Ok, I know this may seem petty but it has been getting on my nerves. I just recently went from FT to PT to be at home with a chronically ill child, a disabled husband and in-laws with contsant issues. FIL has just past. Since I am at home more than I like, and I gave up a job that I liked to keep peace with hubby dearest (yes, right now a comparison to mommy dearest). The financial concerns were not present at the time but are more so with the current trend. Anyway, he decides what needs to be done for the day without any concern for anyone else. His car that needs to be in for repairs and has been needed for months had to go in TODAY! This is errand day for me and always has been, always had Tuesdays off. He calls on the way home from the repair shop that I had no idea he was going to telling me, TELLING me he is picking up my car for the day. He did not ask me plans or if I needed the car or anything of the like. He comes in to get my keys and I tell him I need the car today, when can he have it back. He gets PO that my car is not available all day and PO at me! He can't believe that he can't just tell me he needs this that or the other at a moments notice and I won't bend. I generally shop in the morning and get everything done by afternoon to have available for kids but was willing to go later to get things done. He does this with other things as well. If I plan a shower, he see me getting clothes together and everything you do, he has to take his shower. If he wants it, he takes it. If I am talking, he interupts, I know what you are going to say and fills it in with what he wants to hear. I never get a chance to finish a thought. He has made it impossible to continue friendships with old co-workers. He is not abusive just irritating. He feels that he is the head of the house and that things should revolve around him. This is all new since quitting the job. I started interviewing to go back FT. I got a call to go for an interview and he told them I was not interested in working FT. If I make a cake at the house for anything, even my DD birthday, for fun or to practice, he throws a fit about the mess, how much is it costing me, the expense of electricity and all. He is being inconsiderate of my thoughts and ideas. Am I losing my mind or is this normal? Do husband really come in and take the car, rearrange the wife's plans, create her new interests? I can already hear the response he is abusive but it is not like that. I know about verbal abuse and keeping you away from friends. I just can't believe that he decided his need for the car takes over. I can't believe he did think he should have thought about my need for the car.
Men can be more inconsiderate than women, I think. He might not even realize what he's doing. You probably should take him aside and have a serious talk with him about things, tell him how it bothers you...but in a NON confrontational way. Don't talk about it when you're angry. Don't just sweep it under the rug either. Things like that will fester until you explode.
no offense but his behavior is completely inconsiderate, self centered and an outright jerk.
From what you wrote it seems like you are the only source of income for your family, well if thats how it is, then you are the one that gets to make the decisions about your car.
Has he always behaved like this or is it something new??
what worries me most is that you keep saying "I know what you are going to say that its a form of abuse but its not".
You keep saying it and then defending his behavior. The fact that he alienates you from friends is very worrisome to me.
Did he start acting this way after he became disabled?
The abuse thing keeps comming from a old co-worker. She is head strong and a man basher. ex did her wrong. He does not like me around her because I get Ideas from her. Nope, I tell him, they are my thoughts and you are being a jerk. This is a new thing with him since I quit my last job. He has just now told me "MOM" is moving in with us. We can put youngest kid in the dinning room and make into a bedroom easily, and take your "playroom" and make into the dinning room. It will be better anyway as it is just off the kitchen. You can still play in there as well as serve dinner. I do not do cakes out of the house unless it is for family or the potluck dinner type of thing. Here again he made a decision without talking it out. He says I am being irrational and emotional for no reason. IF he would have asked, I would have let him... have the car, mom move in, rearrange the house, etc. He should not have to ask as this is his house and he is the head of the house. We both have some income, SSDI, stocks, and prior investments. I have tried to explain this feels like I am nothing. Communication in a relationship much alone our marriage of 12 years is a top priority.
I am going to scream!! Mom is afraid of "big" dogs. Our outside dogs have to go. You will have to tell the kids I will be gone this afternoon doing "things". I have 2 mutts box terrier types and a mini lassie mutt. They are not BIG dogs. These are the kids dogs. I am ready to kick him to the curb and let him go live with mommy
My hubby used to be a little like that. Especially on showers. he didn't care that I needed to get showered before I took my daughter to school or anything because I wasn't going to work so I started making it a point to tell him what I need to do so he's aware. Most times he just wasn't thinking about anything but what he needed to do and wasn't doing it to be mean. Same with things like errands. Now I'll just run through my schedule the night before, not even really ok'ing it with him or anything, more like talking aloud to myself but making sure he was listening so he knew what was planned for the next day. about a year ago, he sent his truck into the shop for a new exhaust, the mechanic put it up on the lift and the truck split in half so we had to get a new car. We couldn't find a truck for a good price so we settled for a car. Well now whenever he needs to pick up something big for work like lumber or whatever, he'll just take my van. the last time, I complained to him because I had to walk to pick up my daughter from school with the two little ones. Not a big deal on a nice day but it was drizzling and cold and the 2 little ones couldn't walk that far so I had them in the double stroller. I called him to see if he could come home early and he basically told me to stop being so lazy so I walked it. On my way home with all three kids piled into the stroller (i'm not kidding when I say it probably weighed at least 150lbs), I took a picture on my cell phone and sent it to him and basically said "yea this is so easy" and he started to understand why things can be difficult for me when he just decides to do things without asking first. I think you really need to sit him down and say this is not working for me. We need to go over our schedules in advance and sync up before you make decisions like this. End of story. He's not the boss and you're not the boss in a relationship, you both make the decisions and you both need to agree on them. I hope he understands, otherwise next time just give him the list of errands to run while he has your car and see if that sets him straight. I've done that before too... hubby didn't like that Good Luck.
I thought the thing with every tuesday doing the errands after 11 years would have gotten in. Hasn't. Even last night we talked about what needed to be done today. DD bday is Monday and we are getting her a bike. I needed to get it today as I work most the rest of the week and I will be able to "hide" it today. He never mentioned his plans.
I just sent a list of everything that needs to get done today, the groceries, drug store, party supplies, walmart/sams, cleaners, promised a kid lunch time, He says there is not enought time to get it all done. I said that is what I do every Tuesday, not the party store, but that is the Tuesday schedule. "whatever" I guess when I don't have stuff for dinner tonight that will get his attention. He has to pick up the paint for MOM's room. She will get bored with the white room and all her stuff is blue.
Thanks for letting me vent. I am beside myself with anger. He was a little like this after the car accident(we were run over by a semi) but here lately is has gotten worse. I know that things are bad for him. His dad just dies, his mom can't take care of herself, the finances are great, the economy stinks, but not talking about things with me is not the way to make it work. It is if the whole world needs to understand his pain and only his. I hate not having my job. Working in a chain store bakery stinks. I feel like I am giving up more and more and getting less and less every day. I suggested counseling and he laughed. He is not crazy and we don't need to pay someone to tell us I (the wife) is being unreasonable, irrational and emotional. I can just get over it.
wow, bringing MIL into the house without asking you first is a huge issue. I don't even know what to suggest there. Even if you would have said yes anyway, it doesn't matter. he just assumed you wouldn't care. That's a huge disruption to you and the whole family. I can't really offer any advice but I hope things turn around for you soon. I don't think I could survive in that situation too long. Ya know as I'm typing this, a thought just occurred to me. you mentioned the accident, which btw sounds horrific but maybe he is having trouble coming to terms with the fact that he is not the "bread winner" at this point and that the income is brought in by you. Maybe his way of asserting his power is to just make decisions without telling you. Obviously he's not open to counseling but it looks like he might actually be the one that needs the help not necessarily the marriage. Maybe you could look for some information on the internet or at the library for help with dealing with him.
I know you don't want to hear it but from the outside looking in it's easier to spot abuse. My mother is still with my father and still denies that he verballly and emotionally abuses her even though all of her children, sibilings and parents would tell you that he does.
Men do tend to be more inconsiderate than women but this isn't him just not thinking once in a while.
If it were me I'd insist on counseling and if he didn't want to go I'd leave his a$$.
Oh and with the "head of the household" women stopped being the property of their husband a long time ago so unless you LET him be your boss he isn't.
Having a "friend" and her hubby over for bbq this weekend. He is a minister and a therapist. Didn't give hubby full facts and feel like I am betraying him, but....
He went to the home improvement place and bought paint and curtains for moms room. He was on the phone with her and had her help him pick things out, he went and bought a new smaller bed for her as she feels depressed sleeping in such a big bed without dad, place an add to get rid of some of my "playroom" items. I hit the fan!!! I have paid for and maintained my play stuff. I will put it in storage if I HAVE to but not just to allow mother dear comforts. Her moving in is a BAD idea and then some. I would never had said yes, never. I think he is doing without talking about it to avoid an arguement. We he is getting one none the less. I have talked with an attorney to get advice if things go south, as I foresee things going. I have wanted to update around the house to get a no. Mom comes and the house has to be "fixed up". It is almost like he is trying to prove to mom that he is successful and made his mark in the world. I think I must agree with mbelgard - I won't let him be the boss and that is the problem. He percieves that the co-worker is the problem and not the person he married. IDK
YOu have so many factors you're dealing with ... disability, finances, MIL, his sudden change in actions, etc.
The deciding to take the car without asking you, etal, is a control thing. It sounds like he feels out of "control" and is trying, in some pretty jerk-face ways, to reassert himself.
I had to "train" hubby when we first got married on stuff like that, but he was a 35 year old bachelor and wasn't used to having to be "considerate" of anyone else. He would "let me" sleep-in, in the morning, and then couldn't understand why I was all ticked off because I didnt' have time to get ready! I told him, "YOU don't decide my schedule .... *I* do! YOU don't get to decide when I have to get up in the morning ... *I* do!"
One Sunday, he woke me up 20 minutes before church STARTED to tell me it was "time to get up". Of course HE had been up bright and early and was all ready to go and got to sit around and read the paper and have coffee. *I* had 7 minutes to get ready. I told him to kiss my a$$ ... looks like we were missing church that day!
I also noticed how he calls it your "playroom". He doesn't take your activities seriously. Whatever you do in your "playroom" isn't real ... isn't important. You're just "playing". He's patting you on the head and patronizing you. As opposed to getting the car fixed .. now THAT'S important and urgent and HAS to be done today (sarcasm intended!)
I could get on a roll on this all day .....
thanks eveyone. I was really feeling it was all me. I did not know where to turn. It seems like everyone I am close with is a joint friend. You know, friends with the wife - him with the husband. i don't want to get them into things. I am just beside myself. He really thinks he is "helping". He does not seem to get how upset this has made me. He does not think that I should be mad or upset. It really is no big deal. He then went to Starbies and got my fav cup. I feel like a little kid. He is not taking me serious and then thru me a binkie to calm me down. I am glad you have "been" with me today and helping me thru it. It just goes to show what I have always said about "us cake decorators" - when you need a friend or help from one - one is always there
Sorry, you're going through this. He really seems like he has control issues.
I know you said he doesn't work because he's disabled..........then you said he went and bought paint and curtains for his Mom's room. Well, who's painting and hanging the curtains? Him or you?
Seems to me he's bored and taking it out on you. Is it possible that he could get a part time job?
If I were you, I'd work FT just to get out of his and his Mom's way. You need to for your own sanity.
Definitely suggest therapy. You will go nuts if you allow this to continue.
I hope things get brighter for you. Please don't continue to allow this man to control you this way. He needs to respect you as his equal, if he won't I too would kick his a$$ out.
Do you have a place to stay for a few days? Week? I would seriously consider taking your child and moving out. He is not giving an inch. So I think you need to do something drastic to get it through his thick skull he needs to change.
Plus, you need a break from so much stress.
Most people don't know what they've got until it's gone.
I wouldn't come back until he acknowledges you as his equal and shows you respect. You deserve it.
If this is not a possibility, then you need to find something else drastic to do. Not sure what, but you know him best.
maryjsgirl, can I have a pic of just your hat? I want your hat?
He is leaving for a week to go get his mom and move her things here. She will live in CO for a few months before comming here. I think she MAY have the idea I am not happy about the situation. He thinks I will have her room ready by the time he gets back. He is driving to get the loaded UHaul trailer and bring it back. It will take about 6 days.
Sure here you go...
is the hat just a semi-ball cap with a bow? I seriously love the hat!
anyway, going to sleep on everyones thoughts - night
So wait. You mean that he got rid of your hobby room then took the money that you earn with out talking to you and brought stuff for his mother to move in. And he wants you to paint and decorate the room. Please tell me that you are not going to do this. If you decorate that room I hate to say it but you are a fool. I speak my mind and always have. I dont bite my tongue for my husband and I understand that he is the head in God's eyes and I respect that. (This is my belief so please dont judge) Even though he is the head he is supposed to love me like Christ loves the church. So that means that if Mama is not happy no one is happy. He knows it. Your husband has bondary issues and thinks that he can make every decision for you and not even bother discussing it with you. I would tell his behind when he leaves for a week take his stuff with him because I'm changing the locks because he is an inconsiderate jerk. You need to deal with this now and earn some respect and let him know that you are on the same level and he cant make decision without discussing them with you first. Period.
I second what Karema said! Lock him (and his mother) out of the house, he doesn't deserve you.
You said you have a daughter. How old is she?
I'm sorry, but your daughter sees everything. She is seeing how your DH is treating you. Do you think you would want her DH to treat her the same way. She's learning it's acceptable.
I can't add much more than what everyone else has. Good luck with everything. You've already put up with more than I ever could.
I like the idea that while he is gone you change the locks
and when he comes back and bitches and moans about it, well you took a decision just like he took a decision to take your car, your hobby room, move your child into the living room etc without discussing you. And since he doesnt need to discuss things with you, you don't have to discuss the lock change with him.
Let him go move in with mommy dearest. The two of them can get a place together since she is more important than you and your daughter.
If she is staying in CO for two months, why can't she just stay there permanently.
On the MIL front I would NOT allow him to move her in. This is something too important to the well being of the whole family for him to decide alone.
If she's not capable of living on her own how are you supposed to care for a disabled husband, sick child AND a MIL who needs extra help? I don't want to sound mean but that's why they have assisted living and nursing homes, so families who really can't care for aging parents have another option.
If she is capable of living on her own why doesn't she find a place near you so she is close to family?
And all the stuff your husband sold you should go out and replace, brand new. How would he have reacted to you selling something of his? That's how you need to react to him over this.
Personally I'd give him a choice, his mother or me, because this isn't something you decided together.
we have this counselling organisation in the uk, relate. one of the best bits of advice they give is that if one partner doesnt want counselling, the one that does should still go. it will still help you to figure things out, to see things clearly.
some MIL advice - is she a decent woman? there needs to be some ground rules set out, hopefully she will recognise that and help you. and while it does seem like a terrible idea, if she is nice, maybe she will kick her son into shape.
i really hope it all turns out well for you.
I think he sounds like an a-hole. I'm allowed to say it because I dated a guy like that and put up with the same exact crap for 2 1/2 years.
After I kicked him out, it dawned on me what a jerk he was. You say it's not abuse, but it is.
You either need therapy, both of you together and you alone, or you need to kick him to the curb. Bottom line. You have ZERO reason to put up with all of that, especially with the impact it will have on your child in the long run.
Do it for yourself. You'll only continue to be miserable if you don't.