Blatant Request For Sympathy.

Lounge By Sugarflowers Updated 10 Aug 2009 , 11:32pm by xstitcher

Sugarflowers Posted 3 Aug 2009 , 6:42pm
post #1 of 34

Egads! I'm in the hospital again! My first round was for 4 days in the beginning of July, round two was the middle of July, and here I am again. Each round is for something different. Some of it has to do with my MS and some is from complications from the meds and complications from the MS. I have no idea what this round is. All I know it that it's painful and I'm sure I'll have some painful tests.

So, I'm looking for some sympathy. It would be even better to get some funny stories or clean jokes.

Thanks for your help and understanding.


33 replies
JGMB Posted 3 Aug 2009 , 6:48pm
post #2 of 34

I don't have any funny stories or jokes to offer, but you certainly can have all the sympathy you want or need (prayers, too)!!!! Hang in there, and I hope you feel better ASAP.

Doug Posted 3 Aug 2009 , 7:02pm
post #3 of 34

A small boy is sent to bed by his father. Five minutes later....
"I'm thirsty. Can you bring drink of water?"
"No. You had your chance. Lights out,"
Five minutes later:"Da-aaaad....."
"I'm THIRSTY. Can I have a drink of water??"
"I told you NO!" If you ask again, I'll have to spank you!!"
Five minutes later......"Daaaa-aaaad....."
"When you come in to spank me, can you bring a drink of water?"


An exasperated mother, whose son was always getting into mischief, finally asked him, "How do you expect to get into Heaven?"

The boy thought it over and said, "Well, I'll run in and out and in and out and keep slamming the door until St. Peter says, "For Heaven's sake, Jimmy, come in or stay out!"


One summer evening during a violent thunderstorm a mother was tucking her small boy into bed. She was about to turn off the light when he asked with a tremor in his voice, "Mommy, will you sleep with me tonight?"

The mother smiled and gave him a reassuring hug. "I can't dear," she said. "I have to sleep in Daddy's room."

A long silence was broken at last by his shaky little voice: "The big sissy."


A mother took her three year old daughter to church for the first time. The church lights were lowered, and then the choir came down the aisle carrying lighted candles. All was quiet until the little one started to sing in a loud voice, "Happy Birthday to you...."


It was that time, during the Sunday morning service, for the children's sermon. All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"

The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a b*** to iron."


Finding one of her students making faces at others on the playground, Mrs. Smith stopped to gently reprove the child. Smiling sweetly, the teacher said, "Bobby, when I was a child, I was told that if I made ugly faces, it would freeze and I would stay like that."

Bobby looked up and replied, "Well, Mrs. Smith, you can't say you weren't warned."


tamarawagner99 Posted 3 Aug 2009 , 7:04pm
post #4 of 34

I'm so sorry, Michele! Please feel and get better soon. I hate to hear of someone being in pain. You will be in my thoughts and prayers...

If it's any consolation (but I know it's nothing in comparison to what you're going through), two weeks ago I had my third emergency room room trip in ten months. This one was unrelated to the two last year, but I am becoming quite familiar with my local ER. icon_rolleyes.gif I very clumsily stepped off of a stepladder and dislocated my kneecap (worst pain I've ever had). Way to go, Grace! icon_rolleyes.gif

Doug Posted 3 Aug 2009 , 7:11pm
post #5 of 34


To those of you who have children in your lives, whether they are your own, grandchildren, nieces, nephews, or is something to make you chuckle.

Whenever your children are out of control, you can take comfort from the thought that even God's omnipotence did not extend to His own children. After creating heaven and earth, God created Adam and Eve. And the first thing he said was "DON'T!"

"Don't what?" Adam replied.

"Don't eat the forbidden fruit." God said.

"Forbidden fruit? We have forbidden fruit? Hey Eve...we have forbidden fruit!!!!!"

"No Way!"

"Yes way!"

"Do NOT eat the fruit!" said God.


"Because I am your Father and I said so!" God replied, wondering why He hadn't stopped creation after making the elephants. A few minutes later, God saw His children having an apple break and He was ticked!

"Didn't I tell you not to eat the fruit?" God asked.

"Uh huh," Adam replied.

"Then why did you?" said the Father.

"I don't know," said Eve.

"She started it!" Adam said

"Did not!"

"Did too!"


Having had it with the two of them, God's punishment was that Adam and Eve should have children of their own. Thus the pattern was set and it has never changed.


If you have persistently and lovingly tried to give children wisdom and they haven't taken it, don't be hard on yourself. If God had trouble raising children, what makes you think it would be a piece of cake for you?


1. You spend the first two years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next sixteen telling them to sit down and shut up.

2. Grandchildren are God's reward for not killing your own children.

3. Mothers of teens now know why some animals eat their young.

4. Children seldom misquote you. In fact, they usually repeat word for word what you shouldn't have said.

5. The main purpose of holding children's parties is to remind yourself that there are children more awful than your own.

6. We child proofed our homes, but they are still getting in.

ADVICE FOR THE DAY: Be nice to your kids. They will choose your nursing home.



Doug Posted 3 Aug 2009 , 7:20pm
post #6 of 34

(hmmm reminds me of the recent brou-ha-ha over the new hymnal in my own denomination!)

Leaders of the church last week announced the publication of a new hymnal.

"This is truly a hymnal for the new century," said Presiding Bishop Luke W. Armm. "This collection of hymns really captures the essence of our tradition," Bishop Armm explained. "At the core of our belief is the motto, 'Moderation in all things,' and that applies to our faith life as well. We just don't like to get carried away."

When asked if the new hymnal will help the church attract new members, Bishop Armm replied, "Yeah, sure. You Betcha! People in today's society get kind of uncomfortable with too much talk about things like commitment and dedication. They'd much rather have a religion that they can turn on or off at will. Our church seeks to pander--er, I mean--meet that need. This hymnal will help with that, I think."

Editor in chief of the new hymnal, Priscilla ("Presh") S. Moment, explained some of the difficulty the committee had in choosing hymns. "Many of the old favorites just won't cut it among modern church goers," said Moment. "We had to change a lot of the wording to make them fit with our style. We tried to incorporate some new songs into the book, but we had trouble finding composers interested in writing new music. Oh, well!"

The title of the new hymnal, Church Songs, was chosen very carefully, explained Moment. "We didn't want to turn anybody off with threatening words that no one understands any more like 'Worship' or 'Hymn.'"

Here is a partial list of titles included in the new hymnal:

I Surrender Some
There Shall Be Sprinkles of Blessings
Fill My Spoon, Lord
Oh, How I like Jesus
He's Quite a Bit to Me
I Love to Talk about Telling the Story
Take My Life and Let Me Be
It Is My Secret What God Can Do
There Is Scattered Cloudiness in My Soul Today
Onward, Christian Reservists
Where He Leads Me, I Will Consider Following
Just as I Pretend to Be
When the Saints Go Sneaking in
Sit Up, Sit up for Jesus
A Comfy Mattress Is Our God
Self-esteem to the World! The Lord Is Come
Oh, for a Couple of Tongues to Sing
Amazing Grace, How Interesting the Sound
Go Tell it on the Speed Bump
Special, Special, Special
Lord, Keep Us Loosely Connected to Your Word
Praise God from Whom All Affirmations Flow
My Hope Is Built on Nothing Much
O, God, Our Enabler in Ages past
I Lay My Inappropriate Behaviors on Jesus
Pillow of Ages, Fluffed for Me
All Hail the Influence of Jesus' Name!
When Peace, like a Trickle
I'm Fairly Certain That My Redeemer Lives
We Give Thee but Still Think We Own
What an Acquaintance We Have in Jesus
My Faith Looks Around for Thee
Blessed Hunch
Above Average Is Thy Faithfulness
We Are Milling Around in the Light of God
Spirit of the Living God, Fall Somewhere near Me
Blest Be the Tie That Doesn't Cramp My Style
Joyful, Joyful, We Kinda Like Thee
Just as I Am, with Lots of Excuses
Be Thou My Hobby
Spirit of God, Descend upon Their Hearts

Doug Posted 3 Aug 2009 , 7:21pm
post #7 of 34

of course, we all need bad puns

How do crazy people go through the forest?
They take the psycho path.

How do you get holy water?
Boil the he** out of it.

What did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long?

What do prisoners use to call each other?
Cell phones.

What do the letters D.N.A. stand for?
National Dyslexics Association.

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't work?
A stick.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho Cheese.

What do you call Santa's helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.

What do you call four bull fighters in quicksand?
Quatro sinko.

What do you get from a pampered cow?
Spoiled milk.

What do you get when you cross a snowman with a vampire?

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.

What's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?
Anyone can roast beef.

What kind of coffee was served on the Titanic?

Two vultures board an airplane, each carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at them and says: Im sorry, gentlemen, only one carrion allowed per passenger.

Did you hear that NASA recently put a bunch of Holsteins into low earth orbit? They called it the herd shot round the world.

Two boll weevils grew up in South Carolina. One went to Hollywood and became a famous actor. The other stayed behind in the cotton fields and never amounted to much. The second one, naturally, became known as the lesser of two weevils.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sankproving once and for all that you cant have your kayak and heat it, too.

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: Im looking for the man who shot my paw.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused his dentists Novocain during root canal work? He wanted to transcend dental medication.

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. But why? they asked, as they moved off. Because, he said, I cant stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer.

There was a man who entered a local papers pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named Amal. The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him Juan. Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his Mom. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Amal. Her husband responds, But they are twins! If youve seen Juan, youve seen Amal.

These friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise the funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, the rival florist across town thought the Competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. He asked his mother to go and ask the friars to get out of the business. They ignored her too. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to persuade them to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying hed be back if they didnt close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that, Hugh, and only Hugh, can prevent florist friars.

Doug Posted 3 Aug 2009 , 7:29pm
post #8 of 34

Inside every older woman is a younger woman -- wondering what in the world happened.

-Cora Harvey Armstrong

The hardest years in life are those between ten and seventy.

-Helen Hayes (at 73)-

I refuse to think of them as chin hairs. I think of them as stray eyebrows.

-Janette Barber-

Things are going to get a lot worse before they get worse.

-Lily Tomlin-

My second favorite household chore is ironing. My first being hitting my head on the top bunk bed until I faint.

-Erma Bombeck-

Every time I close the door on reality it comes in through the windows.

-Jennifer Unlimited-

Whatever women must do they must do twice as well as men to be thought half as good. Luckily, this is not difficult.

-Charlotte Whitton-

I try to take one day at a time, but sometimes several days attack me at once.

-Jennifer Unlimited-

If you can't be a good example, then you'll just have to be a horrible warning.

-Catherine Aird-

I'm not going to vacuum 'til Sears makes one you can ride on.

-Roseanne Barr-

I think---therefore I'm single.

-Lizz Winstead-

If men can run the world, why can't they stop wearing neckties? How intelligent is it to start the day by tying a noose around your neck?

-Linda Ellerbee-

I am a marvelous housekeeper. Every time I leave a man I keep his house.

-Zsa Zsa Gabor-

Auryn Posted 3 Aug 2009 , 7:37pm
post #9 of 34

I'm sorry your not doing well.
Here is to hoping you feel better and get out of there soon.
In the mean time here is something to make you smile.

majormichel Posted 3 Aug 2009 , 8:06pm
post #10 of 34

Oh my Doug you put a smile on my face as well.
Sugarflowers, I pray you get better soon.

Doug Posted 3 Aug 2009 , 8:29pm
post #11 of 34

The Food Version of The Creation

In the beginning, God created the Heavens and the Earth and populated the Earth with broccoli, cauliflower and spinach, green and yellow andred vegetables of all kinds, so Man and Woman would live long and healthy lives.

Then using God's great gifts, Satan created Ben and Jerry's Ice Cream and Krispy Creme Donuts. And Satan said, "You want chocolate with that?" And Man said, "Yes!" and Woman said, "and as long as you're at it, add some sprinkles." And they gained 10 pounds. And Satan smiled.

And God created the healthful yogurt that Woman might keep the figure that Man found so fair.

And Satan brought forth white flour from the wheat, and sugar from the cane and combined them to make cake. And Woman went from size 6 to size 14.

So God said, "Try my fresh green salad."

And Satan presented Thousand-Island Dressing, buttery croutons and garlic toast on the side. And Man and Woman unfastened their belts following the repast.

God then said, "I have sent you heart healthy vegetables and olive oil in which to cook them."

And Satan brought forth deep fried fish and chicken-fried steak so big it needed its own platter. And Man gained more weight and his cholesterol went through the roof.

God then created a light, fluffy white cake, named it "Angel Food Cake," and said, "It is good."

Satan then created chocolate cake and named it "Devil's Food."

God then brought forth running shoes so that His children might lose those extra pounds.

And Satan gave cable TV with a remote control so Man would not have to toil changing the channels. And Man and Woman laughed and cried before the flickering blue light and gained pounds.

Then God brought forth the potato, naturally low in fat and brimming with nutrition.

And Satan peeled off the healthful skin and sliced the starchy center into chips and deep-fried them. And Man gained pounds.

God then gave lean beef so that Man might consume fewer calories and still satisfy his appetite.

And Satan created McDonald's and its 99-cent double cheeseburger. Then said, "You want fries with that?" And Man replied, "Yes! And super size them!" And Satan said, "It is good." And Man went into cardiac arrest.

God sighed and created quadruple bypass surgery.

Then Satan created HMOs.

Sox-n-Pats Posted 3 Aug 2009 , 10:08pm
post #12 of 34

I'm sorry you're going through this. You're in our thoughts here.

My mom sent me this the other day...


A stranger was seated next to a little girl on the airplane when the
stranger turned to her and said, 'Let's talk.

I've heard that flights go quicker if you strike up a conversation with
your fellow passenger.'

The little girl, who had just opened her book, closed it slowly and
said to the stranger, 'What would you like to talk about?'

'Oh, I don't know,' said the stranger. 'How about nuclear power?' and
he smiles.

OK, 'she said. 'That could be an interesting topic.. But let me ask you
a question first.

A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat the same stuff - grass - ..
Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty,
and a horse produces clumps of dried grass.
Why do you suppose that is?'

The stranger, visibly surprised by the little girl's intelligence,
thinks about it and says, 'Hmmm, I have no idea.'

To which the little girl replies, 'Do you really feel qualified to
discuss nuclear power when you don't know sh!+?

Sugarflowers Posted 3 Aug 2009 , 10:30pm
post #13 of 34

Thank you so much! The laughs really help, so do the kind thoughts.

Thans again,


7yyrt Posted 3 Aug 2009 , 10:58pm
post #14 of 34

Doug, those are bad icon_lol.gif
Eve's Side of the Story
After three weeks in the Garden of Eden, God came to visit Eve.

So, how is everything going? inquired God.
It is all so beautiful, God, she replied. The sun rises and sunsets are breathtaking; the smells, the sights -- everything is wonderful. But I have just this one problem. It is these three breasts that you have given me. The middle one pushes the other two out, and I am constantly knocking them with my arms, catching them on branches, snagging them on bushes. They are a real pain, reported Eve.

Eve went on to tell God that many other parts of her body (such as her limbs, eyes, and ears) came in pairs, and she felt that having only two breasts might leave her body more symmetrically balanced, as she put it.

That is a fair point, replied God, but it was my first shot at this, you know. I gave the animals six breasts, so I figured that you needed only half of those, but I see that you are right. I will fix it up right away.

God reached down, removed the middle breast, and tossed it into the bushes.

Three weeks passed, and God once again visited Eve in the garden. Well, Eve, how is my favorite creation now?
Just fantastic, she replied, but for one oversight on your part. You see all the animals are paired off. The ewe has a ram and the cow has her bull. All the animals have a mate except me. I feel so alone.

God thought for a moment and said, You know, Eve, you are right. How could I have overlooked this? You do need a mate and I will immediately create a man from a part of you....Now let's see...Where did I put that useless boob?

Deb_ Posted 3 Aug 2009 , 11:13pm
post #15 of 34

7yyrt, I'm LMBO over here that is the funniest thing I've read in a long time!!!

Michelle, I hope your hospital stay will be short and that you'll be feeling a lot better soon. I'll keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Doug.........thanks for all the laughs too!

Texas_Rose Posted 4 Aug 2009 , 12:48am
post #16 of 34


My dad has MS and has lived with it for almost 30 years. One thing that helps him a lot for the pain is self-hypnosis. He said one of his doctors taught it to him when he was first diagnosed. Maybe it would be helpful to you also...he's been suggesting that I learn it because I have a lot of pain related to weather changes since I had the leg surgery. I haven't tried it yet because I've been busy feeling sorry for myself. Another thing that helps my dad sometimes is faith healing...before you laugh, remember that here in San Antonio we're always seeing the Virgin on a tortilla and putting it on the news icon_biggrin.gif Anyhow, whenever there's a faith healer in town my dad goes, and he says sometimes his MS will go into remission for a few years afterwards. He hasn't gone since he started taking Avonex.

Anyhow, I hope you start feeling better soon. Here's a few jokes to cheer you up.

It was graduation day and Mom was trying to take a picture of her son in a cap and gown, posed with his father.

"Let's try to make this look natural," she said. "Junior, put your arm around your dad's shoulder."

The father answered, "If you want it to look natural, why not have him put his hand on my wallet?"

One night a wife found her husband standing over their baby's crib. Silently she watched him. As he stood looking down at the sleeping infant, she saw on his face a mixture of emotions: disbelief, doubt, delight, amazement, enchantment, scepticism.

Touched by this unusual display and the deep emotions it aroused, with eyes glistening she slipped her arm around her husband. "A penny for your thoughts," she said.

"It's amazing!" he replied. "I just can't see how anybody can make a crib like that for only $46.50."
A lecturer teaching medicine was tutoring a class on 'Observation'. He took out a jar of yellow-colored liquid. "This", he explained, "is urine. To be a doctor, you have to be observant to color, smell, sight, and taste."

After saying this, he dipped his finger into the jar and put it into his mouth. His class watched on in amazement, most, in disgust. But being the good students that they were, the jar was passed, and one by one, they dipped one finger into the jar and then put it into their mouth.

After the last student was done, the lecturer shook his head. "If any of you had been observant, you would have noticed that I put my 2nd finger into the jar and my 3rd finger into my mouth."
An old woman is riding the elevator in a very lavish New York City Office Building. A young and beautiful woman gets into the elevator and smelling like expensive perfume turns to the old woman and says arrogantly, "Giorgio - Beverly Hills, $100 an ounce!"

The next young and beautiful woman gets on the elevator and also very arrogantly turns to the old woman and says, "Chanel No. 5, $150 an ounce!"

About three floors later, the old woman has reached her destination and is about to get off the elevator. Before she leaves, she looks both beautiful women in the eyes, bends over, and lets out a most foul-smelling fart. She leaves the stunned women in a cloud of funk, saying "Broccoli - 49 cents a pound."

dailey Posted 4 Aug 2009 , 3:13pm
post #17 of 34

so sorry you're going through this, please know that i will keep you in my prayers *every single day*.

i won't tell you any jokes though, i'm the WORST at them, lol! i had fun reading some of the ones that have been posted so far... especially the ones by doug, lol!

Sugarflowers Posted 4 Aug 2009 , 4:09pm
post #18 of 34

I just found out that my gall bladder is screwed up and not emptying properly, rather, very poorly. So I'll be having surgery today to have it removed. I'm really hoping this will stop the pain when I eat or drink something.

Thanks for all of the support and great laughs.


7yyrt Posted 4 Aug 2009 , 4:25pm
post #19 of 34

Ah. Been there, done that. Much more comfortable now.
Most of the time you just have 2 or 3 little cuts to heal.

Doug Posted 4 Aug 2009 , 4:31pm
post #20 of 34
Originally Posted by Sugarflowers

I just found out that my gall bladder is screwed up and not emptying properly, rather, very poorly. So I'll be having surgery today to have it removed. I'm really hoping this will stop the pain when I eat or drink something.

Thanks for all of the support and great laughs.


hmmmm.... a "good thing" maybe.

when the bridzillas attack your bile won't be in a rile?!

remember -- through chocolate, not tomatoes!

OfficerMorgan Posted 4 Aug 2009 , 4:31pm
post #21 of 34

Good luck with your surgery-we'll be thinking about you!

Lenette Posted 4 Aug 2009 , 4:36pm
post #22 of 34

YOu are in my thoughts Michele! I wish you a speedy recovery.

THank you all for the jokes, I am stuck at home with sick kids and laughing like a nut. My daughter keeps asking why I am crying! icon_lol.gificon_lol.gif

xstitcher Posted 6 Aug 2009 , 6:48am
post #23 of 34

Just saw your post, hoping everything went well in surgery today and praying that this will help you.

I had similar issues but my pain comes when I eat anything fatty, you think I'd lose weight but can I stop myself icon_lol.gificon_lol.gif

suz3 Posted 6 Aug 2009 , 1:29pm
post #24 of 34

I can't even think of anything remotely funny after Doug. He is the master of funny. I can offer you my positive thoughts and prayers. I hope your hospital stay is brief and any pain is quite tolerable.

Sugarflowers Posted 6 Aug 2009 , 6:30pm
post #25 of 34

The surgery went well. The Doc said my gall baldder was in bad shape and said I probably had problems for quite while (I have, but no one could fihre out why.

I had a rough day yesterday. I started running a fever, sometimes as much as 102.5. I'm doing better today. I should get to go home tomorrow.


7yyrt Posted 6 Aug 2009 , 8:23pm
post #26 of 34

Very glad to hear it.

And when the doctor tells you it will take 2 months to heal completely - he MEANS it! Don't push it too hard. hugs

kakeladi Posted 6 Aug 2009 , 9:11pm
post #27 of 34

So good to hear you are doing better. Prayers that you will continue to heal with out c omplications.

xstitcher Posted 6 Aug 2009 , 9:39pm
post #28 of 34

Here's praying for a speedy recovery. Hope your feeling better.

Doug Posted 6 Aug 2009 , 9:44pm
post #29 of 34
Originally Posted by Sugarflowers

The surgery went well. The Doc said my gall baldder was in bad shape and said I probably had problems for quite while (I have, but no one could fihre out why.

I had a rough day yesterday. I started running a fever, sometimes as much as 102.5. I'm doing better today. I should get to go home tomorrow.


are you sure that fever wasn't CC & cake withdrawal??

you're obviously well enough that your CC addiction has kicked in -- posting from your hospital bed as it seems to be.

(is that the cake version of "when it starts to itch really bad, it's healing really well"??)

get well RSN!

sugarshack Posted 9 Aug 2009 , 4:58am
post #30 of 34

Praying for a full recovery for you, Hugs too!

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