How Do You Get Over Someone You Can't Have?

Lounge By duchess1120 Updated 2 Jul 2009 , 2:23pm by cmp24

duchess1120 Posted 22 Jun 2009 , 5:58pm
post #1 of 9

One of my best friends confided that she is in love with her guy friend but he has a girlfriend. She doesn't know how to get passed this because he is everything she's looking for in a mate. She's not into doing a whole lot of dating either.


8 replies
costumeczar Posted 22 Jun 2009 , 7:50pm
post #2 of 9

She either 1.waits until he's not with his girfriend any more, 2.tells him how she feels and takes the chance of being rejected, or 3.doesn't say anything. Or a combination of 1 and 2. Maybe she's also not really in love with him, but is telling herself that so that she doesn't need to make an effort with other guys. If she doesn't really WANT to do any dating for fear of being rejected or whatever, it's easy to tell yourself "I'm in love with him but I can't have him, so I just can't try with anyone else." It gives you permission to not go out and try to meet other people.

Rylan Posted 22 Jun 2009 , 9:04pm
post #3 of 9

I am inlove with brad pitt and I know I can't get him.

All she has to do is try to move on. If it's meant to be then it's meant to be.

manahigh Posted 22 Jun 2009 , 9:23pm
post #4 of 9

I think you got it right, costumeczar. If someone who is not free is "everything she's looking for in a mate" then she probably wouldn't want him anymore if he was free to date her. She's looking for an excuse not to develop a real relationship with someone.
Its easier than taking a risk with someone and getting your heart broken for real. This way she can be a victim without actually putting herself on the line. The best thing you can do as her friend is help her get out more to meet new people and develop new friendships.

TexasSugar Posted 22 Jun 2009 , 9:36pm
post #5 of 9

What are the things he has that she wants? Are these just characters that she finally found all in one guy? If so, it doesn't mean she can't find the same things in another guy.

Does she often 'fall' for the wrong kind of guys or guys that are not available? I'm also curious how old she is?

I'd personally tell her not to tell him how she feels while he is with someone else. More than likely it will ruin their friendship. It isn't fair to him or the girl he is with, for him to get this information now. And he could feel like she is trying to break him and his gf up and could resent her for that.

The best thing for her to do would be to get out and live her life. If he comes up single and she decides she still loves him she can always tell him. But she really shouldn't sit around waiting for something that may never happen. That isn't being fair to herself.

There are all kinds of loves, and just because you love someone doesn't mean you are meant to be with them.

duchess1120 Posted 25 Jun 2009 , 3:55pm
post #6 of 9

Thanks for the input.

She is 37. Has a tendency to meet guys who see that she wants a relationship more than just a date and play on that for their own agenda.

The man she's in love with has been a friend for over 20 years. He's supportive, thoughtful, generous, honest, smart, a good listener, funny, caring, and protective.

She doesn't date alot because she's tired of the guys trying to sleep with her. But she does group outings.

I think she doesn't need to tell him her feelings either cause it may confuse things with him. Cause I know he cares for her but don't know if its' romantic or not. Also told her to focus on something else and let the "right one" find her.

TexasSugar Posted 25 Jun 2009 , 4:51pm
post #7 of 9

He sounds like a great guy, which is probably why she things she loves him. I totally understand. I have a guy friend that I know dating isn't an option with, but he treats me differently than 90% of the guys in my past, which is a great thing.

I can also total completely understand guys that just want to sleep with you. Been there, done that. After a while it does get annoying and you want to give up, but there are still good guys out there, you just have to weed out the bad ones. Most of the guys that want sex are gonna skip getting to know you and just want to talk about and get to sex, that is a cue to me when they are looking for more or not.

Since they have known each other for 20 years and nothing has happened, chances are he only sees her as a friend. So I do hope she keeps her feelings to herself, atleast until/if he becomes single again.

I wish her luck, I totally understand how sucky dating can be!!

KitchenKat Posted 28 Jun 2009 , 3:42am
post #8 of 9

We always want what we can't have. To get over him she has to want to get over him and be proactive in doing things that will help such as making an effort to get back in the dating pool, getting friends to introduce her to other men, etc.

IF that is what she really wants. On the other hand if she currently wants to wallow in melancholy, self-pity and heartbreak, that's okay too. Acknowledging and indulging our emotions is healthy too. As a friend you can be there through this tough time as a supportive, empathetic listener. Going through the heartbreak cliche or crying jags, sad music and lots of ice cream can help her process her feelings and maybe lead her to think of what she really wants to do next...go for the gold (confront hi with ehr feelings) or go find another guy.

cmp24 Posted 2 Jul 2009 , 2:23pm
post #9 of 9

If her feelings are true for the man, it's harder to move on than anyone else would think. I've been in love with a guy for 3 years. I've dated other men since then, but have always compared them to the way one of my EX treated me. Which was great! I honestly think if he had stayed here instead of moving back to Colorado we would still be together. I still talk to him to this day, and consider h im one of my best friends. There are still nights I lay in bed thinking about him, and wishing he was here.

Even though I was recently engaged to a man, my heart honestly was not in it. I knew the man i was engaged to was not my EX, and i knew it was not fair to him to get married to someone who I was "settling" for.

So even after years of trying to get over this man, he's still in my heart, and my life. People come in your life for a reason......I keep mine there. Even the my EX finance is till in my life, and i still talk to him on a regular basis also.

Basically....if you truly love's not easy to move on...just follow your heart....let it guide you.....and don't look back with regrets.

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