Any Other Step-Mom's Out There?

Lounge By nikki72905 Updated 24 Jul 2009 , 2:04pm by rgj123

nikki72905 Posted 21 Jun 2009 , 2:31am
post #1 of 16

Hi,
I could realy use the experience and encouragment from some other step-mom's.. My step-son and I used to get a long wonderfully! We used to be really good buds. But his mom, now has voiced that she hates me (because my SS says he loves me to his mom and wants to live with his father and I) Now, My ss is giving me problems, and anything I do or say I feel like it is not right. We are having lots of problems with his mom, she doesn't let us see him when we are supposed to, if I pick him up or take him home, he (ss) and my I get the dirty looks. I just don't know what to do anymore - My step-son (ss) is always saying that there is never anything to do at our house (he said his mom is telling him that a lot when he is home that he will not do anything when he is down here) He is having tantrums etc. but only when it is just me at home, not when his father is here with me (this is a big deal, because his father is a truck driver and during the summer months we are "supposed" to have him every other week) I just don't know if I can have him down here, and his father not be home, and have to deal with is he going to explode and have a temper tantrum or is he going to be good that day. I work also and I just am at a loss here, I don't know what to do. I don't want to say anything to my husband because he has said that if he continues (ss) that he will just come down on my husbands days off ....

If you have any advice I would greatly GREATLY appriciate it!

15 replies
playingwithsugar Posted 21 Jun 2009 , 11:58am
post #2 of 16

You didn't mention how old he is. Age and boys do not always mix.

Your husband is right, if he continues to behave that way, then he should only be allowed there on his days off, but it is something that your husband will have to inform the mother and child of. It would be best if you are not there when he does. Either way, you know the ex is going to tell the child that it's your fault, but at least, if you're not there, it will be less believable.

I would also consult with an attorney about any custody/visitation violations she is liable of, and the comments she has been making to the child about when he is there.

Theresa icon_smile.gif

nikki72905 Posted 21 Jun 2009 , 8:07pm
post #3 of 16

We have mentioned several times to previous lawyers and have also gone to the police about not being able to get him when it is stated in the custody order that we should have him. All we are told is we need a lawyer, we can not afford a lawyer as for the last two years we have spent in court trying to get custody of my step-son.

My SS is 12, has just had his second stay at a children's psych. ward (has been taken off of Prozac and put on Welbutrine (? not sure of spelling) The poor kid is so much like his mother, both of which thinking the whole world revolves around them, and not taking no for an answer, etc. When my ss was taken to the psych. ward, my husband was not notified and we were both actually put on a (can not see list) however it did not work because the first sentance of the court order states that they have shared legal custody.

I am so tired of his ex - that is a whole other story..

However as far as Dss goes, I love him dearly, I just don't know what to do anymore, And I feel aweful that I can't control him, I feel like it is all my fault, and that I am doing something wrong. I keep wondering if I am being to hard on him. I understand that the child needs supervision/attention and I give it to him, however he demands my attention like a two year old would. For example, today after church, the first words out of his mouth were, so what are we doing today, I said nothing... he got upset and "started" throwing a tantrum. He does not know how to entertain himself at all. Where we live, there are not a lot of kids, however there is lots for him to do, we live on a farm he has lots of places to ride his bike etc.

Maybe it is all my fault and I am just not thinking correctly. I was a kid living on this far years ago (it is a family farm and I have lived here since I was about 12 and my grandparents lived here since I was born) I found lots to do, I was bored when it rained and what not, but when it was nice, I found things to do.... I just dont get it.

Thanks for the encouragment...

Carson Posted 23 Jun 2009 , 3:28am
post #4 of 16

I have a 10 year old DSD...I have been in her life since she was 1 year old...she doesn't remember life without me. I really did think it would get easier, it has in some ways but not in all. Unfortunately she is still her mother's daughter and I don't (almost always) agree with how her mother chooses to raise her, she is making her a person that I would not like to be around.

My DSD also says there is nothing to do here (in the same city)...she also likes us to cater to her every whim and not let her sister "bother" her - (basically they act like little sisters).

So I guess its not advice or encouragment...but its just to let you know that you are not alone and what your going through is normal. I still hold out hope that when she is an adult she will look back at the influence I had in her life as a stable positive one, someone that loved her enough to enforce rules and not completely spoil her.

nikki72905 Posted 23 Jun 2009 , 11:49am
post #5 of 16

Thank you so much! I needed that!

ncdessertdiva Posted 23 Jun 2009 , 11:08pm
post #6 of 16

There is a light at the end of the tunnel . . . they grow up and appreciate all that you've done for them. The kicker is you have to wait for them to grow up!! I am the step mom to five kids. When I came into the boys life, they were 9, 11 & 12 years old. Middle school, the toughest time in their lives. We got custody of the boys from their mom and she disappeared from their lives. I butted heads with each one of the boys - we gave them structure, love and discipline. None of which was appreciated until they become adults (teenagers) and realized what we've done for them. My daughter is a single mom with two great boys and she has just been accepted into graduate school. All of my boys are in service (3 in the Air Force and one in the Army). I like to think that I've been a positive influence in their lives. My DH tells me that I am as do the Mother's Day cards I have received over the last few years.

Hang in there. Check with your local Dept. of Social Services about Legal Aid for an attorney for you and your DH. There is help available!! I know how heart-breaking it can be when a mother plays the child against the father, that what my husband's ex did with the boys. The boys refuse to have any contact with her at all. While they have been in basic training, they instructed their sister not to give her their mailing address. What goes around, comes around.

Take care of yourself during this time as well. Don't let your ss take advantage of you and your feelings for him. I'll say prayers for you.
Leslie

indydebi Posted 23 Jun 2009 , 11:35pm
post #7 of 16

I'm not a step-mom, but my husband is the step-dad to my 2 oldest. Has been for the past 20 years.

Don't cater to him. Continue to treat him as YOUR SON when he's with you. As stated above, he'll understand how well you treated him after he grows up but you have to wait till he grows up.

Now, as a custodial mom, I would take issue with sending the kids to dad's house if dad isn't there. Visitation is a time that the kids spend time with the other parent .... not just spend time at the other parent's house when the other parent isn't there. I would, of course, work with bio-dad and swap out weekends so he can have visitation when dad IS home (but then, I'm a GREAT ex-wife ... no matter what he tells you! icon_biggrin.gif

It's so unfortunate and unfair that his mom is saying that stuff. I made it very clear that NO ONE was permitted to say derogatory stuff about bio-dad in front of our kids. Sometimes it was hard ... but 20 years later, I am SO golden with my kids because of it. Yeah ... they notice those "little" things like that.


My daughter told a friend of her's, who was going to be instant-step-mom and was worried about how to deal with step kids and ex wives 'n such. Daughter told friend, "Don't worry .... if you do everything like my mom did, you'll be just fine!" thumbs_up.gif

nikki72905 Posted 24 Jun 2009 , 1:55am
post #8 of 16

Thank you...
As far as the when bio-dad is not here, the courts were aware of this issue when they made the order, and this is what they came up with... Unfortantly there is no give or take with My step-son's mother...

My husband is home Tuesdays wednesdays and thursdays and trys his hardest to get home on the other days but he can not "promise" to be home. The judge was aware of this ....

indydebi Posted 24 Jun 2009 , 1:57am
post #9 of 16

I've heard similar stories about judges who had no common sense!

cncgirl00 Posted 23 Jul 2009 , 12:11pm
post #10 of 16

I'm a stepmom to an 11 yr. old boy. I've been with his father since he was 2. I love him as I do my bio kids. He's my son from another mother. When hubby had to work on weekends, I still had SS with me--it was a given. By some saying that they don't want their kids with stepmom when Dad isn't there, they are giving these kids the idea that a step-parent isn't as good as the "real thing". I guess I was lucky that his bio mom and I get along. She told SS (in front of me) that I was his mom when he was with me.

Jen80 Posted 23 Jul 2009 , 1:25pm
post #11 of 16

Yes you definately were lucky cncgirl00. That was a responsible and nice thing for her to say and it would have made life as a step-mom so much easier. I have a SS and SD whome I cared for completely for the first two years that my husband and I were together and it was absolute bliss. But after we were happily married with our first (well my first) on the way my DH's ex realised that he was fine without her and could get on with his life and she was jealous of that. So that's when she decided to make our lives hell. She would involve the kids and tell them lies about us and promise them things that would never eventuate. In the end my SS started behaving in much the same way. Until one day it just clicked with him that we are honest and loving parents and she was just using him to create havoc in our lives. It did take a long time because it started when he was 12 also. He is 15 now but to me he is the same darling little boy I used to know.

I've found that you should be as open as possible about your step-kids to your husband. Otherwise you end up taking too much responsability on. Sounds silly but I found that I always felt that I had to be more responsible with my step-kids than my own. I was always worried about what other people thought about my disciplining and such with them. But with my own kids it's easier because it's a case of "because I'm your mother and I said so." Good luck. And don't let this come between you and your husband because......that's what she wants.

thecarouselcloset Posted 23 Jul 2009 , 1:32pm
post #12 of 16

Wow I went through a similar situation with my step son when for a long time, he was alot to handle when he would stay with us to the point that I had to stop getting him unless his father was with us. But now he is finally growing out of it, thank god! He is 11 now growing up a little bit(sometimes too much) and now he is to the point where is wants to come live with us, and i'm actually ok with it.

Mike1394 Posted 23 Jul 2009 , 2:17pm
post #13 of 16

I booted my wife when "our" daughter was 12. I was a single Dad for for a good 7-8 yrs. It was rough, but we survived. The reason I tell you this is, as much as you want to help this isn't your problem. I put my Daughter thru a few GFs LOLOL. Finally I met my current wife. Daughter always knew I loved her more than anything, but I would always BACK my wife, no matter how small the issue was to me.

You need to back out of this with the EX, BUT let the kid know that you love him, and will be there for him. Hubby needs to grow a pair, and set things clear with the EX.

At 12 yrs old he is only looking for security. He is still a lil boy. Next time he is over make his fav cake. He needs to be reassured he is loved. At the beginning that needs to come from hubby.

Mike

Jen80 Posted 23 Jul 2009 , 11:43pm
post #14 of 16
Quote:
Originally Posted by indydebi

Now, as a custodial mom, I would take issue with sending the kids to dad's house if dad isn't there. Visitation is a time that the kids spend time with the other parent .... not just spend time at the other parent's house when the other parent isn't there. I would, of course, work with bio-dad and swap out weekends so he can have visitation when dad IS home (but then, I'm a GREAT ex-wife ... no matter what he tells you! icon_biggrin.gif




I agree with you completely indydebi. I'm one of those paranoid mothers and I don't trust ANYONE with my kids except my husband and my parents.
Yet some mothers just don't care. My S-kids were walked out on when they were todlers. She said they "ruined her life." I hate her more for that than for all the trouble she has put us through.

And good on ya mike for being the responsible one. It is a lot easier when hubby has a pair. So that ex knows where she stands and that your not going to put up with crap.

rgj123 Posted 24 Jul 2009 , 2:02pm
post #15 of 16

My DSS is 13 and has lived with his father and I since he was 6. His mother is full of hate and has no problem using him as a tool to hurt my DH.

Like Indydebi said, treat your stepchild like you treat (or would treat) your biological child. I think the key is to be loving, but very clear about what is and isn't allowed in your home (temper tantrums, being disrespectful, etc). For example, my DSS's biological mom doesn't discipline him and has no control of him. He's a normal, well behaved, loving child in our home and at school, but a raving brat with his mom.

At first, the hard part for me was being tough with him when he tried to treat me like he treats his mom - I wanted him to like me!! For his father it was hard sometimes not to make excuses for his behavior and cut him some slack because he felt guilt about the situation. But we realized that wasn't going to work and started treating him like our other children... NORMAL!

It's not going to change overnight, but your stepson will eventually see past the propaganda his mom is spewing and form his own opinions. Another thing to hope for is that the biological mom gets remarried...or something happens so she is too busy to worry about making things hard for you and your hubby.

Good Luck....I feel your pain.

rgj123 Posted 24 Jul 2009 , 2:04pm
post #16 of 16

My DSS is 13 and has lived with his father and I since he was 6. His mother is full of hate and has no problem using him as a tool to hurt my DH.

Like Indydebi said, treat your stepchild like you treat (or would treat) your biological child. I think the key is to be loving, but very clear about what is and isn't allowed in your home (temper tantrums, being disrespectful, etc). For example, my DSS's biological mom doesn't discipline him and has no control of him. He's a normal, well behaved, loving child in our home and at school, but a raving brat with his mom.

At first, the hard part for me was being tough with him when he tried to treat me like he treats his mom - I wanted him to like me!! For his father it was hard sometimes not to make excuses for his behavior and cut him some slack because he felt guilt about the situation. But we realized that wasn't going to work and started treating him like our other children... NORMAL!

It's not going to change overnight, but your stepson will eventually see past the propaganda his mom is spewing and form his own opinions. Another thing to hope for is that the biological mom gets remarried...or something happens so she is too busy to worry about making things hard for you and your hubby.

Good Luck....I feel your pain.

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