Why Is Touch So Important?

Lounge By berryblondeboys Updated 25 Apr 2009 , 12:56am by myheartsdesire

berryblondeboys Posted 20 Apr 2009 , 4:45pm
post #1 of 30

I look at my marriage and while it's not perfect, we are a good match on many levels. BUT... when the touch is missing, I feel dead inside. It's amazing how much more I'm willing to do, how much happier I am, etc, if he holds my hand, brushes my shoulder when he passes or kisses me. Yet he hardly ever does that - he used to, but not for a long time. I still touch him and he doesn't shun it and likes it, but he never thinks to initiate in touch... we won't even go to 'true' intimacy.

I have seriously considered leaving - solely based on not having any physical touch! Am I crazy???

29 replies
cakes22 Posted 20 Apr 2009 , 5:26pm
post #2 of 30

Wow, I really feel for you. Its hard to say or give advice on something like this.
What does your heart tell you? Have you discussed this with him, yet? Does he know this is bothering you and that this is an important issue?

There are a lot of factors that come into play on a decision to leave or not. Right now, 2 of my friends are currently in the process of divorcing their husbands, not for the same reasons as you, but do to 3rd party involvement. I really think you should talk with you hubby and be open about how you as a woman need to feel touch as a form of affection. His lack of touching, may be a symptom of something else, which you may not be prepared for and maybe you may need to look into couples councilling.

He needs to know how you feel, and though you may not be in that frame of mind, when you miss something within your own marriage, it leads to finding it somewhere else. Trust me I know!

Hopefully he will be receptive to talking about your emotions and you can resolve this as a couple.

Sending you ((hugs))!!

ccr03 Posted 20 Apr 2009 , 5:52pm
post #3 of 30

I'm sorry to hear this.

I'm not married or anything, I agree with cakes22. Talk with him and let him know what you are feeling/not feeling. Let him know that the lack of touch is affecting you. Even if you've been married for a long time (you don't mention) he needs to know what's going on.

Communication is key - essential to maintain any strong relationship.

And yes touch is important. I think it's hard to explain, but it's another form of human connection.

I truly hope everything works out. I've seen two marriages fall apart because of lack of communication - and that lack of communication, and that lack of communication has caused them problems in their 'after-divorce' life.

Monkess Posted 20 Apr 2009 , 6:44pm
post #4 of 30

My dear friend is in EXACTLY the same condition-her dh says communication and the lack of it are all part of the intellectulization of a very simple institution such as marriage. There is nothing much left to say after that is there? She is a very emotional, touchy touchy person who loves hugging and kissing but he is the total opposite. I am at a total loss as far as advising her goes, so I understand the feelings you are going through.
They have had a rough marriage though they truly love each other and are very similar in nature but inside I think he might be very different. Try talking or sometimes as I suggested once, write him an email-the written word gives the other person a more concrete visual of your emotions because he can read it in peace without having to constantly rebuttal in a normal dialogue. Good luck!

berryblondeboys Posted 20 Apr 2009 , 7:03pm
post #5 of 30

Thanks everyone. We've been married 15.5 years and hav two kids - 12.5 and nearly 4. It's been a problem for probably 10 years, but got worse (or non-existent) about 7 years ago. He used to say he loved me too, but he stopped because "you don't need to say it all the time, it cheapens it and I "show" you I love you." How does he show me he loves me? He works so I can stay home with the two kids. He shouldn't need to show me in other ways.

When I say I "need" to be told that he loves me and I need to be touched and such, he says that then I'm forcing him and I shouldn't "need" it. That or he denies that he doesn't do it. I'll say it's bee 3 weeks since he's touched me in anyway and he'll say, "No, that's not true. You're making it up."

I know he loves me and it's not intentional, but it's extremely hurtful. I am at home all day with a nearly 4 year old boy who is just about to undergo testing for something on the autism spectrum and after our son comes home, our 12 year in full time gifted education, but REALLLLLLY strong ADHD so he's way disorganized and needs constant prompting and reminders. My husband is gone 11 hours a day and when he's home (after 7 pm) it's family time and then 'maybe' he'll talk to me about Jeopardy (we're both on the fan board and he's a former champion), but then he disappears to do "his thing" from like 9/10 pm until midnight/1am. I go to sleep by myself every night and then wake up at 6:15 to get my son up, make breakfast, get him off, and then wake my husband and get his breakfast and lunch ready and send him off.

Weekends, we've been really busy with our 'church" (ethical Society) so, we've been on "hold" with all our house projects, meaning my house is in a state of chaos as we are switching 90% of our rooms around... I just keep trying to clean around it. I do all the cooking, cleaning, shopping, laundry, after school activities etc. AND I would be willing and OK with doing it all as I am a stay at home, if I had a PARTNER at least in intimacy.

I know he isn't seeing anyone else, that's not an issue. I used to think it was my weight, but it's not that as it didn't change when I was thinner or heavier. The only times it seems to be better (temporarily) is when our house is spotless and since I'm the only one doing it with two kids (and he's a hurricane creator too), when I don't get some affection or feel good about life, then who wants to clean? And then I feel I'm cleaning just for him to kiss me or hold my hand.

It's terribly painful. If I were his paid servant, I think I could handle it, but that's not what I signed up for.

emrldsky Posted 20 Apr 2009 , 8:19pm
post #6 of 30

Pick up a copy of The Five Love Languages, if you both haven't read it already. It describes the five love languages that "fill our love bucket." What it also does, is describe how we tend to use our own love language to show others we love them.

For example, mine is Receiving gifts, whereas my husband's is words of affirmation. Until we read the book, I would buy him things while I was out to show him I was thinking of him (nothing expensive...things like a cup of coffee or something I knew he needed but he didn't ask me to get), and he would tell me what a great wife I was.

Boy did we have it backwards! Now I know that I need to tell him what a wonderful husband/man/provider he is and he knows that he should remember to pick me up a cup of coffee when he's out.

We really do understand each other better, and and it really helped our communication.

To me, your love language is Physical Touch. I don't know what your husband's is, but if you get the book and figure it out, you can both start fulfilling each others' needs.

Someone needs to take that first step, and from my experience, once once of you takes that step to meet the others' need, the other becomes more responsive.

berryblondeboys Posted 20 Apr 2009 , 8:46pm
post #7 of 30

I've read a similar book, called Love Busters. It talks about how how need different things and if we got those things the bucket is filled and for every 'negative' it's taken out - also it talks about the spiral of how it's easy to just build up speed in the downward spiral.

Problem is, my husband HATES all books and feels it's all a bunch of bunk - just things for people to waste their money on. So, if I ever say, "this book says" or "let's read this book". I'll get a tirade and he'll tune me out.

I think what he needs is a tidy, house where he can feel comfortable in every room - no clutter, no laundry, no 'stuff' about. When that's done, he feels better. Problem is that the LAST thing I want to do when I'm feeling blue is to clean and picking up after three people plus myself EVERY DAY with no recognition or thanks gets to me really fast.

I think I need three things - but it's all really ONE - it's being thought - knowing that they care for me - I don't get gifts, praise or touch. I need praise and touch. I could probably live without the gift, but not the other two. He needs me to listen to him go on and on and on about things not only do I not care about, but many times about things I cannot even comprehend AND he wants to talk about these things late at night - well, I'm exhausted by the end of the day and I'm not a night person. I really think we are really stuck.

Monkess Posted 20 Apr 2009 , 9:07pm
post #8 of 30

Yup this sounds alot like my friends situation. Especially the part about the books and they all being junk-he thinks they are okay and they dont need any help. In your case I do sympathise with your feeling of being a house keeper and he does come across selfish talking about things HE wants to talk about...have u tried to steer the conversation to other topics? How about sitting him down or going away for a weekend and talking things over? Is his attitude-that you guys dont have anything to sort out or is he just plain selfish? Hang in there honey!

berryblondeboys Posted 20 Apr 2009 , 9:16pm
post #9 of 30

Thing is, he is a wonderful guy - he really is and I truly love him. It's not like we don't talk, we do. But he's a political and trivia junkie - two things I really don't care about and when he gets going, he doesn't stop and it's REALLY hard to listen and really pay attention. But, I do try.

Now is not really the time to 'pressure' him as we are in the middle of a house flip around we just spent 50 bajillion dollars on a reno and taxes and we need to sell a car and so on. He's already really stressed - work is stressing him too. So, I need to 'confront' when he's not already being ultra stressed, but it's a HUGE problem.

The other day we were sitting at dinner and they were just eating... so finally I ask, "So, is it good?" And I get, "Oh, yes, of course!" So then I said, "YOu know, it really means a lot to me if you all would say it's good or say thanks or something. I take the time to make a nice meal and not crap (I home cook everything) and I don't get a single word of thanks." The answer, "So, basically, you are forcing us to say something." So now... do I really want him to say something or not? Not if that's his attitude. Why can't he just realize, "This makes my wife feel better." Instead of going to, "You are forcing me to do something I don't think is necessary."

Kiddiekakes Posted 20 Apr 2009 , 10:07pm
post #10 of 30

I think you should talk to him ..soon!!! You may find that he is going through some sort of a change of life also....Men hold it all in...women wear it on their sleeve! My hubby is not a hand holder in public or anything and sometimes it makes me feel like a servant following behind him so I refuse too.He also has different interests like Religion and archeology,history etc which I could care less about but I am learning to suck it up and sometimes look angaged about some tv shows etc..I try and ask questions and look interested ..even if I am not and well religion...I don't go there because his whole family gets going at a family function and I just hide out!! I believe and all but they are too much.I do hear what you are saying..You love the man but you need a few more things from him and unless you directly tell him...they don't clue in!! Make a home cooked dinner or go out for a nice dinner just the 2 of you...share you hopes and dreams for now and the future and gently get into the touching issue and how much you feel loved and like it etc..Hopefully he will begin to understand!

margaretb Posted 20 Apr 2009 , 11:52pm
post #11 of 30

My husband is a TV watcher, not a reader. It drives me crazy that if I say I read something somewhere, he discounts it, but if it was on TV, then BOY, that must be gospel truth.

It really bothers me when people do the twisty thing so that you asking for thanks is turned into you FORCING him to say thanks. I would be tempted to say something like, "It really hurts me when you don't say thank you to me. It is your choice whether you say it or not, but when you choose not to, you are choosing to hurt me." How's that for being twisty?

I get you on the chaos and not having anyone help with the clean up but all ptich in on the mess. You might want to look at www.flylady.com (or her book "Sink Reflections" or get the book "From Pigpen to Paradise"). If the mess is just temporary from the renos, they might or might not help you, but if it is an ongoing battle for you, then you will probably at least find them interesting.

Finally, it also crossed my mind when reading your posts that maybe your husband also has a touch of ADD or something and maybe he really can't handle the chaos, which might lead to his actions.

Anyway, best wishes. I know it is a struggle.

navywifetrat Posted 21 Apr 2009 , 12:27am
post #12 of 30

Are we married to the same guy? My DH is the same way. He is not an affectionate person. We have been married 18 1/2 years and like you said, he used to be and then he has pulled away. to have mentioned it over and over that I like it when he does things like come up and hug me, kiss me but it may change for a day or two and then it goes back to the same old thing. I agree that they just don't need that reassurance like we do. I am also a stay at home mom with 3 girls and it is nice to know that they appreciate what we do.

There is no way my husband would consider counseling - he doesn't feel like there is anything wrong with our marriage.

My DH is in the Navy and has left for deployments and he aways says he is going to tell me every day when he gets back that he loves me and he does for the first week or so and then it goes back to the same thing. He is actually leaving for a year the end of next month and I am kind of looking forward to it because I know he will appreciate me the entire time he is gone - I know that sounds absolutely horrible.

It is hard to sit back and watch other people who have that kind of affection with one another. I do not know the answer to give you other than to know that you are not in the boat alone. If you ever need to talk to someone who is also going through the same thing, PM me. I will listen!

luvsfreebies72 Posted 21 Apr 2009 , 7:49am
post #13 of 30

I am in such a similar boat in you it's not even funny. Mine does give me a quick peck everyday, and tells me he loves me every day, w/o me prompting him, but it feels like he does it out of habit more than anything. I know part of the problem is he works probably 50 hours a week, but sheesh. I'm a young, vibrant woman in my prime. (37)

berryblondeboys Posted 21 Apr 2009 , 12:23pm
post #14 of 30

Last night we were talking and he got upset with me when I looked down when I was talking to him because he thought I wasn't listening to him and then we talked a bit - I think that's what he really needs - my undivided attention. Problem is - he can rarely get that. I have two kids - one who will turn 4 tomorrow who is always all over me and then a 7th grader who actually still wants to talk with us too. Add that DH will want to talk with me when the kids are playing or practicing piano and I'm making dinner and I can't drop everything and just listen for an hour about some detailed piece of minutiae. That's what's so hard for me. We can even have the same interests, but he analyzes things down to the finest details and he loses me. Last night he was wanting to talk to me about a wagering strategy or ethics in the game of jeopardy and why what someone else had proposed isn't true. Listening to that is like sitting in on a university statistics class you skipped for 2 weeks and you are lost. First, trying to pay attention enough to follow FINE details is hard, second, I really don't care about it! Then he'll ask my opinions or want me to discuss it with him.. UGH!!! This type of talk is usually at 11 pm and I've been up since 6:15 am and dealing with kids and their schedules and cleaning and cooking and acitivities, getting them to bed, etc... and then minutiae.

I guess I don't listen to him enough because when he feels he never gets to talk with me is when he gets all pissy. So, I just need to suck it up more and pay more attention. Then hopefully he'll be happier with me and will start giving me what "I" need - affection.

In the meantime, while I'm listening and giving my best effort at keeping the place picked up, I'm keeping a log of 'nice' things he says so that I can SHOW him that what I say is true and so that I can be sure I'm seeing it for what it is. Yesterday I cleaned the kitchen, dining and living rooms and he said nothing (it got terrible over the weekend with everyone home). This morning he said, "I see you picked up around here yesterday, did you run across the camera recharger cord?" See, he leaves things out and around and then I have to find them for him! Double UGH!!!!

cakes22 Posted 21 Apr 2009 , 12:47pm
post #15 of 30

I really feel for ya!
It's hard to be a stay-at-home-mom & it sounds like you have a lot on your plate with the kids, reno's and life in general.
MY DH is a car buff. He is auto-technician and he loves cars. Me, not so much. He will come home and tell me about something he fixed or a customer who complained and it's like he is speaking another language.
Charlie Brown teacher "waaa waaa waaa". I try to keep up but more often than not, I just say "wow, that must have been hard" or "Good for you for figuring it out. You da man!" Stroke ego, see happy DH, life is good. icon_razz.gif
I get the house thing too. I run a home daycare and I do cakes on the side, plus I have 2 kids. I think the only thing I can suggest (once the reno is done) is stay on top of things, so it doesn't become overwhelming.
As for the talking thing and your DH thinking your not listening or not making the time to listen to him, perhaps you can set aside 10-15 minutes where he has your undivided attention. Your older child is old enough to understand that you need "adult mom & dad" time. Maybe you could have him "babysit' your younger one while you spend some time with you DH, just for a short period of time. And it sounds like you DH really needs to understand that he an adult too, and sometimes he can't get what he wants when he wants it!! There needs to be some give and take on both parts for communication to work. Sounds like your doing your part, he needs to step up & do his.
Keep your chin up...... thumbs_up.gif

berryblondeboys Posted 21 Apr 2009 , 5:42pm
post #16 of 30

Thanks Cakes22 - add to it that my oldest is in full time gifted education, but has super strong ADHD, so he needs a lot of hand-holding and supervision. My youngest is starting the diagnosis for asperger's/autism and is just a really needy kid and has me worried. We just have had too much on our plates for the last several months and it's eating away at both of us. But at the same time, I feel we ALWAYS have something eating away at us - so little 'down' time.

BUT... starting this week, we are creating an 'at home' date night - that should help. We haven't had a date alone, without kids in about a year.

cakes22 Posted 21 Apr 2009 , 6:14pm
post #17 of 30

Great idea!! Good for you thumbs_up.gif Hopefully even if you can spend a few moments alone, that can make all the difference, even though it may not seem like much.
Wow, I didn't realise both your kids have issues. My heart goes out to you for having THAT on you plate as well. Do you think your DH's issues may stem from his feelings regarding what is going on with your kids? Maybe he is overwhelmed and doesn't know how express how it is effecting him as a father/man? And that makes him distant in his relationship with you?
I really hope you and your hubby get things worked out.

sending you big ((hugs)) and happy thoughts icon_biggrin.gif

TexasSugar Posted 21 Apr 2009 , 8:07pm
post #18 of 30

I'm not married, so take my thoughts how you want to.

You need to talk to hubby, but I think maybe you are trying to go about it in a wrong way. By pushing for little comments here and there, he may be thinking "nothing I say makes her happy, so why say anything"? Or he may not even be picking up on it at all.

You need to let hubby know how you feel, all of it. Maybe instead of sitting down and talking about it in the midst of trying to get dinner on the table and kids ready for bed isn't the best idea. If you give some one a laundry list of everything they are doing wrong they aren't going to take it the right way. They are going to get defensive and it may have the an opposite effect than what you want. That is human nature.

Have you thought about writing him a letter? I often find that letters for me are a great way to get everything I need to say out, with out being interrupted or feeling I have to go into defensive mode. Which is probably what he is doing in return when you bring up the issues. And it gives him time to think about what you said on his own time. Also be sure to talk about the positives rather than just all the negatives.

By saying something like, "I love when we spend time talking to each other but sometimes I wish we could talk about what is on my mind too", it will come across better than saying, "You never listen to me." But you also have to keep in mind, that if every time you do get to pick the subject of conversation and you use it to tell him what he isn't doing right, then he will start to tune that out as well.

The physically and emotional drain or having an ADHD and asperger/autism child can be hard. My nephew, who I helped raised, is ADHD and has Aspergers. I also have a friend with an austic son so I totally understand how these wonderful kids are just not like raising other kids. They often require a lot more energy, sometimes more than we have.

Do you have any time outside the house, with out the kids and hubby that doesn't involve household errands? If not, I really think you need to plan a weekly or bi-weekly lunch date with friend(s). Or maybe a bi-weekly girls night out. Maybe you can find a class or hobby that involves you leaving the house and being around other people.

I think you need to find something that makes you feel good about yourself, with out having to depend on your husband to give you that feeling. Marriage and kids can make you forget that you are a woman as well as a mother and a wife. Women tend to give all their time and energy to their family and by doing that they lose a lot of themselves. Maybe it is time for you to find part of yourself again.

You said he has been like this for 10 years. It is not going to change over night or in a few days or even a week. Dynamics of marriages change over the years. My parents have been married for 35 years and they aren't always affectionate with each other. I don't doubt their love is any less than it was when they married, but after three kids and raising a grandson for 12 years, they aren't the same people they were when they got married.

You and only you can decide if how you feel is enough to end your marriage. But before I'd take it to that extreme I'd consider other options like a counselor. If hubby is against the idea of a counselor, that does not mean that you, yourself can't go to one.

I know you are sad and upset and probably just came here to vent. And while hubby isn't in the 'right' here, I think maybe you are dwelling on the issues as much as he is brushing them off. Keeping score is never good in a relationship. Especially if you are keeping score to shove it in the other persons face.

We all want to be told we are doing good, that dinner is nice, that the house looks good. We want to be acknowledged for all the hard work we do, especially if you 'job' is to take care of the kids and house, which is a 24/7/365 never ending job.

But we also have to consider why we need this so much. Do you really think keeping score of the nice things he says is going to make you feel any better about him saying it or not saying it? Doesn't that just make you more and more annoyed with him?

Is there something else you are unhappy about, with in yourself, or something that has you stressed that you haven't identified yet?

berryblondeboys Posted 21 Apr 2009 , 8:38pm
post #19 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by TexasSugar

I'm not married, so take my thoughts how you want to.

You need to talk to hubby, but I think maybe you are trying to go about it in a wrong way. By pushing for little comments here and there, he may be thinking "nothing I say makes her happy, so why say anything"? Or he may not even be picking up on it at all.




No, that's not what's happening. I'm not pushing for little comments. I'm wanting affection and I don't think he's aware he's not doing it and there is no way he could interpret "nothing I say makes her happy." because I've never reacted in a way that would show that I don't appreciate affection. I want a hug, a cuddle a peck on the cheek - not little comments.

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You need to let hubby know how you feel, all of it. Maybe instead of sitting down and talking about it in the midst of trying to get dinner on the table and kids ready for bed isn't the best idea. If you give some one a laundry list of everything they are doing wrong they aren't going to take it the right way. They are going to get defensive and it may have the an opposite effect than what you want. That is human nature.




I think you misread something - HE wants to talk with me about whatever it is on his mind while I'm busy working with the kids - wanting my full attention when I can't give it. And I have never even implied that I was making a laundry list of 'what's wrong. What I said I was doing was just keeping a journal - as much for me as for him, to see how often he actually DOES say or do affectionate things. That way, after two weeks I can look and realize either a. I am not seeing things correctly or I can accurately say, "X, I've been tracking and in two weeks no word or sign of affection was made". THis is somethng he has actually ENCOURAGED me to do in times past because he says I'm not remembering correctly.

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Have you thought about writing him a letter? I often find that letters for me are a great way to get everything I need to say out, with out being interrupted or feeling I have to go into defensive mode. Which is probably what he is doing in return when you bring up the issues. And it gives him time to think about what you said on his own time. Also be sure to talk about the positives rather than just all the negatives.

By saying something like, "I love when we spend time talking to each other but sometimes I wish we could talk about what is on my mind too", it will come across better than saying, "You never listen to me." But you also have to keep in mind, that if every time you do get to pick the subject of conversation and you use it to tell him what he isn't doing right, then he will start to tune that out as well.




Rest assured, I'm trained in mediation and I don't play the blame game - he does, I don't.

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The physically and emotional drain or having an ADHD and asperger/autism child can be hard. My nephew, who I helped raised, is ADHD and has Aspergers. I also have a friend with an austic son so I totally understand how these wonderful kids are just not like raising other kids. They often require a lot more energy, sometimes more than we have.

Do you have any time outside the house, with out the kids and hubby that doesn't involve household errands? If not, I really think you need to plan a weekly or bi-weekly lunch date with friend(s). Or maybe a bi-weekly girls night out. Maybe you can find a class or hobby that involves you leaving the house and being around other people.

I think you need to find something that makes you feel good about yourself, with out having to depend on your husband to give you that feeling. Marriage and kids can make you forget that you are a woman as well as a mother and a wife. Women tend to give all their time and energy to their family and by doing that they lose a lot of themselves. Maybe it is time for you to find part of yourself again.

You said he has been like this for 10 years. It is not going to change over night or in a few days or even a week. Dynamics of marriages change over the years. My parents have been married for 35 years and they aren't always affectionate with each other. I don't doubt their love is any less than it was when they married, but after three kids and raising a grandson for 12 years, they aren't the same people they were when they got married.




I don't have much of an outlet. I had a child who would not let me out of his sight until a few months ago and then we started this reno in our house and there went freedom. We're working on that though - I need some alone time. Unfortunately, when I've asked my husband for it, begged for it, he somehow manages to make it not happen. He's never taken the kids for the day and I think part of it is because he wants to spend time with me too and if he does stuff just with the kids, that means he's spending even less time and has less opportunity to talk with me...

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You and only you can decide if how you feel is enough to end your marriage. But before I'd take it to that extreme I'd consider other options like a counselor. If hubby is against the idea of a counselor, that does not mean that you, yourself can't go to one.

I know you are sad and upset and probably just came here to vent. And while hubby isn't in the 'right' here, I think maybe you are dwelling on the issues as much as he is brushing them off. Keeping score is never good in a relationship. Especially if you are keeping score to shove it in the other persons face.

We all want to be told we are doing good, that dinner is nice, that the house looks good. We want to be acknowledged for all the hard work we do, especially if you 'job' is to take care of the kids and house, which is a 24/7/365 never ending job.

But we also have to consider why we need this so much. Do you really think keeping score of the nice things he says is going to make you feel any better about him saying it or not saying it? Doesn't that just make you more and more annoyed with him?

Is there something else you are unhappy about, with in yourself, or something that has you stressed that you haven't identified yet?




Call it keeping score, but this many is highly analytical and he always wants 'proof'. As I said above, and I should have mentioned before, he has encouraged me to document things -he's that confident that he DOES the things I say he doesn't. So, I'm simply taking him up on it. Not in a mean way and as I said, while I'm doing my BEST to fill his love meter.. and I hope if I work on that every day, then during those two weeks, I'll see that as he feels better he shows more affection.

Deb_ Posted 22 Apr 2009 , 9:01pm
post #20 of 30

I think you've been given some really good advice here already, but I wanted to share my own experience with you.

I've been married for 26 yrs and have 2 grown college age children who live at school.

About 10 years ago we noticed that our relationship had grown apart, mainly because we were busy with the kids and honestly were both so exhausted at night we fell into bed and went right to sleep.

It's very easy to just *let the intimacy fizzle out* when you're raising children, and neither of us even noticed that our relationship had changed so much.

My DH is like you, he needs the cuddling, hugging, kissing etc., and if I didn't do any of these things he automatically assumed that I was either mad at him or that I didn't love him anymore and wanted out of our marriage.

Obviously, neither of these things were true, it's just how he perceived things.

We decided to go to couples therapy and it wasn't until he said this to the therapist that I even knew he felt this way.

My way of showing love and affection was to keep my home immaculate, cook a great dinner each night and basically treat him and my 2 kids like royalty. None of them did anything around the house to help and honestly I didn't want their help.....I only wanted a "thank you" or "this is delicious" once in a while.

Well, I learned that doing all these things was NOT what he was looking for, he needed the touching and the words of encouragement.

Long story short, the therapist taught us how to fulfill each others needs and to not brush aside the other person's needs or wants as being insignificant......they are significant to that individual.

The only way that you can improve your marriage and relationship is to communicate with each other. I think he's trying to talk to you but he doesn't realize that he also has to LISTEN to you once in a while.

After he tells you about something that's happened in his day, take that opportunity to say "honey, there's something that I really need to get off my chest"...........tell him how you feel.

It sounds like you're heading for a *burnout*, please try to get a sitter for even an hour one afternoon a week and just do something nice for yourself. Go get a manicure or pedicure, or just go to the library or a store and browse around.

You can't just be a Mom and Wife, you have to be a woman too, you deserve it.

Good luck, I hope you can talk it out with him and hopefully he'll see your side of things too.

Deb

ShortcakesSweets Posted 23 Apr 2009 , 7:00am
post #21 of 30

If you haven't seen "Fireproof" with Kirk Cameron, I would highly advise that you watch it together. It's a must-see movie for every married couple!!

berryblondeboys Posted 23 Apr 2009 , 10:18am
post #22 of 30

After just THREE nights of 1. listening to him talk about wagering one night, and 2. playing Scrabble with him two nights.... guess who was in the mood? HE initiated! There's been no intimacy for 6 weeks.

Afterwards, I said, "You know... it would be nice if you would touch me at other times too" - said sweetly and softly. And as I expected he said, "I do!" I just left it at that as I didn't want to spoil anything and maybe, for now, that was enough. We'll see, but his love bank is really him needing me to 'play' with him and listening to him more than I have been.

So, we'll see if this starts to put us back on track or if it was a fluke.

Deb_ Posted 23 Apr 2009 , 11:49am
post #23 of 30

I wish I could find the "happy, dancing around emoticon"!!

I'm really happy for you guys.........Scrabble huh? I envy you that one.......me and dh cannot play that game together. If I beat him he says that I've *memorized* the wood grain on the back of each tile so I know where all the *good* letters are. icon_eek.gif

So to get around that I put the tiles in a bag and started choosing them that way. Nope didn't work...........then he said I *learned* what the grain on each tile *felt* like. icon_rolleyes.gif

He just HATES it when I beat him. icon_lol.gif

I think you're on the right track! icon_biggrin.gif

cakes22 Posted 23 Apr 2009 , 11:58am
post #24 of 30

Yeah!! I'm doing the happy dance for ya!!!

I hope you feel better (in more ways than one icon_wink.gif )



Quote:
Quote:

I'm really happy for you guys.........Scrabble huh? I envy you that one.......me and dh cannot play that game together. If I beat him he says that I've *memorized* the wood grain on the back of each tile so I know where all the *good* letters are.

So to get around that I put the tiles in a bag and started choosing them that way. Nope didn't work...........then he said I *learned* what the grain on each tile *felt* like.

He just HATES it when I beat him.




It's a man thing!!! My DH hates it when I am right about anything icon_razz.gif . I am a major triva buff, he not so much. He can't play Trivial Pursuit with me or any kinda game like that. He could kick my a$$ in Scrabble, but tirvia NO WAY!! He says "You have a wealth of useless information!".
He wasn't complaining when my "useless information" won us a trip to the Domenican Rep.!!!

Deb_ Posted 23 Apr 2009 , 12:01pm
post #25 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by cakes22



It's a man thing!!! My DH hates it when I am right about anything icon_razz.gif . I am a major triva buff, he not so much. He can't play Trivial Pursuit with me or any kinda game like that. He could kick my a$$ in Scrabble, but tirvia NO WAY!! He says "You have a wealth of useless information!".
He wasn't complaining when my "useless information" won us a trip to the Domenican Rep.!!!




You're so right it is a man thing! That's why I LET him win sometimes, just to keep the mood light icon_lol.gif

How cool! You won a trip to DR, that's awesome, have you gone yet? We went to Punta Cana 2 summers ago...........all I can say is "wow, beautiful beaches!"

berryblondeboys Posted 23 Apr 2009 , 12:17pm
post #26 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by cakes22



It's a man thing!!! My DH hates it when I am right about anything icon_razz.gif . I am a major triva buff, he not so much. He can't play Trivial Pursuit with me or any kinda game like that. He could kick my a$$ in Scrabble, but tirvia NO WAY!! He says "You have a wealth of useless information!".
He wasn't complaining when my "useless information" won us a trip to the Domenican Rep.!!!




We can't play trivia games either. DH is a trivia buff. He's a Jeopardy champion and got unlucky his second game, on Jeopardy boards where former champions play each other, he regularly beats 5 day champs and Tournament of Champion people (a lot of them have become our friends). But, we love to play Scrabble and doing Crosswords together. We just haven't done them much because for over 4 years I wasn't sleeping. First, pregnancy was awful for me and then we got a baby/child who didn't sleep! But, he's been sleeping now for about 4 months...so we just need to find 'ourselves' as a couple again.

He left this morning without a peck, but it's baby steps I guess.

cakes22 Posted 23 Apr 2009 , 12:17pm
post #27 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by dkelly



You're so right it is a man thing! That's why I LET him win sometimes, just to keep the mood light icon_lol.gif

How cool! You won a trip to DR, that's awesome, have you gone yet? We went to Punta Cana 2 summers ago...........all I can say is "wow, beautiful beaches!"




I won the trip off the radio, answering questions about Stephen King (major fan). Anyway, we went to Punta Cana. Loved it there! So nice and beaches are amazing. BUT, I didn't know you had to ask for rum when you ordered a daquorie(sp), so for about 4 days, I'm thinking"Man I can really handle my liqour! Woot Woot!!" Go to the bar to get another (not swaggering or falling over), and I over hear another person ordering a drink with RUM!!! OMG!! I wasted 4 days of drinking. Needless to say the swaggering and falling over shortly followed! And I CAN'T handle my liquor!! icon_razz.gificon_cry.gif
We went to Porta Plata the following year and wasn't nearly as nice as Punta Cana. Beaches sucked. Stuff was washing up on shore (needles, prescription pill bottles, condoms) Major yuck!

cakes22 Posted 23 Apr 2009 , 12:22pm
post #28 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by berryblondeboys



We can't play trivia games either. DH is a trivia buff. He's a Jeopardy champion and got unlucky his second game, on Jeopardy boards where former champions play each other, he regularly beats 5 day champs and Tournament of Champion people (a lot of them have become our friends). But, we love to play Scrabble and doing Crosswords together. We just haven't done them much because for over 4 years I wasn't sleeping. First, pregnancy was awful for me and then we got a baby/child who didn't sleep! But, he's been sleeping now for about 4 months...so we just need to find 'ourselves' as a couple again.

He left this morning without a peck, but it's baby steps I guess.




You take what you can get sometimes, right? Babysteps.....sometimes can lead to giant leaps! icon_wink.gif

Happy for you!

Deb_ Posted 23 Apr 2009 , 7:06pm
post #29 of 30
Quote:
Originally Posted by cakes22


BUT, I didn't know you had to ask for rum when you ordered a daquorie(sp), so for about 4 days, I'm thinking"Man I can really handle my liqour! Woot Woot!!" Go to the bar to get another (not swaggering or falling over), and I over hear another person ordering a drink with RUM!!! OMG!! I wasted 4 days of drinking. Needless to say the swaggering and falling over shortly followed! And I CAN'T handle my liquor!! icon_razz.gificon_cry.gif
We went to Porta Plata the following year and wasn't nearly as nice as Punta Cana. Beaches sucked. Stuff was washing up on shore (needles, prescription pill bottles, condoms) Major yuck!




OMG I did the same thing with the alcohol. We were at an all-inclusive Grand Bavaro or something like that and every time I got a frozen margarita, I thought they were just watering them down because the drinks were included. Stupid me realized it when I too overheard someone ordering one *non-virgin* icon_redface.gif

myheartsdesire Posted 25 Apr 2009 , 12:56am
post #30 of 30

Wake him up kissing him in the middle of the night. Can turn out quite awesomeicon_smile.gif

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