Does This Seem Inapproprate To You?

Decorating By cakesbycathy Updated 13 Mar 2009 , 9:54am by AKA_cupcakeshoppe

cakesbycathy Posted 11 Mar 2009 , 2:59am
post #1 of 22

A little background info:
When my twin sons were born (they are 6) I joined a new moms support group. I met three other moms - we all had boys born within 2 weeks of each other. Once our kids "aged out" of the group, we started our own playgroup. Up until this past year we met every week (occasionally skipped a week around the holidays or someone couldn't make it due to illness or vacation or whatever - but you get the idea; we've been together a long time). We now have 10 kids between the four of us and meet only about every 3 or 4 months now that the kids are in school. I consider these ladies some of my closest friends.

One of the husbands sent out invitations for a surprise birthday party. I emailed him back saying I would attend and offering to make the cake as my gift. He accepted. He is expecting around 30 people.

Here's my question: would it be inappropriate for me to contact the other 2 ladies and ask if they want to pay for ingredients and supplies and then say the cake was from all three of us? My DH seems to think that they would spend more on a gift than on splitting the cost of materials and that I shouldn't ask. This is not a case of not being able to afford the materials myself. I can.

What do you think?

21 replies
luvsfreebies72 Posted 11 Mar 2009 , 3:02am
post #2 of 22

If it were me... I would just make the cake my gift alone. The gift is not just the supplies, but the talent it takes to make it beautiful.

Unless your other 2 friends are just as talented and will be helping to decorate it of course.

bobwonderbuns Posted 11 Mar 2009 , 3:03am
post #3 of 22

It's not inappropriate if you are just asking without expectation. Will you do the cake if they say no?

cakesbycathy Posted 11 Mar 2009 , 3:04am
post #4 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by bobwonderbuns

It's not inappropriate if you are just asking without expectation. Will you do the cake if they say no?




Definitely! icon_smile.gif

alanaj Posted 11 Mar 2009 , 3:07am
post #5 of 22

Hmmm...you guys are close so I'm sure you would know better how they'd feel. If it was me I wouldn't just because cakes are your talent, not necessarily theirs and they might feel put on the spot. A friend asked me to go in on a gift for a close friend before and it wasn't what I would've picked. I went in on it but got her something else as well because I felt bad saying no. (I didn't want her to think her gift was a bad idea.) This case wouldn't exactly apply to you of course but maybe just let them do their own thing? JMO

-K8memphis Posted 11 Mar 2009 , 3:11am
post #6 of 22

I would not ask the other ladies.

paolacaracas Posted 11 Mar 2009 , 3:14am
post #7 of 22

They will give you $10 and look the same as you who had the idea and make all the work, in my opinion you should be the one saying no to them.

xstitcher Posted 11 Mar 2009 , 7:27am
post #8 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by k8memphis

I would not ask the other ladies.




Ditto icon_smile.gif

And, I totally agree with your husband. They would spend more than that, plus you were the one that offered and you will put in a lot of effort in making this cake and you'll have to share the thank you for it. If I were you I'd just do it myself and get all the wonderful praise icon_smile.gif

jlh Posted 11 Mar 2009 , 7:45am
post #9 of 22

If I didn't make cakes, and someone asked me that question, I think I'd feel a bit inadequate the night of the event when others were giving gifts, you made the cake....and all I did was write a check.

candynumber1 Posted 11 Mar 2009 , 7:45am
post #10 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by alanaj

Hmmm...you guys are close so I'm sure you would know better how they'd feel. If it was me I wouldn't just because cakes are your talent, not necessarily theirs and they might feel put on the spot. A friend asked me to go in on a gift for a close friend before and it wasn't what I would've picked. I went in on it but got her something else as well because I felt bad saying no. (I didn't want her to think her gift was a bad idea.) This case wouldn't exactly apply to you of course but maybe just let them do their own thing? JMO



After reading your post this was the first thought that came to my head. I would let them choose their own gift.

lostincake Posted 11 Mar 2009 , 7:49am
post #11 of 22

Because you have already offered to make this cake before having had a chance to discuss with the other ladies, I think it would not be appropriate to ask them after the fact. Perhaps they would have had other ideas etc. And I agree with previous posts that this is your talent and not necessarily theirs so it would be obvious that you put more into it and they may be made to feel awkward or as if they did not really contribute and it may not sit that well with them.

If it's that you want to go in on a group gift with these ladies because they are your close friends, then maybe you could suggest to get something on the side or make a special gift (i.e. a scrapbook of all your fun times together), that is special from the 3 of you. At least this way, you are giving this gift truly as a group and everyone can have input and provide suggestions.

JMHO for what it's worth icon_smile.gif

dhccster Posted 11 Mar 2009 , 7:49am
post #12 of 22

If it were me, I would not ask the other ladies either. I would want the cake to be from me. Your friend knows YOU are the one who has the talent. I would not want to be one of the other ladies and having my gift to my friend be the ingredients to make a cake. I would want to give her something meaningful from me. The cake will be meaningful from YOU, but not from your friends. You said that money was not a problem for you, so just make the cake and let the other ladies get her something special.

Rylan Posted 11 Mar 2009 , 10:18am
post #13 of 22

If you wanted them to pitch in, I think you should have discussed it to the other ladies before you even asked. But if I were you, I would have just given the cake myself because you're actually giving a product of your talent as a gift.

dailey Posted 11 Mar 2009 , 3:27pm
post #14 of 22

i would say its not appropriate to ask...

cakesdivine Posted 11 Mar 2009 , 4:16pm
post #15 of 22

I believe it would be totally inappropriate to ask at this point. If you had discussed this with the other women before offering it would be a different matter, but since you already promised to do this cake as a gift FROM YOU, to ask others to "go in" on it with you is a bit rude and cheap IMHO.

Example: You buy a gift for a friend then after the fact, and without considering what others might have planned to give, or their budgets, ask other common friends to pay a portion and say it was from all. Yes they have the right to say no, but it is inappropriate to have already made the decision of what is being given without consulting the others from whom you want to contribute financially.

cakesbycathy Posted 11 Mar 2009 , 5:06pm
post #16 of 22

Thanks for all your replies. I am not going to ask the other girls.

Creative_chika Posted 12 Mar 2009 , 4:12am
post #17 of 22

I would do the cake myself without asking my other two friends.

xstitcher Posted 12 Mar 2009 , 4:16am
post #18 of 22
Quote:
Originally Posted by cakesbycathy

Thanks for all your replies. I am not going to ask the other girls.




I think you made the right choice and I'm sure everyone will be raving about your cake at the party. thumbs_up.gif

MosMom Posted 12 Mar 2009 , 8:33pm
post #19 of 22

A cake for 30 people doesn't cost that much. If she is one of your dearest friends, make it from you and you alone. This is just my opinion of course. icon_smile.gif

summernoelle Posted 12 Mar 2009 , 8:42pm
post #20 of 22

Def. inappropriate. How much will it really cost you? Honestly, I think that you may come off as cheap if you asked them, even though you are trying to be generous. Make her an amazing cake, and take every single bit of credit. icon_smile.gif

adonisthegreek1 Posted 12 Mar 2009 , 8:48pm
post #21 of 22

It would be inappropriate for two reasons. First, you alone offered to do the cake so it is up to you alone to incur the cost. Second, do you know for a fact that the dad had the emails and invited the other two moms? If not, that could be awkward.

AKA_cupcakeshoppe Posted 13 Mar 2009 , 9:54am
post #22 of 22

I'm glad you decided to just do it by yourself.

this reminds me of the time when i was sharing a house with 3 other girls. one of our housemate's birthday was coming up and another one bought a pair of slacks to give to her. then like the day before she told me that me and the other housemate HAS to pitch in because the gift was from ALL of us. And I was like, no. You chose that so you give it to her. I'm gonna give her something else. I just thought it was pretty inappropriate for her to do that.

So i'm glad you decided against that and I'm sure you'd love to have all the compliments to yourself icon_biggrin.gif your cake will wow them all icon_biggrin.gif

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