What Do I Say? (Re: Stillbirth)

Lounge By frostingfairy Updated 2 Sep 2009 , 3:37am by sarahokie

frostingfairy Posted 28 Aug 2009 , 10:18pm
post #1 of 14

I just learned that my friend and colleague, who was barely 5 months pregnant, lost the twins she was carrying. It was pretty horrific, she had to be induced and push...I just can't imagine...we're all pretty devestated.

The funeral is on Sunday....what do I say?

ALso, I've never been to a Christian funeral... what is appropriate attire? (I know that sounds trivial, but if I don't focus on trivial right now, I will start crying again)

Thanks,
Erika

13 replies
Texas_Rose Posted 28 Aug 2009 , 10:32pm
post #2 of 14

Just wear something plain, a navy blue or gray suit if you have one. Focusing on the trivial helps me too.

Oh, and you should edit the title of your thread to read (stillbirth mentioned) in it so that anyone who's had something like that happen and is still grieving will know not to open the thread.

One of my friends lost a baby. He was full term and his brain had quit developing in the 3rd trimester. They didn't know anything was wrong until he was born in a coma. She totally fell apart. She couldn't care for herself or her other daughter. It was horrible. She would drive for hours and her daughter would have a toilet accident in the car seat and she wouldn't notice, then she'd bring her over and the little girl would be brown from the waist to the ankles, with sores from sitting in it so long. She had fleas too. It's hard to interfere in someone's family and I thought I might have to call child protective services but instead I just kept going over and getting the little girl, then I'd take her to my house and bathe and feed her. Sometimes I'd find my friend laying down out in the parking lot. So if your friend has other kids, you may want to offer to watch them if you're able, whenever she needs some time.

The other thing is, don't avoid the topic with her. When you see her, tell her how sorry you are for her loss, hug her, cry with her, whatever she seems to need...but as a society we're not good at talking to people who have suffered a loss, so other people may be avoiding her because they're not sure what to say. Make sure you don't do that. Don't tell her you know how she feels, don't tell her it's part of God's plan for her, don't tell her she can always have another baby.

kakeladi Posted 28 Aug 2009 , 10:38pm
post #3 of 14

......... Don't tell her you know how she feels, don't tell her it's part of God's plan for her, don't tell her she can always have another baby..........

The best advice ever!
Sometimes just sitting silent is all she will need. Let her know you are there for her no matter what she wants/needs. Let her take the lead in what to talk about. But don't avoid the subject totally.

veronica720 Posted 28 Aug 2009 , 10:39pm
post #4 of 14

This just happened to my cousin and it was very hard for me to talk to her because I didn't know what to say. I just said "I am so sorry that this happened to you". It was terrible but I could only support her and be there if she needed me. We are very close.

They say everything happens for a reason and I guess I do believe this especially after that. The baby was not healthy apparently, it would have had alot of problems and may not have even survived after birth. So I guess for her it was just not the right time. Sometimes terrible things happen and there is no explanation.

I hope everything will work out.

veronica720 Posted 28 Aug 2009 , 10:42pm
post #5 of 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by kakeladi

......... Don't tell her you know how she feels, don't tell her it's part of God's plan for her, don't tell her she can always have another baby..........





I agree 100%, cause unless this has happened to you then you have no idea.

indydebi Posted 28 Aug 2009 , 10:48pm
post #6 of 14

I am so sorry for your friend. Please give her a hug from me.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Texas_Rose

The other thing is, don't avoid the topic with her. When you see her, tell her how sorry you are for her loss, hug her, cry with her, whatever she seems to need...but as a society we're not good at talking to people who have suffered a loss, so other people may be avoiding her because they're not sure what to say. Make sure you don't do that. Don't tell her you know how she feels, don't tell her it's part of God's plan for her, don't tell her she can always have another baby.



Having gone thru 2 miscarriages, Rose is giving good advice. Just a simple "I'm so sorry .... I've no idea what to say" says volumes. We sometimes thing we need to say something profound and "wise", but the person just needs to know you're there and you care.

The one I remember most was a coworker who was very uncomfortable. She looked at the floor and kinda shuffled back and forth on her feet while she mumbled, "uh .... I .... uh..... well.... I just wanted to say ... uh ... I'm sorry .... uh .... well....that's all." She was so uncomfortable that it made me laugh, which I really needed right then. I gave her a big hug and told her "That's the best thing I've heard all day."

You're there ....you care. thumbs_up.gif

michellenj Posted 29 Aug 2009 , 1:21am
post #7 of 14

Having been through something similar, I can tell you that the less you say, the better. Everyone tries to come up with the perfect thing to say to you, and almost always say the wrong thing. Like the other poster said, just say that you are sorry this happened to them. Your friend is in a fog right now, but she will remember that you were there. For God's sake, don't say that it was God's plan and that something was probably wrong with the baby. When I lost mine, I thought I would lose my mind from people asking me why it happened. I felt that somehow I caused it to happen, and truth be told nobody really ever knows why they lose a baby (usually). At the end, I got sick of the "why's" and screamed "Because God hates me!!!!!!!!!!!!" That usually stoped people in their tracks.

Just wear something understated and dressy.

Be prepared for her to not be herself for a couple of years.

frostingfairy Posted 29 Aug 2009 , 1:42am
post #8 of 14

Thanks for the advice, everybody. This is all so surreal because she had just begun to tell everyone that she was pregnant, then 2 days later this happens. I've had 2 miscarriages myself, but they were so early on, that I really had no emotional reaction. I won't say I know how she's feeling, because I don't. I'm just going to hug her and sit with her and let her feel how she wants to feel without platitudes.

Why is it that our society has such trouble with sex and death?

LaBellaFlor Posted 29 Aug 2009 , 2:57am
post #9 of 14

I totally agree with kakeladi. I think that was the best advice. My husband and I had 4 miscarriages in a row. I was very rational about it the first 2 times, you know, somethings wrong with the fetus, which is usually the case. Still hurt, but rational. But then it happen again... and again. And then we got pregnant for the 5th time and I saw the signs of another miscarriage coming and I got on my knees and begged God, I said I don't even care if there is something wrong, just let me keep this baby. And He did. And she is a beautiful baby girl and she does have down syndrome and she is perfect. And then we had 2 more babies back to back. My best friend just used to put her arm aroung me & thats all I really needed.

Shelle_75 Posted 29 Aug 2009 , 3:05am
post #10 of 14

Bless you Frosting Fairy for being there for your friend.

And bless you La Bella Flor, and all the rest of my cake buddies who have lost your precious little babies. I have no words.

vicki3336 Posted 29 Aug 2009 , 3:29am
post #11 of 14

I haven't lost a child, but I've been widowed twice and the thing that bothered me the most was when people would say that "God has his reasons" or "everything happens for a reason". I could accept that with me the first time, but the second time I had two small boys who adored their father and I could thing of NO GOOD REASON why God would let this happen. I was madder than hell at God and everyone who had a family intact. What I'm saying is be there, don't offer solutions, don't make excuses, just let her know you care.

diane Posted 29 Aug 2009 , 4:07am
post #12 of 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by frostingfairy

I just learned that my friend and colleague, who was barely 5 months pregnant, lost the twins she was carrying. It was pretty horrific, she had to be induced and push...I just can't imagine...we're all pretty devestated.

The funeral is on Sunday....what do I say?

ALso, I've never been to a Christian funeral... what is appropriate attire? (I know that sounds trivial, but if I don't focus on trivial right now, I will start crying again)

Thanks,
Erika




this is so sad. icon_redface.gif i'm so sad for your friend. i can not even begin to imagine he suffering she is going through. my prayers are with her! icon_redface.gif

Doug Posted 29 Aug 2009 , 4:51am
post #13 of 14
Quote:
Originally Posted by kakeladi

......... Don't tell her you know how she feels, don't tell her it's part of God's plan for her, don't tell her she can always have another baby..........

The best advice ever!
Sometimes just sitting silent is all she will need. Let her know you are there for her no matter what she wants/needs. Let her take the lead in what to talk about. But don't avoid the subject totally.




a wise pastor friend of mine called this: "the ministry of presence"

and instructed that often no words are the best words

a simple hug,

a simple gesture of friendship

simply "being there" is all that matters.

---

someone once said:

it should be a crime for a child to die before the parent.

----

be there for her

sarahokie Posted 2 Sep 2009 , 3:37am
post #14 of 14
Quote:
Quote:

and instructed that often no words are the best words

a simple hug,

a simple gesture of friendship

simply "being there" is all that matters.




Great advice. I had a miscarriage 3.5 years ago. There was nothing anyone could have said that would help. In fact, most of what was said just made things worse for me.

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