Am I Out Of Line??

Lounge By Auryn Updated 18 Jul 2009 , 2:50am by Deb_

Auryn Posted 13 Jul 2009 , 5:54pm
post #1 of 16

I need some etiquette help here.
This past friday I threw a surprise birthday party for my boyfriend.
I spent 3 weeks planning it.
It went great.
Here is the problem I am having.
The people that were invited to the party are the people we play volleyball with.
We have spent at least 3-6 hrs a week with these people for a year now.
Everyone is great.
The problem is one particular woman that is normally lovely and mild mannered.
She showed up to the party completely hammered. Her date, a lovely gentleman I knew about but had never met before, was very apologetic, polite and nice.
She completely embarassed herself and me.
My parents were graciously hosting the party on their property. She went barging through the house, yelling at the top of their lungs and walked into every room looking for the bathroom. I only just found out about this today.

I want to email her and let her know how embarassed and dissapointed I was by her behavior. She is easily in her late 40s and I believe has no excuse for the way she behaved and I want to call her out on it (privately of course).
My mom says its not worth the time because people like that don't change.

Because of her behavior, the invitation to host parties on my parent's property has now been removed also in part by the damage she cause to the bathroom (she threw up in there instead of anywhere on the 2 acres of open land).

What do you think???

15 replies
Texas_Rose Posted 13 Jul 2009 , 6:03pm
post #2 of 16

It sounds like the woman has a serious drinking problem and confronting her about it will probably not do any good.

It would have been appropriate to ask her date to take her home when she started creating a disturbance.

Doug Posted 13 Jul 2009 , 6:07pm
post #3 of 16

yes... tell her:

1) how disappointed (heap the guilt)
2) how she caused you relationship damage
3) how she caused loss of venu

and then....

attach bill for having carpets professionally cleaned ---

I'd even back it up w/ a comment of pay or see you in small claims court.


as long as we continue to excuse bad behavior and not hold people accountable, bad behavior will only get worse and more prevalent.

at 40, this is inexcusable and she must be held accountable.

dldbrou Posted 13 Jul 2009 , 9:14pm
post #4 of 16

I would also add to Doug's response to demand a letter of apology to your parents.

Just curious as to why you did not insist on her boyfriend escorting her out as soon as you noticed her drunk? Was it to awkward for you to confront him? I hope he was not drunk also.

Deb_ Posted 13 Jul 2009 , 9:39pm
post #5 of 16

Ugh that's an awful predicament. Since you know her pretty well I would speak to her in person about her behavior, not through e-mail.

When you see her at volleyball this week tell her you'd like to speak to her after the game.

"Julie your behavior at the party was embarrassing and disruptive for me, my parents and all the other guests."

One simple sentence will open the door for her to do the right thing and apologize and offer to make things right with your parents. HOPEFULLY! If she has any sense it will go the right way for you.

Maybe she'll confront you first with an apology. We can only hope.

I feel for you, it just takes one drunk jerk to ruin an evening doesn't it?

Auryn Posted 13 Jul 2009 , 11:44pm
post #6 of 16

thanks everyone.
Her date was a lovely man, very much sober, polite and pleasant.
He seemed rather embarassed at her state.
I did not see them arrive.
When I realized the condition she was in, I spoke with him briefly at which point before I could say anything he said he would be taking her home. They were there maybe 30min.

I think I will have to have a chit chat with her tomorrow
thanks for the support,
I feel better that I'm not the only one who thinks she needs to be brought up to speed on her behavior

Carolynlovescake Posted 14 Jul 2009 , 12:42am
post #7 of 16

When you have a talk with her be sure to just nicely (if there is a way) to ask how she would like to cover the cost of the damage she caused. Would she like to work directly with your parents for repayment or would she prefer for you to get the money from her to pay them.

Don't give her an option to pay or not pay but give her the option of how she prefers to pay for damages. thumbs_up.gif

7yyrt Posted 14 Jul 2009 , 3:22pm
post #8 of 16

A woman you've known for a year got drunk one day, went looking for the bathroom, found it and threw up, and you want to ruin your relationship over that?

Dear heavens; it sounds like unusual behavior for her, not the behavior of a habitual drunkard.
Anyway, how much damage could she do by throwing up in the bathroom? They clean.

CakesByJen2 Posted 14 Jul 2009 , 5:57pm
post #9 of 16

Well, considering that up until now, you have had no problems with her, this seems to be an isolated incident, her date was well-behaved and did take her home as soon as it became apparent she was out-of-control, I would not make as issue of it after the fact.

I most definitely would have made an issue of it at the time by asking her date to take her home, but it seems he did that anyway, without having to be asked. I might ask her in a casual way if something unusual had happened that day to lead her to being in that state, but I wouldn't be overly critical.

If this was a pattern of behavior, I'd definitely drop her like a bad habit and let her know why. But if it's an isolated incident, I'd give her the benefit of the doubt that there were extenuating circumstances and she didn't intend to show up that drunk and behave that badly. Maybe she doesn't normally drink, hadn't eaten, and was drinking some deceptively fruity drink that was stronger than she realized or something. It's happened to me. Once. I learned my lesson after that!

I can certainly understand you being embarassed and unhappy about what happened, though.

BeeBoos-8599_ Posted 14 Jul 2009 , 6:57pm
post #10 of 16

I tend to agree with 7Y. I would probably not bring it up and I think you run the risk of starting tension in a group of people you seem to really like spending time with. It is really worth it? If I said anything to her it would be just to ask "Are you feeling better?" that could open the door for an apology if she can even remember what happened. WWJD??

BeeBoos-8599_ Posted 14 Jul 2009 , 6:58pm
post #11 of 16

I tend to agree with 7Y. I would probably not bring it up and I think you run the risk of starting tension in a group of people you seem to really like spending time with. It is really worth it? If I said anything to her it would be just to ask "Are you feeling better?" that could open the door for an apology if she can even remember what happened. WWJD??

Deb_ Posted 14 Jul 2009 , 7:29pm
post #12 of 16

At the VERY least this woman owes you an apology.......remember we're speaking about a woman in her late 40's here, not a 20 yr old who can't handle her alcohol.

Being in this age group myself, I can assure you that by the time you hit your late 40's you know how much you can drink before you act inappropriately. To show up already in an intoxicated state is irresponsible to say the least.

I know a bathroom is easily cleaned up after an incident like this, but seriously how many of us want to clean a grown woman's vomit? I'll clean up after my DH and kids when they're ill, but a party thank you.

I hope she has the sense to apologize to you when you see her if it was indeed a "slip" in judgment and not a "habitual" act. Either way this will definitely put a damper on this relationship moving forward, I know it would if it were me. I'd be hesitant to invite her to my home again, unless of course I handed her a vomit bag at the door. icon_razz.gif

Carolynlovescake Posted 16 Jul 2009 , 11:29pm
post #13 of 16

The reason I say confront her is

a) This was not the posters house, it was that of her parents. Because of the actions of this drunk woman the parents have said never again.

b) This woman vomited all over a bathroom and the word "damaged" was used. If indeed there was actual damage to carpet, walls, paint, cabinets etc. this woman needs to pay for it plain and simple. There is alot of acid in vomit and if it wasn't caught right away and sat there before being found there very easily could be damage (minor or not) that was done.

Auryn Posted 17 Jul 2009 , 12:43pm
post #14 of 16

Thank you everyone for all your input.
Going into volleyball this week I decided that I would wait for her to say something to me first.
If by the end of the night she didn't say anything then I would bring it up.
I ended up not seeing her until the last 30 min or so of the night- we played on different teams.
I was sitting out with a minor sprain.
She did come up to me and apologized multiple times.
She explained that the guy she is dating (the nice man I met) had been out of town for a month and she hadnt seen him. Some of her friends were keeping her company while she waited for him and she didn't realize she had a few glasses of wine on an empty stomach.

I accepted her apology.
I did tell her I was worried about her behavior and hoped she was ok.
She asked me to apologize to my family.

Things will go back to normal in the gym but I doubt I will be having her over again any time soon.

It will probably make me unpopular but I think from now on I will stick with throwing small dinner parties in my apartment with one bottle of wine for everyone to share.

Thank you all for helping me think through it

7yyrt Posted 17 Jul 2009 , 2:14pm
post #15 of 16

GOOD result, I'm glad for you.

I doubt it will affect your popularity, we don't serve alcohol at all, and usually have a house full of people. (I always worry about people driving home after they have been drinking.)
Good food, good music, good friends, good conversations.

Deb_ Posted 18 Jul 2009 , 2:50am
post #16 of 16

Oh that's great that she approached you first and it sounds like she was sincerely remorseful.

I don't blame you for wanting to tone down future parties and I agree with 7yyrt....I much prefer good food, friends and conversation.

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