My 11th anniversary is tommorrow (April 4th). I wont be celebrating because I just told my husband if he choose to move on (see someone else thats okay with me) as life is to short and I need to enjoy every moment with the kids (ages 9, 4 and 6months). This moment has been buiding up for some time during the years and I finally realized I cannot change a person and DH believe I can never change to be the person he wants me to be ( so why bother). I dont feel sad but feel relief that I can take control of this situation with no hard feelings and more on (I am already making plans for me and the kids). Within the next several months the kids and I will be relocating to my own place. I have one more year in university before I get my accounts degree, so hopefully I will get a decent job as soon as I graduate. Well he never really supported my cake decorating skills.
I just need to clear my head abit, Is anyone going through the same thing as me. Am I alone? Are you newly seperated or divorce?
Wow, that's a huge life decision. I haven't gone through anything like this but I applaud your strength and I do wish you the best of luck in whatever you choose to do.
I wish you the best no matter what the end result is. I hope that you have had a chance to discuss this with someone who is not directly and personally involved with you, you know a therapist or a religious leader.
You have an overwhelming lot on your plate right now. University and 3 kids, one only a few months old. If I were in your shoes there would be some days I would think the life of a hermit would be wonderful!
Every marriage goes through times, especially after 10 years, that things aren't so great and often seem rather dreadful. Some of these really, really bad things are honestly things that are related to stress or depression and they will pass. Other things are really deal breakers. It takes a lot of work and help to know which is which, and I think, only exploring this with another person who is an expert in relationships can sort this out. It would be a shame if you left a relationship of over 10 years if it could be fixed. It would be worse to stay in a relationship if it was never going to get better.
Good luck and hugs to you and your wonderful kids.
I agree with funcakes. Really think it over.
Not sure but maybe it's better for you to do it now, than what I am going through after 49 1/2 yrs.
My husband walked out on me this a.m. to pursue a gay lifestyle at the age of 72!
There was NO indications of such interests - until he got involved in pornography on the internet a couple of years ago.
Majormichel, I agree with you it's better to make a decision now than in another 10 years and it sounds like you've tired to make it work. I just hope that you and your husband can still have a good relationship for the kids sake.
Kakeladi, my heart goes out to you. I think it's one thing when you know things are bad in a marriage, but for it to come out the blue would be worse.In my opinion he is just out of his mind that after 49 1/2 yrs of marriage he's all of a sudden gay.
My thoughts are with both of you and just remember to be strong it's not the end of the world. Like the song goes " I Wil Survive".
My thoughts are with both of you today! Be strong, think clearly and be brave. I have no idea of that it feels like to be in either of your situations, but just wanted to say that I'm hear if you need a shoulder !
This baking/caking communities makes us sisters in a way.
I have to agree with funcakes. If you haven't talked to a therapist/counselor, you should. Less than 2 years ago, I was ready to walk out of my seemingly perfect marriage.
We went to a counselor and the first thing he said was "DO NOT go home and try to fix ANYTHING! Be civil to each other, smile through your teeth, be nice for your kid's sake. And come back in 2 weeks." It was the best advise we could have gotten. We were in counseling for about 6 months.
Also, and I'm not trying to open a religious debate here, but I prayed. I believe that helped more than anything.
I made the same decision 18 months ago and it was the smartest thing I ever did... I have been happier in the last 18 months than I was in all the years he and I were together (which honestly wasn't that many years--things went downhill fast). If you want to talk to someone who's been there, send me a PM or email. Good luck!
I agree with everything that has been said. My husband and I just celebrated our 33rd anniversary on the 20th of March. We have had a lot of fun, and we have had not so much fun, but somehow, we have worked it out. It isn't always that way for everyone. Just be sure that you are not letting this go, when it doesn't have to be. If it does, then more power to you. And yes, go talk to someone. It will help you collect your thoughts, and get your feelings worked out. Afterall...you were married for 11 years, and have three kids together.
My thoughts and prayers are with you. Most, if not all married women at one point or the other has had thoughts of quiting on marriage. I know I have, and I must say it scared me that I was choosing to quit on a commitment.
I agree that you should talk to someone . A great resource on marriage is Ed Young's "Doors"(@ edyoung.com).
I know what its like dealing with someone who just don't seem to be changeable. But I,ve learnt that we're only responsible for change in ourselves, and others in themselves. We cannot change our spouses. If we can accept them as they are and still love them, then there is hope.
Just pray about it. I promise to say a pray for you and your husband.
My heart feels for you. God's guidance and strength to you.
It takes time and pressure for diamonds to be created.
I agree.....go to therapy! If nothing else, you will be able to look at your children and tell them that you did everything you could. Divorce is life altering for children, no matter what the marriage was like. They need to know you put in every effort.
I ended up leaving my husband after 21 years, but we did therapy for months first. I've never regretted it and my kids know I made that effort.
Thank you all who have responded. For me I get sooooo tired of going in a circle for example -situations that was dealt with he does bring them up. I am blame for the person he is today (yeah right). I know when I stand before God on judgement day he won't say did DH make you do it, but why did you do it (responsible for your own actions.) Yes we been to counsel over and over and over. I am not depressed, I am too focus on graduating and taking care of the kids to be in that state. I am due to return to university in a few months so we will see what happens, but my mind is made up. I just want a peace of mind.
Kakeladi, you have great courage and strenght to move on and continue to live life.
Since my last post I have left my husband. The event that lead up to me leaving with the 3 kids is when he called the Police for me. Yes, that right the Police. I had no idea they were coming to my house until they arrived. I asked why they were here and he told the Police he wants to get me out, because he is working 2 jobs and I does stress him out. Well albeit, only you are stress? What at me, I am taking care of 3 kids and is a full time university student. Well the Police said they dont get in martial affairs and I have just as most rights in the house as he does. For a peace of mind I moved out. My DH is the Superintendent where we live, and we recieve free rent in lieu of salary. So technically it is his apartment. Dont worry I got my own apartment with less headache and stress from him. Prior to getting my apartment I was in a shelter for 1 weeks because DH was acting crazy by threatening to do what ever it takes to get me out the house.
The kids and I are now settled in our new place and just will continue to complete my degree. I have one more year so pray I can finish on time.
This is the strory of my life. I tell people I dont cry I laugh to feel better.
I'm happy to hear you are happy with your decision and you and your children are safe.
Oh MajorMichel, do cry and let your kids cry...they will need it. I cannot understand what you are going through as I am only newly married. However, I am a child of a very messy divorce (abuse and addiction). All I can say is please be civil, I wish my parents had been. There is too much damage from the hated that can explode between divorced parents. My sister is going through a "my daddy didn't love me so I'm going to date any slimeball that comes along to replace that love" stage. It breaks my heart to see it. There's more but I know she frequents this site so I will be a good sister....
Anyways, I wish you so much good and peace and am tearing up myself amoungst my own memories so I encourage you to cry...and your kids. Some counseling for them would be invaluable! It could be the difference in them making good life choices for themselves and I am sure you want the very best for them. <<Hugs>>
Good for you michel. It sounds like your husband was trying to make life difficult for you.
I wish you all the very best and i know you will get that degree!
You stressed him out? This had to have been a recent decision of his that you stress him out. Ya'll have 3 children, the youngest being 6 months...what was he doing 15 +/- months ago?...relieving stress? wait...you fell asleep and he didn't want to wake you so (there's a CCer to credit for this term) he took care of the 'laundry' all by himself?
The time apart may be beneficial to you both. I wish your family the best.
funcakes.... "If I were in your shoes there would be some days I would think the life of a hermit would be wonderful! " That would be probably my every other week decision. One week, "I just don't feel like getting out of the house." The following week, "I'm not going to let this bring me down and stay cooped up in this house. I got some socializin' to do!" Next week, "Why do I even bother?" .....
Can't believe I missed this post the first time around. I just got divorced on March 16, one day before my 13th anniversary. It was my decision to go. I had just had ENOUGH. He knew I felt this way over the past year, and I tried to "rekindle" the feelings for a whole year for my daughter's sake, but I couldn't. Funny how once I finally decided to leave him and felt good about the decision, he all of a sudden decided he loved and wanted me after 12+ years of neglect. He DID try hard during that last year, but it was too late.
My heart goes out to the OP and others who are struggling. And to you, too, Kakeladi for the awful mess you must be going through. 49.5 years is a LONG time. I think internet pornography has done more to ruin marriages and the way men and women interact with one another than all relationship challenging things on the planet combined in all the years of civilization.
I can honestly say that I tried my very best for those 13 years of marriage. My 11-year-old daughter is with me and the ex gets her every other weekend. He and I have remained friends, and we never ONCE blew up about this in front of the kid. Hence, the kid is doing OK and has adjusted perfectly. She just got her report card a few weeks back, and her grades went UP. She says she LIKES having two homes instead of one.
I miss the financial security and my nice big home, but I don't regret my decision because I'm FINALLY away from his antics, coldness, rudeness, and just plain old meanness. I got a fair settlement and I also work, so I'm doing OK. And, ....ahem.... I've found a new man. At age 45, who'd've thunk?
I am so glad that you are happy with your desicion. My husband and I have been having problems for a while, but we're still working on them together. Please for the sake of your kids be civil to each other and don't badmouth the other parent, the kids will learn soon enough who was at fault and then they won't blame you for something you couldn't help.
I hope things go better and my thoughts are with you.
Thank you Cc'ers for all the encouraging words. I thought after 10 years each partner would have appreciated each other and would have learnt by now what each other like and dislikes. Well not in this case. For the kids sake I give him our telephone, so he can call and speak to them, but of course he don't know where we live (don't know what he is capable of doing). Now DH wants to be nice to me, I told him I have moved on with my life and I advise him to do the same (leave me alone, obviously he did not want me when he call the Police for me )
Well Mellee, I toldl my sister who wants me with 3 kids and she always said, you would be surprise. So I guess she was right. Mellee I am only 30 yrs and if could fine a hunk I guess I can too .
Remember the old days when husbands and wifes stayed together for the children sake althought they were unhappy and living seperate lives. I dont belive in that. I you are unhappy leave, get it over and done with. I wish I had done it sooner.