I know that I come on here a lot and vent but I feel like I have no one else who listens to me or even cares. I've been crying all day and I just am having a horrible moment. I'm just so tired of getting into it with people and I'm beginning to wonder if it is just me. Maybe I need to leave everyone alone and just crawl under a rock. I got into a huge fight with my mom 2 weeks ago and haven't talked to her since. I am devastated because I think that we are just too different and I can't take the fighting anymore.
My mom has been a great mom and has raised me alone. I did have a brother but he died as an infant. This causes my mom to be overprotective and she worries about everything. But I can't take it anymore if I'm going to be sane. So anyway here is the background info to the argument... she had a cell phone and added my line to hers so I could have a cell phone also. I use to pay the bill but lately haven't had the money. Sometimes she couldn't pay the bill and I would step in a pay it. Well she paid it last month and she asked me to pay it this month. I said ok but I really didn't have the money. I had told her she could disconnect my line because I was broke and had other things to do with my money instead of paying a cell phone bill. Well she insisted on keeping it on.
Anyway I said I would pay but had some other things to do first. She kept asking me about the bill and I told her I would pay that week. Well My hubby and I go to the store and they had opened a new kohls and had a huge sale. We both needed sneakers and hadn't gotten new ones in 5 years. We we jumped at the deal and got 2 pair of New Balance for $60. I call her so excited because we never get anything for ourselves. She says "that's nice, you guys needed some shoes, I need some sneakers too! I don't have a dime to my name and when are you going to pay the phone bill?" I was shocked that she was asking me again. I said to her "Mom I told you I would pay it this week and I will, why do you keep asking me that if the week is not even out?" Well she got mad and told me I'm all defensive and she can't ask me anything. So anyway she kept saying she didn't have any money. I say to her "look on the bright side you will have money tomorrow because you will get paid" She jumps down my throat and tells me that her having money tomorrow doesn't help her today. She kept saying she is tired of not having anything and I just say ok mom I hope you have a better day.
I email her later on and tell her that I was really upset because I was trying to help her feel better and she was just in a bad mood. Well I called her the next day and didn't mention what had happened. She began talking about it and begin telling me all this stuff. She told me that when she has money she tries to send some to me and the family but when we have money we never give her anything. She says that I'm selfish and I'm getting a little better than when I was a little girl. She then tells me that I should a least offer her money because that is what I should do. I was so upset because my husband has been out of work and we don't have anything. We are 6 months behind on rent and 2 months behind on car note. I don't have anything to send her! I don't work and I don't know why she would do this to me. I have two children that I can't hardly care for and she wants me to take care of her? She has more money that me! I tell her this and she tells me that I cant compare her to me because she is on a different level.
My mom has always done this to me. She has made me feel guilty all the time so I do what she wants me to do. I'm tired of it and can't take another emotional break down. She is constantly interfering with my life and telling me what to do and not do to my children. She has told me that my husband is out to get her and is trying to come between mother and daughter. My husband doesn't think about her. When I was going to this church she convinced me it was a cult and she had dreams and I needed to leave. So I left the church and now she is in church telling me how I'm wrong for not going to church. I don't understand her. She acts like she is the victim during any argument and makes it my fault or my husbands and says we are all ganging up on her. She gets irate and starts crying and saying that she will leave and never bother us again. All this does is make me feel guilty so I apologize and then she does it again.
I'm so angry with her right now because she goes out and buys expensive things with her SSI check and then complains how she can't pay her bills and she is broke. Is it my fault that she brought a pair of shoes for $400. I just can't take it anymore. She goes around telling these stories and people feel bad for her. She is always telling me how a friend have her 20 or 40 dollars because they wanted to help her. I don't think she is doing it to be mean but I think she should just be grateful that someone wants to help her. I told her that I cant help her because I can't help myself. She told me I was selfish. So I said why talk to me than? She said because you are my daughter. I was so mad. I told her that she is making me pay for a gym membership that she gifted me and hasn't paid one dime since I got it but I have had to. And she got the cell phone bill lowered and decided she wanted a new blackberry and internet service and texting and pictures. She doesn't even know how to use the thing. Now the phone bill is over $150. And not to mention she added the cost of the phone $250. WTH! Then she had the nerve to renew our contract and now I'm stuck in it with her. I'm giving her $45 a month for the phone and not a dime more. So I got mad and told her enough was enough. I told her a whole lot more and there are a whole lot more problems but I told her to never call my house again and forget she has a daughter and grandchildren.
I feel horrible but I don't want to give in to her. She sends me a message saying that she is sorry to have made me upset but everything she does and says is because she loves me and if I want her to give me the money back for the cell phone she will. Trying to make me feel guilty again! She then says tell her grandchildren that she loves them and tell my husband to keep up the good work of taking care of the family. She then says that she loves me and God bless. I know what she is doing and been down this road before. I don't know how to fix this because I really don't want to deal with her but she is my mom and I do love her. I just think that she doesn't get why I'm upset with her and she is making it my problem and making me the reason. What do I do? I have called her for the children to say hello but I hang up right after they are done.
I'm just tired and feel like I can't take this world anymore. I don't know if I can make it. I've just been praying but I don't know how much more I can take. Thank you all for listening to me and letting me vent when I have a problem. You all are the best.
Take a deep breath and let it out slowly. Your pregnant and things are going to upset you more easily than usually, and your pregnancy has been a difficult one at that. You have a very full plate dealing with your own family issues let alone your Mom's.
Your Mom is an adult and fully responsible for whatever choices she makes..not you. She should not be dumping her issues onto you. There is nothing you can do for her, especially financially.
Word of advice that has worked wonders for my life...the Serenity Prayer. I live my life by it and it has helped tremendously.
*HUGS* take a breath
Exactly what mnsnow said.......you cannot let this upset you it is not good for you or the baby.
You cannot change your Mom's behavior but you don't have to be her *punching bag* either.
I think some woman forget that their children grow up and become woman too. It sounds like your Mom is one of those woman.
In a nice way I would let her know that you want to have a relationship with her, but you can't allow her to control you. You're a Mom yourself and your kids and husband have to be your first priority.
I know it's easy to say don't let this worry you, but please try to let it go. It'll all work out for you guys, as you said she's your Mom and you love her and I know she loves you too.
gosh, I could have written word for word what dkelly said! Great advice!
I had a "toxic" mom and I cut off all ties with her. She (well, actually most of my family) have the attitude of if they are broke and you have $5, then you OWE THEM the $5. Not "owe" as in paying back borrowed money, but you have it ... they dont' so you should give it to them just because they don't have it.
As a mom, I have helped my children financially when I could, such as when they came home from the military and were looking for jobs. Why? Because that's what moms and dads do. Have I ever EXPECTED them to help me financially? NEVER! Not because we've never been in a position that an extra twenty bucks wouldn't have helped, but because it just never, ever crosses our minds that our children 'owe' us anything, money-wise or not.
My parents were also irresponsible in the money-side of things and it was a CONSTANT thorn to us as adult children .... until we decided that we were no longer depriving our children of things so we could "take care" of two adult people who were employed and perfectly capable of taking care of themselves.
The guilt thing works because you let it work and she KNOWS it works. It's easy for us to sit here and say 'ignore that', but darlin' you've got to learn to ignore that. It's manipulation ... I know you know this and I, of all people on here, understand more than you think what it's like to deal with a master manipulator. They are evil and cruel people.
You can love your mom and still choose not to have that havoc in your lives.
It seems like you've been through a lot of stress. That added with wonky hormones due to your pregnancy it seems like you may be going through a bit of depression.
I would really think about talking to your doctor.
Please don't be so hard on yourself.
A mother daughter relationship is so hard. I have had the same fiht with my mom for years. I am the youngest of 4 but I am the only one that lives in the same area. She is very involved with me and my kids but not really with he others unless she is mad at me and complaning to them.
I love my mom and she loves me but we do the whole guilt thing constantly back and forth. I have removed myself from it lately and she has been so nice.
You need to take care of yourself. I tell her all the time it is not a sin to be poor I am doing the best I can.
Oh Karema, first of all *big hug* and a nice little *rub* for baby on the way.
OMG, I cannot imagine what you are going through right now. I am however, an only child with an overprotective, overbearing, guilt-tripping Jewish mother (and if I tell you about Jewish guilt, oy vey!), so I am privvy to some of the treatment you get from your mom from mine. And I know how some day you feel like crap because she made you feel like crap for no other reason than to do that, and then you feel bad, but realize you did nothing wrong. Key point here: YOU HAVE DONE NOTHING WRONG. Honey, if you want or need shoes you are a grown woman and do not need to justify it to your mother. I know that it is so hard sometimes and it is even harder to know that you can't change her. I'm sure many people have probably told you before, just cut yourself off from her, but I know that is not easy either and is not the best option for everyone. You are in such a state right now that you need to take care of yourself and you NEED to be selfish, you also need to look after your children. This is what comes first and what is important.
I wish I had an easy fix for you, but I know that there isn't one. I wish I could reach out and do something to help you, but I know I can't. What I can offer you is this peice of advice: Go out and do something for yourself. It doesn't have to cost any money, but go do something that will make you happy.
*Hugs* from your Northern buddy
oh Karema, my mom does loves the guilt trip thing too, but in the past few years, I have quit letting it get to me as much. And she constantly complains about almost everything. She sold her car and now complains cause she is at home alot. When in realty, she goes more places than I do. I could go on and on, but just wanted to let you know you are not alone.
And yeah, indydebi, DH & I help our daughter & son-in-law cause we remember how hard is was when we were young and had a child. Plus, the daughter and son-in-law are both working.
You need to just let it somehow roll off your back, smile and think, gosh, I am glad I am not like that!
First of all Karema, big big hug for you and baby. I didn't have the manipulative mom, but I sure had the manipulative MIL. (now ex). I think she wrote the manual. I was not raised like that and took me a long time to learn how to deal with her; about the time I thought I had her figured out, she'd change the rules.
The guilt trips and manipulations were of nightmare proportions and she hasn't changed with the years. She also taught her son quite well. Unfortunately, I still have to deal with her on occasion as she lives quite close to me. My daughter even says she is "inherently evil."
You don't need to justify the fact that you need a pair of shoes to your mom. You know when you need them.
Parents help their children, that's the way it is. I've helped mine off and on through the years as most have here in my age group, and when I was raising 3 kids alone, my mom was the one constant thing in my life. If your mom cannot help financially through rough times, she should be supporting you emotionally, not dragging you down.
You are not the problem, and you are no longer a little child. You are a grown woman, married with children, and one on the way. It seems Mom is having a very hard time dealing with the fact that she no longer has total control over someone she still considers to be a little girl. Plus she seems to be using you as an "excuse" for problems that she created herself.
Years ago, my son had an argument with his father over something. I can't remember what it was but I do remember what he told me. he was around 16 at the time.
He said: "Mom, I can't deal with him anymore, I can't go to see him, I can't be around him anymore. He makes me feel like I can't do anything right. I love him because he's my dad but I hate what he is."
You can dearly love a parent and not be able to associate with him/her and still keep your sanity. You are allowed to feel that way.
Oh Karema, I am so sorry! You have alot on you and have been given good advice already, so I just want to give you a big (((HUG)))!
My Mom is the exact same way. I have learned to deal with her in a different way than anyone else.
I no longer call her to mention "deals" we got, or to vent to her about stresses in my life ( money, hubby, kids). When she calls me to vent about her issues I listen for 5 min and then make up an excuse to get off the phone. I do not let her stresses get to me, there for her guilt trips have become less.
My parents both work, and live paycheck to paycheck. And in the past I have gone without to help them due to her guilt trips. Example: She wrecked her car, her fault, and she did not have the $ to pay the ticket & the $500 deductible to get her car fixed. She called complaining and whining to me about how much she did without for us kids growing up & cant we just once help her out. ( Not the first time she used this excuse to get $ from me) So I ended up getting the $ for her, and created another bill for us while doing it. I pay her monthly internet bill, and like you have my cell on her plan. I pay the full cell bill every month. I have not seen a penny in return for the $ to fix her car, or for the cell or internet. But ohhhhh if I borrow a can of vegetables, or loaf of bread because I do not want to stop at the store on the way home .. I better replace it next time I see her.
Needless to say .. I do not borrow a thing from her anymore, and do not talk to her about money in any way, things I buy, stresses in my life etc.. if I do, it all turns to her & what she wants. Things are better now that I do that.
So when your Mom calls and starts in about things you do not want to deal with, or stresses in her life you can not help with, make an excuse, get off the phone. Maybe sometime in the future I can actually talk things out with my Mom, and you can too. But in the mean time, this works for me.
Thank you all for the advice. I think I was so upset that day because my aunt had called me and she had just gotten out of the hospital because of heart complications. Instead of her being worried about herself she began telling me that my mom had called her and told her that I wasnt talking to her. WTH! She always tell people when we have an arguement. Then my aunt throws it in our face later and tells us how close her and her daughter and they are so different from my mom and I. I just get so tired of her telling everything. My mom wants sympothy from everyone and I cant take it anymore.
Anyway I still haven't decided what to do about our relationship, but I know that I may have to not talk to her anymore. I think that my mom has gotten to me for too long and I dont know how to funtion without her and her opinions. That is why they get to me too much. If my husband and I are talking about doing something I usually call my mom first to see what she thinks. I think that I need to stop the co-dependant relationship and cut the cord. She has told me for so long that she is the only person in this world who cares about me. She also has told me that we only have each other so we have to stick together and not let anyone break that. I think that I'm all that she has and she wants to keep me to herself. She claims that I'm wrong but I think that she cant take me making decisions especially if they are opposite of what she wants me to do. She still calls me hard headed and tells me that I dont listen and I will learn the hard way. Ok I'm grown! I've just had enough and I havent had so much peace in two weeks that I've had my whole life. I just think enough is enought. Its bad enough that I call her as soon as I wake up and I speak to her for about 2 hours in the morning and then we talk about 5 times through out the day. I think that I need to grow up and show her that she is not my life and to appreciate every moment tha she has with me or the children because it's not guranteed. I hope Im right.
I think you are doing the right thing. Time spent distanced from her will do you both some good.