Vent:dh Ex Wife/twilight Cake Due

Decorating By alvarezmom Updated 8 Jun 2009 , 4:02pm by Lita829

alvarezmom Posted 5 Jun 2009 , 2:41pm
post #1 of 38

I just have to vent/scream/yell---all of the above.

I married my DH knowing that he had children and a crazy ex. For the past 5 years two of the three kids have lived with us. It has been nothing but problems! She yells, tries to fight me, calls me like she's crazy (because she is). She doesnt pay cs. She is ordered to pay $75 a month! Yes I said that right a month! She has had 4 more kids-1 of which she has signed her rights away to. I have told her not to call me. I have sen her certified letters telling her not to call me.

After all of that still nothing. I was once close to getting a RO on her, but I felt bad for my step kids and I didnt go through with it. I didnt want them thinking that I'm the bad one for having her thrown in jail. I should have!

Today she called me. She blocked her #. She was yelling at me, and threatening me. I swear. I dont know why I even try talking to her. I know my step son wants her to be apart of his life so I try with her...when will I ever learn? She told me she was coming to my home and wk. She said "your days were numbered", "I know where you live", "Meet me some where so I can kick your a**", "You better not be disciplining my kids"

I have NEVER once hit my step kids. I lecture, and talk to them. I ground, and take things away i.e. cell phones, t.v.'s, haning out with friends. That's it.

You would think she would try and see some good from me since I am raising her kids and providing for them financially, emotionally, and in school. She doesnt.

She said she has "witnesses" to back her stories up.......MY MOTHER N LAW, FATHER N LAW, AND SISTER N LAW!!!! We do not talk to any of these ppl!!!!

On top of that I have to go home after wk and work on a Twilight cake that is due tomorrow! I hate beeing so mad and hurt and..ugh! I cant even write. I just want to cry right now. I have a Police Officer on his way out to take a statement from me.

I want to run away and take my two girls and just move. This causes so many problems for me and my DH. I dont know how much more of this I can take. I dont know how much stronger I can be before I just snap and leave.

37 replies
yellobutterfly Posted 5 Jun 2009 , 2:44pm
post #2 of 38

gosh sweetie I wish I had some words of wisdom for you - I am at a loss. my thoughts and prayers are with you.

tiggy2 Posted 5 Jun 2009 , 2:54pm
post #3 of 38

I think your DH needs to take control of the situation. If a RO is in order then by all means get one. IF DH isn't backing you up then you have a whole different set of problems. What does he do about the whole situation?

OfficerMorgan Posted 5 Jun 2009 , 2:56pm
post #4 of 38

I want to run away and take my two girls and just move. This causes so many problems for me and my DH. I dont know how much more of this I can take. I dont know how much stronger I can be before I just snap and leave.


icon_confused.gif

What about the stepkids? You are always interested in helping them, but now you just want to abandon them?

Yes, the woman sounds over the top. But in all honesty, do you treat her children well? Does she have a reason to be angry with you for how you treat them?

You married a man with kids. And I'm sorry, but you have to watch out for them, not just your girls.

SarahN Posted 5 Jun 2009 , 3:10pm
post #5 of 38

Okay, I'm no expert but the woman THREATENED you with physical harm. . . get a RO, pronto! And try to get some proof of what she's been saying.
I understand that you're worried about the stepkids, but how would they feel if their mother hurt the woman who has been taking care of them and loving them? Sounds like it'd be better for them if she got some help.

And Officer Morgan - some people do threaten and intimidate for no reason other then they are MENTAL. . . it doesn't have to mean that alvarezmom is treating her stepkids badly.

Just MHO!
Sarah
PS - also, she wouldn't be abandoning her stepkids - they have their father, hello!

alvarezmom Posted 5 Jun 2009 , 3:11pm
post #6 of 38

DH hasnt spoken to ex in 7 yrs. Doesnt want anything to do with her. He gets made when I answer the phone for her. Ex has no visitation rights, her parental rights. They havent been taken away competely--just suspended at the moment. She was supposed to ask the courts for visitations but she never did.

DH is upset about today's phone call and is pissed at what she was saying.

DH backs me up, but he gets mad when I try with her. I do because I feel so bad for my step kids.

SarahN Posted 5 Jun 2009 , 3:21pm
post #7 of 38

Your husbands ex is not your responsibility. He shouldn't get mad at you for trying to work with her, but maybe you should cut off ties with her and let him deal with her if/when needed. He married her, he had kids with her, he needs to step up.
I'm in Austin too, btw, so if you need to talk, PM me. =)

Stephi1 Posted 5 Jun 2009 , 3:25pm
post #8 of 38

I know where your are coming from. My first husband had a CRAZY ex! I raised her kids because she was a drug addict and was completely unable. She gave me nothing but problems ( tried to run over me etc). Well I was very young and finally gave up. After the divorce he remarried again. I ran into the ex and she had the nerve to say. I wish you were still married to him, you were such a good stepmother and so easy to deal with!! Can you believe that!!!!

Anyway - ((HUGS))! Just continue to live your life and just ignore her to the best of your ability! She just wants to get a reaction from you.

GayeG Posted 5 Jun 2009 , 3:26pm
post #9 of 38

I personally would do as Sarah said and try to record what she is saying to you - then play that for the judge/Officer or WHOEVER you need to to get her to stop - whats shes doing will have an adverse effect on the kids if it continues anyways - so it NEEDS to stop!

Coz they're are DEF! ppl out there who are vindictive enuff to do stuff like this - they have no social morals at all - if she did - you wouldnt have the kidz in the first place!!

I think officer morgans tag line speaks for itself ..

just my $.02

Good Luck hon!

alvarezmom Posted 5 Jun 2009 , 3:35pm
post #10 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by OfficerMorgan

I want to run away and take my two girls and just move. This causes so many problems for me and my DH. I dont know how much more of this I can take. I dont know how much stronger I can be before I just snap and leave.


icon_confused.gif

What about the stepkids? You are always interested in helping them, but now you just want to abandon them?

Yes, the woman sounds over the top. But in all honesty, do you treat her children well? Does she have a reason to be angry with you for how you treat them?

You married a man with kids. And I'm sorry, but you have to watch out for them, not just your girls.




I have ALWAYS treated my stepchildren good. I am always there when it comes to them. They are my kids--they are my step kids. I know I have no rights to them-I know that. But I provide for them in every way a BIO mom would. I know I am a better mother to them then the EX is. I do disipline them by grounding them and and taking things away from them. The EX has always been a problem. My Dh was paying her over $650 a month in CS. She never wked and the oldest is considered disabled so she receives $600 a month in SSI. When my husband got custody of them she accused us of wanting the SSI. Which was not true. My husband and I make to much money to even get any kind of assistance.

Along with my husband I am the main provider. My wk and school can back me up. I would never hurt them doing something directly towards them....I have no rights to them and if I could I would take them with me if it came down to it.

alvarezmom Posted 5 Jun 2009 , 3:40pm
post #11 of 38

The Police just left and I have a Police report #. They said to try and get a RO. This sucks. I know there is only so much that they can do, but I seriously have to wait until she physically hurts me in order for them to arrest her.

Thanks SarahN. I'll PM you in a sec.

Stephi1-I told her she should take a step back and try to not hate me for one minute and be thankful for what I have done for the kids. Because not many ppl would.

AuntieE Posted 5 Jun 2009 , 3:53pm
post #12 of 38

Get the RO. Make sure you stipulate she can not make contact with you in ANY way. If she does, call the cops and have her arrested. I was in a similar situation and amazingly enough, once the RO was granted I never heard another peep out of the OP. I was never threatened with violence nor did I fear it, but the harrassing phone calls to my job site I would not tolerate. The OP did not even show up to court, but I made sure I followed through.

loriana Posted 5 Jun 2009 , 3:58pm
post #13 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by alvarezmom

Quote:
Originally Posted by OfficerMorgan

I want to run away and take my two girls and just move. This causes so many problems for me and my DH. I dont know how much more of this I can take. I dont know how much stronger I can be before I just snap and leave.


icon_confused.gif

What about the stepkids? You are always interested in helping them, but now you just want to abandon them?

Yes, the woman sounds over the top. But in all honesty, do you treat her children well? Does she have a reason to be angry with you for how you treat them?

You married a man with kids. And I'm sorry, but you have to watch out for them, not just your girls.



I have ALWAYS treated my stepchildren good. I am always there when it comes to them. They are my kids--they are my step kids. I know I have no rights to them-I know that. But I provide for them in every way a BIO mom would. I know I am a better mother to them then the EX is. I do disipline them by grounding them and and taking things away from them. The EX has always been a problem. My Dh was paying her over $650 a month in CS. She never wked and the oldest is considered disabled so she receives $600 a month in SSI. When my husband got custody of them she accused us of wanting the SSI. Which was not true. My husband and I make to much money to even get any kind of assistance.

Along with my husband I am the main provider. My wk and school can back me up. I would never hurt them doing something directly towards them....I have no rights to them and if I could I would take them with me if it came down to it.




Hey Alvarezmom,

This sounds really unhealthy for these kids to be growing up like this. I think it's very commendable for you to have kept trying with her since you understand how important motherhood is and this crazy Ex obviously has some feelings still if she is telling you "not to discipline her kids".

I think you ought to do a few things: Cut ties completely with her, speak to the kids about it and then working on keeping your family sane and healthy and just being a tight-knit family. So:

-Safety
-Boundries
-Unity & moving on, etc...

Safety:
First thing you need to do is get that RO. Document anything she says as much Word for word if possible. Find out if recording is allowed in your state and keep nasty voicemails. Get a notepad and keep it all in one place like a journal with the date and time of each threat if you need to. Keep her away. Just make the decision for the good of your family to do it; if your husband is already inline with this, then you have 50% of the battle won.

Boundries:
After the RO, Sit down with your whole household and have a meeting. (If they have cell phones I am assuming they are old enough for a talking-to). Explain that "Mom" is causing a lot of family problems as they know, by the things she has been saying. Tell them that you would like their cooperation in helping with this RO by not taking her calls, by talking to Dad about their feelings, and to write her a note (if it's allowed) and only talk to her by mail. If the kids agree, set this as a family boundry and stick to it. Thats the beginning of healing. Don't tell the kids too much, they don't need the gory details and they don't need to hear about every little thing you are feeling; you are the parent so you have to protect their emotions. The family meeting should be more about setting the boundry and having everyone agree to it.

Unity and Moving forward: Set up family day or dinner or what-have-you on a more normal basis and stick to it. Talk to them about their feelings and if they are doing ok without their bio-mom. Be friendly but be the parent still. Try to heal together

Most importantly, I would:
-completely ignore her pleas for attention. If she calls? Let it go to voicemail. If she blocks her number and calls, grab the notepad and write down the time/date/words of her conversation then stay calm and tell her she is violating the RO. Always keep calm. She is trying to ruffle your feathers (its obvious to me).

Anyway, just move forward as a family and get everyone's cooperation on this RO. Once you guys decide "NO MORE!" you can do it together and stop giving this Ex the negative attention she is looking for.

Maybe one day after a while of her not getting your attention, she will turn her life around and be a good mom. If that happens.. IF and WHEN... then you can think about letting her into your kids' lives with supervision and in small amounts. Right now she is out of control.

Hope this helps, just my advice. Lisa (Loriana)

MnSnow Posted 5 Jun 2009 , 4:14pm
post #14 of 38

Not to be harsh but in reality no one can make you feel or do anything you don't allow them to.

Why are you allowing her to push your buttons? By doing so your letting her win. There is no real reason to have any contact with her in any way shape or form. Yes, you may be raising her kids but if she has no visitation, I'd see about getting supervised visitation and let them deal with her. Then it's all documented for court, which could be a huge plus for you.

All the drama and stress isn't good for any of you and as long as you give her the power, she's going to use it.

JMHO...been there. I eliminated it by refusing to have to deal with it. No more power given to her and it took all the wind out of her sails.

alvarezmom Posted 5 Jun 2009 , 4:16pm
post #15 of 38

I tried in Feb. to get a Protection Order but was denied---she didnt show up to that court hearing. I WILL try to get the RO.

I have 27 pages of documentation i.e. phone calls, numbers, names, things that were said. I'll just take everything I have. I'll have to get every Police Report that I have on file and take everything with me.

Loriana-You gave great advise. Thank you. I already spoke to the oldest 15 (16 in Sept). She doesnt want anything to do with EX but I tell her not to hate her because it's a heavy weight and its something that doesnt go away when your ready to forgive.

The thing is before Feb. 09 she hasnt been apart of the kids lives. She doesnt write them or senf cards for bdays or holidays. I have told the kids to write her since we didnt have a number for her. I wasnt even sure where she lived so I told them we would send the letters to their grandmother (Ex's mom). They dont want to. I feel like I would be forcing them, but I dont want them thinking that they cant have contact with her. I do agree that she needs supervised visits for the time being.

EX even told me (this AM) that she took a drug test and passed with flying colors. I told her that was great and encouraged her to keep it up so she could see the kids.

alvarezmom Posted 5 Jun 2009 , 4:23pm
post #16 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by MnSnow

Not to be harsh but in reality no one can make you feel or do anything you don't allow them to.

Why are you allowing her to push your buttons? By doing so your letting her win. There is no real reason to have any contact with her in any way shape or form. Yes, you may be raising her kids but if she has no visitation, I'd see about getting supervised visitation and let them deal with her. Then it's all documented for court, which could be a huge plus for you.

All the drama and stress isn't good for any of you and as long as you give her the power, she's going to use it.

JMHO...been there. I eliminated it by refusing to have to deal with it. No more power given to her and it took all the wind out of her sails.




You are right. I guess I do it because I lost my mother at a young age and I dont want them feeling the way I felt and feel now. I dont want them to hate her as kids because it would be more harmful as adults. I know every one is diffrent and they may not--I dunno. I just dont want to take the chance, you know? My oldest already talks ugly about her and does hate her. I dont want that for her. She used to feel like she wasnt good enough-and I cant deal with that! She's a great kid. She is better than that and she shouldnt have to feel like that.

I know having her in their lives is not in their best interest. But I do not want them feeling like she doesnt want them even know I and DH knows that's the truth.

tiggy2 Posted 5 Jun 2009 , 4:30pm
post #17 of 38

If you know it's her calling why do you even answer the phone? You're causing the problem yourself by allowing her to walk all over you. Ignore the nut case completely. If you don't talk to her or respond in any way and get a RO she will know that you are done playing with her. As long as she knows she can push your buttons and get away with it she will continue to do so.

Rosie2 Posted 5 Jun 2009 , 4:32pm
post #18 of 38

Yikes, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through...neither your girls or her kids need to witness that....ahhh, it's so sad icon_sad.gif

My ex had a son when I married him and I adopted him so, he was my first baby (he was 3 then)...fortunatelly (yeah fortunatelly!) his bio mother cut all the ties and completely gave up on him. The reason I said fortunatelly is because she was also a drug addict and I heard rumors of prostitution...yeah, very sad!

Unfortunatelly I divorced 10 yrs later and my ex asked his son if he wanted to go live with him and he responded----I want to stay with MY Mom!!---I love him as much as I love my own kids icon_smile.gif

Hang in there Alvarezmom, there is a God and people always get what they deserve. I will keep you in my prayers.

Lita829 Posted 5 Jun 2009 , 4:34pm
post #19 of 38

I'm not married and don't have any children but I have dated a man with children so I do know how coo coo exes can be. I think that Loriana's suggestion sounds like a good one. I also whole heartedly agree with Tiggy2 and SarahN. Your hubby needs to step up. HE created those children with her and HE shouldn't sit back and let her threaten and verbally attack you. I am not saying that he should get physical with her but he should at least talk to her. I'd definately get the RO...just to have it on file incase something does go down (hopefully it doesn't).

Its really unfortunate, because I am sure that the children are torn between their loyalty to their birth mother and you...the woman who is caring for them. It's usually them who suffer the most in situations like this.

I wish you luck and I hope your household finds peace.

alvarezmom Posted 5 Jun 2009 , 4:37pm
post #20 of 38

I know that. I ask myself the same thing. Why? Because I dont know why she's calling---an emergency? That's how I think. Maybe she's an adult finally and she can have a conversation.

It's a long stretch but my step kids need to know we did everything to try and provide them with a healthy relationship with their Bio Mom.

alvarezmom Posted 5 Jun 2009 , 4:42pm
post #21 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by Rosie2

Yikes, I'm so sorry to hear what you're going through...neither your girls or her kids need to witness that....ahhh, it's so sad icon_sad.gif

My ex had a son when I married him and I adopted him so, he was my first baby (he was 3 then)...fortunatelly (yeah fortunatelly!) his bio mother cut all the ties and completely gave up on him. The reason I said fortunatelly is because she was also a drug addict and I heard rumors of prostitution...yeah, very sad!

Unfortunatelly I divorced 10 yrs later and my ex asked his son if he wanted to go live with him and he responded----I want to stay with MY Mom!!---I love him as much as I love my own kids icon_smile.gif

Hang in there Alvarezmom, there is a God and people always get what they deserve. I will keep you in my prayers.




My step daughter has told me the same thing. She doesnt want to live with her or see her and she wants to stay with me no matter what. I would never dream of asking her to choose. I tell her that I am her mom in allot of ways but I wont and cant take her bio mom's place ever.

EX stated once that she wanted to sign her rights away and then in front of a judge recanted her story.

tiggy2 Posted 5 Jun 2009 , 4:48pm
post #22 of 38

If it's an emergency she can send the cops to your door. Quit answering the phone or quite complaining. My daughter does the same thing with her ex's new wife. The woman is a nut job yet my daughter continues to try and reason with her. I quit feeling sorry for her a long time ago. She knows who's calling but she can't wait to answer the phone.

Rhonda19 Posted 5 Jun 2009 , 4:51pm
post #23 of 38

I am a previously divorced woman and have been married to my now hubby for 22 years, and have a son my first marriage.

I do know how you feel. You feel that since this woman is the mother of your husband's children that you should try and be a friend to this person.

I think its detrimental to her children to be around her. They are " VERY LUCKY " to have you ....someone who loves them and supports them. Just because you didn't give birth to them, doesn't mean that you are not their mother.

I would let her alone, get the RO so she knows you mean business...and you, your hubby, and your children live your lives to the fullest.

Good Luck!

AverageMom Posted 5 Jun 2009 , 4:54pm
post #24 of 38

Yup...don't answer the phone, and she won't be able to say these things to you! If you don't want to be a victim....don't!! She'll find someone else to harrass.

DreamCakesOnline Posted 5 Jun 2009 , 5:06pm
post #25 of 38

It sounds to me like your stepkids have made their choice and it's you that is trying to keep her in their lives, not them. Stop. My mother was the same way and it's not healthy for them now or later. You are their mother figure and you need to protect them from what she's doing to you and them. Get the RO in case she totally wigs out and tries to hurt you but stop interacting with her. You need to provide a safe, nurturing, stable environment for all of your kids and this woman is trying to make you fail at it because she can't do it herself. Don't let her. You enable her when you "try" with her. You're not going to fix her. She has to fix herself before she can even begin to do right by her own kids. In the meantime, your whole family is suffering. Your DH is right. Cut off all ties to her until she can get her life together.

Donnagardner Posted 5 Jun 2009 , 5:28pm
post #26 of 38

You need to quit being a door mat here. When she calls and does get throught hang up immediately. If the phonme rings again just let it ring or take it off the hook. It will probably be a pain in the beginning because it will make her mad but she will get the messsage and your/her kids will be better off for it. As Dr Phil would say kids would rather be form a broken home than live in one so you and their dad need to step up and not let her cause havoc on your family. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN!!!! Good luck

__Jamie__ Posted 5 Jun 2009 , 5:38pm
post #27 of 38
Quote:
Originally Posted by Donnagardner

You need to quit being a door mat here. When she calls and does get throught hang up immediately. If the phonme rings again just let it ring or take it off the hook. It will probably be a pain in the beginning because it will make her mad but she will get the messsage and your/her kids will be better off for it. As Dr Phil would say kids would rather be form a broken home than live in one so you and their dad need to step up and not let her cause havoc on your family. PUT YOUR FOOT DOWN!!!! Good luck




Basically. Tell the bit#*, out of earshot of the kids, if she continues to harass you, the cops will be involved. Advise the proper authorites that children left in the care of a freak like this is unhealthy and potentially dangerous.

And have a plan in case you and your bio-daughters need to split. You can't save em' all. Ultimately you are responsible to your kids. It would be nice to save the steps as well...but if it as at the cost to you and yours....ummm, I know what I'd do!

loriana Posted 5 Jun 2009 , 5:44pm
post #28 of 38

Good advice everyone, I agree!

-You can only be treated the way you let people treat you
-Get the RO
-Don't force the kids to contact their mother. Leave the door open (for them!) but don't keep nudging them through it.
-Hold your ground and don't take even one of her calls.... it's her way of getting you worked up
-Work on your family. *your* family. The one with custody rights, love, nuture and support!
-You are obviously in stress... just put her completely out of the picture
-No visitation or phone calls...that's year(s) away until she learns your boundries!!

eggsnbakin Posted 5 Jun 2009 , 5:57pm
post #29 of 38

I don't see what the husband can do here. He can't be with alvarezmom 24/7 to make sure she doesn't pick up the phone. Lots of good advice has been given, so all I have to say is: I don't have to attend every argument I am invited to. Cuz, let me tell you what, I can get going and I can argue with the best of them; but this was one of the best lessons I have learned.

HTH ¢¾

dldbrou Posted 5 Jun 2009 , 6:04pm
post #30 of 38

Okay my suggestion would be that if you need to answer the phone because you seem to believe there might be an emergency, then answer it and as soon as she starts harassing you just say very loud so that she can hear you, I am hanging up so that I do not have to listen to verbal abuse, if you want to speak calmly then stop harassing me. Then, HANG UP THE PHONE IMMEDIATELY. Do not give her any more time to respond. This may tick her off and she will call right back so HANG UP THE PHONE AGAIN RIGHT AWAY. Then if she persist with her phone calls, get an unlisted phone number.

Good Luck

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