #15 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by costumeczar

You can't choose your relatives, but you can choose whether you want to be around them.




Luv this line!

cutthecake Posted 7 Sep 2009 , 11:59pm
post #16 of 27

Do you think that drugs are involved?

And please, NEVER, EVER let your daughter be in his company without you or your husband. NEVER. There should not be an "if harms come to our daughter". That's like a free pass to hurt her once. Do not give him that opportunity.
He is a man, and a man should not be threatening to hurt children. Has your husband laid down the law to him? If not, he should. NOW.

dldbrou Posted 8 Sep 2009 , 12:19am
post #17 of 27

If your daughter wants to play and have a sleep over with her little cousin, then have the cousin come to your house where you are in control. Tell the mother of the 19 year old that you are drawing a line and will not tolerate her son threatening your daughter or verbally abusing you. He is a legal adult and you will press charges if he attempts anything else.

If mother tries to take up for him, then tell her she is not doing him any favors by teaching him it's okay to abuse and get away with it. She also needs to realize that he is jealous of younger sibling and is bulling that child also.

Some parents just don't want to admit that their baby are spoiled and just want them to always like them.

So what if he doesn't talk and pouts if he doesn't get his way. It would then be a quite household. It is like having a tantrum, he will get over it, cause he will want something else from the one he is mad at.

BakerInHeels Posted 8 Sep 2009 , 1:33am
post #18 of 27

Good Evening everyone,

I hope you all had a good Labor Day! I just got home so I'm just now reading the responses. I want to thank everyone for your advice on this matter. But I wanted to answer Mike's question about why I got involved. The reason being is that I just wanted him to not really put our family business out there like that. I told him to take any issues he had up with his mom, instead of putting her out there like that. Even though it was already to late because he had put it on Facebook, I just wanted him to realize that it was very childish of him to say all those things where the world could see.

Last night when I went to bed, I had the attitude of "you know I really don't give a damn about him and his attitude". I was just going to stay away from him and be done with him. But when I woke up this morning my heart was so heavy. Our family is very religious and when we have issues or anything we'd pray and talk to God about it (i'm not going to get into the whole religion thing just wanted you all to know where I'm coming from). So I listened to my gospel music and its this song that he (my cousin) usually sings in church and it just made me break down. So I called my grandmother and told her that I wanted to have a family meeting with him to clear the air, but I made it clear that I didn't not want it to seem like an ambush. Well, I just found out this morning that he put more stuff on facebook but this time it was about my cousin who had a baby last year and the baby was on life support, but thank God she is still with us. So my cousin has been going through alot this past year, with her baby having multiple heart surgeries all before the age of 1. So he said some horrible things about her and her baby (which is my God daughter). That really made me want to get this whole thing cleared up.

So fast forward, he said he didn't have anything to talk about so he left and finally his aunt talked some sense into him and he came back. So anyway, I talked to him and told him how I felt and how he hurt me with the things he said and did. We opened up to each other and I told him that with his attitude he is only hurting himself and his mom. He was very apologetic and he seemed sincere. He even admitted to me that he knew that was I told him was the truth and he had a hard time dealing with it. So I don't know but I hope that things are going to change. I told him that I loved him and that I had his back and that he could always talk to me. So thats what went down on my Labor Day.

BTW, his dad took away his new/used car that he bought him a few weeks ago and he sold it, he also took away his laptop that he just for his birthday a few months ago. So hopefully he'll see that he only hurt himself with his attitude.

I really, really want to thank each and everyone of you for your advice and words of wisdom and encouragement, it really means alot! Thanks!

LaBellaFlor Posted 8 Sep 2009 , 1:36am
post #19 of 27

Drop him and drop him hard. My uncle is like 45 and still acts like a brat. If my grandparents don't give him money, he goes off & kicks him out the house. BUT my grandmother will always say "but he's my baby". Makes me sick. And let me tell you another thing , my uncle has just stopped living with my grandparents in the last 4 years! When my grandmother asks me to check on him& see if hes okay, I always tell her I do not take care of growen men, Your aunt is looking at the same thing.

KKC Posted 8 Sep 2009 , 1:49am
post #20 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by LaBellaFlor

Drop him and drop him hard. My uncle is like 45 and still acts like a brat. If my grandparents don't give him money, he goes off & kicks him out the house. BUT my grandmother will always say "but he's my baby". Makes me sick. And let me tell you another thing , my uncle has just stopped living with my grandparents in the last 4 years! When my grandmother asks me to check on him& see if hes okay, I always tell her I do not take care of growen men, Your aunt is looking at the same thing.




This sounds just like my dad and my grandparents. Only difference is my dad steals from my grandparents and they still let him back in the house. About 3 years ago my dad stole $36,000 from my grandpa's bank account. He'd go into my grandma's purse and take the atm card and just take out whatever he needed. I know at times he use to go into the bank and withdraw money from the account. He's named after my grandpa and he knows all his info so it wasn't hard for him to do. My grandpa found out when he went to take out some money inside the bank and they told him that his account was negative icon_eek.gif My grandpa wanted to press charges but my grandma begged him not to. My dad is on drugs really bad and he's been in and out of rehab and they still let him back in the house. I feel bad for my grandparents because I don't go over there to visit because of the fact that he owes some drug guys some money and you know how they retaliate (sp?) they hit you where it hurts and thats by going after your family. I don't want my son to be around that. So my grandparents have their 2 adult sons over the age of 40 still living with them, they buy their clothes, food and pay for them to take their girlfriends out on dates icon_confused.gif I wish we could choose our family icon_cry.gif

CutiePieCakes-Ontario Posted 8 Sep 2009 , 2:21am
post #21 of 27

BakerInHeels - I'm glad you took the big step of confronting him, with everyone else there as well. That should have shown him that it wasn't just you sounding off at him, and that everyone else was okay with him being the way he was. Here's hoping he's at the beginning of the long road to a better him. Has been seen a doctor? Perhaps he's bi-polar?

I'm also glad his father took the steps he did - selling the vehicle and taking away the laptop. Just because someone is "legally" an adult, doesn't mean they are emotionally one. That being said, if one of my older nephews ever threadened one of my kids, I'd be calling the police. I'm very lucky to have the family I do have - we're all very close and loving.

If I were you, I would suggest that he issue an apology to whomever he's slandered on his Facebook page ... and that's what it is, slander, and he can be sued for it.

BakerInHeels Posted 8 Sep 2009 , 2:56am
post #22 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by CutiePieCakes-Ontario

BakerInHeels - I'm glad you took the big step of confronting him, with everyone else there as well. That should have shown him that it wasn't just you sounding off at him, and that everyone else was okay with him being the way he was. Here's hoping he's at the beginning of the long road to a better him. Has been seen a doctor? Perhaps he's bi-polar?

I'm also glad his father took the steps he did - selling the vehicle and taking away the laptop. Just because someone is "legally" an adult, doesn't mean they are emotionally one. That being said, if one of my older nephews ever threadened one of my kids, I'd be calling the police. I'm very lucky to have the family I do have - we're all very close and loving.

If I were you, I would suggest that he issue an apology to whomever he's slandered on his Facebook page ... and that's what it is, slander, and he can be sued for it.


This situation with him really surprised me, because we are also an extremely close family but if we feel theres an issue we have with someone we will talk to them about it. We try not to let these type of things happen all the time and thats why we hold family meetings from time to time. He really wrote some horrible things about his mom, me, my cousin and her baby and my aunt. It was really bad with my aunt because it had gotten back to her boss (he knows her boss so he sent a message directly to her boss).

As far as him being bipolar, I'm not sure, and I don't know if he has not seen a doctor. I read what a previous poster asked about him "coming out". I'm not sure if thats one of his issues but whatever it is he has talked to his mom about it in the past and she won't deal with it. He has told me that he really wants to break out of his "shell" but he's afraid of what our family might think because they are so religious. So I guess thats what it is but I don't really want to make an assumption.

I'm trying to think positive, I just hope he's going to do the same!

dldbrou Posted 8 Sep 2009 , 3:03am
post #23 of 27

How is he putting stuff on facebook if his computer was taken away? He might have sounded sincere, but he is probably an expert liar and will say whatever he needs to just to get out of trouble and make you think he has changed. Then when he thinks you aren't paying attention he will do it again.

Still keep your guard up for your child's sake.

jaybug Posted 8 Sep 2009 , 3:11am
post #24 of 27

I'm sorry but I would have to open up a can of whoop a$$ on that boy! icon_evil.gif

BakerInHeels Posted 8 Sep 2009 , 3:34am
post #25 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by dldbrou

How is he putting stuff on facebook if his computer was taken away? He might have sounded sincere, but he is probably an expert liar and will say whatever he needs to just to get out of trouble and make you think he has changed. Then when he thinks you aren't paying attention he will do it again.

Still keep your guard up for your child's sake.




He has internet on his phone so he can log on to facebook from there. Don't worry I am keeping my baby away from him, there is absolutely no sleepovers. I guess we'll just have to wait and see how everything goes. I'm glad he lives in another county from me though, so I only see him on weekends.

BakerInHeels Posted 8 Sep 2009 , 3:37am
post #26 of 27
Quote:
Originally Posted by jaybug

I'm sorry but I would have to open up a can of whoop a$$ on that boy! icon_evil.gif




The guys in my family wanted to but for the sake of my grandmother they refrained from hurting him, my uncle did kinda rough him up as he was leaving the house. The thing is my grandmother doesn't like to see all that, she would rather try to get through to him by talking to him. She's one helluva talker and when she speaks everyone listens or ELSE icon_lol.gif

Texas_Rose Posted 8 Sep 2009 , 2:57pm
post #27 of 27

I'm glad to hear you're still keeping your daughter away from him, talk or no talk.

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