I Don't Know What I Should Do? Cause I Don't Know If It Hap

Lounge By koppeskreations Updated 20 Jul 2009 , 6:04pm by Texas_Rose

koppeskreations Posted 15 Jul 2009 , 2:27pm
post #1 of 20

Okay, I don't know if I am asking for advice or just wanting to put this down and tell someone, cause I sure can't tell anyone I know. I think my neighbor and i kissed. But I'm not sure if we did, I had been drinking, (alot) and was also on meds so some parts of the night seem very serreal. I remember him giving me a ride home with some other neighbors and that he gave me a hug but then it all goes blank, and every time I think of it, it seems real and I start hyperventaliting. If it happened I don't know what to do, that is cheating on my husband and if he did that I would leave him. My neighbors marriage would be shot to hell and so many lives screwed up. I am so lost. I am so confused. I am mad at him for kissing me if he did. I am more mad at myself for trusting him, he is such a sweet heart and we have always had such a great and fun relationship. We've talked but not talked and I don't know if I should ask him or just tell myself it didn't happen and go on with my life. I haven't been able to eat in days and I don't know how I fall asleep at night.
AAAAGGGGGHHHHHH! What do I do?

19 replies
emrldsky Posted 15 Jul 2009 , 3:25pm
post #2 of 20

First of all, never mix meds and alcohol again. icon_wink.gif Considering the state you were in, you should explain to your husband what you suspect.

Just tell him you feel sick over something you THINK happened. Did you husband see you in that state? If so, maybe HE was the one who kissed you?

As for your neighbor...I wouldn't bring it up or mention it. Just try not to be alone with him again, or put yourself in a similar situation. Sure you're probably really wanting to know if it really happened, but is it worth it? What will it do if you find out it did or didn't?

If you found out that it didn't really happen, would you feel guilty for "dreaming" about it?

Deb_ Posted 16 Jul 2009 , 12:24am
post #3 of 20

If you are having "dreams" about kissing another man that to me is the bigger issue. Are you attracted to this guy? Is he attracted to you? Do you flirt with each other?

If you can answer yes to any of those questions and you love your husband and your marriage then you need to distance yourself from this guy. I've seen couples who start out as friends and end up fooling around and then 4 peoples lives are ruined, not to mention the kids involved too.

Most important.............I agree with emrldsky, NEVER mix alcohol with any kind of medication. That is a recipe for disaster that you may not live to talk about the next time.

Texas_Rose Posted 16 Jul 2009 , 12:40am
post #4 of 20

I think you should avoid being alone with the neighbor again...whether it happened or you dreamed it, either way it sounds like you're attracted to your neighbor in a way that could endanger your marriage and his.

adonisthegreek1 Posted 16 Jul 2009 , 2:46am
post #5 of 20

I think you need to just put it out of your mind and never mention it to your husband. You don't even know if it happened and that would probably destroy your marriage or at least make you husband suspicious about everything you do. He could have a violent confrontation with the neighbor and what does that accomplish? Don't ever mix meds and alcohol again.

__Jamie__ Posted 16 Jul 2009 , 3:07am
post #6 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by Texas_Rose

I think you should avoid being alone with the neighbor again...whether it happened or you dreamed it, either way it sounds like you're attracted to your neighbor in a way that could endanger your marriage and his.




Ditto

-Tubbs Posted 16 Jul 2009 , 9:16am
post #7 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by adonisthegreek1

I think you need to just put it out of your mind and never mention it to your husband. You don't even know if it happened and that would probably destroy your marriage or at least make you husband suspicious about everything you do. He could have a violent confrontation with the neighbor and what does that accomplish? Don't ever mix meds and alcohol again.



I agree with this. Think carefully before you go telling your DH that things 'might have' happened - you may get much more trouble than you expect. And KEEP AWAY from that neighbour.

koppeskreations Posted 16 Jul 2009 , 3:49pm
post #8 of 20

Thank you all for the advice. Unfortunately I don't know how to exactly stay away from him, since he is my next door neighbor, but I do know that I won't be alone with him if I can help it. I am just so saddened that it either happened or I let me imagination take the best of me, but from his actions the last couple of days, I say we did, I think he is wanting me to bring it up. I hate hiding this from my hubby, we don't have the best relationship but I do love him. Even all the times he has hurt me, I just can't bare to do that to him. I am mad at my neighbor for taking away our friendship and I don't know how it is going to work since he helps out and does alot of construction work for us. (my husband works on the road all week and so I would be alone with him) AAAGGGHH life is not suppose to be this complicated. Stuff like this is not suppose to happen to me.

THanks again!

emrldsky Posted 16 Jul 2009 , 3:56pm
post #9 of 20

Sweetie, you're mad at your neighbor for taking away a friendship? I'd be livid at my neighbor for TAKING ADVANTAGE of me!!

Sorry, but it seems to me that you were very much not in a position to agree to do anything, and even though it was just a kiss (that you're not 100% sure happened), he still took advantage.

Work up a good mad, definitely, but make sure you're mad at him for the right reason.

maryjsgirl Posted 17 Jul 2009 , 6:38am
post #10 of 20

Seems as though you were being a bit destructive to yourself in your choices. Seems like there is something else going on here honestly.


You say that he drove you home. Does this mean he was sober? If so, then he absolutely took advantage of you. He disrespected you and your husband. This is not a friend.

koppeskreations Posted 20 Jul 2009 , 2:48pm
post #11 of 20

Just an update, so I came to the conclusion all week that, I just will let it go and not bring it up to my neighbor, figured I would just sweep it under the rug type of thing. It was going good, got through our neighborhood block party with no problems. On Sunday I was minding my own business and he stopped over we were just chit chatting (I was not going to talk about it) but low and behold he did bring it up. So yes it did happen unfortunately, and he said he was really sorry for upsetting me but I don't think he completely regrets doing it. I tried to make it clear to him that something like that can't ever happen again and he needs to stay on his side of the yard. Now I just can't get it out of my head again and even more afraid that it will happen again. THanks for all the advice!

emrldsky Posted 20 Jul 2009 , 2:52pm
post #12 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by koppeskreations

Just an update, so I came to the conclusion all week that, I just will let it go and not bring it up to my neighbor, figured I would just sweep it under the rug type of thing. It was going good, got through our neighborhood block party with no problems. On Sunday I was minding my own business and he stopped over we were just chit chatting (I was not going to talk about it) but low and behold he did bring it up. So yes it did happen unfortunately, and he said he was really sorry for upsetting me but I don't think he completely regrets doing it. I tried to make it clear to him that something like that can't ever happen again and he needs to stay on his side of the yard. Now I just can't get it out of my head again and even more afraid that it will happen again. THanks for all the advice!




I repeat, he took advantage of you.

That's all I'm saying.

OfficerMorgan Posted 20 Jul 2009 , 3:04pm
post #13 of 20

I think you need to be completely honest with your husband.

Lots of people will disagree with the argument of "Why put him through that?" Let me counteract that argument.

Honesty and trust. Your husband, if he is a rational man, will not pick up and leave you for a kiss. You will be proving your honesty and loyalty by confessing to him immediately, not stewing with a secret that you don't want to share that he will (and he will) eventually discover.

Now in your mind, switch places with your husband, and he is the one who kissed someone else. If he came to you right away, wouldn't it be so much better than if you discovered it on your own later? Wouldn't it be easier to rebuild trust seeing his remorse and his heavy heart needing to confess to you right away?

This doesn't mean he won't be hurt or angry. Or that the two of you won't need counseling or whatever. But, IMO, it's really crucial that you confess to him right now.

TheDomesticDiva Posted 20 Jul 2009 , 3:12pm
post #14 of 20

He definately took advantage of you, especially since he was sober when he did it. HOWEVER the fact that you haven't been able to stop thinking about it for a week and are contimplating it possibly happening again is a recipe for disaster. The part where you said you cant get it out of your head and are scared it's going to happen again---It can't happen again if YOU don't want it to--which to be honest, it sounds kind of like you DO have a thing for your neighbor. You also might want to ask your neighbor whether or not he plans on "apologizing" to your husband for the kiss, because I can guarantee your husband won't be as forgiving hearing something like that from anyone other that you. Sorry to be harsh about it, but this just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen, both for your family and for his.

TheDomesticDiva Posted 20 Jul 2009 , 3:13pm
post #15 of 20

On another note--I'd stay far, far away from your neighbor, and make sure he understands to do the same. A "friend" wouldn't take advantage of you OR your husband like he did.

OfficerMorgan Posted 20 Jul 2009 , 3:18pm
post #16 of 20

Yeah, and to follow up Diva's comment, (I hadn't realize that the OP said those things) if you have that desire somewhere in you, then it will happen again. The spouses will find out, and then you are all in trouble. And any fantasies about the two of you being together...won't happen. It never does. Someone always ends up going back to their spouse and then you're alone, divorced, with the kids displaced.

So, honesty with your husband is an even better idea now, because it will prevent it from happening. If you tell him, you better bet he will never let you anywhere near that man again.

koppeskreations Posted 20 Jul 2009 , 3:36pm
post #17 of 20

To be brutally honest, cause so much easier to do with strangers. I can't say that I have a thing for my neighbor, but I do know that I really care about him, and it was always in a friend sort of way. He has been there for me and defended me to others when my husband and I went through a rough spot. Honestly he is very much a stand up type of guy, who unfortuntately at this time is having a bad time with his wife, (which is why I feel he kissed me cause he is missing that connection in his life) which then pretty much justifies that he took advantage. But the sad part is I don't think I ran away from the kiss or slapped him like I probably should of either, so in away condoning him for starting it. I am honestly confused and I do know as some stated that it will never work out and to many will be hurt and the kids hurt also. It just sucks that this had to complicate things in my life, it just seemed like I was getting to a happy place in my life and content for the way things are in my relationship with my husband, now I am requestioning everything and it is not all my neighbors fault on that one. Thanks all!

Carolynlovescake Posted 20 Jul 2009 , 4:17pm
post #18 of 20

Would you be justifying this "kiss" if you were replacing the word with "sex"?

You were drunk, you were unable to think and make decisions for yourself.

Right there is where the line was crossed.

It wasn't your decision to initiate a kiss, and were you with in your own mindset to even try to push him away??? If you were to drunk to remember it happening then my bet is you were to drunk to react fast enough to say defend yourself.

I say from this point on, stop drinking to the point of being "I can't remember drunk" and especially if taking medications.

Be sure to tell your husband you were to drunk to know it happened and the neighbor said something to you a week later about it. Assure your husband you didn't want it, and you have told this neighbor to steer clear.

There will be fireworks either way, would you rather have them now and get them over with and move on and grow or would you rather live in guilt, have him know something isn't right questioning himself, and have it eat away at your marriage only to have him find out much later and have the fireworks then?

It's going to hurt no matter what and it's not going to be pretty but do your husband the courtesy of knowing now and not making him watch you be miserable.

The longer you keep it from him the worse it's going to be.

OfficerMorgan Posted 20 Jul 2009 , 5:00pm
post #19 of 20

I think that there is a part of all of us, who have been married, that still want to feel attractive and desirable. I think that this tapped into that, and opened up a part of you that you didn't realize you wanted.

But listen carefully, if you don't run away from this, it will happen again and it will escalate. I promise it will.

Tell your husband tonight when he gets home. It is the only way to end it before a full fledges affair starts. If you don't tell him, I think you need to think long and hard about why you don't want to tell him-other than hurting him, are you afraid that this thrill will be taken away from you?

And ((((hugs))))). I don't say these things to beat you down, but for your own good. I'm trying to help you not make a mistake that you will regret forever.

Texas_Rose Posted 20 Jul 2009 , 6:04pm
post #20 of 20
Quote:
Originally Posted by CarolynGwen


Be sure to tell your husband you were to drunk to know it happened and the neighbor said something to you a week later about it. Assure your husband you didn't want it, and you have told this neighbor to steer clear.




I agree that IF you tell your husband you should tell him that way and let him know that you were taken advantage of...

BUT...you know your husband better than we do and you know how he's likely to react. If he's likely to go over and beat the guy up, or to blame you for the whole thing, then you should think carefully before you tell him...not because you want to keep the neighbor from getting beat up, but because you don't want your husband to do something he'd get in trouble for. Also, since his job takes him out of town often, you don't want him wondering every time he goes out of town if you and the neighbor are getting busy.

Someone I barely knew kissed me not very long after I got married. I was working in a convenience store and a guy walked in and started to pull a gun out from his waistband. I had another customer in there, an armed security guard who worked across the street and came over to the store several times during his shift. He walked over to where the would-be robber could see him, and the guy put his gun back in his waistband and left. Then the security guard unloaded his gun and asked if I wanted to hold it (I didn't tell him I had my own gun at home and it was bigger than his icon_lol.gif ), and then he put his arms around me and kissed me on the mouth...no tongue involved, but it was still weird. And I never told my husband about it, because I didn't ask for it, didn't enjoy it, it was just one more weird thing in a weird night in a weird job, which I quit soon after...and my husband ended up being the guard's coworker later on and I was glad that I didn't tell him about it.

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