Ugh..know It All Fil..how To Keep The Peace

Lounge By sweetcravings Updated 9 Jul 2009 , 12:17am by indydebi

sweetcravings Posted 4 Jul 2009 , 1:41am
post #1 of 41

I am soo upset tonight and really am just looking to vent, and see how you all think i should handle this.
A little backstory..
For weeks now my FIL has been taking jabes at me personally and my parenting style. I just shrugged, changed the topic or ignored it to keep the peace. He is the type of person who thinks he knows it all and feels he has the god given right to tell me how to raise my child. My husband is an only child too. They are retired and clearly have too much time on their hands. Anyhow, tonight we went over for dinner and several times he was making comments that either i thought were rude or out of line. At one point he started to poke at my son about the fact that he still sleeps with his favorite stuffed animal (my son is 10yrs.) I could tell my son was feeling uncomfortable and i tried to changed the topic. Then he says to my son," when i was your age i had girls in my bed not stuffed toys" icon_eek.gificon_surprised.gif WTF. I couldn't believe what he was saying so i jokingly said, "oh, come'on, he doesn't need girls in his bed at this age"..well, that comment sent him off into an attack on me. He said that i should let my son go on dates with girls. HUH icon_confused.gificon_eek.gif He's 10yrs old. He doesn't need to be dating at this age. Anyhow, he proceeds to tell me in not so direct words that i was being overprotective, harming him by not letting him 'get experience'..I was livid. How dare he tell me how to parent my son? How dare he speak with me like that especially in front of my child. I was soooo mad. icon_mad.gificon_evil.giftapedshut.gif but i bite my lip and just excused myself. My DH sat there the whole time and said nothing. I was so angry with him to. Yet, i 'm sure he didn't defend me because talking with his dad is a useless battle. He is ALWAYS right and it's not worth the fight. Well, we left very soon after and i am furious. I told my husband that i felt unsupported, that i understand it's HIS father, but i willnot visit with him again. I will not prevent him from doing so, but my relationship with his dad is done. I know this is severe, but honestly tonight was the icing on the cake. He was so disrespectful. Where does he get off telling me how to raise my child? He actually compared me to a family that everyone in the family makes fun of. Her son lived with her until he was 35yrs old. That alone was a slap in the face. It was immensly personal.
Now, how do i keep the peace between DH and I? I told him he can visit if he wants, i understand he loves them, i don't expect him to take sides. I just don't want to be around him. I know this puts him in the middle, but really i just cant' see myself visiting and playing fake happy while i secretly hate the man. What would you do?

40 replies
peg818 Posted 4 Jul 2009 , 2:40am
post #2 of 41

I would have laughed at the old fart and said yeah way back then, people got married at 13 too.

If you don't take him too seriously, your son shouldn't be too upset by it all. cause he will realize that mom and dad just think grandpa is just a senile old coot

mrspriss0912 Posted 4 Jul 2009 , 4:15am
post #3 of 41

Not really sure what you should do in this situatuion .... I think hubby should have said something in regards to the situation!!! No way should a 10 year old boy be going on dates mabey hanging with his friends playing guitar hero or something like that but dates no way!!!!Talk to your son thought and make sure that he is ok the last thing you want is for him to start doubting himself just because grandpa is a goober!!!
I have a outspoken brother in law who makes lude remarks toward my 14 yr old daughter the last offience was at a family dinner when he was telling her how big her bobbies were the ice daggers that flew out of my eyes were enough to shut him up temporarly but guess what ..... hubby didnt say a word So next time I am going to have a whitty yet nasty remark for him.... and buggar off to whoever it offends that is my child and I wont stand for anyone talking to her that way Lord knows his sorry red neck ass would have pulled a gun on anyone who talked like that to his daughter icon_mad.gificon_mad.gificon_mad.gif
You stick to your guns though and try to talk to hubby and help him see things from your and your sons point of view mabey he needs to hear from your son how uncomfortable the situation was !!!!

Good luck

Texas_Rose Posted 4 Jul 2009 , 4:59am
post #4 of 41

My FIL is an ass too. I don't why some men are such jerks. With my FIL, he was upset that I had my tubes tied before we had a son. I had complicated pregnancies and both of my kids were delivered early by c-section, one of them was hooked up to machines the first couple weeks of her little life. So my doctor recommended that I not risk trying to have any more children. Anyhow, when my FIL heard that there would be no boy babies from me, he started trying to get my husband to divorce me so he could marry a woman who could give him sons.

The irony of the situation is that my husband hates his dad because his parents were divorced and every time his dad had him for the weekend, he'd dump him off at some relative's house and not pick him up until it was time to take him to school on Monday. I had forced my husband to try to form a better relationship with his father because I thought it would be good for him. So he told me how his dad was pressuring him to divorce me and I asked my FIL about it and he said, "You've got to understand, it's nothing personal, my boy just has an obligation to carry on the family name."

So that was it....I never pressured my husband to call his dad or invite him over again...and he hasn't.

Of course your situation is different. I hope your husband will be supportive of you. I don't think it's a great idea to say you'll never go over there again, because undoubtedly your son will want to see his grandpa, and who knows what he might say when you're not there.

Mensch Posted 4 Jul 2009 , 5:34am
post #5 of 41

What is it with these a-holes? Family name? WTF? Can't a woman 'carry on the family name'?

I get so mad. I hate bullies.

mombabytiger Posted 4 Jul 2009 , 8:14am
post #6 of 41

I certainly wouldn't go over there again, but I think you should tell him just why. Bullies need to be confronted at every turn. The reason they continue to be such a-holes is because they get away with it. Tell him that his behavior and his remarks are unacceptable and that you believe him to be a bad influence on your son. Then stick to your guns. Obviously your DH isn't going to be of any help here.

I also have a 10-yo son and I can't even imagine his reaction if you suggested that girls should be in bed with him!!!! And, for what it's worth, he quite often sleeps with a rather large pink caterpillar. Don't know why. Don't care why. If it makes him happy, so what? I seriously doubt he'll be toting it off to college.

Sorry you are having to go through this but remember - every time you let this stress you out or affect your life - he wins.

cakesbycathy Posted 4 Jul 2009 , 2:18pm
post #7 of 41

I agree that you should not go over there with the simple explanation that his comments are inappropriate and make you and your son uncomfortable.

Don't expect him to get it, though. People like that never feel that they are in the wrong.

And for the poster with the BIL and boobie comments, next time he makes a remark like that or something else inappropriate I would very loudly say "That's something a pedophile would say. I think I need to call the cops." Betcha that shuts him quick.

cakesbycathy Posted 4 Jul 2009 , 2:19pm
post #8 of 41

I agree that you should not go over there with the simple explanation that his comments are inappropriate and make you and your son uncomfortable.

Don't expect him to get it, though. People like that never feel that they are in the wrong.

And for the poster with the BIL and boobie comments, next time he makes a remark like that or something else inappropriate I would very loudly say "That's something a pedophile would say. I think I need to call the cops." Betcha that shuts him quick.

indydebi Posted 4 Jul 2009 , 2:36pm
post #9 of 41

It is not your job to "keep the peace". FIL is NOT always right. Hubby is being a wuss for not standing up for his wife AND HIS CHILD!!

As a mom, it is my job to protect my child and I WILL NOT permit my child to go around people like that! icon_mad.gif Don't EVEN give me that bullsh*t about "well it's his grandparent!" Grandparent was the one who drew first blood ... not me! Grandparent was the one who cut the relationship cord, not me.

I will NEVER understand the logic that parents or grandparents get to do whatever they want and for some reason "the child" is suppose to just take it.

Well, guess what, people! I am not "the child"! I am a grown adult who is responsible for taking care of my child and by god that's what I'm going to do!

If your husband doesn't understand that, then HE'S the one with the problem, not you. It's time for him to be a man on behalf of his family!

If you don't like the way I raise my child, then I won't subject you to see how I raise my child.

You stay on yoru side of the state and I"ll stay on mine!

(Yeah .... I DO get a little passionate on this topic! icon_mad.gif )

P.S. Hubby adds his two cents worth and says if a grandfather was talking like that around HIS child, then hubby would be afraid to even leave his/our child with that grandparent. Says hubby, "I think grandpa is a little sick in the head!" and agrees that your husband needs to "...stand up and be a man!"

indydebi Posted 4 Jul 2009 , 2:41pm
post #10 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by Mensch

What is it with these a-holes? Family name? WTF? Can't a woman 'carry on the family name'?

I get so mad. I hate bullies.




My children are as much a "Smith" as my brother's children. Both sets of children have a parent who was a "Smith". One set just happens to have "Smith" on their birth certificate because THEIR parent is a man. It doesn't take anything away from MY children. And don't EVEN imply to me that it does! icon_mad.gif

Deb_ Posted 4 Jul 2009 , 2:41pm
post #11 of 41

I would do exactly what you're doing..........I would NOT go to their house again.

When and if they come to your house I would take FIL aside and tell him exactly how I felt about the inappropriate comments that he made in front of your Son. I would also let him know that those type of comments are not acceptable in your home and if he made any, he would be asked to leave.

Husbands more times then not will clam up when it comes to their parents, but it doesn't mean you need to do the same. I'm not suggesting a full blown confrontation with him, but he needs to be put in his place.

I think your husband should have said something about the "girls in my bed at that age" comment and I would let him know that he needs to be a father first not a son first. KWIM? The relationship with You and your Son should be his first priority.

Remember you didn't marry your MIL and FIL you married your husband. Sure we all want to get along, but sometimes it's not possible and this man is making it impossible. It's him not you.

I'm curious........what did your MIL say during this exchange?

By the way, my daughter will be 21 this November and she still sleeps with a white stuffed dog that she got on her 3rd Christmas..........and she brings it to college with her too. I wonder what your FIL would think about that. icon_rolleyes.gif

I wish you luck..........when I hear stories like these I thank God that my in-laws live 6 hrs away in Pennsylvania. Can you tell there's no love lost between us, even after 26 yrs. icon_wink.gif

indydebi Posted 4 Jul 2009 , 2:53pm
post #12 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by dkelly

By the way, my daughter will be 21 this November and she still sleeps with a white stuffed dog that she got on her 3rd Christmas..........and she brings it to college with her too. I wonder what your FIL would think about that. icon_rolleyes.gif



I'm betting he has no problem with that ... after all, she's "just a GIRL!". icon_twisted.gif

Deb_ Posted 4 Jul 2009 , 2:56pm
post #13 of 41

You're right Debi........I despise men like this..........hopefully they're a dying breed. icon_mad.gif

Hey Happy 4th everyone..........stay safe! usaribbon.gif

sweetcravings Posted 4 Jul 2009 , 3:51pm
post #14 of 41

Thank you all for listening and sharing your experiences and advise. I have calmed down a great deal since last night and i did have a loooong talk with my husband last night. He understands how his inaction made me feel isolated, and he was deeply apologetic. I understand to a degree why he didn't say any thing because he knows his dad and no matter what you say to him it's a loosing battle. He will never change the fact that he is a know it all. That being said i still think he should've done something, anything. He also agreed that everything i said was right and his dad was out of line. He has a very strained relationship with his dad. He visits out of respect but it's not like he is sharing his life with him. He often withholds stuff from him because of this very thing. His mother has learned over the years to just grin and bear it, which drives me crazy. He can be so disrespectful to her and she just takes it. During the whole thing last night, my husband said him and his mom were looking at one another just rolling their eyes, shaking their heads..they know dad all to well. At one point his mom actually tried to shut up his father by saying,"enough, stop"..but he continued on until he said what he had to say. I agree that my husband needs to say something to them, he's just not sure what to say. Last time he told them how he felt, they were crying for a week and made him feel horrible. I for one can't just sit around and take his dads shit. My husband knows i will not visit, and our son will not be alone with them. I figure if he can be so disrespectful to me in front of my son then lord knows what he would say when i wasn't there, dh agrees. Yet, he feels put in the middle. He wants so desperately for us to be peaceful with one another. It might be different if there were more people at the house so that i could avoid him alll together, but being an only child it's just them and us when we viist. Pretty hard avoiding someone in that sort of situation. I told my husband be thankful there is no celebrations coming up, in which they will invite us. Maybe time will ease my distaste for his dad, and increase my tolerance. BUT>>for now i can't even stand to look at him.
I just think my husband should just tell him his comments were inappropriate and were out of line. That we are grown adults and will raise our son as we see fit and we would appreciate he keep his opinions to his self. I know his dad though, and no matter what you say he will not change. I've been dealing with his ways for far to long to realize that he could care less about how we feel. My husband knows this too, his mom knows this...the difference between me and them...they put up with the sh*t and i'm not willing to any longer. I've tried for my husband to put our differences aside, but he has taken this to a whole new level, its personal now. He has to realize i'm not HIS child, and he has no right to speak to me like that. I wouldn't even want my father to have spoken to me like that.

mommybaby tiger...i agree, who cares if he sleeps with the stuffed dog. Clearly he gets comfort from it and who am i to take it away. There are worse things in life than that. It's funny, my mom told me last night the same thing about not letting him upset me because he wins...great minds think alike '0)

Thanks everyone for your support, i needed that. ;0)

dldbrou Posted 4 Jul 2009 , 4:47pm
post #15 of 41

I can well understand where your anger is coming from. Just reading it brought back memories of fights that I had with my FIL and my own father. They were both very hard-headed-know-it-all.

My father went to the extreme in tryiing to be the parent instead of the grandparent. He always said his word was law and I would tell him that if he thought I was going to go by his law then he could say goodbye to his grandson because he would not have to deal with us ever again. He would of course pout and blame me, but in the end he would have to apologize before I would go back. And my mother was the same way, no confrontations ever.

My FIL was just a mean, selfish person. He would raise racing pigeons and when he was training them for races he did not want my son to play outside. We live next door to him. Well, he had a pigeon meeting at his house and I went to it to confront him in front of his company and let them know of his demands. Boy, did that group let him have it.

If your husband won't go and talk to him about his actions, then maybe you should write down what he said to your son that was wrong and why you will not allow him to have the chance to repeat the offense. If he wants to visit with your child again then he needs to apologize to both you and your son. And make sure that you make him understand that insisting on your son dating is one of the reasons that we have so many kids raising kids today. Is he ready to become a great grandfather?

I too have only one child and I was always very protective of him. It's okay. My son went through school without any incidents and was never involved in drugs, babies and kept a 4.0 average. He also went through college and graduate school with no problems. I feel it is because we did care enough to watch out for him and help him when he needed. He is now married and expecting his first child.

Ask your FIL if he starts sleeping with girls instead of stuffed toys, what does he think will happen to your son? (Charged for rape, sexual diseases, babies) The child should never be encouraged to be active at that age.

Deb_ Posted 4 Jul 2009 , 4:48pm
post #16 of 41

Your FIL sounds like an "Archie Bunker" type of man. My FIL is the same way.

My husband tells of how when they were growing up his mom asked him to vacuum his room one time and when his father saw him with the vacuum he started calling him "Jane". "Oh Jane, is keeping HER room nice and clean for Mommy now".

Some men are complete homophobes and it sounds like your FIL is one of them.

Sadly my MIL has put up with my FIL for almost 50 yrs. He's the KING of their household.

He better pray he dies first because if he ever has to depend on me to take care of him, I'll shove his throne right up his a$$ real fast. icon_razz.gif

I agree with you about what your husband needs to tell his father.

"Dad, I don't appreciate the things you said to my wife the other evening, they were rude and hurtful." He doesn't need to threaten him or anything like that, just put him in his place and move on.

I feel for you and I know exactly how you feel.

sweetcravings Posted 4 Jul 2009 , 5:28pm
post #17 of 41

dldbrou..i've talked with my son about it and told him why i thought what his grandfather was saying was so upsetting to me. My son said, "i was just ignoring him when he was talking'. So even my son has learned to sit there, be quiet and listen when it comes to my FIL. I told him that sometimes grandpas are very wrong, and don't ever think they know it all because sometimes they are very wrong. He totally gets it.

You know i went there with good intent..i will not get into discussions with my FIL, i will just try and ignore the comments, but when he said that my son should have girls in his bed not stuffed animals, i could stay silent no longer. I was completely shocked he would say such a thing. Its funny though, further on in the 'conversation' he was going on and on and i said once again, "there is no need for him to have girls in his bed at this age", he started to backpedal. He said, "i didn't say that! I said, "No, i was listening and that's exactly what you said.' Clearly i had caught him in his inappropriateness and he was trying to change the whole thing back on me. He then goes on to say, "well, i don't mean sleep with them. He should be allowed to go on dates with a girl. You can't just expect him to know what to do when he is 17yrs old. Don't you think they talk about girls? You are out of your mind if you think he doesn't think about girls" etc...
I told him, i clearly remember that age, and don't deny that he is looking and talking about girls, but again, he is too young to be going on one on one dates with girls at this age. I believe he more important things to focus on at this age.
His dad was being so out of line..i mean one minute we are talking stuffed animals and all of a sudden he is lecturing me on girls, sex etc... I couldn't believe he had done it in front of my son to boot. Maybe i should've just walked away at that moment but i just couldn't let him get away with it. The course of the discussion took such a sharp turn, that's why i believe he had been wanting to say these things for some time and figured he could say it now. I mean he had it allll figured out! Even at one point early in the discussion he says to me, "if i dropped you in the middle of europe could you survive?. You don't know the language, you don't know your way around..." I said innocently, "umm welll, i guess i would have to"...he wasn't happy with that answer and asked me again. I said, "well, i guess i would have to!" I was clueless what he was getting at until he started with the lecture about how my son needs to 'get experience' with girls so that he will be able to find girlfriends etc... OMG..was he kidding me. I told hi, that i didn't date till i was 17yrs old and look i turned out fine. He just rolled his eyes like i was crazy. He was sending such a bad message to my son, and i couldn't let that slide no matter how much i wanted to keep the peace. UGH... Honestly i could go on and on forever about the discussion, overall it was the most disrespectful, ridiculous thing i've had to deal with.

dldbrou Posted 4 Jul 2009 , 5:41pm
post #18 of 41

I think that the next confrontation that you have with him, just tell him that no matter what he thinks, no matter how wrong he is, he had his turn to raise a child and now it is your turn and your rules stick. He can have his outdated opinions, but not in front of your child. He has a choice, your way or no way.

sweetcravings Posted 4 Jul 2009 , 5:45pm
post #19 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by dkelly



He better pray he dies first because if he ever has to depend on me to take care of him, I'll shove his throne right up his a$$ real fast. icon_razz.gif




thumbs_up.gif I said almost those exact words last night. Honestly, i don 't think i could live or care for him if he needed me too. My husband being an only child makes that scenario very possible. He shouldn't burn his bridges with me if he wants me to care for him as he ages.

He is a very old fashioned european man. He was extremely stern with my husband growing up. Treated him like a soilder at times. My husband resents alot of the way his dad treated him. He never fully earned his respect, just made my husband fear him. My husband was put in his place constantly and knew as a child to never challenge a thing he said. So i guess this is why he never says anything to his parents. For those who know him on the outside, they think his is the greatest person, friendly, easy going. For those of us who know him personally, we know he is very controlling, opinionated and difficult. Unfortunately it's getting worse with age. Sad really.

I mean he's lectured me about raising my son, making sure everything is 50/50 with each side of the family, the fact that i don't drink much alcohol (he actually makes fun of me because i won't drink alcohol with dinner etc.. He actually said last night, "if you love your son you would take a drink of wine. See, i'm going on and on again..sorry 'bout that. I'll stop now.

indydebi Posted 4 Jul 2009 , 5:45pm
post #20 of 41

My mother is one of those who goes off on tangents, threatens and tells lies, and everyone just ignores her and lets her ramble under the theory of "it's easier not to argue with her". The problem is that when a person like that is permitted to go on and on, it just reaffirms, in their mind, that they're right.

Before we stopped going around my parents (16 years ago), I WOULD tell her she was wrong. Wouldn't argue, wouldnt' try to convince her (because you're NEVER going to convince them!), just flat out tell her, "oh that's not true" or "Sorry, I just don't believe you." That's it.

I never believed I was changing her mind or convincing her she was wrong ... but it was very clear that I wasn't buying any of her bullsh*t. She might believe she can manipulate and control others (and bottom line, that's what grampa is doing!), but I wasn't in her little cult of people who were "afraid" to confront her.

My psychological health is SO much better since I cut that toxicity out of my life.

Their loss ... not mine.

sweetcravings Posted 5 Jul 2009 , 5:19pm
post #21 of 41

Well, my husband spoke with his mom on the phone and told him how he felt in a calm manner. Of course, now she is crying on the phone, bringing up every thing that she/he dislikes about me, it seems like since we've been married. icon_rolleyes.gificon_mad.gif They bring up something silly like...when suzanne makes comments about how expensive beer is and how she doesn't like you drinking so much, dad feels uncomfortable, so he needs to say something...WTF..pls. My husband said, well until it bothers me, he needent say a word about it. Anyway, lets just say it's pretty heated over here. THey want him to go for a visit this afternnon to talk. I'm sure they will tag team him and give him an earful. I honestly want to run away from home. His parents are putting a huge wrench in our relationship. I know he is not his parents but for some reason i'm angry with DH too. Although he is trying to stand up for himself, he's not the quickest with words and i feel he is being steam rolled by them. I really am trying hard not to let this ruin my day, but it has. Dh is going to go over there this afternoon, taking time away from our family time. I'm sure he'll come home miserable. This is just a horrible start to his vacation time. !@*#@! inlaws.

indydebi Posted 5 Jul 2009 , 5:35pm
post #22 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetcravings

THey want him to go for a visit this afternnon to talk. I'm sure they will tag team him and give him an earful.


I agree. I mean, they will have time to collaborate and come up with a game plan on what they're going to say and your hubby is walking in blind.

If it were me ..... I wouldn't go over there right now, simply because it IS a little heated and emotional. It would be better to let everyone kinda absorb it and calm down. And I dont' like to walk into trap doors that are disguised as open doors.

Kudos to your hubby .... based on what you're so generously sharing, it sounds like he's really working it with you! thumbs_up.gif

mrspriss0912 Posted 5 Jul 2009 , 6:03pm
post #23 of 41

Dang your FIL is a real peace of work but you and DH are handeling it well from what you have said I know from experience how you feel sound like FIL suffers from powdered butt syndrome He poedered DH's butt as a baby so there is nothing he can say tha will make him think different!!!
My dad suffers from that too!!!! He hates my DH as dose my Step monster. They went so far as to call DHS on us because we woulndt bow down and kiss their butts!!!! Can you imagine my daughters first day of school and a DHS worker shows up and starts questions about her home life. UGH!! that was horrible everything was found to be untrue after the invistigation but OMG that was the worst experience!! Needless to say I havent spoken to either of them in 3 years ! I didnt even speak to him when my Granny passed away this last year!! The whole family understands and they just deal with the two of them as best they can out of respect for my grandfather but everybody hates being around them.
My daughter cant even standthe sight of them now and as far as DH is concerened she wants nothing to do with them they embaarrased her in front of her freinds and not to mention made the faculty wonder about our parenting skills .
I truly hope things work out for you guys and that they can be some sort of agreement as to what is acceptable behavior and what isnt

sweetcravings Posted 5 Jul 2009 , 6:25pm
post #24 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi

Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetcravings

THey want him to go for a visit this afternnon to talk. I'm sure they will tag team him and give him an earful.

I agree. I mean, they will have time to collaborate and come up with a game plan on what they're going to say and your hubby is walking in blind.

If it were me ..... I wouldn't go over there right now, simply because it IS a little heated and emotional. It would be better to let everyone kinda absorb it and calm down. And I dont' like to walk into trap doors that are disguised as open doors.

Kudos to your hubby .... based on what you're so generously sharing, it sounds like he's really working it with you! thumbs_up.gif




Oh i'm sure they are sitting around crying, complaining and coming up with all their 'points' they are going to say when my husband gets there. I told my husband, you are nuts to go over there. They are going to give you an earful, and judging by how they are acting they will be very petty and immature about the whole thing. He said he is still undceided if he will go there.
The tension between us is palpable. I feel sick to my stomach.

-K8memphis Posted 5 Jul 2009 , 7:20pm
post #25 of 41

I didn't read all the responses--I just wanna give you one of my favorite tools to use in times like this.

"It's not ok to talk to me like that."


Repeat as often as necessary. Stand your ground I mean at some point you will have to be around him again and he has been given the upper hand all the way around so you're gonna need to shut him the eff up.

So that's what I want you to have to use. Unless you want to carry a big heavy skillet to whack him with.

So how old was hubby when Gramps traded in his teddi bear???

No but I just read a few extra posts here and I'm glad your husband is dealing with this. So so so so way way way difficult--not to mention uncalled for and unessasary (on Fil's part)--God bless y'all.

Deb_ Posted 5 Jul 2009 , 8:06pm
post #26 of 41

I feel for you both.


Why do some parents put this kind of pressure on their Sons or Daughters?

My in-laws are just like yours Suzanne except as I said earlier they live 6 hrs away. Thank God for that.

I guess what we DILs can take away from our own experiences with our in-laws, is to not interfere in our children's lives when they get married.....and also to not make them choose between their spouse and us.

Don't these people get that ultimately they are driving their Son away from them?

Good luck to you both and try not to let this come between the two of you...........that's exactly what the in-laws want.

sweetcravings Posted 5 Jul 2009 , 9:10pm
post #27 of 41

Dh just left to go over there. I think he's nuts, but he said he was going to go cut the grass and leave...ya right! i told him, they will not let you just go. THis should be interesting. He went to cut the grass because that's one of the things his mom threw out there when they first talked this morning. She says, When Suzanne's mom needs help cutting the grass etc..you do it all the time and when we need you, you don't do it. ugh..Let's get this straight, my dad just died just over a year ago of cancer, mom was diagnosed only a few weeks after dad that she too has cancer...please, the comparision is not even fair. I cut her grass when time allows, and she doesn't pressure me to do it on her time schedule. Plus my husband has been over to cut the grass for his parents, in fact we have made a point to ask them to call us if they need help. His dad just recently had arm surgery. Well, his dad did call him a few days back to come weed wack the grass but when my husband went on friday to do it he had already done it. I guess it wasn't quick enough for him..so they blame my DH for not jumping when they say jump. It's so immature .

K8, you are so right about not letting him talk to me like that. If and when i ever go over there again, i'll be sure to let him know when he is out of line. BUT really, i doubt he will ever talk to me again. His nose is probably so out of joint that he will put up an even bigger wall.

dkelly..i wish in times like these we did live far far away. Unfortunately they live five minutes away.

The tension has been so high today. DH and i aren't talking much. I feel bad that my husband is so upset. I feel upset it had to come to this...just a horrible day overall Thankfully i have you all to talk me through it. thanks again for all your support.

sweetcravings Posted 5 Jul 2009 , 11:35pm
post #28 of 41

Well, he returned..quiet...says they talked. They basically just talked around the issues and said that things don't always come out the right way. More or less sounding like i was being overly sensitive. I asked Dh did you tell them to stay out of our parenting? His response, "i can't tell them to stay out of our business, thats a strong thing to say." I'm mad at him because he basically didn't get the point across that their interference is a big problem. He says, " they know how much i'm hurting because of this." So, what does that do for me? They could care less about my feelings? I'm so over this. I told him if his dad/parents can't realize that they have no rights to put their noses into our parenting then there is going to be no relationship between us period. I apologized for making him feel like he is in the middle but i can't have a relationship with his parents if they don't respect my boundaries. This is just the same ol' story i've heard before...but we didn't mean too...and...she miss understood... whatever! My husband has once again let his parents off the hook, and that's fine for him but for me it's a done deal..no relationship with inlaws.

indydebi Posted 5 Jul 2009 , 11:47pm
post #29 of 41
Quote:
Originally Posted by sweetcravings

"i can't tell them to stay out of our business, thats a strong thing to say."



Oh that is so wrong. icon_sad.gif He's fallen back into little boy mode instead of adult-parent mode. With this statement, he's saying "I can't handle my own business without mommy and daddy telling me how to do everything." He's saying, "Mom, Dad, it's perfectly ok for you to tell me how to run my life."

2 steps forward .... 3 steps back.

It's not an easy thing for your DH to go thru. Trust me, it's not a step that someone can just TELL him to do ... he has to freely step over that line that divides little boys from grown men; the line that moves us from dominated child to independent adult. It's a hard path and it takes time. It really does.

Hold your ground, girl. You're a mom first. thumbs_up.gif

sweetcravings Posted 5 Jul 2009 , 11:59pm
post #30 of 41

Oh indydebi icon_cry.gif It is soooooooo wrong. I'm hurt, angry, you name it with DH. I don't know that he will ever change either. He has always been dominated by them.
We were considering going out of town spir of the moment tommorrow but unfortunately we have a dog and it's not that easy. we have no one to let him out. I refuse to ask the inlaws to come and everyone in my family are either working or have other commitments. We just finished arguing yet again. DH, thinks i'm being unfair by not letting his parents come over and let the dog out. I don't want them in the house period. So i guess we are divided again. The way my dh talks he certainly does sound like he has taken sides. I just want to scream and say screw it all!

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