I agree with what everyone has said. This is your child and as parents is it our job to keep them safe. We should always trust our gut when it comes to our children. I have an 8 year old and an almost 10 year old. They have only slept over at the grandparents houses. No sleepovers at friends houses until middle school. At that point no sleep overs until we have had dinner at that house. If we aren't good enough friends to have dinner there with them, then the kids do not need to sleep over. The kids know this and don't ask about it. We are very protective of the kids and I also get kidded about how protective we are. We are the house that all the neighborhood kids come to. I feel like a babysitter a lot, but I know my kids are safe. I also know that some of the children love coming here because they get cared for and talked to by an adult. We fix snacks and all have a great time.
We have had to faze kids out of our lives because they are so ill mannered. It is a bummer, but there is no reason to keep our kids around such stinkers.
I guess what it comes down to is that we are our childrens parents and we do what is best for them. Follow your gut you are doing the right thing for your child.

The best piece of parenting advice I can give anyone is this:
Go with your gut ALWAYS. If you err on the side of caution, so what?

This reminds me of the relative who wanted to take her grandchild and my (3 or 4 year old) child in her car, no car seats. She tried to lay guilt on me for not letting my kid go with her. "You can't put her in a bubble."
All I kept thinking was, "You're one of the most liberal parents I know, and you like to drink. I'll NEVER put my kid in a car with you." And I never did, and I never regretted it.

My grown kids still say I was overprotective, and when I ask them to elaborate, they have NOTHING to offer. The best they can do is, "You wouldn't let me go to ........." And it was somewhere I wouldn't let them go to when they're 40.
And I'm still preaching the same social, civic and safety rules that my kids have heard all their lives.
My mother didn't let me go to Woodstock as a 15 year old girl. Did I think she was being overprotective? You betcha. Was she? No way!

There are parents who do not let their children go on ANY school field trips. PERIOD. It's their prerogative, and I respect that.

I know that I was one of the few (if not only) parents who set firm limits and boundaries (which I felt were age-appropriate). Some of my kids' friends claimed they had no curfews or physical boundaries. They SAID they could go anywhere, anytime. I'm not sure how true that was, but they appeared to have unlimited freedom, which I found troubling.
It looked like I was overprotective because many other parents weren't doing any parenting at all. That whole "be your child's friend" nonsense. As in the idiot parents who would buy beer for their kids

Our kids had to earn and "grow into" privileges.

Some people have kids and fail to realize that their adorable bundles of joy will require constant supervision for at least 18 years. (And then some?) They discover that it's easier to do nothing than to do the right thing.

I digress.
NO, you're not being overprotective. Don't let anyone make you feel guilty for doing what you think is right.

And on the subject of sleepovers.........................

Attention inexperienced parents:
You will be paying the price for a Friday night sleepover until Monday. Your child's lack of sleep may keep him/her cranky, crabby and ill-tempered for days. They'll want to sleep during the days following the sleepover, and their schedule (I'm talking about teenagers) will be OFF. And then they won't be tired at night because they slept during the day. Headaches, stomache aches from the junk food.....................
And if you're the ones hosting the sleepover.........you should know that very little sleeping is done at sleepovers. Your night will be shot, too.
I still shudder when I think about sleepovers.

I also agree with everyone. I would tell the mother you only let her sleep over with family or just flat out tell her you aren't comfortable having sleep overs at such a young age and leave it at that. I am a LOT over protective over my 2 and I don't care who likes it or not! I take alot of crap from my neighbor who tells me I need to "cut the cord." They make jokes all the time. One day I wasn't home and dh let the kids out to play,it was still cold out. DH came inside to go to the bathroom and my neighbors DH drove by and later told his wife "Tiffany must not be home, Gavin was outside by himself with his coat unzipped!" You can never be too careful when it comes to kids!

I've lived all over the U.S. and the only time I've ever seen regular sleepovers for LITTLE kids (I'm talking 2 years old!) was when we moved to Virginia. I didn't let my daughter sleep over because I thought that was the weirdest thing I'd ever heard of, and of course I now have the reputation as the one who won't let her kids do anything. SO WHAT!

The one time I weakened and let her sleep at a friend's house was when my neighbor, who was her Brownie troop leader, was having a sleepover for the troop. She lives right behind us, and my heighbor pretty much wheedled me into letting my daughter sleep over. So I did, and whoa nelly, the following day was NOT a happy one. They didn't go to sleep until 1am (this was when she was about 6, I think) and she was so tired and cranky the next day I told her to forget sleeping anywhere other than your own bed from now on!

God only knows what would go on at a house with no supervision during a sleepover. Even if you said okay and let the other little girl stay at your house, it sounds like it would be miserable. 4 is too young for sleepovers, IMO, even though my neighbors all seem to think it's normal!

I'll also add that my daughter is now 10, and does sleepovers at friends' houses whose parents I know, but the window is closing on that! I told her that there won't be any more sleeping anywhere else once she hits middle school. That seems to be when all the sneaking out of the house at night starts with the little brats around here, so forget it!

To each his/her own. When I was growing up, I was not allowed to visit company when the mother was not at home. It's your personal preference and in the day and age when the Sunday school teacher might rape and kill your child, it's hard to leave them with ANYONE, especially when you are already not comfortable with them. I have very small children (almost 3 and 17 months) and they don't stay alone with anyone but my parents. I'm sure I have a cousin or two that I would trust to watch them, but they also have small children, so why bother them? I'd keep my distance from them for a while, but if their child wanted to play, it would have to be at my house. AND you have every right to enforce the rules of your house. If their child cannot abide, then you can let her parents know she can't come over anymore, unsupervised and the play time limit is 2 hours.

I didn't read all of the posts yet. I just wanted to tell you what she heard when you invited her child over to play: "Would you like some free babysitting?"

You have to watch out for that kind of mom. It's going to sound bad, but pick your child's friends carefully. Your best bet is to find other moms who don't work, because they're less likely to try sticking you with their child for hours on end. A lot of working moms (and not all, so ladies please don't shoot me here) figure that if you don't work, you must have lots of free time, and that you would absolutely love to spend that time watching their kids.

The reason they're suggesting a sleepover is that they would like to have a wild night out. And you are a good mom who won't let your child go to their house unless you come along, so it stands to reason that you wouldn't let your child go to sleepovers. But since you are a nice lady and don't want to be rude to them, you'll probably suggest that the sleepover take place at your house. That way, they have a babysitter for the entire night, for free, who is a lot more responsible than the average teenage kid.

I've dealt with more than my fair share of slacker moms. There are the ones who give you a long story about someone being in the hospital, the ones who ask you to pick up the kid once in a while, the ones who send their kids out to play with yours when they see you walking past, knowing that you won't go inside until all the kids are back indoors, the ones who make it sound like something bad will happen to the child if you don't watch him, the ones who leave a note taped to your door when you're home instead of knocking, so that you can't say no, the ones who don't give you a working cell number and then show up 5 hours later than they said, after you've already had to feed their kids and get them settled down to sleep on your couch, the ones who always send their kids over to borrow food or craft supplies, the ones who ask if they can have your child's extra (not outgrown, just extra) clothes because their child doesn't have any and then they sell the clothes for cigarette money...

I sound a little bit bitter, I know...but I had to move because I wasn't good at saying no to the slacker moms. And everything I described above was stuff that happened to me with different neighbors, all in the space of a year and a half. Now I can say no without a problem, but it took practice.

Yikes Texas_Rose, Sounds like you had some crazy neighbors! There aren't any kids around us except for this girl who lives down the street and I kinda knew what I was getting into when I asked her to come over to play but I figured I'd give them the benefit of the doubt. Bad idea. Now I know better and wont let that happen again. I was so shocked when she dropped her kid off and then just left. I was expecting her to stay. I should have said something, again, lesson learned. The thing that really got my goat was the beer drinking. Would he seriously have started drinking if I wasn't there and it was just the kids? I didn't sleep well that night because I was so upset about it. You all are giving great advice and I really appreciate it! Growing up we were only allowed to go to our cousins house to play and I remember one time a new girl at our school was having a sleep over and my mom and dad wouldn't let me go and I remember exactly what they said and it has stuck with me to this day "We don't know who these people are or what they do..." I was so mad at them at the time but now I get it. I guess I should call them tonight and thank them! =)

Glad we all could help you out on this, drummer27. Now you can just relax and take good care of that little girl of yours.

Not to scare you unnecessarily but....at a recent sleepover a 6 year old belonging to someone I know got "bored" and decided to walk home. 9pm, no one noticed she was gone. Walking down a crazy busy street and someone who knew the child picked her up and took her home...a man. Can you imagine getting that knock on your door when you think your child is "safe in bed" somewhere?

I'm lucky that my best friends and I all just had babies within 10 months of eachother. I can see many sleepovers in my future but with parents I love and trust implicitly. I may even be there hanging out myself! My suggestion to you would be to join some parent groups or something. Try and form some good relationships with parents YOU trust and therefore your daughter will have friends outside of school too. She's only 4, she's got tons of time to have sleepovers, even if it takes you 6 years to find a good friend/parent you can trust. You're a good mom for being so concerned.

My eldest was 4 when she was first invited to a sleepover. I didn't know the mother at all. My first thought was "Are you SERIOUS?"

WE did go and WE stayed for a few hours in the evening and then came home.

I know the family well now and I know they would take good care of my child.

But I still don't allow sleepovers or time at other peoples houses without me being there.

I also don't invite children to play at my house without their parents because I don't want to offend anyone when they offer to do the same, because I WILL say no.

I figure they only have one childhood, why jeopardize it?

You are being perfectly reasonable to have concerns. You saw first hand how these parents "supervised" the children during your daughter's playdate at their house.

Now I consider myself a very liberal mom. My oldest is 17 and my youngest is 7. But even to me the scenarios you've described raise a lot of red flags. Being liberal is NOT the same as being irresponsible. What you described is irresponsible behaviour which thankfully, you don't have to tolerate.

I agree with what people said - let the girls cultivate their friendship in school, until you can find a workable solution for letting them play together outside of school.

One day you will find friends that mesh with your parenting values. Until then, you don't have to let your daughter play over at homes you are not comfortable with.

Once again a big thank you to everyone! I told my husband about their sleepover idea when he got home from work. He was just like "uh....NO!" and just shook his head.

After hearing all of your responses I feel more confident in the way we are raising her. We don't want her to be so sheltered that she's afraid of the world but also we don't want to expose her to things and people that she shouldn't be around, especially at this age.

KathysCC I am known at her preschool for making all of the cool snacks that the kids love like the grahm cracker firetrucks and the 3D penguins made out of Jello, so I know what you are talking about with that. The teachers get excited to see what comes in when it's our turn for snack. Birthday's are the only time cake is allowed so I've had to get pretty creative with other more healthy snacks.

I'm proud to have been known as the "over protective" parent. Although I don't consider my parenting style to be "over protective", I consider it "responsible" parenting.

My 2 are in college now but when they were growing up and would come to me with the ole "everyone else's parents are letting them do such and such and I'm the only one who can't do it"....I'd say, "Everyone else is NOT my child, you are and that's all I care about".

My house is still the "hangout" for my 19 yr old son and his friends. I'd much rather have them here where I know what they're doing......so we go through countless cases of water bottles and bags of snacks each week.....it's all worth it.

Your daughter will thank you someday for being the type of parent who cared enough about her to be "over protective".

Always trust your instincts.....you're doing the right thing, this definitely sounds like a "red flag" sort of family to me too.

edit to fix spelling errors Hope I got them all! LOL!!

I'm the most NON-protective parent out there and no way would I even let my kid hang out at this kid's house let alone a sleepover at the age of 4! That is just nuts. They can be friends at school all they want, but no more home play times.

My daughter has a wild imagination (she is going to grade 1 in September) and always dreams about sleep overs. I think that a day care friend may have put the idea in her head last year.... Anyways, she went to school and invited a girl to sleep over. When I got home there was a message from her mother asking me when she could drop her daughter off. I couldn't believe that a parent would take that seriously, if my daughter came home and told me so-and-so invited her over I always say, "well I haven't heard from their parents." But her play dates, parties, etc, are always attended by me and these parents also stay at my place when we have them here!

I don't know the girl very well even though our community is small, and her mother seems very bizarre or something. I don't know the family history but there are 2 grown men, the mom, a teenage boy and girl, and the little girl my daughter's age living in their home.

OMG! Unbelieveable, really. As a forensic scientist turned cake decorating business owner I can say "Always trust your gut and you can never be too protective.!"

My kids are grown, so can I add a little hard earned wisdom?

I quickly learned to try to be in control of these play date situations. We did the inviting when possible and I almost always said, "I'll be happy to bring your child home at ____o'clock." It is hard to imagine how many parents tell time creatively and show up an hour or two or more late. Even doing that, I would sometimes arrive at the child's home at the exact time I said I would only to find a dark and empty house. Once, a neighbor came out and said, "Oh, this happens a lot. I'll call her mom and see if she can stay with us." ?!?!?!?!

Take the time to think of questions to ask. Once a mom I thought I knew called to ask if my 8 year old daughter could play. Right then. It worked with what we were doing and I had her at their house in 15 minutes. The mom wasn't there and knew she wouldn't be there. Just the housekeeper and a teenage sister.

I also learned to ask lots of questions if you are having a child over to spend the night and there are custody and visitation issues. Goodness! The mom brought the child Friday evening and the dad, who was to have the child the rest of the weekend, never showed up and I couldn't get in touch with the mom!

Sleepovers aren't so bad if you choose well who is invited and they are subject to your sleeping rules. Otherwise, they are no fun in the long run.