Guy Help...

Lounge By Sunflower08 Updated 8 Jun 2009 , 12:59pm by Sunflower08

Sunflower08 Posted 2 Jun 2009 , 3:59pm
post #1 of 63

You guys are great at giving advice so that's why I'm coming to you guys for help..
Situation I've been seeing a guy for about three months now and this morning he left his email open and I know I shouldn't have read it but I did. Big mistake! He told his best friend he's thinking about asking some other lady out. This just floors me because we have been great together and now I think at any moment he's just gonna throw me to the curb and ask this other one out or cheat on me..

I don't know what to do.. Do I bring it up and risk everything or just see what happens and then throw him to the curb..

so lost...

62 replies
brincess_b Posted 2 Jun 2009 , 4:16pm
post #2 of 63

if it was me, no way could things continue as they were. i be freaking out! you have my sympathies!

i would just say, you came across his email (have the explanation that it was open anyway ready for after - your peeking is not the point of the discussion that is happening now! but maybe you do need to think about why you read it... like do you already not trust him? or just too curious?) and you need to have it explained to you. have you had a chat about whether or not you are exclusive? if not, you may well come up against that argument. then his answer and how you feel about him will hopefully give you an answer on what to do.

you could just leave it, but will you be able to trust him, that it was just a joke or something? to be fair, my bf would flip if he read some of my emails to friends about him, so you never know, it might be innocent.

good luck on this one.
xx

cakes22 Posted 2 Jun 2009 , 4:35pm
post #3 of 63

You have to seriously ask yourself if this is someone who you want to spend more time with? Maybe he left his email open in hopes that you would read it and kick him to the curb!?! Either way, what you have to address is the issue of trust. Do you trust him? That's a yes or no question with no grey area. You need to think about how you are going to feel if you don't bring it up. Is this something that you could let go? Are you going to question everything he does when your not there? What if he tells you he is going out with friends? Are you going to question whether it is true or is he going out with someone else?

He is going to have trust issues with you, cause you read his email. You have issues with him cause of the email.

You need to define your relationship with him, email or not. Are you exclusive? Was that discussed at some point? This will be a hard conversation to have, but for your own sanity it needs to be done. You may not like the answer, but at least you will have one.

Good luck and keep us posted.......... thumbs_up.gif

Sunflower08 Posted 2 Jun 2009 , 5:52pm
post #4 of 63

Yes we are exclusive.. I do trust him well did up until this. I always end up with the a--holes.. Thing that gets me is we are supposed to go out of state this weekend and he's meeting some more of my family. If he wasn't interested in me why would he go and meet my family..??

brincess_b Posted 2 Jun 2009 , 5:53pm
post #5 of 63

people can do all sorts of things for strange reasons. at least if you talk to him you have your answers.
xx

Karema Posted 2 Jun 2009 , 7:01pm
post #6 of 63

As far as I'm concerned a woman or a man can date whomever they would like to until they are married. Just words do not constitute a commitment. He is not committed to you nor you to him. In the eyes of the law and God you are both single and there is no commitment. If I were you I would just talk to him and ask him how he would feel about dating other people. Besides dating is just collecting data! I think people get too tied down with titles and should enjoy being single as long as they are and live their life instead of worrying if they are the only one. Just my advice

Texas_Rose Posted 2 Jun 2009 , 7:26pm
post #7 of 63

It's possible that he's just telling his friend that so that he seems like he's still out there getting some wherever he feels like it, or maybe he is considering moving on. He's probably going to regard you reading his email (and if it was something he sent, it probably wasn't just open to that one email, you really poked around) as a bigger violation of trust than him thinking of dating someone else...because guys really think backwards sometimes.

I think if I were dealing with the situation I would ask him if he'd been thinking about dating other people, and just see where things go from there. If he completely denies it, then bring up the email.

At least it's happening early in the relationship...it's better to find out what kind of person a guy is when you're three months into it than a few years down the line, married with kids. I have a friend who found out her husband was cheating (by reading his email, you're not the only one who's ever done that) and she forgave him and took him back and they went to counseling, but he keeps cheating now with lots of different girls and she keeps having to take him back because she took him back once.

I don't think you have to be married to have a real committment...to me marriage is really just words, or a way of making one's union offical with the government. If somebody gives you his word, that should be just as good whether he's married to you yet or not.

Sunflower08 Posted 2 Jun 2009 , 7:29pm
post #8 of 63

What a way to start dating after being divorced and single for two years huh?! Just my luck...

Deb_ Posted 2 Jun 2009 , 7:29pm
post #9 of 63

I know you want advice from guys, but it looks like all us gals are chiming in instead.

I'm an old married girl I've been with my husband for almost 30 yrs, married 26 of those.

Some of the lingo my kids use today has me scratching my head i.e. exclusive, talking to this guy or gal, etc.

For us if we were "dating" someone and we were "steady" that meant we were "exclusive" we didn't have to have a conversation confirming that.

Have you 2 been "dating" each other and nobody else for the past few months? If so, then I'd say that's "exclusive" and a no-brainer.

Sorry I don't agree 100% with Karema about not having to be "exclusive" until you're married. If 2 people are in any type of relationship and have any type of commitment to that relationship then there needs to be some trust between them.

Marriage is not the only form of commitment between 2 people, there's a mutual respect that needs to exist in every intimate relationship.

Without trust the relationship is doomed..........sorry.

You need to ask yourself if this is a big enough breach of that trust. If it were me it would be a deal breaker. I couldn't trust him any longer.

Good luck and I'm sorry this is happening to you! Mom ((((hugs)))) coming your way from me. icon_wink.gif

Sunflower08 Posted 2 Jun 2009 , 7:36pm
post #10 of 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by dkelly

I know you want advice from guys, but it looks like all us gals are chiming in instead.

I'm an old married girl I've been with my husband for almost 30 yrs, married 26 of those.

Some of the lingo my kids use today has me scratching my head i.e. exclusive, talking to this guy or gal, etc.

For us if we were "dating" someone and we were "steady" that meant we were "exclusive" we didn't have to have a conversation confirming that.

Have you 2 been "dating" each other and nobody else for the past few months? If so, then I'd say that's "exclusive" and a no-brainer.

Sorry I don't agree 100% with Karema about not having to be "exclusive" until you're married. If 2 people are in any type of relationship and have any type of commitment to that relationship then there needs to be some trust between them.

Marriage is not the only form of commitment between 2 people, there's a mutual respect that needs to exist in every intimate relationship.

Without trust the relationship is doomed..........sorry.

You need to ask yourself if this is a big enough breach of that trust. If it were me it would be a deal breaker. I couldn't trust him any longer.

Good luck and I'm sorry this is happening to you! Mom ((((hugs)))) coming your way from me. icon_wink.gif




Thank you very much.. I think this is a major deal breaker too. I did trust him up until reading this.. I have total anger towards him now actually. If he didn't want to be with me just say it don't go and cheat.. And his big thing is communication with a relationship, obviously it's not or he would have talked to me..

Karema Posted 2 Jun 2009 , 7:53pm
post #11 of 63

I totally respect that not everyone agrees with me but she is the one asking for advice. I was just saying how I see it. I don't think that I should be put on blast or my advice commented on because that is just how I see it.

I was speaking "technically" and still stand by what I say. She is still a single woman and he is a single man. When you fill out an application it doesn't say Married-single-divorced-dating. I'm just saying that she can talk to him and say hey lets just take a step back and date and see where this leads us. I personally think that three months is a short time to be so committed if he wants to date other people.

The point is, is that you will never know until you see how he feels about dating other people. If he says he wants to do that than you do the same. Each relationship is different. My husband and I got engaged after three months because we both wanted that. If he doesn't want that yet don't take offense to it just date and see what happens. Once he says that he wants it to be just the two of you and that's it then you can say that you gave him the chance to do what he wanted and he chose you. You don't want those doubts in your relationship.

Besides you now have trust issues and sometimes once you have that all else fails. You have to trust him and he has to trust you. You can't follow him around all day and read his emails to make sure you are the only one. I'm just saying life is too short to worry about some guy that you are not even married to and can walk away at any moment. Enjoy your life and if he wants to be there he will no matter what he tells his friends.

Sunflower08 Posted 2 Jun 2009 , 7:55pm
post #12 of 63

Thanks Karema for your opinion.

TexasSugar Posted 2 Jun 2009 , 8:23pm
post #13 of 63

There is a difference in dating people and being in a relationship, in my opinion atleast. To me dating is just that. You can date several people at the same time (though I think it should be know by all parties). Being in a relationship is exclusive.

You said ya'll were exclusive, did ya'll have a talk about this? Did he agree or state this clearly or do you just feel that because ya'll are dating that it is exclusive? Sometimes people do have different definitions of words and relationships.

You need to talk to him about this, either way. Don't just ignore it. Be upfront and honest about what you read and ask him to explain it. If he can't explain the email or won't explain it, then you don't need him. Listen to what he has to say, if you are willing to give him the chance, then decide how you want to deal with it.

If this is just something you don't think it will matter what he says you just want out, then get out. Go with your gut feelings, they are almost always right.

Sunflower08 Posted 3 Jun 2009 , 12:10pm
post #14 of 63

So I asked him last night if he wasn't happy with us would he tell me or would he just stray. He told me that he would tell and he wouldn't be around if that was the case..
So I'm guessing I just read into this too much and need to relax.

Mike1394 Posted 3 Jun 2009 , 12:27pm
post #15 of 63

After all of the "I don't trust him now" talk. Did ya fess up about reading the email?

Mike

Sunflower08 Posted 3 Jun 2009 , 12:31pm
post #16 of 63

No I didn't bring up that I read the email.

cakes22 Posted 3 Jun 2009 , 12:35pm
post #17 of 63

Ya, what Mike said ^^^^^. Cause really you didn't solve the problem of what was written in the email. What do you think he would do if he found out that you read his email?

This is what I tell my kids "If you can do it in front of Dad or I, then maybe you shouldn't be doing it".

just sayin........

Carson Posted 3 Jun 2009 , 6:05pm
post #18 of 63

If you think you really do trust him (its so easy to doubt our deep down feeling) then I say don't make a huge issue out of it. It could be just something he is saying to his buddy, trying so hard to stay cool with the man folk! I know for a fact that my very attentive and loving DH (who wouldn't in a million years cheat on me) would say things to his guy friends that I wouldn't approve of. I highly doubt he would ever tell them he would cheat on me though, and if he even suggested that to anyone he would be in BIG trouble!

I would be upfront about it, just say "I was in your email account that you left open the other day and I saw something to "Joe" that upset me." You will know by his reaction and the look on his face if its just something he is feeling guilty about.

Honesty is the most important thing (although my DH wishes I wouldn't always be soooo honest all the time!)

sadsmile Posted 3 Jun 2009 , 6:41pm
post #19 of 63

I would call him on it and tell him that you saw the e-mail. I wouldn't take him to me your family and I wouldn't trust his-I am happy or I wouldn't be here... Just doesn't sound good.
I'm feeling for you! That is just the pits! You deserve better!
((((HUGGS!!!))))

__Jamie__ Posted 3 Jun 2009 , 6:54pm
post #20 of 63

Yep...."sorry hon, but I read your email, can't change the fact that it happened, I am sorry I did, but we have a bigger picture to deal with.....the contents of that email."

Sunflower08 Posted 3 Jun 2009 , 6:55pm
post #21 of 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by __Jamie__

Yep...."sorry hon, but I read your email, can't change the fact that it happened, I am sorry I did, but we have a bigger picture to deal with.....the contents of that email."




Wonderfully said!

TexasSugar Posted 3 Jun 2009 , 7:55pm
post #22 of 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by Sunflower08

So I asked him last night if he wasn't happy with us would he tell me or would he just stray. He told me that he would tell and he wouldn't be around if that was the case..
So I'm guessing I just read into this too much and need to relax.




You may or may not have read too much into it. It is real easy to see a few lines written to someone else and not know the 'story' behind it.

BUT...

What guy (or girl) is really going to say, "Well sweetie now that you brought it up, if I wasn't happy I'd just go off and cheat on you until you found out about it and broke up with me."

My guess is a guy or girl that would be willing to cheat on a partner is not going to tell the girl he is with that he will do it. That is just shooting yourself in the foot. Plus, if a guy is dating someone but is thinking about asking another girl out I can totally see him keeping the first girl happy, until he will find out how things are going with the other one. No point in getting rid of the first girl if the second one is gonna turn him down.

I'm not saying he is doing this and that is the case, but people do stupid, lousy and mean things all the time.

If you were so sure you couldn't trust him after reading it, I can't see how one conversation, that doesn't even begin to touch the real issue changes that and makes you feel secure again.

After your conversation with him last night, are you just going to forget the email exists and you didn't read it? Can you really do that? Or is that email gonna creep up into your mind next time he doesn't call you when he says he will, or he shows up late from work? If you are gonna pull that information out again and again you might as well throw it out in the open now and found out what is behind it.

It would be much better to find out all the information now and decide what to do with it, then to get deeper in and found out that he really did want to ask someone else out.

Sunflower08 Posted 3 Jun 2009 , 8:01pm
post #23 of 63

Texas Sugar.. Thank you..

And your right I can't just put it out of my mind. it's still there and it's still bothering me. I guess I'm just scared that when I do come out with it that he's gonna be mad at me over reading it to start with.. And it will all turn into my fault..

TexasSugar Posted 3 Jun 2009 , 8:12pm
post #24 of 63

Of course he isn't going to like that you read his email, mainly because you saw something he didn't want you to see. It will be part of the issue. But you need to make sure you keep the conversation on the rest of the issue as well.

If he gets mad and walks because of that, and won't even address what the email said, then you don't need a guy like that anyway.

If you are going to discuss the email with him you need to do it now. Not in a week or two but now.

Deb_ Posted 3 Jun 2009 , 8:14pm
post #25 of 63

That's when you use Jamie's line about yes it was wrong for me to read what was on the screen, but the contents of that e-mail is the bigger issue now.

I agree with you if it were me I wouldn't be able to forget what I read either. I'm so sorry you are struggling with this.

Sunflower08 Posted 3 Jun 2009 , 8:14pm
post #26 of 63

I won't see him until tomorrow night.. I will do it then and let you know what happens..

__Jamie__ Posted 3 Jun 2009 , 8:15pm
post #27 of 63

Sunflower...this may hurt. If you are worried about his reaction to accidentally reading an email, and potentially losing any credibility to your concern, based on the methods you obtained the information you are upset about....this relationship is probably already doomed. icon_sad.gif

I'm thinking of some very Dr. Laura like responses to your above statement, but can't do it as eloquently. I don't necessarily think she's right all the time, but man can she break it down!

myrrhmaid Posted 3 Jun 2009 , 8:18pm
post #28 of 63

Turn the tables on him. Tell him you are thinking of seeing someone else and was wondering if he'd be o.k. with that. This puts you in the power position instead of feeling powerless.

It takes an awfully good man to be better than none! Good luck! Follow your heart!

TexasSugar Posted 3 Jun 2009 , 8:50pm
post #29 of 63
Quote:
Originally Posted by myrrhmaid

Turn the tables on him. Tell him you are thinking of seeing someone else and was wondering if he'd be o.k. with that. This puts you in the power position instead of feeling powerless.




I'd be careful with playing that game with a guy. Cause it is telling him you don't want him. So if everything can be worked through, why would he bother if she is telling him she is thinking about someone else?

I think honesty is the best thing to do in this situation. No games, no trying to one up. Tell him you read the email and that you want to discuss it. He will be upset, and to a point he should be, because you invaded his privacy. (And yes I know, if he didn't have anything to hide he shouldn't worry, but I'd still feel this way myself.) But how he feels about you reading the email should not change how you feel about what you read. You have every right to question what you read and tell him you want to deal with it now.

Mike1394 Posted 3 Jun 2009 , 9:06pm
post #30 of 63

Now from a guy's point of view. If I was totally happy, and ready to take the next step, BUT had some lil nagging things sitting out there. What if he put the email out there to see if you WOULD read it? To see if he could trust you not to go through his things.

Mike

Quote by @%username% on %date%

%body%