My Daughter Is Driving Me Crazy !!!

Lounge By Arriva Updated 25 Mar 2009 , 1:12am by Deb_

Arriva Posted 23 Mar 2009 , 12:12am
post #1 of 28

I just had to say it out loud. This is nothing new, but she makes such dumb decisions sometimes !! Am I an awful parent to feel this way??? It's so strange. I only doubt my parenting skills when it comes to her. I have a son and two step daughters, and I feel that I do well with them. Just so you know, they are not "kids" anymore. They range from 28 to 20. I guess I just wanted to vent for a minute.

27 replies
Deb_ Posted 23 Mar 2009 , 12:54am
post #2 of 28

No you are not an awful parent for feeling that way, I think as parents we all have feelings like this from time to time. I have a son who turns 19 in April and a daughter that will turn 21 this year.

My DH and I have tried to give them a good foundation and upbringing as I'm sure you and your DH have, but sometimes they'll do something that makes us say "What the he _ _ are they thinking?"

I think as parents we have to remember that at some point in their lives they need to "feel" the consequences of their actions and decisions and if we keep trying to protect them from that they'll never grow up.

I just told my husband today that my parents were awesome, (I'm the youngest of 8 kids), but they never "held my hand" through every aspect of my young years. I did pretty much everything for myself and in the end I think the "life experiences" made me mature at a much younger age then my kids have.

I know it's hard sometimes, but I think you should just try to let your daughter struggle through this one (I mean as long as her health or safety aren't at risk). Try not to beat yourself up, as you said they are not children anymore and at some point she needs to act like the adult she has become.

I'll say a little "Mom prayer" for ya! icon_wink.gif

Good luck!
Deb

hallow3 Posted 23 Mar 2009 , 1:21am
post #3 of 28

There comes a time in young adults lives that they must break free from mom and dad and it is a growing experience for them. Some still want mom and dad to pay for everything and yet they want to have "freedom" to do as they please. Well guess what, sometimes they can't have their cake and eat it too and it is a breaking away that will make your daughter either stand up or break down. Sometimes "We" as parents do not want our children to hit a low point in their lives but they really need this because how else are they going to learn from their consequences. I am going through this right now with my daughter who just turned 21. She wants her nicely driven car paid, her insurance and cell paid for, plus give her money so she don't have to use her for the whatevers. Well, It is time for her to grow up and realize that if you want to be an adult, then act as you are one and by the here is your car, insurance and cell phone bills starting in 90 days. Now you can be an adult and make your "adult" decisions.
Her is a ((hug ))for you and thanks for my therapy too for getting that out! whew. that does feel better. So no, you are not a bad parent, you are just needing to change the roles and rules a little bit now. Ah Growing pains.

Carson Posted 23 Mar 2009 , 1:36am
post #4 of 28

Its weird that at 29 I would say "I know what you mean!"

I have a 19 year old sister who I feel completely responsible for and I can't get her to go to school - she always has a dumb $%@ excuse, usually involving her "boyfriend of the week."

I think she may drive you crazy for the rest of her life...or until she gets married (like my mom says, then she's someone elses problem, lol).

indydebi Posted 23 Mar 2009 , 1:54am
post #5 of 28

Oh sure they do! But as it's been mentioned above, it's ok for them to screw up and do things different than what you or I would do.

My daughter is a GREAT mom .... but that doesnt' mean I don't see a thing here and there that I think she should do "different". Fortunately, somewhere along the line, years and years ago, I decided I wasn't going to be one of "those" moms or moms-in-law, so unless she asks, I don't mention it. And when she DOES ask, I relay the info in a format like, "Well, when your brother went thru that phase, what I did was ...... " That format is less accusatory and more informational.

hallow3, my other daughter does the same thing ... thinks I should pay for everything while she keeps her money. But she just turned 16, so it's "kinda" understandable. She stills gets the "hell no I'm not paying for your new clothes so you can use your money to buy a DVD!" speech.

JaimeAnn Posted 23 Mar 2009 , 10:20am
post #6 of 28

I have a 21 year old daughter and we are very close, she still lives at home and I have been fortunate not to have had the problems with her that I gave my mom. She does things that irritate me (usually having to do with her spending habits) She has a good job and makes a lot of money for someone her age , her only bills are her car payment, insurance and cell phone. The rest of her money goes straight to the Mall, and it drives me Crazy.

I dropped out of school and left home when I was 14 had my daughter when I was 16. Trying to get out of a bad home life and an abusive step father I jumped right in to a more difficult one. It wasn't all bad , I have a wonderful daughter and I am still married to her father but it is definitely not the life I would have chosen for myself if I could go back and do it over.

So from standing in the shoes of the dumb daughter who didn't listen, even though we make mistakes a lot of the time we still turn out ok in the end. I learned a lot and it made me a better mother. Sometimes we just have to find out the hard way.

Deb_ Posted 23 Mar 2009 , 1:47pm
post #7 of 28

JamieAnn that's an inspiring story thank you for sharing that with us "Moms".

I think I know deep down that things will turn out well for my kids, it's just so damn frustrating sometimes.

As parents I think we all just wish our kids would listen to us once and a while, it would save them a lot of grief in the long run............but I guess they won't know that until they grow up and have children of their own someday icon_rolleyes.gif

Looking back to their early teen years, I used to say "Oh, I can't wait until they're in college", now I say "Oh, I can't wait until they're out of college and settled with a spouse". What next? Does it ever get to the point where you stop "being a worried mother?"

Carson Posted 23 Mar 2009 , 1:52pm
post #8 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by dkelly

Does it ever get to the point where you stop "being a worried mother?"




As far as I can tell, never...

Arriva Posted 23 Mar 2009 , 2:25pm
post #9 of 28

She's always been my "reverse psychology" child. If she thought for a moment something might please me -- she would go 180 degrees from it as fast as she could go !!!

Thanks for listening. This is the most supportive group of people I've never met !! thumbs_up.gif

dinas27 Posted 23 Mar 2009 , 4:36pm
post #10 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by JaimeAnn

I have a 21 year old daughter and we are very close, she still lives at home and I have been fortunate not to have had the problems with her that I gave my mom. She does things that irritate me (usually having to do with her spending habits) She has a good job and makes a lot of money for someone her age , her only bills are her car payment, insurance and cell phone. The rest of her money goes straight to the Mall, and it drives me Crazy.




why are you not making her pay rent? If she is working and not going to school there is no reason why she should not be contributing to your household. It doesnt matter if you don't need the extra financial help. Does she have a goal to move out? Is she saving for it? - it doesn't sound like it. You need to make things a little less easy for her or she might stay too long for your liking (my best friend's sister is 26 still living in their parents basement and pays rent *sometimes*). If you are uncomfortable taking her money perhaps you can put in into an account to help buy furniture for her new place, you dont have to tell her this though.

You are not doing her any favors with a free ride. I'm sorry if I'm reading too much into this situation but I have seen all the trouble this type of situation can cause in a family.

<I'm 23 by the way, your daughter needs a dose of financial reality>

Deb_ Posted 23 Mar 2009 , 6:28pm
post #11 of 28

dinas27.......you speak with a lot of wisdom for someone your age. Can I give you my DD's e-mail so you can give her a dose of that? icon_lol.gif

I have to agree with you on the rent issue. We've told our kids as long as they stay in college and work to achieve good acceptable (to us) grades they will not be asked to pay us "rent". If for some reason they choose to not finish school, then they will have to pay up.

We do pay for college, however, they pay for their books, car insurance, gasoline for their cars (which they paid for also), and spending money. They both work about 16 hrs a week on the weekend, and full time during school breaks.

My daughter's financial decisions are definitely a concern for us, like jamieann's daughter, my daughter will pay her bills, but if she has 30 dollars left, she'll head to the mall and buy something for $29.99.

She lives paycheck to paycheck, and that is so very dangerous. We've never lived that way and my son is not like her at all. He saves every penny he makes.

I don't understand how siblings can be so different, when they have been raised exactly the same. icon_rolleyes.gif

The hardest lesson we've been trying to teach her is when her car breaks down, we won't be there to give her the money to fix it. She needs to save "for a rainy day". She doesn't seem to believe that we won't be there to pay the bill, but we're sticking to our guns on this one.

Threads like this are so therapeutical......it's a comfort to know that we're not the only parents with concerns about our "adult" children.

Arriva Posted 23 Mar 2009 , 8:41pm
post #12 of 28

DKelly, you and I (and our kids) have a lot in common. My son is nothing like my daughter -- though thankfully they get along great. Both of my kids got a nice inheritance 3-4 years ago. My son has a beautiful home, and my daughter can not afford the little crappy garage apartment she rents (with her BF of course). She's had more cash run through her finger tips than she can even image today. I am very good with money. It's a joke that I could have a business where I managed people household budgets for them, but my daughter wouldn't heed my advice if it earned her a winning lottery ticket.

Glad I started this thread, I just wanted to talk to someone without having a big discussion at home.

Love my fellow cc'er.

dinas27 Posted 23 Mar 2009 , 8:41pm
post #13 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by dkelly


I don't understand how siblings can be so different, when they have been raised exactly the same. icon_rolleyes.gif




Siblings are very different. I will not get started on my best friend and her sister as this would be an all day post.

My older brother was terrible with money but has gotten better (he's 26 now). I believe that he (and his wife) still feel very entitled to credit - a major problem in our society.

I have always been very independent with money. I think that's mostly because I'm a control freak and would never want someone telling me how I should live/spend money.

I don't think I have ever felt so guilty as when my mom helped me out with rent for 3 months I spent in a strange city (I had a $2000+ mandatory 1 month university course after regular spring session, had to continue paying 1/2 my rent in uni city and missed out on a month of work because of said summer course) and I spent over $300 on a plane ticket back to uni city to see my then BF now DH - love makes you do silly things!)

My younger brother is different altogether - he has a sweet (read slack and pays well - twice minimum wage) summer job and has his tuition paid for (athletic). But was more or less out of money at Christmas. He likes to spend on big things but does have some money invested and of course needs to eat A LOT more than I do.

The one thing we all have in common is a good work ethic, we always worked on the farm (and got paid for it too) and had regular chores.

indydebi Posted 23 Mar 2009 , 8:49pm
post #14 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by dkelly


I don't understand how siblings can be so different, when they have been raised exactly the same. icon_rolleyes.gif



Not just siblings.... but even those raised in the same time period.

If you know two people who grew up as a Depression Child. I've observed they can go two different ways (even from the same family). There's the one who grew up with nothing, so they hoard every penny because they never want to be poor anymore. It's "oh boy oh boy oh boy I've got money and I better put it somewhere safe before someone takes it away from me."

There's the other one, who grew up with nothing, who spends every dime they get because they never had money to spend so now it's "oh boy oh boy oh boy I've got money and I better spend it now before someone takes it away from me."

People are wired so different and you never know what's going to trip their wiring.

My sister and I thought we were SO different because she HAS to have a brand new car every two years, and I could care less how old my car is or how it looks, as long as it starts in the morning and gets me there. We finally realized we were after the same thing .... a car that wouldn't break down (like the cars we grew up with ... we were always afraid of being stranded on a country road at night!). She handled it by buying a new car .that was practically guaranteed to run good ... I handled it by having a car that run, no matter what it looked like. Same motivation ... different technique for handling it.

JaimeAnn Posted 23 Mar 2009 , 8:51pm
post #15 of 28

I don't make my daughter pay rent, but I take $200 a month from her paycheck and put it in a savings account that she can't touch as her emergency money. Sure $200 a month is nothing with her regular pay and monthly bonuses she brings home about $3000 a month. she has full benefits and pays into a 401k. She works hard and earns every penny of it.

My Mom and I have gone round and round about this . I look at it this way
She is young , she has never given me any problems , Graduated from high school top of her class, She has worked full time since she was 16, took her management classes at night. She doesn't drink or do drugs, she doesn't have boyfriend drama and she is very generous. (the first person to help someone in need) The day will come that she will have to be more responsible with her money and she knows how to do that she just doesn't want to.

As difficult as I was I have a sister who has been even worse , and still is . When my sister turned 25 my Mom finally said you are your own person now, time to take responsibility for your actions and hasn't "bailed her out" of her problems since. She is 27 now and still alive , she makes things harder on herself than need be but it isn't everyone elses problem anymore.

We are all destined to be the people we are going to be. Life makes us, builds our character. As long as we as parents provide good structural skills in the early development stages , Teach good Morals and right from wrong, even if our kids "stray" from time to time. I believe they will have a strong foundation to build on and come back to that.

Deb_ Posted 23 Mar 2009 , 8:53pm
post #16 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by Arriva

DKelly, you and I (and our kids) have a lot in common.


Glad I started this thread, I just wanted to talk to someone without having a big discussion at home.

Love my fellow cc'er.




Yes, it would seem like we do have a lot in common, and I'm very happy you started this thread also.

My DH gets so STRESSED about my daughter's financial habits that I'm really afraid he'll make himself sick over it if I bring it up too much.

He's in banking and is very smart about finances, budgeting and investments and it kills him that she is so irresponsible with money.

He has an older sister who's almost 50 yrs old and she's been horrible with money her entire life. She has a master's in Social Work, so it's not like she's uneducated, however she doesn't even own a car because her credit is so bad that insurance companies won't insure her.

I think his biggest fear is that our daughter is following in his sister's footsteps.

I pray every night that she'll wake up and listen to our advice. I know it could be a lot worse.

dinas27 Posted 23 Mar 2009 , 9:17pm
post #17 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by JaimeAnn

I don't make my daughter pay rent, but I take $200 a month from her paycheck and put it in a savings account that she can't touch as her emergency money. Sure $200 a month is nothing with her regular pay and monthly bonuses she brings home about $3000 a month. she has full benefits and pays into a 401k. She works hard and earns every penny of it.

As difficult as I was I have a sister who has been even worse , and still is . When my sister turned 25 my Mom finally said you are your own person now, time to take responsibility for your actions and hasn't "bailed her out" of her problems since. She is 27 now and still alive , she makes things harder on herself than need be but it isn't everyone elses problem anymore.




I think you probably have a very well rounded daughter and have done a great job raising her to be successful. For what you have said it does seem like one day she'll come around. It was soooo tempting to run out and spend my first paycheck after being a poor student for so long!

Putting money in an emergency fund is great - I just wonder if she is doing this because you make her? At some point she needs to make her own decisions - good or bad. I know my parents struggled with how much help and advice to give us.

I saw a really interesting show on TV last weekend - about children and play (I'm currently working on reconnecting children with nature). The most interesting part of the program was a risk assessor from the UK being very much in favor of 'risky' playgrounds, you know the fun stuff before all these safety regulations. He said that when parents are constantly protecting their children it inhibits their own ability to learn to assess risk.

Now this may not seem have much to do with your situation, but baby steps are a good thing sometimes instead of all of a sudden at 25 you tell her that you're just not helping anymore when she hasn't had the opportunity to practice good decision making. Perhaps try turning the $200 into 'rent' and see if she keeps contributing to her emergency fund?

* edited to clarify my last paragraph

indydebi Posted 23 Mar 2009 , 9:22pm
post #18 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by dinas27

He said that when parents are constantly protecting their children it inhibits their own ability to learn to assess risk.




When my oldest daughter was two, she'd sit on the bicycle seat with my 9 year old brother and go into the woods to jump dirt-hills together ... something that so many mothers I know would have a heart attack over!

But we did draw the line and forbid my son to skateboard off of the porch roof, though. icon_rolleyes.gif

JaimeAnn Posted 23 Mar 2009 , 11:04pm
post #19 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by dinas27



Putting money in an emergency fund is great - I just wonder if she is doing this because you make her? At some point she needs to make her own decisions - good or bad. I know my parents struggled with how much help and advice to give us.




Sure it started that way, only saving because I made her, But now she does quite often add more than required.

I am just not "into" the idea of charging my daughter rent. I am sure that situation is different for different people . It may be because she is my only child . Who knows one day I may have to live with her and I know she wouldn't charge me rent. icon_wink.gif

If you look at other cultures it is not uncommon for children to live at home with their parents well into their late 20's and early 30's. These family's put a much greater value on Family and staying together than "your 18 time to get out of my house and fend for yourself". There is a far lower divorce rate and much higher emphasis on "Family values".

Now I am not saying this should apply to all situations . If a child is not living up to their end of the bargain ie: drinking, drugs trouble in general, yes there comes a time when you just have to say, If this is the way you want to behave, take it somewhere else and see what the real world is like. (read my sister)

But I think as a culture in general we are too quick to push our kids out, leading to them getting into bad relationships out of necessity and having children of their own fueling another generation that are being raised by grandparents or having little to no supervision at all because their parents weren't ready to be parents.

Yes I was 16 when my daughter was born and I was too young to be a parent, but this is where my philosophy of falling back on a good foundation comes in. My mother was a good mother with bad judgment when it came to her spouses, Yes she was married 4 times . I was an only child till I was 10 and I think those years that it was just me and my Mom laid the groundwork for me to be a strong parent, and that is what I fell back on when I had my own daughter.

So getting back to the original subject , I think that even though some kids may be difficult and seem to make every bad decision out there, eventually what we taught them will "kick in".

dldbrou Posted 24 Mar 2009 , 12:31am
post #20 of 28

JaimeAnn, I understand fully where you are coming from. I have an only child, age 27, that never gave any problems in school, had a 4.0 grade point avg. in high school and college and even went away to get his masters degree. He was married last year to a great girl.

People were always telling us since he was a baby that we spoiled him. I never understood why they would say this since we did not make much money. It came down to jealousy. They could not stand it that we were a close family and enjoyed each other. If my son needed something, we would help him get it if it was warranted.

I have always said that if I am not going to help him out when he needs us, then when we need him as we get older, will he help us? He is not greedy or irresponsible and knows the value of money.

He just recently quit smoking (which he took up his junior year in college) and never complained about giving it up. He just did it to get healthier.

He is independent and makes his shares of mistakes, but still has a sense of responsibility.

My nephew who is two years older than my son is on the opposite end of the spectrum. You cann't tell him anything that he doesn't already know and hasn't got a clue how to do his finances. He has a wife and 2yr old son and all he wants to do is hunt or fish in his spare time. His dad was a banker and he never learned anything about paying bills on time. Never has anything saved and is barely making ends meet. He means well when he offers to help, but you can not count on him to show up to help.

His parents let him fend for himself most of his life and they rarely offered help when he could use guidance. He is a smart, great guy, but just has a different maturity level than my son.

Deb_ Posted 24 Mar 2009 , 12:40pm
post #21 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by dldbrou

JaimeAnn, I understand fully where you are coming from. I have an only child, age 27, that never gave any problems in school, had a 4.0 grade point avg. in high school and college and even went away to get his masters degree. He was married last year to a great girl.

People were always telling us since he was a baby that we spoiled him. I never understood why they would say this since we did not make much money. It came down to jealousy. They could not stand it that we were a close family and enjoyed each other. If my son needed something, we would help him get it if it was warranted.

I have always said that if I am not going to help him out when he needs us, then when we need him as we get older, will he help us? He is not greedy or irresponsible and knows the value of money.

He just recently quit smoking (which he took up his junior year in college) and never complained about giving it up. He just did it to get healthier.

He is independent and makes his shares of mistakes, but still has a sense of responsibility.

My nephew who is two years older than my son is on the opposite end of the spectrum. You cann't tell him anything that he doesn't already know and hasn't got a clue how to do his finances. He has a wife and 2yr old son and all he wants to do is hunt or fish in his spare time. His dad was a banker and he never learned anything about paying bills on time. Never has anything saved and is barely making ends meet. He means well when he offers to help, but you can not count on him to show up to help.

His parents let him fend for himself most of his life and they rarely offered help when he could use guidance. He is a smart, great guy, but just has a different maturity level than my son.




dldbrou.........I hear what you are saying, it's so hard to know the right balance. It would be interesting to see what other children of yours would have been like.

If we had just my Son, I wouldn't even be posting here. He's so not into material things, he's very level headed when it comes to school and money and he really can't stand the way his sister blows money.

They're only 17months apart, I stayed home with them until they were in school full days and even then I worked my hours around their school hours.

My daughter, just has that horrible personality trait of feeling "entitled" to have things. One positive thing is that she is a very hard worker, and she does well in school. I just want her to start saving money.

What advice can you give me? I'm really concerned about this. Should I tell her that when she lives here this summer that she has to give us money each week? I thought about doing that and putting the money into an account for her so that when she goes back to College in Sept., she'll have a little "cushion".

As dinas27 said...........in the long run will this really help her if we're making her do it? Shouldn't she want to save on her own? How do you get them to see that they NEED to save money?

A lot of the credit problems in this country are created by people that use credit cards as savings accounts. If they can't afford something, they use a credit card, instead of having a savings account to fall back on. I'm fearful that this will be her method some day.

dldbrou Posted 24 Mar 2009 , 2:32pm
post #22 of 28

I wish I had the perfect answer for you. My son grew up hearing us say all the time that we don't have money to go buy luxury things or vacations. He would look at us and say, well you have checks in your checkbook. Then we would tell him that that wasn't really money, it just pretends to be money. We would save up and then splurg on whatever it was our goal was. He saw this from early on and understood that we were not going deep in debt just to act happy. Luckily, his new wife has the same morals.

They bought a house last year and we helped them remodel it. We only hired one group to come in and help with the drywall. Everything else was done by my dh, son, wife and myself and one brother. We save thousands of dollars. This was a great lesson for them in saving money. They appreciate their house so much more than just hiring everything out and writing a check and going into major debt.

What I would do with your daughter is sit her down or talk to her by email. Have her come up with her budget and let her see where she needs to save. Maybe seeing it on paper and being honest about her spending will open her eyes. However, if she thinks that you will bail her out if she gets in too deep, could be where she gets the entitlement from. It's hard not to help out your child, but they need to show responsibility to get it.

If she needs money, make her show you her payment plan on paying you back in her budget. If she is going to pay you rent and you want to set it aside for her, GREAT, just don't tell her that is what you are doing. The reason I say this is because she will find excuses not to pay you knowing that it will be given back later.

Or you might just ask her why she feels she doesn't have to save money. She might be someone who thinks that one day she will just fall into a bunch of money.

My dh keeps thinking that he will win the lottery one day. Yeah, that will happen soon. LOL If I left our finances up to my dh, we would be lost in debt double what we now owe. We only have 5 years left on our house and then we will be debt free. Yeah.

Maybe she should listen to Dave Ramsey sometimes. He can be found on the radio and on the web. Have her check it out sometimes.

dinas27 Posted 24 Mar 2009 , 4:31pm
post #23 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by dldbrou



People were always telling us since he was a baby that we spoiled him. I never understood why they would say this since we did not make much money. It came down to jealousy. They could not stand it that we were a close family and enjoyed each other. If my son needed something, we would help him get it if it was warranted.

but just has a different maturity level than my son.




I apologize if my posts came across badly, every family is very different and has different ways of handling things. I think that you really hit the nail on the head about maturity levels. Some people just need a little more time. It's great that your son has found a spouse that has similar money values - I've heard that financial difficultities are the no. 1 reason couples split up.

Many people have also assumed that my brothers and I were spoiled - we grew up in a large house (which my parents entirely built) and never seemed to want for much. My parents didnt give us everything though - and we worked on the farm. And we have a very close family as well - we LIKE to spend time together.

Dkelly - I only lived at home for one summer during University but my parents never asked us to pay rent during the summer and there was often an old vehicle around that we could use (paying insurance and our own gas). Since we qualified for zero interest student loans my parents did not help us out much while in school. Summer jobs were expected to help us cover our personal spending during the school year. I worked in meat factory that summer and got a huge discount so anything my mom wanted I paid for as well as the occasional groceries. I know my younger brother carpooled with my mom as he worked at the same place.

dldbrou - my parents are always there to help us out if we need it. I know they bailed my older brother out of financial trouble a few times and allowed him to move home. But that didnt mean they made things easy for him - he paid rent and I believe he did pay back the 'loan' and made car payments to my mom.

I guess what it comes down to is attitude. I think I feel strongly about this because I am in the same generation and I have seen many people my age take shameful advantage of their parents. I have a BIL like this - he's in his early 30's and his family keeps bailing him out, supporting his extreme laziness and addictions. I am horrified by people I knew at university who made their parents pay major $$$ for a two bedroom apartment (after her roommate moved out) because she was too lazy to move down the hall to a one bedroom. There are many examples of this - complete wasteful spending.

Oh one more story - a girl I knew from the dorms. Her dad was a big shot accountant and they had a lot of money. This girl was in business and so her dad's firm hired her every summer (and paid very well). She had a lot of money saved as her parents paid for school and all of her living expenses (very generous clothing allowance etc.) It was the end of the school year and she was about to head back to her home city and my friend was meeting her for lunch. The girl only had a few dollars in cash and wanted something super cheap because she didn't want to use any of HER money. Not even a few dollars for lunch - she made it quite clear to my friend that she was only willing to spend it if it was her parent's money. She would rather go hungry than spend her money. I'm not sure what she did with all her savings.

Deb_ Posted 24 Mar 2009 , 6:14pm
post #24 of 28

dldbrou..........we've tried the budget thing, my husband had it all done out on a spreadsheet for her. Here's her way of thinking.........on Fri., Sat., and Sundays she waitresses at a pretty up-scale restaurant. She averages about $500 in those 3 days, which is a lot of money for a 20 yr old college kid.

She figures that she can spend all month and then the week that her bills are due, i.e. car insurance and cell phone, she'll make that money in a couple of nights and pay the bills.

What we try to instill in her is that she needs to save so that if she has a slow week at the restaurant or an emergency with her car, she'll have the money to pay for it.

I forgot to mention that she was diagnosed with ADD (attention deficit) about 2 yrs ago, however, the counselor she saw thought her problem was more "Depression" induced then ADD.

dinas27 I can completely relate to the "we have a nice house so we must be rich" way of thinking.

I really think this is the way my daughter sees it, even though she knows that we have very modest older cars, we don't use credit cards for ANYTHING, I have 1 Visa for when we travel, but it's paid off in full and we never carry a balance.

I'm always preaching ways to save money on items by using coupons, buying when there are sales and only buying if you NEED it not just because you WANT it.

I don't know if it's her ADD or Depression that keeps her thinking and functioning this way, I hate to use that as an excuse.

As parents we just want to see our children as independent, productive adults. I don't want to be worried about this for the next 20 yrs., I don't think I could stand that.......I know my husband can't.

I'll definitely check out the Dave Ramsey show and tell her to do the same. She's the typical stubborn kid, she'll listen to someone else' advice before ours.

ziggytarheel Posted 24 Mar 2009 , 8:09pm
post #25 of 28

It is really hard when our grown children make mistakes that we thought we'd surely trained them not to! They all do it, you know? We have one child who lives much closer to the edge than the other. Cuts life close in so many ways. He IS a great kid with a great heart who lives on the straight and narrow and is a very kind a loving person. But it gives me gray hair to see how close he cuts deadlines, how close he cuts getting his school work done, etc. Money...not so much, but it is the same concept, I think.

With our kids, we have offered for them to live at home for one year, rent free. During that year, they should find a job, save a substantial amount of money, pay back their small student loans, and get their feet on the ground. During that year, they would have to agree to live to a few rules about household chores in order to have this privilege. One child took us up on this for only a couple of months, but she has lived very frugally, is about 8 years ahead right now on paying off her 10 year loan, and is regularly both giving and saving. Phew! When she moved out, we told her that this was her decision to go off into the hard cruel world icon_smile.gif a few months before she had to, that we were happy for her, but it was a "no turning back" situation. She was a grown up now, and she had to be able to take care of herself. If a catastrophe struck, she could come home again, of course. Otherwise, she was on her own.

For us, that made the most sense. Give them a hand if they want it, but give it a timeline. If for some reason, after a year, it didn't make sense for them to leave (for example, say they were getting married in a couple of months), we could renegotiate, or lay down the law so that they were behaving as an adult in the household, not a guest, and not a child.

I think that is the key. Expect them to act like an adult, give them adult responsibilities and let them suffer adult consequences. It may cause your hair to go gray, but better for them to learn hard lessons with mom and dad still around, I think.

Hang in there.

indydebi Posted 24 Mar 2009 , 10:42pm
post #26 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by dkelly

She figures that she can spend all month and then the week that her bills are due, i.e. car insurance and cell phone, she'll make that money in a couple of nights and pay the bills.



Isn't it funny that she figures she can have her FUN money FIRST, instead of putting it back and paying for bills, and then earning her fun money LATER in the month?

Quote:
Originally Posted by dkelly

dinas27 I can completely relate to the "we have a nice house so we must be rich" way of thinking.



My sister commented that she feels she did a disservice to her two kids because she let them grow up so well. Now that one is married and one is in college, they've NO idea how to deal with being broke. They've never had to decide whether to pay the light bill or buy groceries, and now that they are in that position ... and mommy and daddy with their long term, well paying jobs aren't there to take care of the necessities of life .... they're almost in a depression because for the first time in their lives they have to WORRY about stuff like that. And they've no clue how to deal with it.

part of our job as parents is to prepare our kids for the real world. Some of them choose not to hear the message, but they can learn it the easy way ... or the hard way.

JaimeAnn Posted 24 Mar 2009 , 11:35pm
post #27 of 28
Quote:
Originally Posted by dkelly


What advice can you give me? I'm really concerned about this. Should I tell her that when she lives here this summer that she has to give us money each week? I thought about doing that and putting the money into an account for her so that when she goes back to College in Sept., she'll have a little "cushion".





That is how I started my daughters .. . At first she was only putting money in because I made her, And that may have been seen as not making her be responsible for her own money. Once she had been doing that for 6 months I showed her the savings statement and she couldn't believe it already had $1200 in it. She didn't really miss the money that was being taken because she always pays her bills first and that was just another bill.
After seeing how quickly it added up she started adding an extra $50 here and there. Yes she still blows the rest of her money like crazy. If she wants to go to the movies and her friends don't have money she will end up paying for everyone. (her friends don't make as much as he does) . I think she owns stock in Starbucks. I shop for Foldgers on sale and she hits Starbucks at least twice a day. Sometimes It drives me Nuts. She still has some money sense, recently she wanted to buy a new car , when they worked up the monthly payment it was going to be $600 a month and her insurance was going to be $300 a month needless to say she walked out of the dealership and told them she would stick with her 2003 VW jetta. I know she only did that because it would have cut into her "fun" money , but at least she didn't jump into a huge monthly payment.

If that is what it takes to get her to save some money than maybe it would be a good start. Even if she is only doing it because you are making her. If you don't "make her" and she goes back to school broke who is that going to fall on when something comes up and she needs money for something? Even if this isn't the ideal way to do it at least it will be there when she needs it, and that might open her eyes to saving for a rainy day.

Deb_ Posted 25 Mar 2009 , 1:12am
post #28 of 28

I think your right JamieAnn. We did this when she first got a job at the age of 16. I took half of every paycheck and put it into a savings account. When she got her driver's license and wanted a car and insurance, she had over $4000 in that account and was able to buy a decent used car and get it registered and insured.

Your daughter sounds like mine........she's always paying for her friends when they don't have money. I'm happy that she's a giving person, but it's a little ridiculous.

She'll also pay full price for hair products at the store when she knows damn well that I can get it at a third of the price through my suppliers. She just really makes some stupid choices.

indydeb you're right, some kids just have to learn the hard way, no matter how solid a parenting job we do. It's really hard to stand by and watch the stupidity though.

My husband is so fed up he keeps saying "when they're through with college we're moving to Florida, just to get away!". I keep saying "no we're not, cause I can't have a licensed home kitchen in Florida" icon_lol.gif Priorities, ya know?

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