I Have A Wedding Cake/bff Dilema

Lounge By LizzyLaw06 Updated 7 Sep 2009 , 4:27am by WildSugar

LizzyLaw06 Posted 5 Sep 2009 , 3:39am
post #1 of 16

i need help on how to handle this situation. My BFF is getting married next december and she has asked me to make the cake. Even before she asked me i was kinda thinking to myself that i could do the cake as her wedding gift. Her wedding is going to be between 200 and 250 people, so a big cake. on the night she asked my husband mde the comment..."yeah, we'd love to do the cake as your wedding gift" and her response was "noooo, you're gonna make the cake out of the kindness of your heart AND get me a wedding gift" agh!
i was no where near planning on buying her a $500 wedding gift. but spending the money on the ingredients would fall more in my price range than adding another gift on top of the cake expense. I thought about bring up to her that she could pay me for the ingredients and i'll do the labor as the gift if she wants me to buy something else for her too. I mean, with other matron of honor duties my expenses are going to rack up quickly i'm sure, i can't afford all that she wants.

how do i bring this up with her and keep it civil?
TIA

15 replies
cutthecake Posted 5 Sep 2009 , 3:51am
post #2 of 16

First of all, I'm appalled that anyone would make such a statement. Gifts are given at the discretion of the giver, not on demand by the recipient.
To answer your question, honesty IS the best policy. Tell her plainly that you cannot afford to do more than you can reasonably handle. She doesn't get to decide that, you do.

"I can't afford all she wants." Huh? It is not your responsibility to meet her demands. You're her maid of honor, not her financier.

redpanda Posted 5 Sep 2009 , 3:52am
post #3 of 16

Are you sure she was being serious? She asked you to do the cake AND expects a gift? I think I would just act like I thought it was a joke.

I think that if you act like it was a really funny joke she played on your husband, convincing him that she was that materialistic and unappreciative of the large number of hours plus significant cost for materials, she may have no choice but to go along with the idea that it was a joke. She may well see that she was being a serious brat.

When I have made a cake as the gift, I have still felt like I needed to give something besides a card, but it has always been something that was something that was "more thought than money", such as a certificate for a small first anniversary cake or a book that I know would be meaningful.

mkolmar Posted 5 Sep 2009 , 3:55am
post #4 of 16

Oh heck no. icon_eek.gif That's a lot of financial issues to strap on someone. She sounds like shes being greedy or totally doesn't get what a great gift just the cake is. Time to educate her.
I would only *at this point* offer to do the cake for cost and the rest as a gift of time since it's already been offered. If she scoffs then the offer is off the table.
She could easily go and price out some cakes to see how much you would be saving her.
Being in the wedding, the cake and a gift.....NO WAY, not even for my own mother.

Texas_Rose Posted 5 Sep 2009 , 3:55am
post #5 of 16

I would just tell her..."My ingredients are going to cost XXX, plus I need to buy pans and (whatever else you need, flower cutters, etc...). We're on a pretty careful budget and that's all that I can afford to spend. I love you and I'm happy you're getting married, and happy to do this for you, but I can't afford another gift besides. The week that I spend making your cake should be enough of a gift." I'm old enough to tell someone when I don't have money (or the inclination) to make their dream a reality.

And you're a better friend than me...the whole "no, you're gonna do it out of the kindness of your heart and get me a gift besides," thing is a pi$$ off. Nobody's going to tell me what I'm "gonna do". But then again, I've ditched all the friends who were taking advantage of me, and I don't have very many friends left at all.

Now, on the other hand, if she bought you some lavish wedding gift and you need to return the favor, that's a little different.

Texas_Rose Posted 5 Sep 2009 , 3:59am
post #6 of 16

Oh, and I forgot to mention, it's probably not just going to be the one cake. Since you're the matron of honor, you're probably stuck throwing the bridal shower...a cake occasion. Don't forget the rehearsal dinner...when you have a source of unlimited free cake, cake sounds yummy for rehearsal dinner. And there may be a bachelorette party...a naughty cake occasion. And a groom's cake...you wouldn't want the groom to feel left out. Another cake occasion.

mkolmar Posted 5 Sep 2009 , 4:00am
post #7 of 16

Texas Roses response is perfect. What I was trying to say, but she said it better. (hey, I'm an insomniac who's very tired but can't sleep)
--The buying a gift also attitude is what got me. I've cut a lot of people out of my life who were human sponges.

BlakesCakes Posted 5 Sep 2009 , 4:22am
post #8 of 16

If this is really a "BFF", then it should be very easy to talk to her directly about the cake:

If you can afford the ingredients and the time to make the cake:

"BFF, if you really would like to have my cake at the wedding, I'd love to give it to you and XX as my and my DH's wedding gift to you two. That's better than getting another blender, right?
If she gets pissy about that, she's not a BFF...............

If you can only afford the time investment:

"BFF, if you really would like to have my cake at the wedding, I'd love to make it, but right now, I can't afford all of the ingredients I'd need for such a large cake. I could do it, however, if you can pay for the ingredients."

In that case, I think a small gift might be in order.

If she gets pissy about it, she's not a BFF...........

To be honest, her original comment sounds like she was teasing you. If she's mature, she'd call you to talk about the cake and tell you that she was joking about any other present.

No matter what, I'd clear it up RIGHT NOW! I've seen too many posts on here where women think that they'll be doing the cake, only to find that the bride has booked someone else. Everyone goes around with hanging heads and heavy hearts, angry at the bride--when she's too self involved to realize that she's hurt someone's feelings.

If she's not sure what she wants to do, tell her to go out now and get some ideas about design & pricing. Intuition tells me that she'll very quickly take you up on whatever offer you're most comfortable fufilling.

JMHO
Rae

SugarFrosted Posted 5 Sep 2009 , 4:23am
post #9 of 16

If I was in your position, I would "assume" she was joking about an additional gift. If she gets angry because you did not spend a $gazillion for an additional gift after doing the wedding cake as a gift, then she is not your friend.

I'd do the appropriate cake within my budget, and then write an invoice for the cake (at the going rate in your area - call around to get the highs and lows for whatever you plan to bake) and mark it "PAID IN FULL- Our Gift to You" and be done with it. Any friend of mine who TELLS me what I am going to do, and assumes I will do MORE than that as well...well, imo she is not much of a friend and more of a Bridezilla.

As to being saddled with other cakes for her wedding events, you must use your words and say, "I'm sorry, I can't afford to do that." And stand firm.

I have seen lots of friendships disintegrate when unrealistic expectations are more important than respect and appreciation.

__Jamie__ Posted 5 Sep 2009 , 4:38am
post #10 of 16

Okkkkkkkay...I'll say it!

What planet is this where BFF's act like that to their BFF's?? Like OMG, my bestest best bestiest best-best friend in the whole wide world like totally expects me...ok, nope, can't talk like that, not even for effect. icon_biggrin.gif

Sorry....really, is friendship so disposable nowadays?

Hope it works out for you. Sorry to hear your best friend is such a twit.

indydebi Posted 5 Sep 2009 , 5:16am
post #11 of 16

Her: "you're making my cake AND buying me a gift!"
Me: "think again, chic! Anybody ELSE giving you a $750 present like I am?"

Then give her this website address: www.etiquettehell.com and tell her "Read the stories on here. Don't do something that MAKES me submit a story about you!" icon_twisted.gif

Nobody TELLS someone else, "You ARE buying me a present!"

-K8memphis Posted 5 Sep 2009 , 8:20am
post #12 of 16

Well hmm--it's not like you're loosing a girlfriend, you're loosing a girlfriend and a ton of money (and time) on her wedding.

Just being matron of honor and doing her cake are almost mutually exclusive--

She's put you in a tremendously awkward position and this incident is not indicative of the best friend you've imagined her to be. So I'm sorry about that.

I mean maybe you owe her from all she's done for you but I kinda doubt it.

I'd really wake up fast on this one.

You are the frog in the pot of water and the ticking clock is gonna heat that water hotter and hotter till you're cooked.

Tastes just like chicken thoughts for you.

Shelle_75 Posted 5 Sep 2009 , 12:41pm
post #13 of 16

I would not even discuss an additional present with her. I'd make her the cake, and that's all. If she brought it up after the wedding, which would be extrememly tacky, I'd tell her the $750 cake was her present. Pretty much what everyone else has said. Sounds like the whole shebang is going to be a PITA.

CakesByJen2 Posted 5 Sep 2009 , 1:18pm
post #14 of 16

I think I would be inclined to tell her I could not do the cake. She probably really does expect a gift, too. People are totally clueless about how expensive it is to make a wedding cake, or how much time is involved. I learned very early not to do cakes as a gift because people never appreciate it and think you are being cheap if the cake is your only gift.

My very first wedding cake was for my sister, she begged me to do it to save her money on her wedding, and understood it would be our wedding gift as it would cost me money to buy the pans, ingredients, and have my supplies shipped to her location. I was also the matron of honor and hosted a shower, and worked my butt off the whole week of her wedding. She appreciated it, but the asshole she married (and divorced soon after) complained about that being my only gift and that they should get to keep all the pans and stuff!

I never did a cake as my gift again! If family/friends want a cake, they pay, and I give a regular gift.

LaBellaFlor Posted 5 Sep 2009 , 2:56pm
post #15 of 16

I would have took it as a joke, cause I know my BFF would joke like that...and it just be ajoke. But you know your friend, and how she jokes, so thats why I'm assuming your upset. a MOH takes on a lot of resposiblity, both time & financial. Talk to her now.

WildSugar Posted 7 Sep 2009 , 4:27am
post #16 of 16

Wow. I'm assuming she was serious...that's just nuts. Is she always like this, or is she just being a bridezilla? I mean, one of my BBF's is getting married next fall and told me "You ARE making my cake because you WILL be there!" (She lives in KS, i live in ID) But she would never actually say it seriously. *I* still know she REALLY means "I would love for you to make my cake and be at my wedding please please please?" LOL! And i dont have one single problem with doing her wedding cake as her gift AND getting something else for them. But if she actually had the cajones to seriously TELL me i was doing both? Pfff....not s'much BFF anymore....

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